Wayne Michael Reich

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The Greatest Story Ever Sold. (The Passing of the Christ)

“Is man merely a mistake of God’s? Or God merely a mistake of man?”- Friedrich Nietzsche

Hello Bitchiteers!

How are you doing? Got enough sleep? Got enough food? Got Milk? But most importantly, how is your soul doing these days, in an era where it seems that most people who assert that they have one, fall far short of the minimums that they’re supposed to achieve with it.

As some of you may have already guessed, today we’re going to talk about “God”, the Faith centered around his supposed existence, and if I have the time, I may even devote a line or two to his so-called lambs who adhere to his declarations very much in the same way that I shun chilled Ding Dongs.,

However, I will be approaching this topic not as an absolute, and most certainly, not as a supremacy. Instead within this screed, He/She/It, will not be lauded as anything more than an abstract concept, designed by deeply flawed humans, specifically for the task of providing at hand to other equally faulty humans, not only a protector over all, but rationalizations for how the world actually works, as well.

Not to mention, providing a steady source of tax-free income for those Machiavellian enough, to forge it into a cudgel of unquestionable authority within this world, if not allegedly, the next. Never let it be forgotten that the initial idea for controlling the intellectually simple and emotionally desperate, has been turned into not only a thriving cottage industry, but also as a means to acquire legislative power as an added bonus.

Religion: the only Ponzi scheme that has not only governmental protection, but societal approval as well, which to be fair, is one heck of a beginning for a so-called faith, whose origins came from a wife’s desire to keep the secret of her adulterous act from getting back to her husband. Yes, I said that. And no, I will not apologize for it.

Because depending on your inherent ability to accept reality, there’s really only two choices here- either Mary had some side action that went South of Nazareth, or you have to make peace with the fact that an all-powerful deity sexually forced himself upon a truly defenseless woman, in order to produce an off spring, which seems odd, considering that he supposedly created the first two humans Adam and Eve from scratch, and without a recipe, to boot.

Did he forget how, or was it just a case of him telling his office manager; “I ain’t got time for this, so find me a virgin, stat.” All jokes aside, if I were ever caught taking a whipped-cream bath with Milla Jovovich by my GF of 13 years, I seriously doubt that I could pull off the defense strategy that it was not I who was at fault, but “God”, instead.

Granted, that might just be due to the fact that she’s both an Atheist and a Redhead, but I’m sure her sense of palpable skepticism, would translate equally across all the possible hair spectrums.

For those of you fortunate enough to have never been subjected to the inanity that forms the first part of the Bible, that being the prologue known as Genesis, I’ll give you the Cliff Notes from which all of this mystical malarkey sprang: “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

Oops. My bad. That was actually a quote from the seminal novel “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, authored by Douglas Adams, and is a comedic sci-fi take chronicling the adventures of the last surviving Earthman, Arthur Dent, after Earth is destroyed by an alien race known as the Vogons, for the purpose of clearing the path as it were, to make way for a hyperspace bypass as part of an intergalactic highway construction project. You know. Like it so often happens in life?

And next to none other than the very Bible itself, it’s possibly my favorite work of science fiction fantasy, hands down. In the version where “God” is not only the star, the plot, and somehow also the actual author, lots of stuff happens. To start, there’s war, murder, outright genocide, rapes, betrayal, abominable sin, debauchery, worship of false idolatry, and in an unexpected plot twist nobody could possibly have seen coming, the crucifixion of “God’s” very own son, but rest assured, it will all work out in the end.

Or to be more exact, at a time that nobody actually knows for certain. It’s like the long-awaited sequel to “The Last Starfighter”, but with less Robert Mitchum, and far more Joel Osteen.

But don’t think t’s all doom and gloom, as there’s Redemption, Resurrection, and a dinner party that goes all shades of hilariously wrong near the end pf the book, and it wraps up neatly as the Son of God, (AKA: “Jesus”) goes from being a humble carpenter as Harrison Ford once was, to inheriting the family business, eventually kicking the crap out of God’s most troublesome ex-employee, a fallen angel named Lucifer, who gets banished to the fictional realm of Hell, a place not only of eternal torment and suffering, but also where he’s been living and working, since Time began.

Call me crazy, but sending Luce back to his room, hardly seems like a fitting punishment for the Harbinger of All Things Evil, but what do I know? I only drop in on God’s plan every now and then, as most of us seem to do these days. In the Bible, Hell is oft-described as possessing lakes of fire, where unrepentant sinners are bound in chains of ice, far removed from God’s sight, which when given his mercurial nature, presents as sort of a half full / half empty equation, no matter how you look at it.  

Nevertheless, this not how I envisions Hell, for in my mind’s eye, I see it as no more than an overly-crowded and poorly air-conditioned ball pit, where you’re forced against your will, to walk around barefoot on top of an ever increasingly shifting mass of errant LEGO blocks, for all of eternity. If you asked me, I’d opt out for the fire treatment instead. After all, I used to live in Phoenix, so if anything, it would almost be comfortingly familiar, sitting in a pond full of lava that’s up to my neck.

But as usual, I’m putting the cross before the guy who’ll eventually be depicted for eternity as being nailed to it, so let me start at the most logical place, that being “The Beginning”. I know that makes sense, but it’s also, somewhat ironically, the literal opening of the Greatest Story Ever Sold. 

From Genesis“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.”

So far, so good, I guess. And whatever you do, don’t dare ask where God came from, because that’s highly problematic to the overall development of the plot.

“And God said, “Let there be an expanse in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters.” And God made the expanse and separated the waters that were under the expanse from the waters that were above the expanse. And it was so. And God called the expanse Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day..”

So, at this point, God has established the future location of his base of operations, a place of beauty and eternal joy, that every Christian hypocrite swears up and down that they’ll be ascending to when they die, but not you.

“And God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.” And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good.

And God said, “Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, on the earth.” And it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.”

Cool- God has now laid out the landscaping, and thanks to his fruit-based forward thinking, everybody gets to enjoy a fresh glass of OJ with their Jimmy Dean sausage. Oops-he hasn’t gotten that far yet.

“And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth.” And it was so. And God made the two great lights- the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night, and the stars. And God set them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.”

In simpler terms, it’s dark, it’s late, go to bed already.

“And God said, “Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the heavens.” So God created the great sea creatures and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.” And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.”

And with that, you now know who is responsible for both Pigeons and the mess that they consistently leave on your just-washed car.

“And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds- livestock and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds.” And it was so. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.”

Finally- the raw ingredients for the aforementioned Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausages have arrived! Thank Him.

“Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So, God created man in his own image, In the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

(And right here, boys and girls, is where the Ineffable Plan starts slowly going South. Literally.)

“And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

In other words, everything with a face, save for your fellow humans, is up for grabs as either some form of cheap fast food, or as an overpriced healthy snack, available only from the fine folks at Sprouts.

“And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning, the sixth day.”

Now according to this totally believable tale, the very next day, God being pooped, took the day off, but not before he declared said day holy unto himself, because as will be revealed, down deep, he’s kind of a petty bitch, if not a full-blown sociopath. But to his credit, he didn’t rest on his newly created laurels too long, because in his self-created position as the one and true God, he had to get going with his master plan, which despite his predilection for working in mysterious ways, (his words, not mine) was in the end, deceptively simple, and went something like this:

Setting up a virtual paradise on Earth, that he calls The Garden of Eden, he stocks it with all of the aforesaid delights and delicacies that he crafted days before, and in a sheer moment of omnipotent genius, takes Adam and Eve, his two previously immaculate human creations, and deliberately installs the flaw of Free Will into them, despite having no real need in the first place, to do so.

He then instructs them both not to use it under threat of dire consequence, later going on to purposefully go about setting up an irresistible temptation, as he concurrently allows the corruption of the pair, by yet another one of his formations (albeit an evil one) who somehow, manages to enter and exit, the Garden unmolested. After committing the sin that he eventually would go on to classify as being “Original”, despite knowing that it was going to happen anyway, due to his inherent and manipulative omnipotence, he loses his collective cool about it, and banishes Adam and Eve from the Garden forever

Notwithstanding the obvious fact that the situation at his hand was ENTIRELY HIS FAULT, he sends the duo out into the harshness of the world beyond completely unprotected, taking it upon himself quite some time later, to transcribe a book via other flawed humans, in which he demands that they, and all of their resultant offspring, endeavor to spend their lives worshiping him on bended knee, otherwise he’ll toss them all into a bottomless pit of eternal fire, torment, those chains of ice again, after being deemed unworthy of his “love”.

That’s right- he loves us, remember? That’s why he’s doing all of this.

And in order to demonstrate this, he decides to send us his only son, born of a virgin he arrogantly forced himself upon, to teach us about the mercy of God’s alleged love, a theorem proven when the so-called loving God and Father to us all, allows said son to be mercilessly crucified, so that he can rise from the dead three days later, and then immediately ascend to Heaven, rather than remain on earth, where it could be arguably debated, that he’d be far more effective at spreading the Gospel of his part-time Deity Dad, than he would be appearing in either clouds or patterns on burnt toast..

I do have one small question that’s been nagging at me for quite some time though, and it is this- according to Genesis 2:7, Adam was created when; “the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul”.

