Bitching it Old School.

“Rather fail with Honor, than succeed by fraud.” – Sophocles

Hello Blogiteers!

It is truly a wonderful day in the neighborhood, let me tell you. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and the last blog I wrote posted some awesome numbers in the view department. But that’s not why I am wearing this “cat ate the canary” smile. So why then? Because for the first time ever in relation to the posting of a blog, there was…..

NO NEGATIVE E-MAIL.

By that, I mean NOBODY stepped up to refute what I had said about Amy Silverman in any way, shape or form. ZILCH. DIDDLY. NADA.EL’ ZIPPO.

Ouch. If she wasn’t such an unprofessional cow, I’d almost feel bad for her. Almost. Well to be honest, I actually kind of do. Tell you what- Next time I see her hubby “soliciting business” at a strip club, I’ll pass along my warmest well wishes. As soon as his lap dance is over, of course.Told you I was nice. Honestly- I have no idea why you still don’t believe me.

What is even worse where Amy is concerned is that two more of her peeps have jumped aboard the Artbitch’s metaphorical good ship lollipop. Mixed among all the emails were two formerly loyal employees letting me know how much they enjoyed my public lampooning of the arrogant Editorzilla they (in their own words) “unfortunately work under”. I just love editorial based intrigue!

However- despite my love of said intrigue, this blog WILL NOT be dealing with any thing even remotely connected to my newest nemesis, The Phoenix New Times. You are welcome- I figured we could both use the break. So, let us get back to some old school bitchiness and relax. A trip down Memory Lane should help.

Some of you may remember that I started writing my bitchesque blogs way back in the day on this now seemingly deserted social site called “MySpace”. Mind the tumbleweeds in the street.) In two of these past blogs, I presented some pathetically written hate E-mail from an individual who went by the moniker “Michael Mooser”- I tore him a new one, and then moved on to tearing someone/something a new one as well. Ahh…good times.

I was the one to hate, and the hating was good. But since then, my hate mail has trickled down to almost nothing, despite my best efforts. The “Hi, My Name is Ryan.” Documentary? People said I was the only one in the movie who made sense. My stand against The Phoenix New Times?

People actually seem to be supporting my argument. My calling Amy Silverman a “C**k Juggling Thunderc**t”? People have pretty much agreed, and those are just her employees.

I can’t wait until I poll her family.

No matter what I do lately, it seems that I get way more love than I can use. Damn. So much stored acid… and so few targets to spew it on. Granted, between Amy Silverman and Martin Cizmar, they are WIDE targets…. but it’s just not enough some days. I’m just wired to vent. And fortunately, / unfortunately it doesn’t take much. Especially where the concept of art is concerned. But most of all, especially mine.

Currently, being an Artist is a hard slog, specifically if you live in Phoenix, which despite being the 5th largest city in America- isn’t really what you would call a Mecca for Creatives. It’s quite difficult to turn a buck in this town especially with our depressed economy, and opportunity doesn’t knock here- you pretty much have to run it down with your car, and then stuff the body in your trunk. It can be that brutal. As an artist, I am ALWAYS looking for that next opportunity to grease the underside of my artistic car, without losing any ground in the process.

So, as you can imagine, I hate detours of any sort that lead one away from the road. I’ll explain.

Like most artists these days, I maintain a presence on the Web. Moreover, like most modern conveniences, it comes with unforeseen problems. In this case, E-junk mail.And I’m not talking about the “sexy girlz” or “enlarge your manhood” types of e-mail, I’m referring to that which is unique to my chosen profession: Artistic Spam. Most of this type asks for donations of art, or claims that for a small fee that they can sell your work all over the world. Typical bottom feeders that prey on the delusional and desperate among my clan.

But if you combine all that, plus humiliation, plus a reality TV show…. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. Some clarity, then. A few days ago, I was tired after a very long day in the frame shop and on top of that, a possible commission had fallen through due to a client who was short both on taste and a reasonable price, so I was in a rather sharp mood.

Think an Admantium razor, and you’ve got it. And then the following E-mail arrived in my Gmail account, and unleashed my inner Wolverine. Which as always, is filled with nothing but love.

THE ARTISTIC SPAM E-MAIL THAT UNLEASHED MY INNER WOLVERINE, WHICH IS LIKE MY INNER HULK, BUT LACKS THE GREEN PIGMENTATION AND DOESN’T DESTROY AS MANY SHIRTS.

[COME TO THINK OF IT, WHY DOES THE HULK GO THROUGH ALL THOSE SHIRTS, BUT NEVER SEEMS TO LOSE HIS PANTS? DOES LEVI MAKE “SUPER STRETCHY” PURPLE DENIM 501’S?]

SORRY, I SEEM TO BE WANDERING AND YELLING QUITE A BIT, SO LET’S JUST GO STRAIGHT TO THAT ANNOYING ARTISTIC BLAST E-MAIL.
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Dear Phoenix Artist,

On Nov. 4th Art Rocks! Phoenix is happening, sponsored by the online art gallery MySoiree.   The show is hosted by the Devil’s Martini in old town, doors open 8pm,, and it features 10 of Phoenix’s up and coming and established studio artists, and the west coasts finest DJ Lamont Young.  Come check out the show, and since you are a practicing Phoenix artist, I’ll extend a complimentary ticket. 