Now if this is accurate on any level, and I strongly doubt that it is, then what was the point of impregnating Mary, waiting 33 years for Jesus to mature into manhood and then subjecting him to a torturous death, when all that was ostensibly required to create a savior and heir apparent, was for God to exhale on a handful of random dust bunnies?  Once again, “mysterious ways”, and all that happy jazz, I guess.

Unabashedly, I will admit that when I look upon this travesty of tripe disguised as allegorical salvation, and that, with the most cynical of eyes, even I’m impressed that in an age where we’ve conquered the initial challenges of spaceflight, harnessed the power of the atom, and live in a world that gave us both the musical genius that is Jeff Lynne as well as Vanilla Ice, the one that isn’t, I still have to give serious props to whomever it was that actually succeeded in selling this inane idea as a plausible reality.

Say what you must, and I most certainly will, but managing to turn a Middle Eastern Jew borne from what should have been the end of an obviously already troubled marriage, into the Blond, White WASPish Savior of All, based on nothing more than fairy-tales passed down orally from illiterates to educated scribes operating under various agendas, is quite the impressive act of branding, so says me.

Nevertheless, and despite my acidic assertions, I honestly have no actual problems with the conceptual application of spiritual faith- I myself have witnessed, as I’m sure many of you have, just how a strong sense of such, can get people safely through even the most difficult and trying of times, and not even I, in my darkest moment of black-hearted glee, would dare rob someone in need of that particular salve.

No, the thing that trips my ever-so-vexed trigger, is when the institution of organized Religion rears its hypocritical and maggoty head, starts spewing its discordant dogma to the degradation of all within its line of sight, including itself, and then, feigns the provocation of erroneous victimhood when held to task for doing so. It’s a winning strategy of secularism; slur, degrade, vilify, and when caught, claim persecution.

After all, doesn’t it strike as strange, that despite there being over 5000 Gods on this planet that have been worshipped by Man at one point or another, these ever-so-lucky-Children-of-Galilee managed somehow, to pick the singular Deity above all, whose celestial biases perfectly matched their own personal ones. Seriously- how fortuitous is that? If I had those kinds of odds at my disposal when I met Debbie Harry back in the Fall of 1999, I’d be still be gainfully employed as her personal masseuse.

On a more individual note, regardless of the amenities that mythological Heaven may offer us, spending eternity with the very same people whose condescending sense of faux Christianity I used to battle almost every day, is really not the selling point that they may think it is. Hell, itself may not offer me the throne I’m sure that I’ve earned, but at least the tunes will be good, and the strippers will be hot.

Mainly because most likely, they’ll be on literal fire, to say the very least. What can I say? When in Rome, do as the Romans do, and when finding yourself imprisoned within Hell for eternity, make your peace with the flaming lap-dance, and get on with the work of trying to live your best after-life.

Because as only the allegorical Lord knows, down here on Earth, most of these modern-day faux Christians aren’t presently doing so at the moment. As a rule, I do try to avoid making blanket statements whenever I can, as it tends to be taken as nothing more than ill-informed griping, but I do think that it is fair to say that Religion, next to Violence itself, is one of the most abominable creations ever inflicted upon Mankind entire.

Don’t get me wrong, the other bullspit that us semi-evolved monkeys have propagated sucks donkey tally-wacker too, but only the aspect of religion, gives culturally acceptable hall passes to its pustular progeny without fail.

How liberating it must be, to dredge up the malevolent spirits of Racism, Misogyny, Homophobia, Islamophobia, and willingly spiteful ignorance, then switch gears, so that you can then arrogantly claim that you’ve been “saved” and washed clean of your spiritual transgressions by the creator whose edicts you so purposefully misinterpret. And if you don’t believe me in regards to this concept, just remember the cornerstones of the ministry of Jesus, and seriously ask yourself if he would be cool with his most devoted of disciples espousing this, in his name:

I never thought I’d ever have to say this, but I may just have to call up the Taliban, and sincerely apologize for inferring that they were far too extreme in enforcing their warped sense of morality upon a formerly free society. Not only would Jesus be horrified by this perversion of his teachings, he’d probably also run the credible risk of finding himself crucified again by his own adherents, if he dared speak out against it.

And just who are the persons behind this pathetically unconstitutional power move against the LGBTQ Community? Well, none other than the Texas GQP, whose only purpose in life at this point I feel, is to help Florida feel better about itself on a daily, if not an hourly basis. That is, when it’s not plotting to put women and minorities back in the kitchens and fields, where their odious interpretation of God demands that they be.

Texas… where everything is bigger, including the repercussions of inbreeding, secular psychosis, and teaching children, that Jesus rode a Tyrannosaurus Rex to work. But getting back on point, let’s take a look at just what these wannabe Fred Phelps want to legislate, before we find out that in reality, they were actually so far back in the metaphorical closet, that they were using next year’s Christmas gifts as a substitute chaise lounge.

Now, while I fully support the clause holding birth fathers financially accountable, the passage afterwards, essentially legitimizing discrimination on the basis of one’s “beliefs” regarding sexuality or gender identity, morally reprehensible, at best. I for one, don’t believe in an all-supreme being, so does that mean I can now punch random strangers for telling me to “Have a blessed day”? because trust me, there’s been many a time I would have taken advantage of that, depending on the source.

As I noted, this legalized blanket pf bigotry is not only asinine in its unenforceable scope, it’s also blatantly unconstitutional as well, not that Texas gives a rat’s ass about following the established laws of America when it feels that it can somehow substitute its own in their stead. SPOILER: THEY CAN’T, and they already know that, but it does play well to the ever so f**kingly stupid base that comprises both their political clout, as well as their citizenry.

Even more ridiculously stupid, other than their collective belief that not only can they override Federal authority regarding private procedures taking place within Federal prisons if not the branches of the military itself, is their inane delusion that they can, and without questions raised, dictate the course of individual medical and psychiatric care to, and I quote; “persons of any age” as well, which of course, they also cannot do, in any way, shape or form.

Call me crazy, but for people who flaunt the Bible and the Constitution as much as they do, none of these Cafeteria Christians has ever seemingly read either one past the opening preamble, and believe me, it shows. Freedom, Semi-available in most states, but not currently stocked within the borders of what serves as the analog for America’s taint.

Riding along with these soon-to-be-overturned lawsuits waiting to happen, is the theocratical postulating that the legalization pf Marijuana not be instituted, despite a Dallas Morning News-University of Texas at Tyler poll, which showed that roughly 60% of registered voters supported the eventual legalization of marijuana for one’s personal use, while 83%, supported its application for medical purposes.

Even more against the grain of both common sense and majority favoritism, is the bizzarro idea that services to assist those suffering from the scourges of chemical addiction, should be based on an approach of ‘faith-based rehabilitation’, which, in regards to the established methodology not dependent on some form of spiritual bugaboo, has proven itself to be, far less effective overall.

Personally, I would love to see the reaction on the faces of the demagogies behind this legislation if, after being diagnosed with Cancer, or some other form of terminal malevolence, if they were told that due to their fellow elected representatives belief in a mystical Sky-daddy, their doctors were going to eschew chemotherapy and other proven drug therapies, in favor of Faith administered by a practitioner of Voodoo instead.

I’d place the odds at 100 to 1, that they’d as a collective, would uniformly declare that they had recently converted to Satanism, and demand immediate medical transport to the first blue state that had an open bed, whether it be in a hospital, or a kennel. When the chips are down, these so-called persons of faith tend to reveal who they really are, and quite literally, will start eating each other to survive.

In the end, their alleged adherence to the parables, is as thin as their loyalty to their fellow humans- virtually nonexistent. And when it comes to the mocking of their celestial crutch, rest assured, they don’t handle that well, either. Take for instance, this rather terse exchange between I and one of God’s favored lambs, whose name is Timothy Addair. and see just how fast his sense of calm evaporates when I question his belief in a fairy-tale cover story run amuck:

I’ve said it before, and I know I will be forced to say it again, but just why exactly, does the most-powerful being in all of Creation, require the unceasing PR services of his most flawed ones?

I mean… he’s already got the best-selling science-fiction novel of all time, a slew of successful movies based upon it, and pretty much every celebrity from sports figures to POP culture icons, makes it a point to thank him every single time they receive even the merest of public recognition for a minor achievement, so why does he need their help in regards to anything he’s supposedly in control of?

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say God has some seriously unresolved co-dependency issues, but to be fair, so do the majority of his followers, and maybe that’s why they’re always so on point to circle the wagons around their Sky-daddy, in order to gain the opportunity to be blessed under the auspice of his mercurial favor. And as you’d expect, the hypocrisy inherent within these Licentious Lambs of Fraud, is one of their most definitive characteristics that they display when cornered:

A few points here I’d like to address, if I may. This particular commentary came after Sandra Lubbe here, was boasting about how her religious views carried far greater weight than the injustice of stripping away the body autonomy of American women, a demographic which, I’d like to point out, she’s still a member of, even if it is only to be openly complicit in the targeted and certain to continue marginalizing of it.

Even better, is her serious query of “where in the Bible” was it, that I read that God was a myth, which may just be, one of the stupidest statements that I have ever heard in my life, without question. Where did I read it, Sandra? Honestly, nowhere specific.

However, when it comes to a book where not only Angels and Demons exist, but also where a man sires three sons when he’s no less than 500-years-old, I’m going to have some trepidation swallowing such a story, without doing some in-depth research first. In addition, said half-millennial successfully manages to get all the animals of the world on board an Ark that he built on God’s orders for that definitive purpose, just before the alleged Creator of all, kills everyone and everything on the planet, to make the world less violent.

Following the narrative so far? Good. Because it gets even weirder.

Despite that supposedly pressing concern, God seemingly as well, finds no issue with letting his chosen people (AKA: the Jews) being ruthlessly enslaved for 400 years. What a loving Father Figure. Speaking of which, a central figure within this expanded fever-dream, a father named Lot, willingly offers his virgin daughters to Sodomites so that they can rape them, gets to see his wife turned into a pillar of off-brand Morton’s Salt by God himself, and later impregnates both his daughters after being seduced by them.

And did I forget to mention Exodus 9:14?  This act of celestial grace, is definitely one that gives the undefendable actions of Lot, a fair run for their money: “I will send the full force of my plagues against you and against your officials and your people, so you may know that there is no one like me in all the earth”.

So, in order for the people to get to know God as the one true path to eternal salvation, he makes the command decision that rather than eradicate the sufferings of mankind, inflicted upon us by the flaw of the Free Will he installed within us all, he’ll just send a series of ever-worsening plagues instead, because apparently, that’s how openly loving relationships work.

By way of direct example, let’s take a gander at this sterling example of dual dysfunction, courtesy of my favorite local cafeteria Christian, who just so happens to be, not only a past Artbitch story subject, but more than likely, the future resident of a locked room wallpapered in bubble-wrap as well.

Ladies and Gentleman, please raise your perfectly chilled Ding-Dongs in appreciation for the one and thankfully only, Ruth Darlene Seawolf:

Not to be flippant in regards to the very real issue of spousal abuse, but if I knew anyone who was willingly involved with a person who as a rule, promoted this paradigm as a condition of their ongoing interpersonal association, I’d strongly advise them to not only cut off all contact with them, but to get a strongly enforced restraining order as well, just in case the science books I’ve loaned them, fail to take as a form of supreme (no pun intended) protection.

With all due seriousness, I’ve owned female cats that were less needy than this alleged deity, and at the very least, provided far more quantifiable comfort, unlike this infuriatingly insolent celestial deadbeat dad ever has.

Getting back to the point, Lubbe’s notating that people do not “need” sex to exist, just goes to prove my earlier theorem regarding her battery-powered sexual aptitudes, if not her overall intelligence. I’m not sure if her familiarity with the 9-volt lifestyle has jaded her past the point of rationality, but the last time I checked, without sex, earth would be less populated than it currently is now.

But I’d hazard a guess that when your entire sexual experience comes from fellating a book, I really shouldn’t be too surprised at the lack of biological knowledge you might possess. Moving on, her claiming unencumbered access to forgiveness, regardless of how she acts and what she says, because she believes in the charity of the very same deity that drowned a world entire, because he didn’t like the end result of his prevised cock-up.

And assigning the blame to me, for her succumbing to openly displaying her hypocrisy? That, boys and girls, is a classic Cafeteria Christian move, if ever there was one. I can’t say beyond a shadow of doubt, that the so-called faithful are disingenuous as f**k, but they certainly do seem to practice the art of being so, far better than anyone else I’ve ever met. It’s a brutally hilarious dichotomy that they’ll profess to be secular stewards of the love of Jesus, but are in actuality, duplicitous carries of the spiritual rabies his deadbeat dad crafted.

As you’d reasonably surmise, this virulence in and of itself, manifests within a wide range of delivery forms, but the most popular among the lying lamb league, seems to be the exclusion and degradation of all that they wouldn’t condescend to attempt to understand, even if their faux deity told them to.

In the past, it was mainly Atheists that they tended to despise, but with the advent of social media as well as ta host of sociopolitical movements currently in play, it’s fair to say that their access to a whole new slew of supposed villains has been extended somewhat. And who better to cast as the lead in the repertoire of nefariousness, than those whom you’ve always considered to be immoral?

As if on cue, enter one of the many unelected spokespersons for the American Taliban, a moron named Eric Moutsos, who… [checks notes} Oops. My bad. Turns out Eric, who most assuredly, is a moron of unquestionable certitude, is also in addition, a practicing “Mormon” as well, but I fear that I’m just repeating myself, and mythical Lord knows, I truly hate doing that.

So instead, let’s enjoy some of Eric’s keen observations from deep within the echo chamber of a malevolent ministry that in essence, installs a lifelong case of Stockholm Syndrome into its advents, regarding a culture they and eric obviously know nothing about, despite their seeming obsession with it,

Eric? The metaphorical floor is yours:

Now, at no point in my life would I ever condescend to think that I could advise a deity, especially one that according to the Mormon faith, is seemingly okay with the doctrines of eternal marriage, the practice of baptism for the dead, and the one that reality TV loves so much, the act of polygamy or plural marriage, but if I chose to do so, I’d just have to bluntly ask exactly why, in his position as “God”, people like this Neanderthal neophyte, were the only ones he could seemingly attract to serve as both customer service reps, if not public relations.

C’mon dude. Your dad created man from a handful of dust, but you can’t staff a competent HR department to weed out these dimwitted demagogues before they manage to slither their way onto your payroll? On the one hand, I do get it- the dumber they are, the easier it is to both control and convince them that this fairy-tale cover story run amuck has some credence.

But on the other…aren’t you two celestial icons tired of having to consistently distance yourself from the very same people who claim to love everything you guys supposedly stand for, while unswervingly doing the exact opposite of it all?

Case in point, Eric’s flawed insistence that the LGBTQ Community is linked to either the support of pedophiles, or the very act itself, when the reality is that the ratio of straight pedophiles versus those that are gay, averages out to a ratio of 11-1, and the stereotypical sexually-motivated reprobate, is ironically, not too dissimilar from Eric himself, regardless of cultural, financial, or spiritual status.

This is not to say that Eric in any way, shape, or form, possesses some form of abhorrent sexual deviancy himself, but I would also note that from my perspective as an outside the box observer, that for a self-alleged straight Child of Christ, he’s put what seems to be a Herculean effort into his attempt to validate his miasma of homophobic hysteria, into the concrete of certainty.

As the old saying goes, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire”, and when I witness anyone spending this much time crafting a gay-themed conspiracy-theory in order to reassure one’s own sense of “correct” sexual identity, the need to reinterpret that maxim into the much more relevant take of: “Where there’s rampant Homophobia, there’s a closet queen waiting to discover their unacknowledged Truth”, is literally a conclusion that anyone would logically follow, given the circumstances.

I’m not entirely sure who originally coined the axiom; “Be wary of He who shouts the loudest”, but mark my words, and mark them well, for one day, and this sooner than later, Eric is going to trip over his own willful ignorance, and rather than fall, he’ll find himself gently floating down to the floor, as if he were the first leaf of Autumn, and only then, will both he and society, be better for it.

Or he may miss the floor entirely, as he obviously does in regards to the point of the Pro-Gay movement that clearly terrifies him so much. A heads up, my closet case: gays are not, and I repeat, NOT “coming for your children”, because that designation is solely borne by your party entire. You know, the political entity that’s currently banning books, attempting to turn America into a dictatorial Theocracy, and doing all that it can to ensure that guns remain in schools, while taking actual history and free lunches out of them?

In addition, there is also no “Gay Agenda” either, save for the one where someone’s sexual orientation isn’t regarded as justifiable grounds for harassment, threats, slurs, and societal degradation, by self-righteous and wholly hypocritically hateful Beta-cucks such as yourself. The closest I’ve ever witnessed to this demographic ever having an organized outline in regards to anything, are only whereas brunches, weddings, and house parties are concerned.

But I’m afraid I haven’t given you the full context of who Eric really is, or to be more accurate, was, before bashing the Gay community became an obsession of his. He was in fact, a Salt Lake City Police officer, a job that he was fired from, after asking to be reassigned in relation to working a gay ride event, on the basis of such being offensive to his sense of so-called Faith.

According to Moutsos, doing so got him suspended for “discrimination.”, which he later attempted to explain away in an interview to the Los Angeles Times by saying that; “I love gay people. I love them like I love humanity. I just did not agree with some of the messages in that parade.”

In Eric’s “I’m the real victim here” narrative, he explained that In June of 2014, he was assigned along with several other motorcycle officers, to ride in Utah’s Pride Parade in Salt Lake City. They were to perform what he described as “celebratory circles”, or as us sane viewers of parades call them, “cool motorcycle tricks”. He told his superiors that his religious views made him uncomfortable doing something that suggested he supported the cause, which he does not.

In a public statement acquired by the LAT, Moutsos claimed that his superiors refused his request to work a different part of the event, noting that; “It is unquestionably my duty as a police officer to protect everyone’s right to hold a parade or other event, but is it also my duty to celebrate everyone’s parade?”, an assertion which congenitally overlooks the him doing his job, even if is an obvious PR gambit, does not indicate one’s personal support.

He attempted to defend this homophobia by weaponizing the completely unrelated analogy of race relations by stating to the LAT; “I asked my supervisor, ‘What if an African American officer didn’t want to ride in front of a KKK parade?’ And he said he’d have to do it. That’s when I knew in my heart it was wrong.”

Hmmm… “it was wrong”, says the guy who claims to “love gay people”, and yet, despite a track record of working as security in full uniform to secure the safety of gay and lesbian couples seeking marriage licenses, as well as a highly documented episode of defending a gay couple who were confronted while kissing at the Mormon Temple in SLC, he still felt the need to publicly draw his line in the sand, in regards to a parade where not a soul would care who, or what, he was.