This is a unique opportunity to come to a super cool hip show, see we are traveling about the country on our Art Rocks! Tour, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Chicago, LA, are some of the cities we have been to.   Each city selects their favorite artist American Idol style, we provide a place for artists to show and sell their work, and a stage to create artwork during the 4 hour event, and the winner from each city has the opportunity to participate in our national show in Las Vegas Nov. 21 (which is the pilot for our reality TV Show). Here is a promo video from our San Diego Show.

To get a ticket for the show, just rsvp *********************  and use discount code “Artist”. Come and celebrate art with us see what we’re about. We are also an online art gallery, ************ where artists from all over the world show and sell their artwork.  You can be a part of our community by joining the website as an artist, S001, is a referral code that permanently waives the monthly fee of $10.  If you have unique original art and want to be in the Art Rocks! Phoenix show, call me @***-***-**** and we’ll review your portfolio. 

I’ll be happy to answer any specific questions you may have and provide you more details on the website and showing and selling your work.  Let’s make Art Rocks! Phoenix happen.

Sincerely,
Lyn E. Williams
CEO
Soirée International Inc.
2010 North American Mysoiree Art Tour
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MY RESPONSE TO THE ARTISTIC SPAM E-MAIL THAT UNLEASHED MY INNER WOLVERINE, WHICH IS LIKE MY INNER HULK, BUT LACKS THE GREEN PIGMENTATION AND DOESN’T DESTROY AS MANY SHIRTS.

MY ORIGINAL QUESTION OF: “WHY DOES THE HULK GO THROUGH ALL THOSE SHIRTS, BUT NEVER SEEMS TO LOSE HIS PANTS?” IN RETROSPECT, MAY HAVE BEEN A TAD BIT STUPID- I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE.

YOU REALLY CAN’T HAVE THE HULK WALKING AROUND NUDE AFTER ALL- IT’S A BAD EXAMPLE FOR THE REALLY SMALL KIDS WHO READ THE COMIC BOOKS, AND THERE’S NO WAY YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT SHOW ON 1970’S TV IF YOUR SO-CALLED HERO WAS GOING TO BE NAKED [not to mention being green as well] A MAJORITY OF THE TIME.

BUT I’M PRETTY SURE THAT IF THEY CAST MEGAN FOX IN THE LOU FERRIGNO ROLE, HBO WOULD AIR THAT SUCKER IN A HEARTBEAT. SO WOULD FOX, I’M SURE- FOR ALL THEIR TALK ABOUT “FAMILY VALUES” THEY SPEW ON THEIR SO-CALLED “NEWS” NETWORK, THEY’RE KIND OF HYPOCRITES, DON’T YOU THINK?

SERIOUSLY- RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS BEEN MARRIED LIKE FOUR TIMES. MAYBE HE ORDERS WIVES LIKE THE WAY HE DOES PRESCRIPTION DRUGS? JUST A THOUGHT. SORRY. WENT OFF TANGENT YET AGAIN.

LET’S GET BACK TO THE SNARKING, AND PROCEED TO TAKE THIS SPAM APART.

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Dear Lyn E. Williams,

[Unlike you, I know the name of the person I am writing to.]

Thanks for your gracious invitation to possibly humiliate myself on national television, but I think I will take a rain check on this so called “opportunity”. Somehow, I find it difficult to ally myself with someone who regards the creation of art as a spectator sport via an “American Idol” format. 

Only without the celebutard judges, I can assume. Oh joy. That’s what I have always dreamed of- your average American couch potato “voting” on something as vast and wide as the concept of Art.

In the words of US author & dramatist Gore Vidal: “Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half have never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.”

Simply put- I don’t create art for willfully ignorant morons, and having a DJ present doesn’t exactly alter the perception that I have formed of your so called “show”. I too also have been to San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Chicago, and LA., much like a bazillion other people, so your claim doesn’t exactly impress me.

Wow. You’ve been to an airport. How unique. My other thoughts?

First, let me congratulate you on your unique lack of proper punctuation, syntax, or correct sentence structure in your e-mail.  Your mangling of the English language is refreshing to say the very least.

A “super cool hip show” is how one describes your average concert, not a serious art event. I also like your statement about providing “a stage to create artwork during the 4-hour event”. Unless a stripper pole is involved, I really don’t require a stage, but thanks for the thought.

I get FOUR HOURS to “create” a work of art. Really? I spend MONTHS planning shows, and take pride in the fact that more than four hours is required to create one of my original works. A cookie cutter artist I am not, nor do I “practice” my craft- unlike you.

Who knows? Maybe if you keep at it, someday you’ll be mildly competent. Shockingly, I also do not relish the chance to cheapen both my reputation and work performing like a trained monkey for the Axe wearing Douchebags that inhabit this said chosen venue. Thanks for the link to your promo video which by the way, is simply god-awful

And at the time of this writing, had only 400 views. Oh yeah. You’ve got TONS of pull. But after viewing it , I must offer an apology- you will have celebutards on board after all. I’m just dying to see what Sylvester paints.

Your complimentary ticket offer while generous, must also be declined, as I’m afraid I will have a ton of laundry to sort out that night, and honestly? I’d rather do that. As to being a “part of our community by joining the website as an artist” , I am afraid I must demur this  offer as well, since I do not wish to join your artistic poseur clan- I in fact, would rather put on a purple jumpsuit and then drink the grape Kool Ade.

“Come and celebrate art with us see what we’re about.”

Let me think about that for a minute……. Nope. Seems I’d rather perform burlesque in a men’s prison. I mean that with nothing but respect, of course.

Sincerely, Wayne Michael Reich
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There ain’t no school like the old school. Class dismissed.

“I don’t debate with liars.”- Evo Morales