But like most alleged bigots who find themselves unwillingly being skewered in the public eye, Moutsos parlayed his hateful ignorance into a brand new career, serving as the manager of development for the Sutherland Institute, a conservative think tank based in Utah, before creating the company Freedom Blends, a supplement company based on, and I am not making this up, “the principles of Freedom and Liberty.”

Some of their products include, First Amendment Multivitamins, Pro-Life Protein, Commie Cleanse, Sleep Off Socialism, and their flagship #1 product, Freedom Fuel.

And because the guy who has no problems with the LGBTQ Community despite all the evidence to the contrary, is such a people person, he also loves to hold speaking events where, given the YouTube Videos of his that I’ve watched, he blathers ignorantly about topics ranging from the Constitution (which he obviously doesn’t understand) to God’s plans, (which he obviously cherry-picks) for justification of his inanity, as evidenced by this direct quote:

“I love to watch people light up by feeling the spirit of Liberty (2 Cor 3:17). God wants us to be free. He created us to be free. He established America for just that. And if we don’t continue to gather and promote these universal principles, we will lose it all over again. My hope and goal is to not let that happen.”

I’d point out to Captain Not-America here that God plainly mandated that we serv him eternally or face dire consequences for not doing so, which to the educated among us, is literally the antithesis of: “Freedom”, but since it seems that Eric is pretty hopped up on own Commie Cleanse, that conversation will have to wait for now, I guess. Therefore, may I suggest Eric, that you take your faux outrage, and stuff it where eventually one day, your expected for quite some time now boyfriend, will hopefully find it?

Thanks. You’re a peach, if not a seemingly hateful bigoted bitch.

But as you might expect, while I would most certainly write about my interaction with this Christsucker here, I also felt the need to comment on his original post, as is my nature. Keep in mind, that the only thing required for ignorance to take root and spread, is the inaction of those watching it do so unchecked, and I am so not about doing that:

See? I can keep it short when I need to. Although to be fair, I’m of the mindset that if I had used too many words to get my argument across, Eric wouldn’t have understood it to begin with. Case in point one last time, if only to prove that Eric’s self-declared love for Gay people, is just as solid as his grasp on the teachings of Jesus:

Man… you can just feel the love of Cheezus coming through his most loyal of servants, can you not? I won’t speak for you, but I just love it when a hypocrite’s mask falls away from their lying lizard skin-suit, if only for a moment, and reveals who they really are underneath. While Eric’s so-called savior sat with the Lepers, Moutsos uses their modern-day equivalents, as nothing more than a spiteful punchline, veiled in crudity.

However, two can play the snark game as it currently stands, but unlike my Deity to the Dimwitted here, I’ve had far more practice at eating souls, versus selling the gullible ones pointless (if profitable) jars of supplements, so here goes:

In my limited defense, I would like to note that not only am I calling attention to his inherently ignorant bias, I’m also wishing him well during his can’t-come-soon-enough unwilling tenure in Hell. And in an even far more gracious gambit, I go one step further, and warmly recommend some crucial supplies for the trip.

But I am truly curious about one thing though, and that is this: how is it possible to metaphorically masturbate with the very guide book that tells you in no uncertain terms, just how to be a good person, and yet somehow, still miss the entire f**king point of said advice, not just by miles, but by multiple galaxies?

Referencing which, most persons who claim some form of dedicated religiosity, also profess to believe in established reality, despite the obvious contradictions that such loyalty to the theological, would inherently bring to the surface. I truly am sorry, but you can’t believe in the splitting of the atom and the potential of nanotechnology, while still adhering to the dictums of a Bronze-Age collection of fairy-tales, as your factual orientation checklist.

Don’t get me wrong, I myself, would love to be able to blame all of my transgressions on the machinations of a Hellspawn, but unfortunately, Logic and Reason snared me into a mutual three-way several decades ago, and to be honest, it’s been working out great so far being the one who’s solely responsible for my own f**k-ups.

Being a sensible person yourself, you might logically surmise that persons who place their faith in the myth that is the story of Jesus, would be theoretically in line with other forms of magical thinking, but you’d be wrong, for as they like to consistently (if not ironically) point out, they as a whole, don’t give any form pf serious credence to that level of spiritual malarkey:

So to recap, Christians don’t consult Psychics, Ouija Boards, or Mediums, but talking snakes, burning bushes, Angels, and self-declared Prophets allegedly working for an omnipotent and wholly imaginary sky-daddy, are perfectly A-OK to take guidance from in their stead? Got it. But even better than this prime example of unwitting self-ownership, is this following one, that attempts to marry the Modern with the Chalcolithic, and not too surprisingly, falls way short of the intended goalposts:

Label me a cynic, but openly informing us all, that you have confidence that a book of contradictory morality that was transcribed from illiterate goat-herders over the span of several centuries, is an incalculable assist in today’s age of modernity, is akin to my looking at a can of twenty-eight-year-old tuna, and thinking I can pass it off as the freshest of horderves, without the majority of my guests possibly suffering a fatal case of food poisoning.

But to be fair in regards to these Disciples of Dipshi**ery, they actually are very big on encouraging others to read, which normally would be considered an asset for a society intent on bettering its intellectual understanding of the practical at large, but unfortunately as far as said culture is concerned, they’ve only skimmed the source material that they keep pushing upon us, and it shows:

Look… I’ve placed stock in a lot of intangible things over my lifetime, and while some such as the Star Wars prequels have failed my expectations, others, such as the Mad Max cinematic quatrain, have not. But at no point, and regardless of the situation at hand, has the thought ever occurred to me, that I required any form of manifested celestial guidance to overcome the difficulties of a modern-day society.

As a rule, it’s perfectly fine to take some things at face value, but when those things involve proclamations from sentient ether, the intrigues of demons, and the propagation of alleged miracles, not only does logic need to take back the steering wheel from Jesus, it needs to do so, before the metaphorical car finds itself driving off either the proverbial cliff, or into an innocent family of four.

With no due respect, I’m fairly confident that if challenged, I could easily prove my assertion that most modern-day Christians are as familiar with the contextual content of the Bible, as Donald Trump is with unblemished ethics and the practice of marital fidelity.

I make this reference to the World’s Angriest Creamsicle, not out of a need to make an easy joke, but for the fact that just in case you missed it somehow, the Christian Alt-Wrong as of late, have fully tossed aside their originally cast Savior and his teachings, in favor of a modern-day Golden Calf, and his moronic miasma of mental obesity.

This in turn, has led to nothing less than the formation of a virulent cult that willingly, has sworn its unquestioning allegiance to laud Hate over Hope, Conservatism over Common Sense, and to endorse the unhinged demands of a mango-tinted man-child over the needs of Mankind.

And in this regard, they’re certainly not shy about letting their duplicitous stance be known, despite its level of outright if not duplicitous blasphemy, and all I need do to certify this POV of mine, is to just let their own words and actions, speak for themselves:

You do see the inherent problem here, do you not?  Other than the direct threat to the faceless cabal who are allegedly, are “attacking” Derek’s preferred president, there’s also the ludicrous inference that Trump, a known serial adulterer. liar, con-man, coward, and narcissistic sexual deviant, is somehow now, an “anointed prophet” whose life is based in serving the mercurial whims of the mythical Lord above, rather than himself.

That checks out, right? Because when I think “Warrior for Christ”, the first person that comes to mind is this mango-tinted, if not far more obese, version of Judas Iscariot. Let me put it this way- if Trump had been a guest at the Last Supper, not only would he have sold Jesus out to the highest bidder, he would have made sure to steal the silverware as well, right after he stiffed Jesus for the check, on his way out the door.

Not to mention, Derek’s casually arrogant transgression in regards to Deuteronomy 18:22, is also something we should pay attention to, because I can assure you, that if God did indeed exist, he sure as hell would: “When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.”

Essentially, what it transcribes as in common English, is this: “Hi Derek. God here, and I really need you to both stop putting words in my mouth, and to shut the f**k up as well, for if I were to pick a champion, I sure as hell wouldn’t pick a guy who uses the Ten Commandments as a wrapper for his hush payments to pornstars.”

If there is one aspect that I find to be truly vile about the ever-mutating face of modern Christianity, it’s the rebranding of its worst transgressional hypocrites being lauded as the purest of its spiritual seers, and the shoehorning of Trump into the chair once reserved for Jesus alone, is quite possibly the greatest con-job that the Religious Alt-Right has ever succeeded at carrying across the finish line.

Next to the fantastically absurd concept of an all-knowing deity sitting in judgement above us, that is. I do have to admit however begrudgingly, that placing Trump as the political embodiment of the right hand of God while wholly insane, does still make sense when viewed from inside the bubble of his movement’s bloviating bogusness.

He’s everything they themselves wish to be: vulgar, cretinous, selfish, hypocritically lecherous, and seemingly free of consequences related to his abominable actions. In other words, today’s modern interpretation of spiritual sanctity. I would also say “rich”, but since his lifestyle is blatantly financed by his brain-dead disciples, I’ll leave that off the table for now. So, just how do these so-called moral persons rationalize this obvious contradiction to their Faith versus their political ideology?

Well, they simply do what all lucid deep thinkers do when faced with an unwinnable paradoxical situation, they ignore it completely, and assume that all will work out for the best in the end, because when it gets right down to the brass tacks, the overall long-term memory of his cult is pretty much akin to a goldfish that played professional football… without a helmet:

I’ve said it before, and mythical God knows I will find myself saying it again, but if Herr Twitler here was seriously the best draft pick that He could find to run the American division of his six-day creative splurge, He either needs to find a better temp agency to lease employees from, or just start going directly to Satan himself, in order to cut out the inefficient middle men.

I for one, have always enjoyed the faux representation of determined machismo that the Vanilla Vanguard awards to the man who can’t take on his critics face to face, but place an I-Phone in the center of his tiny little hands, and you’d swear you were dealing with the ghost of Leonidas himself.

And when they’re not overlooking his blatant lacking courage, they’re depicting him as the very essence of an Übermensch made flesh, which to be fair, he does have a lot of, even if it is overall, reminiscent of one attached to a diseased Oompa Loompa. Now, when these hordes of desperately photo shopping fan-boys get such unfounded propaganda “right”, the image produced can be nothing short of … well, epic, actually:

Look at this. Just LOOK at it. It exudes Confidence. Bravery. Resoluteness. And even better, the armor almost hides that giant-ass land mass that he wittily refers to as his stomach. Granted, the head swap comes off as a special effect produced by the same digital effects team that were responsible for the James Bond paragliding scene in “Die Another Day”, but hey, in order to whitewash a fascist, sometimes ya’ gotta break a few laws of artistic perspective, I guess.

But as it is with all matters of propagandist outreach, it can also go so horribly wrong as well, and nothing ties in this observation of mine, quite like this depiction what happens when faux Faith and political abomination get it on behind a Cracker Barrel, and then give birth to the resultant baby just outside the front gates of a Trump rally:

I quite literally, have no words to accurately describe the feeling of “WhatInTheHolyF**kIsThis?”, that I’ am currently experiencing concerning this horrific homage to hilariously misplaced imagery. I mean… we see our lineup of American heroes, resplendent with patriotism, ready to engage in fierce battle with what I can only assume, is an enemy hopefully susceptible to dying from laughter, and all upcoming jokes aside, it’s seriously weirder than anything I’ve ever seen, as far as this sort of delusional demagoguery goes.

Let’s take stock, if we may- we have the late John Wayne, standing steadfast with his six-gun at the ready, and on the opposite side, the Americanized version of Jesus, draped with the colors that don’t run, unless of course, there’s nothing for us to exploit from where we landed, holding what looks like an earth-shooed grenade, because let’s face it, if you possess all the power of Creation within you as if it were the Gauntlet of Thanos, your most effective weapon will be the one that you would never think to use, right from the start.

However, I will cut JC some slack here, because much like how the Force is arbitrarily utilized by the Jedi, his powers only work whenever the plot seemingly demands it. I could, if were less of a cynic, suggest that maybe the Son of Man’s abilities can only be unleashed in the presence of true believers, but if that were indeed true, then all those prayers that have been pointlessly uttered since the dawn of time, surely would have been answered in full by now, right?

If I were to assess the effectiveness of modern-day Christianity to actually affect change given this parameter, I’d infer that it’s just like Voodoo, but with extra Caucasian added in, if only to improve its marketability towards a wider audience..

irrespectively, the true genius of this Alt-Wrong masturbatory morass, is the depiction of the mango-tinted man-child standing at its visual center, which is somewhat appropriate, considering his pathological need to always be the center of attention to begin with. While some of you mat-y think that the most dangerous place casually stand would be on any random street corner in Downtown Detroit, I’d respectfully disagree, and state that in my opinion, the greatest threat to one’s personal safety would be to inadvertently find oneself caught between Trump and a cable TV news crew.

Given the hallucinatory vibe emanating from within this paint by meth at home starter kit, Trump’s representation is still the most bizarre aspect being portrayed, tiny hands down.

As an outside observer to this madness, I get why John Wayne is there, (AMERICAN RESILIENCE!) I get why Jesus is there, (AMERICA IS GOD’S FAVORITE COUNTRY!) but past the point of lazily engineered propaganda geared towards the slack-brained, it makes no sense as to why Trump is. I mean, he’s not a Christian, he’s not a Patriot, nor a true leader of Men, and let’s be honest here, he looks goddamn stupid as f**k, whenever he attempts to act as if he’s down with the blue collars, as evidenced below:

Seriously. What in the hell is happening here? Is he passing a kidney stone? Did he accidentally sit on his undersized mushroom of a penii? Or is it just that the mere thought of an honest day’s work, causes him to be violently ill to his overly corpulent gut? Good questions all, but sadly, they’re for another time, methinks.

But I must give credit where credit is due, and give mad props to this artistic experiment as a whole, because despite its absurdity, the artist nailed his subjects perfectly, and did so, with ten-foot spikes. Not only did he cast the perfect setting for this delusion and fantastical battle for the very soul of America in front of the White House, he accurately displayed with no small amount of panache, Trump’s penchant for lecherously dry-humping defenseless American flags, as well.

And right in front of Jesus, no less. Say what you will, but that’s some brass eggs being cast right there, even if dually, they are the size of a dehydrated jellybean. What I find truly hilarious though, is the fact that Trump’s facial expression in both sets of imagery, is almost identical:

Now, while I’m certain that this is no more than a bizarre coincidence, it’s still quite odd, given the number of images that the artist could have used for reference, and yet, he/she/they still chose, and this apparently on purpose, the one that in my eyes, makes him look like a constipated bullfrog having an orgasm.

However, I’m still genuinely puzzled as to what the artist was trying to convey here- Trump who one would assume, is in charge of the allegorical skirmish, is also the only one without the ability or the courage to do so.

Keep in mind, this craven not only dodged the draft with invented bone spurs, he also refused to testify in regards to both the Mueller Investigation and the J6 Committee, and when recently subpoenaed to present testimony in a NYC-based fraud prosecution, he took the 5th no less than 440 times.

But yeah… the mango man-child, is the Chosen One, destined to enter the fray of battle, and emerge victorious against all who would dare oppose him. Note that I said “Him”, because he sure as hell doesn’t care about anyone else save himself, and when it comes to this country… well, it’s probably akin to being one of his ex-wives- he’ll use us for the tax deduction, but he’s okay if we have to be dead first, if that’s what’s required for him to qualify.

This mix of politics and quasi-religion is nothing new by American standards, [See; “Reaganism”] but I’d dare say that it’s never been nearly as virulent as it currently is now.

And the people who mainline it as if it were I let loose inside a Ding Dong factory, are quite literally, just a debunked conspiracy theory away from going full cuckoo, as evinced by this not-insane-at-all observational post, from a person whom I can only hope after briefly interacting with him, has no easy access to anything even remotely resembling an arsenal.

In advance, I apologize for its length, if not its sheer insanity, but sometimes ya gotta break a chicken farm’s worth of eggs, to make an oblivious omelet:

Wow. Just… wow.

Granted, there’s a lot to unpack here, but I still find myself leaning towards the assessment that Democrats are “terroristic tyrant terrorists terrorizing our freedom of speech” as the best unhinged tongue twister that has ever been crafted by a brain this cracked, their obviously twitching hands down. What can I say? I just love delusional word play, and there’s plenty to be found within this mental breakdown masquerading as a religious fugue.

What I’m not digging however, other than the bad grammar, muddled rationale, and inherent paranoia, is the barely contained seething rage directed towards all things unfamiliar by this eventual cautionary tale to society, if not the several differing agencies of law enforcement. I say this due to Andre’s numerous references to Death and the waging of War, that he’s sprinkled throughout his rant as if they were cancer croutons.

If one looks closely at the compiled list of Andre’s metaphorical issues with today’s society, coupled with his deliberate perverting of the Word into a weaponized cudgel to justify going after everyone and everything that Andre detests, ranging from Democrats (of course) to Gender Awareness, (naturally) it becomes fairly obvious that somewhere along the line, the once gleaming pinnacle of his Faith has besmirched zealotry.

And while it’s exceedingly rare for me to seriously and non-sarcastically, suggest that any of the persons I write about pose a potential threat to the citizenry around them, but if I were to do so just this once, Andre here, would-be at the top of my go-to list for a long-overdue mental evaluation and this, most definitely within the confines of a secured room wallpapered in the manner of a fortified bouncy castle.

And naturally of course, I just had to infer that in my retort, albeit in the nicest way possible:

Never let it be said that even with my overbearing sense of inherent cynicism, that I can’t be concerned about the mental well-being of others. And Andre, being such a noble paragon of his alleged Faith, made sure to display as much of it as humanly possible, in a response that could do no thong less than make Jesus openly weep that Ander was mistakenly recruited to play for his team:

Damn. That is harsh, is it not? No wonder Jesus ducks Andre’s friend requests, as if they were a cadre of Roman legionnaires camped outside his resurrection cave. Now as to what this Mormon moron is referring to in regards to his wordplay, is the concept of Reprobation, which in Christian theology, is a dogmatic belief which imparts that a person can reject the gospel to such a point that God in turn, rejects them and curses their conscience, which is ironic, since God himself seems to lack one of any note.

However, Andre wasn’t done taking a cue or two from his sociopathic Sky-daddy just quite yet, and decided that he most certainly needed for some strange reason, to prove just how far he could get his own head down the rabbit hole, and up his own ass:

If this is the best spiritual warriors that God can recruit for his “A” team, it makes perfect sense then that his “B” squad is comprised mostly of people whose home decorating taste resembles that of a Hobby Lobby located inside the bathrooms of Forever 21. But all jokes aside, Andre, for all of his obvious intellectual flaws, does represent rather succinctly, just what modern-day Christianity has become- hateful, unhinged, and given the right circumstances and odious guidance, possibly dangerous.

And realizing this, I did what I always do when dealing with someone who might be dangerously compromised intellectually- I poked him with a stick:

Once again, I’d like to call attention to my concern for both Andre and the court-ordered professionals, who most certainly, will be dealing with him down the road. I told you I was nice. Somedays, it’s like you don’t know me at all. But this kind of disturbed clapback such as it is, only serves to reinforce the proof of the disconnection that these blasphemous blockheads have in concern to both Logic and Humanity, and no matter where you throw your gaze, you’ll see the definitive indication of such, almost everywhere:

But after such a rather disturbing run of commentary, I do believe that collectively, we could use a small injection of the patently absurd, so I’d like to ease in to this newest of topics, by starting off our Carousel of Crazy with a far-lighter and humorous first installment

Before I dive in to this fantastical fever-dream with my usual sensitivity and assessment, some background context first, if I may: Mr. Woodford here, was in medical terms, “clinically dead”, a condition generally put in play by cardiac arrest, wherein there is termination of both blood circulation and breathing, which as we all know, are somewhat important in maintaining the continuance of one’s life.

When it comes to what is defined as a stereotypical case of clinical death, the progression is as follows: consciousness is lost within several seconds, while assessable brain activity ceases within 20 to 40 seconds. As the episode of CD advances, the risk of ischemic injury, which can cause potentially fatal blood clotting issues in regards to the body’s vital organs and tissues, is a constant concern. Granted, while blood flow can be stopped in the entire body (below the heart) for up to 30 minutes, the danger of permanent damage to the spinal cord, cannot be taken lightly.

Interestingly, while bone, tendons, and skin, can survive within a range of 8 to 12 hours, I’d suggest however, that if one has been turned into the mental equivalent of a carrot or more accurately, that of the intellectual void possessed by your standard Trump voter, then maybe accepting Death at face value, would really be the best option to go with, overall.

To note: I don’t believe in “near-death” experiences, given the fact that I’ve had two serious brushes with Death itself, and walked away with zero tales to tell, and when it comes to those who claim that they’ve been to Heaven, Valhalla, Ioka, or a Chili’s that serves truly edible food, I give even less credence, but I digress. However, despite my inherent and valid cynicism, if thinking magically truly brings you joyful purpose, then far be it from me to deflate your sadly delusional bubble,

That having been said, if you’ve had such an experience, and place your stock in that it was a divine vision over that of it being a far more credible organic hallucination brought on by the trauma of the traumatic event that put you in that position, I’m afraid my skepticism will eventually rise to the surface somewhat. Here’s the rub, as it were- if afterwards it causes you to seriously reevaluate some things in your life for the better, I honestly think that’s nothing but a positive.

On the other hand, however, if it turns you into a wandering prophet spreading a message of cheerfully disingenuous lunacy, I ain’t getting in bed with that, no matter how good your sales pitch is. If you’ve truly been to the Promised land, and all that you can describe to me is that the Golden fields were running amuck with babies and horses, I’m going to be very disappointed, unless within that declaration, you can also inform me, that said horses were riding the babies bareback, as their eternal reward for putting up with humans riding them. .

Given the rumor that Satan has complimentary lap dancers for new arrivals, and with only a three-drink minimum and no cover charge as well, you’re really going to need to bring your “A” game, if you want to get me willingly wading across the river Styx. And that in large part, is due to just how divisively spiteful so-called Christians present themselves to be:

How would he know” you’re a fake Christian, KC? Well, my first guess would probably be based on the actions and words of yours that they’ve observed, but that’s just me going for the blatantly obvious choice. But I’m sure that like all things, it’s just a matter of opinion, right? In fact, I’m sure with just a little research, I could easily prove that you’re a fine upstanding person of impeccable morality:

Oops. My bad. Never mind. Once again, for persons who declare from the rooftops that they’re all about practicing kindness, they do seem fairly touchy most of the time when called to do so, don’t they? But I’d hate for you to go away empty-handed, as you’re already dangerously empty-headed, KC, so let me grant you some advice and a personal observation.

First, it’s spelled “Atheist”, and second, if there ever was a (proxy)moron, it most certainly, is you.

Moving on, we come to the next interesting character quirk about the Religious Wrong, and that, is their declared propensity for dually fetishizing and justifying the threat of violence, whenever they’re challenged in respect to their thin as onion-skin principles. For people who allegedly serve an icon that promotes acceptance, love, tolerance, and fellowship, modern-day Christians seem far too eager to want to put a cap in somebody’s ass regardless of the supposed level of the provocation involved:

Despite Jesus saying in Matthew 5:44 that “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you”, today’s ever-increasingly psychotic defenders of the faith such as our future headline Koerner here, are just looking for a fight, even if they have to invent both it and the adversary that they’ll need to serve as the scapegoat for its fomentation.

I don’t wish to cast my net of aspersion far and wide, but I have serious reservations concerning the ability of people who willingly pose for selfies like this, and whom, as rumor has it, can’t pass a Confederate flag without touching themselves, of possessing the mental aptitude necessary to successfully overthrow the standing Federal government:Yup… nothing to see here folks, save for yet another garden variety American sociopath, taking a casual stroll through the cesspits of the Interweb, on his way to making yet another bad decision, based on nothing more than misplaced anger, stunning ignorance, and quite possibly, the undiagnosed after effects of being your own father.

This right here boys and girls, is what the underbelly of the Religious Wrong rests on- the self-declared moral righteousness of the testicleless twits that comprise not only the nucleus of the Gravy Seals and Meal Team Six, but also the putrid prophets of faux patriotism, who after they’ve taken America from the clutches of said imaginary enemies, will turn it back into the full-blown Theocracy that it never was.

For the record, both of these cultural impediments represent the Genocide, Slavery, Elitism, Misogyny, Racism, and Colonization that this was country was corruptly founded on, and the Bible represents the velvet glove that was used to jam said moral contradictions down the allegorical throats of everyone who wanted a far more equitable society.

Guns are the enforcement aspect of the hypocritical hydra, and as for the Bible, it serves as the propaganda that attempts to soothe and distract the embattled mass, as it disingenuously rationalizes as to why the force that’s being applied, as unfortunately so necessary. However, I would like to, if I may, hasten to correct the false narrative that’s being depicted here- Liberals do want to “get rid of” Guns or Religion.

What we do want, is to keep the damaging effects of both virulent ideologies that underpin them, out of our personal lives and decisions, our schools, and most importantly, our government and its judicial process. And as an aside, if you’re so adamantly confident that Jesus walks in lockstep with you at all times, then why is there a need for you strap on a substitute penii to simply go get a cup of coffee? 

I didn’t think that I’d ever have to say this in print, or even to myself for that matter, but when I, the atheist, engages in picturing Jesus, I tend to envision him acting far more like this:

And not at all in the manner that these pustular purveyors of the Word so proudly tend to do:

Aside from the ludicrousness of the message contained within this asinine and blasphemous absurdity, there’s also the issue of a supposedly devout Christian, altering the Word pf God itself, in clear violation of Matthew 12:36-37: “But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.”

Why is this an issue you ask? Well, other than being known for his prissiness in expecting his overburdened creations to slavishly and unquestionably follow his contradictory edicts, God also hates it when you deliberately misquote him, as well.

What Corinthians 15:3 actually says is; “For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures”, which even from a non-believers POV is as about as far away from the actual message that you can get, in my humble opinion, as this prime example of Christian tolerance shows:
Nevertheless, as far as taking broad artistic license goes, if it has to be done in the future, I’d suggest taking this approach next time, as it’s far less disturbed, if not dead-on accurate:

But leave it to the dimwitted dispellers that are modern-day Christians, to further misinterpret what at best, was already a crazy-sack of half-baked moral conundrums, and present it to the uninterested world entire as a sane philosophy and a refuge for the unwarrantedly self-righteous, even if all evidence to the contrary, lifestyle tends to show up long before their point for promoting such, ever does:

If I may, a few observations? As it is with all demagogues clawing at the parapets of relevance, this is simply yet another attempt to justify their own beliefs and biases, using the carefully cherry-picked narrative of the Word to serve as an ersatz form of evidentiary backup.

Let me remind you all, that it’s common knowledge that the earliest prototype of what would later become the equivalent of today’s modern-era gun, was invented in China, somewhere around the year of 1000 AD.

1000 AD. Let’s think about that, shall we?

For the non-mathematicians among us, that’s a full millennia after Jesus’s supposed death. To note, swords are not guns, and vice-versa, and for those of us whose brains still work, we already know this to be true, but as Christians, deliberately manipulating the fabric of reality into the fantastical edicts of a magical sky-daddy, is just oar for the course, so why should this gross distortion of Jesus’ intent, come as any surprise?

The full text of the passage displayed within this meme, is as follows: “That ye may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. And he said unto him, Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death.

And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me. And he said unto them, When I sent you without purse, and scrip, and shoes, lacked ye any thing? And they said, Nothing. Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. For I say unto you, that this that is written must yet be accomplished in me,

And he was reckoned among the transgressors: for the things concerning me have an end. And they said, Lord, behold, here are two swords. And he said unto them, It is enough.”

So, what exactly does all of this actually mean in the end? According to actual Biblical scholars, such as David Lertis Matson, Luke 22:38 often functions, [and I quote his work directly] “in a symbiotic relationship with Luke 22:51 to rein- force the picture of Jesus as a principled pacifist. If Jesus is countenancing some sort of violent action, his rebuke at his arrest makes it clear that he rejects the way of violence altogether.”

And for those of you not familiar with Luke 22:51, it says this: “And Jesus answered and said, Suffer ye thus far. And he touched his ear, and healed him.”

Call me crazy here, but this hardly seems like the appropriate response of a man who allegorically, was openly preaching the doctrine of being locked and loaded, just before finding himself betrayed by one of his own. Looking right at you, Judas. And doing so, right after Jesus picked up the tab (plus the tip) for dinner?

Dick move, Judy. Dick move.

Speaking of which, there’s also the matter of the erroneous visualization of what the 2nd Amendment actually says as well. While it does grant citizens the right to bear arms, it is also fairly specific as to why that is:; “A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Read that again. Nowhere within this sacred to faux patriots’ text, does it certify that you can have guns to solely substitute for your lack of a marginal penii, nor does it require them for you to go get your coffee. The purpose ol a personal, and as I might point out, “WELL-REGULATED” armory, is to defend the continuing liberty of the Free State, and NOTHING ELSE.  

In fact, the late Former Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Warren Burger, once argued that the sale, purchase, and use of guns should be regulated just as automobiles and boats are regulated; such regulations, would not violate the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. In an interview he granted PBS in 1991, Burger commented that; “The gun lobby’s interpretation of the Second Amendment is one of the greatest pieces of fraud, I repeat the word fraud, on the American People by special interest groups that I have seen in my lifetime.”

Expanding upon his estimation in an op-ed that he wrote for The Associated Press about the Bill of Rights in the same year, he stated that; “the real purpose of the Second Amendment was to ensure that state armies, the militia, would be maintained for the defense of the state. The very language of the Second Amendment refutes any argument that it was intended to guarantee every citizen an unfettered right to any kind of weapon he or she desires.”

Wise words. And from a Conservative, no less. Nevertheless, I’d suggest that it’s unreasonable on any level for us normies, to expect that people who accessorize their one true god with a fully-stocked angelic arsenal, are ever going to be able to successfully delineate their malevolent merging of these two highly contradictory and dogmatic philosophies.

And as usual, I will happily provide a case in point:

Well. This is an overstuffed cornucopia of cracked, is it not?

It quite literally, has all the things- evil agendas, disingenuous leaders, and an impassioned plea for God, the Father of All, who preaches love, acceptance, and tolerance, to get personally involved, and help in the effort to celestially turn my now native New Mexico home, into a war zone reminiscent of the Wastelands depicted within the world of Mad Max.

Nonetheless, I am open to the theoretical concept that I could be the one in the wrong here. as maybe these paragons of morality, really do have a legitimate need for stockpiling so many guns in the name of their wholly invented and faux deity. For according to them, as we shall see, they exist 24/7 in a constant state of siege, defending themselves against a world that wishes nothing less than their total subjugation:

I’m not entirely sure how to break it to Brian here, but Christ has as much to do with Christmas, as I have to do with Milla Jovovich’s sex life, despite my many requests to be involved with its planning committee on some tangible level. I’m kidding of course, because mythical Lord knows, those restraining order case reviews can be a real witch, even on the best of days.

Now, while Christmas has been a federally recognized holiday in America since 1870, its true origins go back further still, and not too surprisingly, they have nothing to do with the myth of Christ. I won’t delve too deeply in regards to the details here, for lack of both time and fear for my remaining sanity, but what we celebrate in this day and age, was insured by the many traditions surrounding the Winter Solstice.

In Scandinavia, the Norse celebrated “Yule” from the 21st of December through the entire month of January, in recognition of the return of the Sun. Germany, on the other mittened hand, honored the pagan god Odin instead. As they were convinced that Odin undertook night-time flights to observe his people, so that he could judge [as if he were the harshest of Santas] whether they should thrive or die, many of his believers willingly chose to keep a low profile during this period.

But the medal for party of the year, just has to be given to the Romans, who not only celebrated Saturnalia, [which paid homage to Saturn, the Roma god of agriculture] they got down with Juvenalia as well, which was a repast that honored the children of Rome. As far as blow-outs go, Saturnalia was the OG of them all- commencing in the week leading up to the winter solstice, it would go on for a full month, and was decidedly, due to its hedonistic nature and underpinnings, as unchristian as you could get.

So, given this background info, how was this swinging good time co-opted by some of the most uptight people on Earth? Well, as it turns out, In the initial years of Christianity, Easter was the holiday BMIC (Big Man In Church), and yet ironically, the birth of Jesus wasn’t even a considered footnote, whereas the overall celebration was concerned.

However, that all changed in the 4th Century, when church authorities decided to celebrate the birth of Jesus, despite the glaring and wholly inconvenient reality, that regardless of iteration, the Bible does not mention the date of his birth at all. This awkward lack of notation was later weaponized by the Puritans, in order to cast derision upon the validity of said holiday.

Given the presence of sheep herding in his origin story, some scholars have proposed that if such a person ever existed, his actual birthday would most likely be sometime in the Spring, because what Shepard in his right mind, wants to be doing so in the dead of winter? 

It is generally ascribed however, that the actual reason why Pope Julius I elected December 25 as the date of Jesus’ birth, was it being part of a calculated move in which, the traditions of the paganistic Saturnalia celebrations would be eventually amalgamated, but without its less savory proclivities occurring in tandem.

Obviously, David doesn’t know, (or care to know) any of this, hence the reason why his false perception concerning his false deity being robbed of his falsely attributed holiday, truly bothers him so much. But I’m not going to split too many of David’s hairs here, because it’s also fairly apparent, that he’s always had the wrong idea of what Christmas actually is or truly represents, for most of his life.

I’ll address the salient points as they occur to me, and hopefully by the time I’m done, my new friend David will not only be far happier regarding the ever-changing meaning of Christmas, but whereas his limited knowledge is concerned, I’ll endeavor as well to leave him a little bit smarter than when I initially discovered him.

I’d start with what I just proved using verifiable research, that Christ has as much to do with the celebration that is Christmas, very much in the same way that Nickelback has to do with the creation of listenable music. Following that, I’d also inform Saint Dick here, that nobody on this planet truly worries about offending a demographic of thin-skinned hypocrites who get their metaphorical testes twisted out of line every year, over the fact that once more, their local Starbucks didn’t get their holiday cups “Jesusy” enough for them.

Now as to his query of why people celebrate Christmas, if they’re not submissively unquestioning lambs of Christ, I think the answer is obvious; IT’S THE GIFTS, MOTHERF**KER. IT’S THE GIFTS. Sure, there’s also the additional bonus of the home-cooked food, as well as the family traditions, but the Artbitch here, is strictly invested for the gift cards and the possibility of adding to my collection of Star Wars toys.

Regardless, I do understand why David is so upset with us alleged basement Satanists, supposedly taking away “his” holiday, for it’s the one time of the year where his unbridled pretentiousness can run amuck and take unprovoked faux offense at everything he deems as inappropriately non-secular within his limited purview. But in the end, he really shouldn’t, because as I’ve already clarified, if you and Jesus are truly bonded, nothing in this world of the material, should really bother you one iota.

In fact, if David truly was a devoted disciple of his self-claimed sociopathically demented demagogue, he’d be akin to Ebenezer Scrooge, the titular character of Charles Dickens’, “A Christmas Carol”, who after being shown the error of his previously insular ways, vows that; “I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach.”

See David? The answer to your imaginary issue, was to be found in the book all along. Unfortunately for you, and much like the Bible that you’ve never cracked open, you haven’t read that one, either.

Moving on, we arrive at our next stop of delusional doublethink, courtesy of David’s fellow Christian-in-name only, one Mr. John Haniford. I’ve referenced Haniford before in a prior screed*, due to his penchant for comments both racist and homophobic, but histheorem as to why one should “believe’ in God, may be one of my favorite comments from this walking contradiction for Christ, hands down:
*[Artbitch Archive: May, 2022: “Conspiracy Drearies Pt. 2 (Transpotting)”

In case you missed the truly dizzying intellect on display here, Haniford suggests that even if you have serious doubts concerning or questioning, the existence of God, you should still worship him nevertheless, and I mean this literally, “just in case” you happen to be wrong.

Looking at it objectively, that is a truly compelling gambit to sell me wholesale on being in subjugation to a sociopath for the run of my natural life, based on the unwarranted hope that when I get to Heaven, I might have a shot at the ,late Tawny Kitaen.

Or it would be, if I was a complete f**king idiot. And as for the former Mrs. David Coverdale of Whitesnake fame, say what you will about her thespian theatrics, but I will go to my grave openly declaring this was the best hair metal girl of all time. All of my 80’s fan-boying aside, I still need to address Haniford’s somewhat disingenuous take concerning the application of slavish faith, so let me start with his premise as a collective whole.

If I follow the gist of Haniford’s proposition, it infers that I should spend my life entire, submissively groveling at the unworthy feet of a mercurial schizoid, lest I find myself dammed for all of eternity for not basing my very existence itself in fear of such.

Not only will I take a hard pass regarding this abject stupidity, I’ll go one better, and check off all the things listed that I’m not supposed to do as well, because as I’ve previously noted, spending my time with persons like Haniford in perpetuity, really isn’t the selling point that he might think it is.

To quote the song “The Wages of Sin” as written by the highly underrated Texas band the Rainmakers; “The wages of sin, the reward of fear, Is worrying and fretting every second of the year- If Heaven is guilt, no sex and no show, then I’m not sure if I really want to go.”

Call me crazy if you must, but to attempt selling me on upending my current existence in order to appease a never-seen, never-heard, and never-experienced sky-daddy, seems like a colossal act of deliberate self-delusion at best, and a disturbing and undiagnosed case of severe mental illness, at its worst.

However, as I am quite the reasonable person, I’ll make Hanford a deal- the day I can walk out of a courtroom scot-free after committing a crime, based on my openly stating that either “God forgives me”, or “the Devil made me do it”, that is the day I will happily covert to ascribing to Haniford’s White Voodoo cult, and I’ll even be willing to buy all of the garbage that comes with it, in order to atone for all of my previously imaginary sins.

Nevertheless, until that most glorious of days arrives, replete with its expected herald of Angels, my newest BFF Haniford here, is cordially invited to go take a flying f**k at a rolling doughnut, and call us square.

But as with all things, total and willing immersion within the unholy Waters of Wackadoo, will in time, eventually turn your intellect into a shriveled prune, and to close off this latest screed of mine, I’ll leave you with two prime examples of such to bolster this theorem of mine. First up, let’s meet a person who best exemplifies just why you’re not supposed to seriously consider producing your Meth using the application of an EZ-Bake oven:
Let me just go over the list here, if I may: is there incoherent babbling in literary form? Check. Are there abominable grammar, spelling, and sentence structuring errors as well? Check. And finally, does the entirety of said statement read as if they’re auditioning for the lead role in a remake of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”? Yup, a clean sweep across the board. Job well done, I must say.

But as insane as that is, there’s still far better evidence that these people live in a bubble of their own making, and this time around it’s one Samuel E. Tolley III, who brings us this deep brain-fried nugget of Christian love, faith, and tolerance, albeit one that’s been dipped repeatedly in a spicy WTF sauce:

Now, I know it’s been several decades since I regularly attended church, but if this is what’s on the current roster for Sunday services, those Houses of Worship sound lit as f**k. Minus the child sacrifice of course, because a man has to draw a line somewhere, even if every now and then, I’d like to see the consistently shrieking brat across the street get launched to Venus, using the services of a Trebuchet.

Tolley, who just so happens to be the author of a quaint little tome titled; “Enemy of Christ Revelation 21:8” which according to its online description, asks the ever-so-important question; “Are you a friend or an enemy of Christ?”, is definitely one to be considered for a future insertion in a secured room wallpapered in bubble wrap, given his absurdly asinine misinterpretation of what Christianity actually is, and what he erroneously thinks it’s valid detractors represent.

One of the things that I’ve always found curious in respect to the interpretation of religion, regardless of whatever aspect of it is represented, is just how some of its adherents manage to take an otherwise openly positive message of Love, Peace, and Inclusiveness, and deliberately mangle it, into a virulent and potentially violent memorandum of malevolence.

One of the things that I’ve always found curious in respect to the interpretation of religion, regardless of whatever aspect of it is represented, is just how some of its adherents manage to take an otherwise openly positive message of Love, Peace, and Inclusiveness, and deliberately mangle it into a virulent and potentially violent memorandum of malevolence.

There’s an old saying that declares that; “Third time’s the Charm”, but if this applies to Tolley, I can inky shudder at what his two previous iterations must have espoused.

To note, what Tolley is referencing in his straight to the obscurity bin book’s title, is this: “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”:

I could drop some serious shade here, concerning this biblical passage, by inferring that it’s no more than a detailed listing of the required characteristics to be considered a role model in the modern-day GQP,  but I think I’ll take the high road instead, and point out that by referencing this for his tepid tome, Tolley has perfectly positioned himself, as nothing less than the hypocrite’s go-to hypocrite.

Why do I say this? Let me count the ways: first, he supports a party that not only routinely defends or even worse, promotes persons of moral ambiguousness to run for higher office, despite the taint of their being accused and/or convicted, of a host of serious crimes, ranging from sexual assault to domestic violence.

Second, in a blatant case of calling the pot black, several of Trump’s political associates, such as Ruben Verastigui, Ronald Williams II, Adam Hageman, Caleb Bailey, George Nader, Ralph Shortey, Tim Nolan, Ben Gibson, Richard Ciccarella, and Anton Lazzaro, to name just a few, have all been charged with, or convicted for, sexually-related offenses, ranging from child sex trafficking, to possession of child pornography.

Third, Tolley’s chosen political home also invested a great deal of time and media coverage in the lauding of unrepentant murderers such as Kyle Rittenhouse, who gunned down three people (killing two) at a protest in Kenosha, Wisconsin, as well as decrying the conviction of a former Minneapolis cop turned convicted killer, Derek Chauvin, who willingly asphyxiated a handcuffed suspect by the name of George Floyd, over the course of ten agonizing minutes

This cold-blooded act of authoritarian abuse, led to worldwide protests against the current epidemic that is police brutality, but yes, my Troll-House kooky… it’s the Democrats who are in league with the allegorical Devil in these truly dark times. From an outsider’s perspective, Tolley’s list of imaginary transgressions that he slurs the Democrats with, is quite disturbing overall, but when measured against the moral atrocities that his God has engineered, it pales by contrast. Let’s compare the score sheets, if we may.

Child Sacrifice:  God seems cool with it, for as it is noted in 2 Kings 2:24:When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two female bears came out of the woods and TORE UP FORTY-TWO lads of their number.” And let’s not overlook Genesis 22: where God commands Abraham; “Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and OFFER HIM there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.”

Say what you will, but when taken at face value, God’s worth as a potential babysitter, should probably be centered somewhere between Freddy Kreuger and Albert Fish, if you take into account as you should, his penchant for murdering his creations wholesale.

Sodomy: Man, oh man, do Christians hate this sexual act or what? In the abstract, the implication one can glean from examining the relevant passages referencing it within the Bible itself, is that it has far less to do with its stereotypical homosexual connotation, as it tends to be used as a descriptive for both the act of rape and the attempt, to do so as declared in Genesis 9:20–27, and 19:1–11. Prostitution has also been associated with this act in tandem, as noted within the texts of Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, 1 Corinthians 6:9–10, and Timothy 1:10.

And for people who claim to hate the practice so much, it does seem like an awful lot of Christians are morbidly fascinated with the intricacies of unfettered ass-play, regardless of what other sins may be up for discussion at the time. I’m sure that there’s nothing there worth sharing with the class. At least not for now.

Nature Worship: To that, I will present the passage that is Job 12:7–10: “But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this?” Once again, he seems cool with it, so long as you don’t engage in acts of abhorrent sodomy, while you’re appreciating his six-day investment.

However, Conservatives disrespecting Mother Nature really isn’t all that strange, bearing in mind that when they look at it, all they see is yet another opportunity to cast degradation upon something widely considered to be feminine, but this time, managing to turn a profit while doing so.

Blasphemy, Idolatry, Defamation of God & False Christianity:This, from the people who’ve willingly replaced Jesus with Trump, the Word with populist propaganda, and represent the teachings within the Bible, akin to the way that Ted Bundy once represented being an ally for the Women’s Rights movement. Of the 70’s. Not only do these disingenuous demagogues represent a very real threat to both our culture and country, they’re also accordingly, their own worst enemy as well.

Affording the normal amount of societal shift that occurs over decades, modern-day religion in general, is on the decline. Christianity, the largest religion in the United States, was once tabulated as being the primary faith of 73.7% of the total population in 2016, but by 2020, only 47% of Americans said that they belonged to a church, down from the previously set highwater mark of 70%, in 1999.

And while there was an increase in Catholic membership between the years of 2000 and 2017, there was also, an almost 11% decline in the number of churches. Unsurprisingly, the numbers continue to spiral ever downward, as weekly church attendance among Catholics, has dropped from 55% in 1970, to today’s average of 20%,

It’s almost as if across the board, critical thinking adults have started to realize that as well as being a cancer upon one’s humanistic outlook, organized religion directly affects our interpersonal and political relationships to boot, and not for the better.

The lauded Italian inventor and astronomer, Galileo Galilei, once opined that; “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect, has intended us to forgo their use.” A philosophical assessment that i would strongly encourage every self-declared Christion to cast some personal reflection upon. That is, when they can take the time to stop contradicting themselves, via their own words, actions, and hypocritical misdeeds.

In closing, i will quote author Salman Rushdie, who succinctly summed up the absurdity of presenting religion as a protected bastion of inscrutability: “Respect for Religion” has become a code phrase for “fear of Religion”. Religions, like all other ideas, deserve criticism, satire, and yes, our fearless disrespect.”

Speaking the truth, Salman. However, since it didn’t come from a talking snake, a burning bush, a disembodied voice in the clouds, or appear as a stain in the shape of the Holy Mother, I doubt that any of these dimwitted disciples, will grasp it.


“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?” – Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy