Wayne Michael Reich

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Dope Springs Infernal, Part 1. (The Trumpists that Blow.)

“Wayne Michael Reich; I feel fine because I know I’m going to be Raptured and you’re going to burn for Eternity and no amount of denial on your part can change it.” – James Spring, self-declared Oklahoma-based Christian, showcasing the duplicity of his Faith, as no one else can.

 Greetings, Bitchiteers!
Whatever shall we talk about today?

Well, over the last few screeds, I’ve discussed the inanity of politically-based conspiracy theories, examined the illogicality of the pro-Trump movement intertwined within the same, and with my usual thoughtful discretion, dismembered this bumper-sticker ideology, that as a rule, has been distilled through a filter rife with quasi-Evangelical hypocrisy.

As I will come to highlight, using examples set forth by cafeteria Christians, such as the above quoted James Spring and others to be mentioned, the rabbit holes of inane illogicity run far deeper than most realize, and sadly, they have not only consumed the intellect of a number of unfortunate and gullible dullards, but as Spring’s words will demonstrate in time, they’ve consumed their humanity as well.    

And despite the incontrovertible evidence that underpins this assessment of mine, these same purveyors of a puerile faith still maintain that by any measure, their abominableness towards their fellow humans, is wholly approved by the one true God- you know, the deity whose teachings they don’t follow, the writer of the words they do not correctly interpret, and the originator of the lessons that they do not learn from, even at the expense of their own comfort?

This in turn, has led to Spring and his like-minded cultist brethren, most of whom are suffering from a severe case of mango-man-crush, to attempt to validate the inherent ridiculousness of their obviously manufactured celestial deity, by deliberately overlooking those qualities of his, which at best, define him as nothing less than a mercurial sociopath.

Now, while this acerbic assessment of mine could be equally applied to both God, and his GQP anointed successor Donald Trump, I’ll just leave that up to you, my loyal readers, to eventually ascertain which is which, for yourselves.

As expected, such mental moribundity isn’t propelled by the actions of a singular individual, even if like Trumpism, it is the definitive characterization of a Personality Cult. No self-styled supreme leader operates within a total vacuum, as we well know, and regardless of the mango man-child’s overblown Ego, if he didn’t have his slavishly disturbed cheerleaders hyping his name 24/7. he wouldn’t have squat.

But unlike the aesthetically pleasing cheer-leading squad of our high school days, and the out of our league ones usually associated with professional sport teams, these particular hopping heralds of hypocrisy, are no better than the dancers working the lunch shift at that strip club located just outside of town.

You know, the kind of place that’s so skeevy, that if you accidentally dropped your car keys, you’d debate just how much you really needed them, if only to avoid making direct contact with the floor?

And therein, lies the underpinning for today’s literary exploration of America’s continuing investment into playgrounds for the sociopathic. It was once the norm, that if you ever had the misfortune to run into your stereotypical and dimwitted demagogue, you had the options of either walking away, or just willfully tuning them out as you enjoyed your bar-style nachos. But sadly, such is not the case any longer, nor has it been, for quite some time now.

To be fair, it would be relatively easy for myself to paint the fans of Trump, who’s currently representing America as our favorite go-to Fanta-tinted Fascist, as nothing more than an inbred cabal of cravenly, toothless, hateful howler monkeys, but this is most certainly not the case, and quite honestly, it’s also a lazy comparison to make, as well.

After all, even the densest of monkeys knows how to act when they’re around other monkeys outside of their barrel, and I see no need to unwarrantedly slur such fine creatures, by placing them in the same ideological realm as the abominably ignorant ones that constitute the cultural scourge that is Trumpism. To quote the old maxim; “Although it is true that not all Conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.”

Now, I understand that as a self-described Liberal, such an utterance could (and should) be regarded with a grain of salt, if not a pound, but I’m also fairly confident that not only could I easily prove my theorem with minimal effort, I could do so, using only the evidentiary proof that Conservatives hand out ever so graciously, as if it were tax breaks to the 1%. Or to be more accurate, the rationalizations they concoct to validate the necessity for Trump’s myriad assemblage of crimes, if not his well-documented unethical behavior.

Sigh. Sady, I’m aware that there’s at least one of my conservative fan-stalkers, sitting there all alone in his mom’s garage with only his cellphone and a microwaved Hot Pocket for company, bleating angrily; “What “Crimes” or “Ethical Lapses”, Artbitch?” so here’s the list, both proven, and alleged. Let’s start with lawsuits alleging Constitutional violations during his distractors term as President:

Cases involving the First Amendment: Knight First Amendment Institute v. Trump, CNN v. Trump, WeChat Users Alliance v. Trump, Cases involving the Fifth Amendment: Department of Homeland Security v. Regents of the University of California, as well as New York v. Trump and Vidal v. Nielsen. Case involving an alleged violation of the Fourteenth Amendment: Stone v. Trump. Cases alleged violations of the Foreign Emoluments Clause: CREW v. Trump, D.C. and Maryland v. Trump, Blumenthal v. Trump.

Then there are the lawsuits concerning his executive orders, presidential proclamations and memorandums: City and County of San Francisco v. Trump, City of Chelsea v. Trump, Aziz v. Trump Darweesh v. Trump, Doe v. Trump, Louhghalam v. Trump, Mohammed v. United States, Sarsour v. Trump, Washington v. Trump, Hawaii v. Trump, International Refugee Assistance Project v. Trump, Bhattarai v. Nielsen, Ramos v. Nielsen, East Bay Sanctuary Covenant v. Trump, TikTok v. Trump, Jane Doe v. Trump, Stone v. Trump, Karnoski v. Trump, and ending with, Stockman v. Trump.

And now, let’s address his lawsuits centering around his legal violations, as there’s the matter of his Grand Jury Subpoena regarding the Mueller Investigation, allegations of violating the Presidential Records Act of 1978, and the addition of CREW and National Security Archive v. Trump and EOP,

Not to mention, there’s also the alleged violations of the Federal Advisory Committee Act, leading to the cases’ ACLU v. Trump and Pence, Joyner v. Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity, NAACP v. Trump, to name just a few.

Disturbingly, this isn’t even anywhere near to being a complete list, as at the time of this writing, Trump is facing scores of legal challenges, targeting his business dealings, his finances, his taxes, his charity entanglements, and last, but certainly not least, the hubris-fueled misdeeds of his contemptible presidency, the J6 Insurrection attempt, and his alleged stealing (and possible sale) of classified documents, being at the top of this particular pile of pustulant transgression.

And keep in mind, that this list also omits the numerous alleged claims of slander and defamation, the fraudulent business practices that led to multiple bankruptcies and trump University, as well as the also numerous sexual assault cases that he’s been either keeping at arm’s length for several years, or settling out of court, using hush payments and air-tight NDA’s to keep them off the public’s radar, not that such as we’ve seen, matters to his Goosestep Wives fan club, to begin with.

And just how collectively far gone are these cultists, you query? Well, given all that I just noted, and taking into account what has been streaming non-stop via electronic media, I’d say this posting by one John Venturino Sr, of Scottsbluff, Nebraska, definitely sets the tone for what I’m about to discuss:

You heard it here first, boys and girls, unless of course, you’ve previously heard it repeated ad nauseam on OAN, Breitbart, FOX, and obviously by whatever serves as the screaming voices in Venturino’s otherwise empty head. January Sixth, which saw the Capitol overrun by insurrectionists attempting to overthrow democracy by attempting to stop the verifying of a valid election, was a “peaceful” protest.

All that stuff you saw on TV or Social Media live-stream, where people were attacking cops, chanting “Hang Mike Pence!”, and carrying the flags of Trump and the defeated Confederate states down the hallways of the UNITED STATES CAPITOL, was just window dressing set in motion by the agents of Antifa, BLM, or a legion of space aliens, who were clearly operating under the orders of the Deep State Illuminati, or even perhaps, a far more terrifying, and as yet undiscussed, cabal:

All of these BTW, are strong contenders for the title of the “Real Villains”, according to right-wing wackadoos like Venturino, but as its been a really busy week for me, I have truly no idea who the current crowd favorite is, although for my money, I really do hope it’s the Pentaverate, because as far as secret societies go, you just know that the one run by Canadians, would be by far, one of the nicest to hang out with.

But ol’ Johnny here, isn’t quite done just yet, showcasing his lack of grasp on reality, if not the intrigue of national politics, no siree Bob- he’s got quite the absence of hold as well, when it comes to just how he thinks that the finale of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago telenovela will play out:

A small detail I would like to call attention to here, if I may. If my initial background research into Venturino is correct, he’s currently 62 years old. Now, while I at 53 am no spring chicken myself, I hardly think that anyone under the age of 45, would see either one of us as a credible threat to their personal safety, and that’s with the full understanding of whether we were armed to the teeth, or not.

But mythical God love him, since no one of working intelligence will, Venturino will not allow himself to be dissuaded from this Right-Wing Red Dawn scenario that he’s crafted within his limited acumen, and as you might have expected, it all started with an enemy so dangerous to his sense of faux patriotism, he felt compelled to stand up and say “Not on my watch, you enemy domestic!”

So, you ask, whom is this most dangerous adversary that Venturino seems more than willing to put on camo and strap on ammo, to go up against? Well, probably not whom you expected:

Is it just me, and feel free to tell me if it is, but does it seem like the choices for Republican “enemies”, is getting less impressive as Time marches forward? I mean… they started off with the Anti-fascist and BLM, movements, and now, have found themselves reduced to complaining about cartoons (more on that in a bit) and sexagenarians with lung cancer.

Damn. How the mighty on their high horses, have fallen. And yet, we’re supposed to believe in their fever-dream that these mental midgets are going to “take back”: America, when they can’t even take a tasteless joke to start with?

As I noted, my newest BFF wrapped snugly in his ideologically delusional camo, truly feels an armed skirmish for America’s soul is on the way, which in and of itself, is kind of ironic, considering that he willingly sold his, to a mango-tinted Antichrist, quite some time ago. And I might add that he did so, for no profit whatsoever.

But that’s the way you can truly own the Libs, boys and girls, by sacrificing your principles for a red hat made in China, and the mercurial approval of the World’s Angriest Creamsicle. But this festering rot within Venturino’s character aside, he does possess the insight of just how this supposed Civil War, undertaken to protect the fascist whims of a mango Mussolini, will kick off, and just who will start it

My unfortunate misspelling of the word “people” aside, my retort highlights that while its been quite some time since I’ve owned a gun, or a number of guns for that matter, at no point do I ever recall the ammunition for said armaments, becoming independently sentient and taking the initiative to secure my overall safety.

And when it gets right down to the brass tacks of Venturino’s concept, I honestly do hope that nobody’s actually working diligently on developing that kind of technology either, because:

But Venturino, sad to say, isn’t alone in his cultish adherence to the thought of an impending Civil War between actual Americans, and the cravenly cesspool of failed Humanity that he and so many others of his paranoiac ilk represent, for just as a shark’s mouth has rows of replacement teeth ready to exchange themselves for those that have fallen or been knocked out, the Alt-Right has its own disposable assets as well.

And with that lead-in, let me introduce you now, to one Lance Klafeta, who is in tandem, a staunch conservative, a proud MAGAt, of Germanic descent, and at first glance, is seemingly, nuttier than a batch of my Oma’s classic Nussgebäck:

Klafeta, a resident of Albuquerque, NM, also just so happens to be, the President of the Edelweiss am Rio Grande German-American Club, also based in the same, and whose publicly stated objectives are [my paraphrasing] as follows; the promotion and maintenance of, (but not limited to) traditional German-American customs and events, to help its members to generate and maintain fellowship through group activities and Gemuetlicheit, which for the uninitiated, is “a state or feeling of warmth, friendliness, and good cheer”.

However, when you remember that you just read a social media post wherein Klafeta just called for the wholesale slaughter of legislators, his lauding of such, seems a tad bit disingenuous, to my ears, or if I want to stay on brand with my Teutonic theme, it’s “unaufrichtig”, at best.

The other announced goals of Klafeta’s Boys from Brazil support group include; “the advancement of good German-American relations, to form associations with other like-minded organizations, the encouragement of youth activities, and the sustaining of a clean and dignified atmosphere in all club activities.”

Now, I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I think we all remember what happened the last time a bunch of community-orientated Germans with similar ideas, all got together over a plate of Bratwurst and flagons of beer to discuss what could be accomplished with just the right amount of creative publicity, but I’ll digress for now, if only to flesh out my narrative regarding Klafeta’s political leanings, which to be fair, can be somewhat troubling:  

Yes, you did read that right- Donald J. Trump, serial adulterer, Sunday golfer, con-man, cravenly liar, alleged traitor, admitted predator of women, wisher of well upon pedophiles, whore-monger, and the guy who once autographed Bibles for Alabamans tornado survivors without the merest trace of self-referential irony, is “fighting” a Satanic global cabal, as the chosen Champion of Christ.

I know that God is rumored to work in “mysterious ways”, as evidenced by Ecclesiastes 11:5, which says;  “As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all”, but does that also imply, that he likes to also work in ways that are nothing less than retarded as well, too?

Because if so, anointing Trump to serve as your victor is an act of self-hating administrative creativity on par with whomever invented Shoe Umbrellas, as well as the corporate machination that is Mc Donald’s, green-lighting the development of the Frork.

And yes, not only should you Google both of those products when you get the chance, you need to do the same with the awesomeness that is the art of Chindōgu that obviously inspired all three of these unfortunate impositions upon the world. Just trust me on this, and I can assure you, that you will not be disappointed.

My flippancy notwithstanding, I, as a proud first-generation son of Germany, would normally be on board with my fellow Landsmann (as it were) in defending our new Vaterland, if not for the fact that our approach to doing so, differs somewhat. For instance, I believe in the democratic process, underpinned and fortified by both voting and legislative action, but my fellow Kraut in Arms, Klafeta here, has a slightly different take in regards to how America should handle its personal business:

Far be it from me to tell Klafeta how to go about his day, but I would suggest that if your culture has quite the bad reputation in relation to their previous attempts at cornering the market on enforced sleepaway camp franchises, the referencing of such, might just be considered a tad bit ill-advised by your promotional division.

Just saying. And as to the normally vile comment I scribed concerning Klafeta’s weight? Well, I can only offer the following justification, in my otherwise limited defense: 

This. Just this. With no due respect, am I supposed to believe without reservation, that this waddling pile of wackadoo Weißwürste, is a vital component within the Vanilla Vanguard of Militia-ocrity that’s intent on reclaiming America back from the dual ravaging scourges that are Logic and Humanity?

While I have no definitive knowledge of Klafeta’s abilities in regards to his interpersonal combat skillset, I’m also fairly confident, that the only way this land-based Orca could fatally injure someone, is if he accidentally tripped over his own two fat feet, and landed on them. 

If I ever found myself in a face to multiple chins confrontation with this Fettarsch, I’d be secure in the knowledge that all I need do to defeat him, would be to either climb a set of stairs, ask him to read the first page of a science book, or in a finishing move, throw a Family-sized salad at him. And I say this, as someone who is unabashedly, a HUGE fan of his selfie.

Just look at it. If you saw this jolliest of Bavarian bouncing balls coming towards you at Oktoberfest, not only would you take his recommendations for the best Vanillekipferln tent at face value, you’d happily don lederhosen, and join him on stage to dance the Schuhplattler, as well. Don’t lie. We all know you would, because so would we.

However, having the foreknowledge that our contrarian Aryan here, is seemingly excited by the notion of reopening the exit-less day spas of his heritage for enemies real and supposed, does tend to put quite the chill on that overall good vibe somewhat, does it not? But as it is with most of these lard-balls of lunacy, their inherent and ignorant destructiveness, goes far beyond just fantasies of violent ideological validation- there’s also the fantastical absurdity of how their New World Disorder should be administrated:

Before you start sniping, I do realize that this is a joke. Granted, its not a clever, intelligent, or even funny joke, but it does qualify as a joke nonetheless, despite its manufacture by a waddling cautionary tale regarding the ill-advised birthing of a land-whale that’s ostensibly into fascist cosplay. But for now, let’s set all of that to the side, so we can look at Sigmund Sauerkraut’s disturbingly vapid take on modern-day politics.

Obviously, Klafeta’s choice for President of Dunderworld, is going to be the currently disgraced boiled ham wearing a wig, Donald J. Trump, but who are the rest of the people in his nattering neighborhood, exactly?

To start, Marjorie Taylor Greene, is an American [in designation only] politician who has served as Georgia’s14th congressional district representative since 2021, and who also, just so happens to be a full-blown conspiracy theorist as well, espousing a wide range of maniacally insane conjectures, ranging from Jewish Space Lasers being utilized to start forest fires in America, to the infamous QAnon-inspired abomination, known as “Frazzledrip” , which started circulating among these insipids around May of 2018.

The conspiracy inanely proposes that Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin a former Clinton aide, were willingly videotaped participating in a Satanic blood sacrifice ritual, wherein the duo sexually assaulted a bound child, before surgically removing said child’s face, so that it could be worn as a mask. However, in a final plot twist, this insane as f**k Saw homage, goes one further, and alleges that Clinton then ordered that the police officer who found the footage, was to be assassinated, in order to keep the whole thing under metaphorical wraps.

Apparently, while Clinton’s hit squad did get the job done, her marketing team on the other hand, obviously dropped the ball, especially if the intellectually slack-hole that is MTG, was able to put two and two together without the help of her supervisory care aide. But ironically, since MTG did once call for current speaker Nancy Pelosi to be executed for imaginary “Treason”, I can see why Dieter the Dough-boy here, gave her the hypothetical job.

After all, slaying someone who is in your way of getting to the top, is a time-honored German tradition, I just always assumed it would be done by someone who didn’t have such a consistently strong track record of shooting themselves in the face.

Klafeta’s next dream pick for his fantasy fraudball league, is one Rand Paul, who is at this time, the junior U.S. senator from Kentucky. In office since 2011, Paul is the end result of what happens when the nefariously concocted plan of two first cousins’ intent on thwarting their family tree from ever having branches, is allowed to play out to its unnatural conclusion.

As you’ve come to expect, Paul is as ethically challenged as any other current GQP member, having been involved in an insider trading scandal involving his wife in 2021, the details of which, he did not disclose until close to a year and a half after the deadline to do so, had passed.

Paul is also infamous for his cavalier attitude during the initial stages of the COVID-19 crisis, where despite the obvious danger to others, and while he was still awaiting his later positive test results, he still attended group lunches with his contemporaries, used the Congressional-access elevators within the Capitol, held conferences in close contact with the Press, and continued to work out in the puzzlingly still-open Senate gym.

Add in his transparently staged showboating for the camera interactions with Dr. Anthony Fauci, the lauded physician-scientist and immunologist serving as the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, as well as being the Chief Medical Advisor to the President, and it’s fairly obvious where this odious ophthalmologist turned dimwitted demagogue, has placed his so-called priorities.

And did I mention that his former 2010 campaign manager, Jesse Benton, was once indicted in 2016 on multiple counts, including conspiracy to solicit and cause an illegal campaign contribution by a foreign national? Nope, you say?

Well, don’t worry your pretty little heads about it, as Trump pardoned him in December of 2020, and I’m 100% confident that Paul’s slavish deference to Trump, such as calling for the repeal of the Espionage Act, which could be used to prosecute Trump if he’s found guilty, wasn’t his way of paying him back, for doing so.

Sure, maybe he’s never made a big show of his opposition to it, despite voting against the measure that Trump signed into law in 2018, increasing penalties for absconding with classified material from a maximum of one year to five years, but that doesn’t mean anything, right? He probably just woke up one morning, just a few coincidental days after the Mar-a Lago raid, and thought to himself, as we all most certainly must have done at some point; “Gee, I think it’s really unfair to hold an ex-President accountable for committing an act of alleged Espionage”.

In fact, Paul, who as just noted, has never once shown any defined antagonism toward this vitally necessary law for the protection of our country’s most sensitive state secrets, found the situation at hand so infuriating, that he couldn’t stop himself from tweeting about it:Damn. That’s a strong (albeit hypocritical) stance, considering that I don’t recall seeing, hearing, or reading one dissenting opinion out of this sniveling grandstanding weasel’s camp, regarding the (according to his own words) “abuse” of this law to prosecute and eventually convict such persons as Thomas Drake, a former NSA official, who was prosecuted for interacting with a journalist for the Baltimore Sun, concerning the NSA’s Trailblazer project, an inland surveillance program.

I’m pretty sure that Shamai Leibowitz, who was an FBI translator at the time of his legal troubles, and who was penalized with 20 months in prison for sharing FBI wiretap intel with a blogger, would have appreciated Paul’s opinion regarding the EA, if only he had volunteered it, when appropriate. And let’s not overlook. Former CIA officer John Kiriakou, indicted for giving a reporter classified intel regarding not only the identity of a covert agent, but whom also revealed to the world entire, the CIA’s abominably inhuman use of waterboarding as a tool of interrogation.

Where was Paul and his faux outrage then?

And while his father Ron Paul, (a former U.S. rep for Texas) did express admiration for the actions of Bradley (now Chelsea) Manning, an Army private who provided a quarter-million classified documents to purported whistleblower website WikiLeaks, Rand himself, had a far different opinion, saying at a Caro University event in 2013, that:

“There do have to be laws to protect some secrets. I think if you’ve got the, you know, the plans on how to make a nuclear bomb that is a state secret. If you give that to the enemy, that is being treasonous. Even if you reveal it, you just have to have laws against that. What Manning did was just willy-nilly, just released millions of pages of things and I think some people have said there is potentially some harm from that. You know individual agents that could have been killed or put at risk from this. So there is a problem with that. So I just can’t support that.”

This past commentary however, is somewhat removed from what he alluded to, when asked about his current public stance regarding the EA, fresh on the heels of the M-A-L raid conducted by the FBI, which caught Trump small orange-handed, in illegal possession of classified documents. Transparently avoiding the albatross that is Trump’s act of alleged arrogant espionage, all Paul had to say was the following

“We have had people who have been whistleblowers- probably the most well-known whistleblower we’ve had is Edward Snowden.… He showed people that the American government was breaking the law, that they were retrieving all of our information. And so, for a long time, I thought the Espionage Act is something that could be used to stifle dissent and freedom of speech.”

As you may have surmised however, the issue with Trump’s illegal possession of classified documents, has nothing to do with the thorn-laden issue of Free Speech, and everything to do with the far easier to diagnose reality of alleged treason, so Paul’s reticence to answer the question directly, is both understandable, if not openly telling.

After all, what kind of cravenly lackey outside of the literary character known as Renfield, would willingly admit to being so? Paul is just another toady doing what he’s told, in exchange for the hope that one day, Trump will say nice things about him to Sean Hannity, and that’s it.

However, in relation to my dissection of our bloviating Bratwurst’s list of alleged luminaries, his next candidate, the former Marine Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller Jr., is a bit of a puzzler. For starters, Scheller’s only a “former” Marine, due to his very public act of calling for accountability from leadership, both military and political, as well as current and past, concerning conduct related to the pointless war in Afghanistan

Talking about his reservations, Scheller Jr, noted it as thus: “The reason so many people are upset on social media right now is not because the Marine on the battlefield let someone down, people are upset because their senior leaders let them down, and none of them are raising their hands and accepting accountability or saying, ‘We messed this up.’”

For taking this bold and dare I say, accurate stance, Scheller Jr. was jailed as a “flight risk”, an assessment he vehemently denies, and eventually court-martialed, receiving a general discharge under honorable conditions, the lowest allowed under the conditions of his plea deal, which in my opinion, was more to soothe the politically bruised egos of those in charge, rather than for any form of misconduct on Scheller Jr’s part.

So, with this one, no jokes no sarcasm. Instead, I will say thank you for your service and dedication to duty, sir. I’m just not sure how you got on the list, having a sense of personal integrity and all. My guess, is that Dieter the Bavarian dipstick here, misinterpreted your actions, and felt he should laud you for the wrong reason.

Semper Fi. Oorah.

But now, we come to the cherry-picked Candyass on top of Klafeta’s undercooked Gugelhupf, and it is a doozy, as you have already read: Kyle Rittenhouse, the acquitted murderer and wannabe militiaman, to serve as the Secretary of Defense.

Yes, it’s an obvious joke on Klafeta’s part, but it also isn’t. Kyle, ever so wittily monikered as “Kyle Cleaninghouse”, by the sociopaths that comprise the modern-day GQP, is best known for taking an AR-15 he should not have possessed, going to a city he had no connection to, and claiming that he was only there to provide “protection from rioters”, even though he had no training or legal authority to do so, as he was only 17 at the time.

What this overgrown man-child did accomplish however, was the cold-blooded murder of two protestors, and heinously blowing the arm off a third, before attempting to leave the scene of carnage that he had fomented, as if he had just finished a Happy Meal, and needed to get home and play with the toy he had just been gifted with.

And while he cried crocodile tears like a bitch on the stand during his sham of a trial…

… he had previously and quite openly, displayed a far less remorseful and somber attitude as he was galivanting about his hometown in public, after being unconscionably allowed the privilege of walking around on bail, seemingly without a care in the world:

Yup. That’s Klafeta’s favorite little murderer for the Alt-Wrong, posing for selfies, wearing a T-shirt that says “Free as Fuck”, and acting as if he had just won the state football championship single-handedly, which to his fellow sociopathic loser fan club, he just kind of had. See, for all their talk of “Law and Order”, today’s Conservative movement sees the equitable application of such, as wildly inconvenient for their agenda.

Case in point:

Yes indeed, no better way to showcase your infinite respect for law and order, than by attacking cops wholesale, pillaging a government institution engaged in certifying a valid election, threatening the people who work inside it with grave physical harm or even Death, and doing so, not based on some legitimate claim of political corruption, but because your mango man-crush, didn’t want to leave the position that he proved himself unworthy of holding, since his first day in office.

Now, while the sane still walking among us correctly call this an obvious attempted coup, the Alt-Wrong instead, chooses to refer to it as no more than a “peaceful protest”, and blames the resultant violence of their deliberate actions, on imaginary enemies, as a deflection from obsessively documented Realty.

Whether they wish to admit it or not, the GQP has become a Death-cult of the highest order, and regardless of the topic at hand being discussed, albeit immigration or abortion, their metaphorical streets are always stained crimson with the blood of their self-invented foes. Of which, there are seemingly many, according to the endless litanies put forth by these paranoid Mayonnaise Milkshakes.

So, Kyle here, is a natural fit for a dimwitted demographic that thinks it can overthrow the government using memes, the power of red Chinese-made hats, and a supply of dollar-store zip-ties.

I won’t speak for you of course, but if I were afraid of everyone and everything that I couldn’t condescend to understand, I doubt strongly that I’d be putting myself out there as a revolutionary for the working class, especially if my political support was placed squarely in the camp that goes out of its way to inflict the moist painful damage upon it.

Where there was once the chance of Centrism existing within the Conservative cabal, those days and that hope, are long gone, as Extremism rules the day, and the only way to succeed as a Republican candidate, is to embrace this demonic ideology with open arms, if not a corrupted soul.

Keep in mind, if you would, these jackasses are the very same people that think sending the undocumented to liberal cities, is somehow “owning the Libs”, when all it actually does, is once again prove that these Fascist f**kheads, are always on the wrong side of both history and humanity.

Oh no, Trumpers, you helped inadvertently, reaffirm that across the board, and on almost every level, that we’re far better people than you. I have no idea how we’ll ever overcome carrying the weight of a good and noble reputation based on personal decency and transparent morality.

But then again, as they did imbue a mentally-deranged future headline with influence both undeserved and untenable, maybe watching them implode as it dawns on them that they’ll never be more than a walking punchline to the intellectuals who will still rule over them, is something we should just sit back and enjoy in the end.

Because mythical Lord knows, if they put stock in the delusion that Kyle is going to be their Great White Hope, it’s going to be a far worse letdown than when they placed all their faith in a bigoted Oompa-Loompa, who unfortunately for their cause, turned out to be rabid as well.

As for Klafeta’s last asinine offering, that being “no one” should be the Secretary of Education, I can’t say that I’m all too surprised, as the current one, Dr. Miguel Cardona, is exactly the type of person Conservatives loathe: college educated, (natch) community orientated, highly respected, and (GASP!) Puerto Rican in heritage.

A former teacher, principal, and district administrator from Connecticut, Cardoza is regarded by his former colleagues for his adeptness at solving problems, rather than creating them, as his successor, the truly reviled Betsy DeVos, was apt to do. Given all that, it’s easy to see why a fan of Fascist cosplay, such as Klafeta seems to be, would want that particular position to remain unstaffed.

Multiple scientific studies have shown that when it comes to the level of one’s personal education, the more learned that you are, the higher the odds that you’re going to lean politically Liberal, and that’s what the majority of  the GQP leadership truly fears at the end of the day: smart people turning into well-informed voters with critical thinking skills.

Think about it. Imagine proudly being in a party that wants to ban the teaching of your own culture’s history, because it’s so terrible in its scope of monstrosity, that any attempted defense of it, would seem far worse. Not to mention, what political movement in this country is behind the majority of measures restricting the rights of its fellow citizens, so as long as they’re not straight White Christian men?

It sure as f**k, isn’t the one that wants to forgive $10K in student debt, and when compared to the one that instead, drafted a law (Texas SB-8) that allows private citizens to file a civil lawsuit against anyone who knowingly “aids or abets” an abortion, for the possibility of being awarded the same amount in supposed “damages”, the question of just who the good guys really are, truly isn’t that hard to figure out.

Add to that vehemently unconstitutional pile of Puritanism, the reality that Conservatives still go out of their way to ban and burn books in an age where such can be instantaneously downloaded to your phone, just goes to strengthen my inherent belief, that these totalitarian twats have absolutely no goddamn idea what f**king century they’re currently living in.

All jokes aside though, I do feel bad for Klafeta, somewhat. The melancholy he must feel being born far too late for an era when Brownshirts were all the fascism… oops, I meant to say “fashion”, but you get the idea. Regardless of my Freudian slip, it still must be one heck of a mental weight for him to carry, balanced against the physical mass he’s already dealing with

Nevertheless, I am curious what Klafeta might actually wear to a Trump rally, and whether or not he’d be able to find his chosen outfit in the “morbidly obsess stereotype” size so popular with that ilk. But I also have to ask if you might be thinking like I do, if he has no choice but to buy the basic tent kit, and do all the necessary alterations himself. A question for another time, methinks.

Now, I am aware that I’ve made more than a few none too subtle references to latent Nazism, seemingly based on nothing more Klafeta’s heritage, and intolerantly dense commentary, but as I tend to be a stickler for backing up my sarcasm, let me now explain just why I’ve done so.

And as the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words:

On the surface, this seems like a fairly innocuous picture, right? Just a jovially fat German guy, at some sort of formal-dress event, openly wearing, as his friend noted, a “Knight’s Cross with Oak Leaves”.

So, what, you say? Well, here’s what. For the record, a Knight’s Cross of the Iron Cross, or as it’s known in the German vernacular, a “Ritterkreuz des Eisernen Kreuzesand”, represents the highest awards given in the military and paramilitary forces that served Germany during the second World War… when it was governed by NAZIs. You know, the bad guys from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, and the go-to comic relief in almost every Mel Brooks comedy ever made?

Some background context: the last official presentation of the Knight’s Cross with its characteristic swastika placed within its center, was decreed to take place no later than 23:01 (11:01PM) Central European Time, on May 8th, 1945, due to Germany’s surrender to the Allied forces, although there was an instance of one being awarded as late as June 17th, 1945.

In 1957, a replacement Knight’s Cross of the Iron Cross, with an oak leaf cluster in lieu of the swastika, was solely designated for World War II KCIC recipients, after being greenlit by the Bundesrepublik Deutschland, and which is, I’m assuming, the variant that Klafeta is wearing, most likely in honorarium of a family member who is now deceased, or fell in service during the war.

And yes, while I am sadly aware that some of Germanic lineage wear the KCIC as a symbol of (non-militarized) nationalistic pride, it’s still a bad look, akin to waving a Confederate flag to show you’re from the Deep South, or displaying a “Trump 2024” flag in your front yard, in a failed attempt to dissuade your neighbors from thinking that your mother and sister are more than likely, the very same person.

To be clear, I am in no way, shape, or form, implying, inferring, or strongly suggesting, that Klafeta harbors any deep or respectful love for the NAZI ideology in general, despite his sporting one of its most recognizable icons, but to be fair, he does seem to display a fondness for utilizing some of its finer propaganda points as well, concerning his absurdist takes on this, our modern age.

I guess what they say is true after all; “You can take the junge out of the Sturmabteilung, but you can’t take the Sturmabteilung out of the junge.”

But I am confident about one thing, and it this- when it comes to the gift of being granted a working intellect, Klafeta was obviously standing in the wrong line during the time when it was being handed out, and nobody bothered to tell him.

And if you think that’s a tad harsh on my part, try this commentary on for size:

Damn. That’s a whole new level of stupid, is it not?

I get not wanting to accept reality. I get not wanting to accept a humiliating defeat. And I totally understand not wanting to accept potential irrelevancy. But as a proud descendent of Germany myself, I also understand that swearing open allegiance to a histrionic and cravenly man-child, with delusions of grandeur and a taste for creating scapegoats out of minorities, rarely works out well for us, as a rule.

Just saying, Lance.

Leaving our Bavarian bouncing ball of alleged bigotry behind, we now find ourselves standing on the metaphorical doorstep of one James Ray Spring, an Oklahoman and undeservedly proud MAGAt, who dispenses hateful rhetoric as if he were a PEZ dispenser sent straight from the bowels of Hell itself.

In a sense, pairing Spring with the machinations of Hell is just a tad bit ironic, because along with his slavish devotion to the mango-tinted bronzed calf that is Donald J Trump, Spring is also a self-declared Christian, as well. I say “self-declared”, because given his social, political, and spiritual point of view, no true person of faith would allow him anywhere near one of their church services, much less the deity he purportedly worships.

Why is this? For that, I must turn to the Good Book itself for the answer. From 1 John 4:20; “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” Spring not only openly hates his allegorical brothers, as well as their relations and offspring, but he’s also perfectly fine cherry-picking the Word to justify his spitefully applied misinterpretations of it, to boot.

In Spring’s world, he’s always the victim of godless heathenism, which wants nothing less than to render the very fabric of America itself asunder, and then, offer up the remnants of what was once a proud republic, to the dark and demonically inspired forces that machinated its demise.

You know. The usual stuff we all deal with, from time to time? Well, count yourself as lucky if it’s a random occurrence in your life, because for Spring, who obsesses over a wide spectrum of unconnected topics ranging from conspiracies to atheism, it’s a protracted battle with certified Reality almost every day:

Right from the start, I have some strong reservations about this post, as I highly doubt that there’s an organized consortium of American teenagers who openly support a treasonously dimwitted septuagenarian such as Trump is, and Spring’s inferred belief in what has come to be called “the Big Lie” in reference to the 2020 election, is just the inane icing on an overly flatulent cupcake.

Before I dive in to the disingenuous cesspool that substitutes for Spring’s undersupplied intellect, I want to share some details with you regarding what it takes to compose my acerbic assessments such as they are. The main key is deep dive research regarding who or what I’m going to be writing about, using the resources of social media, mass media, and even sometimes, direct conversations with those in the know.

And if I’m successful in my quest for verified info, I, and my chosen subject, wind up with an obsessively organized folder that looks somewhat like this:

This is how I do what I do: all of the data I collect, regardless of the final amount gathered, gets separated into its singular commonality, both for easier future retrieval and dissemination to my readership, and so that nothing gets disjointedly mixed up with anything else.  

For when you gain unfettered access to a hypocrisy-spewing cornucopia of sarcastic writer’s gold, such as Spring provides ever so consistently, you definitely need your inherent OCD to stay on point, for as you can see, the reservoir of ridiculousness, can top itself off rather easily:

In case you can’t tell, this screenshot is of the fodder marked “God’, in which Spring’s hypocritical observations are stored and catalogued. At the present time, (9/28/2022) it contains over 330 items, and if you recall, is only one of ten that I’ve assembled to house his asinine assertions.

In fact, Spring has sort of become by default, the male version of past Artbitch scratching post and fellow faux Christian, Ruth Darlene Seawolf, who may just face a serious challenger to retain her title of Queen of the Cafeteria Christians, despite being a featured subject within these pixilated pages, more than once. [Check the Artbitch Archive].

And why is that? Well, while Seawolf’s folder is divided up into the categories of God, (She’s a religious hypocrite) Health, (She’s an anti-maker) Social Issues, (She’s a closet Puritan) and politics, (Quite literally, one of the areas where she’s dumber than New Mexico dirt) it only contains 160 files in total

But Spring’s? Even when judged by my overly exacting standards, it’s still truly impressive:

Ten folders. Over 950 examples of Spring openly ranting about everything from imaginary voter fraud, to his disdain at the very existence of Transpeople. And all of it, foisted upon our society, by a hypocritical false lamb, using the odious masquerade of faith as a sanctimonious shield. Which, even as an avowed Atheist, I find morally reprehensible beyond the pale.

And keep in mind, if you will, that my culling his FB profile for inadvertent comedy, represents less than an hour of my time, spread throughout an average diurnal. Even at its most casual, just dropping in on his mental mendacity that he’s decided to devote himself to that day, makes doing so a breeze.

When it comes to ignorantly hateful bigotry and hypocrisy forming itself into a walking analog for a sentient urinal cake, I couldn’t have found a better example than Spring, unless I were to order a custom one out of a catalogue that caters to the manufacture of cravenly conservatives. But in relation to writing about him, where do I even start, as there’s just so much to work with? Truly, a daunting road lay ahead.

To that end, my sardonic sense of sarcasm is starting to get the idea that maybe, just maybe, I need to split James in twain. Metaphorically that is, and not literally, as the latter is illegal pretty much everywhere, even if you can somewhat defend why it was necessary to do so. No, in order to protect my developing story-arc, if not my sanity, I’d suggest that much like James himself, we focus on them in order of applied ignorance, over that of implied importance.

Therefore, I say that to start us off, we stick with what I initially opened up Spring’s tale with, that being the wonderfully paranoid world where his conspiracy theories are taken as gullible gospel:

I hate to say it, but this actually represents some progress whereas interaction with conservatives is concerned. It once was that everyone that they didn’t like, fell under the auspice of Godwin’s Law, which states that as an online discussion grows longer and more heated, (irrespective of topic or scope), finding oneself compared to either Nazis or Adolf Hitler will be an unavoidable eventuality.

Now, before you start reminding me that I just spent a few lines painting a Bavarian bigot as being associated with more than just a few aspects of Nazism, I’d offer the retort that I wasn’t the one who brought up “education camps”, espoused anti-immigrant views, or was pictured wearing the very symbol of NAZI military might, albeit one that was redesigned, due to its horrendous origin, so please get off my back, if you would.

However, like most fans of the classics, Spring isn’t above reaching into his personal way-back bag of non sequiturs, in a blatantly desperate attempt to deflect attention away from the obvious, especially when he’s confronted with a reality that he can’t defend against, using credible facts:

So, given this type of response to an event that is beyond debate as to what actually occurred, it stands to reason that since Spring’s party is rife with sexual deviants, his long-practiced gambit to slander all who oppose his ignorance, as being nothing less than an organized cabal of dedicated pedophiles, would be engaged fully.

But what’s the reality of this claim, targeting not only the expected politicos, but the numerous progressive corporations such as Disney, that’s eagerly promoted at the drop of a Chinese-made MAGA hat? In all honesty, when it comes to sex scandals, Dems are a randy little bunch to be sure, but so are the Repubs, and aver the last few years, the GQP has seen quite the uptake in sex scandals associated with pedophilia, while Dems on the other hand, seemingly can’t stop cheating on their wives.

In fact, when it comes to having been charged with, or convicted for, sexually-related offenses, ranging from child sex trafficking, to possession of child pornography, the GQP has definitely taken the lead.

Hypocritically, while they scream to the sky about the scourge of pedophilia rampantly occurring among their enemies, both real and imagined, they deliberately overlook the cancerous malevolence presently ensconced relatively safely within their own house.

To note, there have been no less than 11 of Trump’s political associates, going down for the aforementioned crimes above, and it’s a list that includes; Ruben Verastigui, Ronald Williams II, Adam Hageman, Caleb Bailey, George Nader, Ralph Shortey, Tim Nolan, Ben Gibson, Richard Ciccarella, and Anton Lazzaro, to name just a few,

And yet, when faced with these transparent examples of their own duplicitousness, the GQP’s communal base, whom Spring so perfectly represents, find themselves collectively unable to text, tweet, or post a single word about it. Weird, that.

Nevertheless, Spring has a lot to say when it comes to assumed sexual deviancy, such as he’s accused Disney of, and he isn’t afraid to share his opinions, no matter how homophobic, paranoiac, or batshit crazy, they may appear to be:

I have to admit, I did get something wrong here. The estimated box office take (at the time of this screed) for “Lightyear” was estimated to be 226.4M, but unfortunately, its budget was supposedly 200M, so if one has a basic understanding of net cost to profit, the movie while unique, was a flop. But not for the reason (a brief onscreen gay kiss) that Spring was gleefully fixating on, as seen in this additional posting of his:

If I may, let me correct a few major details in Spring’s wholly homophobic misinterpretation of actual reality, or in this case, his wackadoo preoccupation with an animated character. First, Disney did not get “rid of” Tim Allen, because this film’s Buzz Lightyear, is a totally distinctive departure from the “Toy Story” version we’ve known for over two and a half decades.

Irrespectively, taking elation in misfortune, seems to the main hobby of Conservatives these days, if only to push their false narrative that such depressive occurrences are due to the influence of “woke” culture, which as we all know by now, has the same effect on conservatives’ sense of self, as Kryptonite condoms have on Superman’s ability to confidently nail Wonder Woman.

The producer of “Lightyear” Galyn Susman, even clarified this potentially confusing issue for fans of the beloved franchise, stating in an interview, that; “People were having a hard enough time wrapping their heads around this. So really, we needed the toy in the ‘Toy Story’ universe to be its own thing. Tim Allen is Buzz Lightyear the toy. Chris Evans is Buzz Lightyear, the superhero from that movie that inspired the toy.”

Now for those of us whose brains actually still work the way they were designed to do, this explanation is more than sufficient, to elucidate quite literally, what the movie is all about. And due to it being an unexpected and far more serious take on what has become a revered POP culture icon, that’s where the fatal flaw lies, which has NOTHING to do with its inclusion of a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, gay kiss.

But whereas Spring is overly concerned, the failure for such, must be centered squarely on a chaste kiss between two married gay characters, because um… morals and stuff, I guess?

It’s enough to make you sick. Especially if you’re a f**king hateful faux Christian hypocrite like Spring, who it could be charitably debated, spends far too much of his personal free time thinking about unseen gay Sex between imaginary cartoon characters. You know, the way that most SEVENTY-THREE-YEAR-OLD ALLEGEDLY STRAIGHT, WHITE CHRISTIAN MALES, TEND TO DO?

Nothing to unpack there, kids. One hundred percent normal, no matter how you slice it. And the fact that both characters are gay women of color, played no part whatsoever in Spring’s decision to be offended by a move that he’s obviously never watched.  Oh yes… did I forget to mention that along with being an alleged Cafeteria Christian, Spring also likes to dabble in racism and misogyny as well? Oops. My bad.

It must have slipped my mind, what with all the other terrible flaws of his character that I’m going to be addressing within this two-part screed. My sincerest apologies all around, and I promise that I will circle back to these two topics before our time together is done. Pinky swear.

Unfortunately, Spring is not alone in his delusion that America is being besieged by a queer cabal, as there are many others who also truly believe (for infamous exposure anyway) that “Lightyear” was a planned set-up to not only indoctrinate America’s children into becoming fabulously glittered free-spirits, but was crafted specifically, to “target” America’s newest wannabe fascist, Florida governor and full-time Trump 2.0 cosplayer, Ron DeSantis, no less:

I have to tell you, whenever I find myself wondering what the failure of public education looks like, these two will serve as the poster children for it. Even at my current age, it never ceases to amaze me that people who can barely comprehend how to microwave a hot dog without the help of a picture diagram, can weave tales so outlandishly fantastic, that even the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard, gets jealous from time to time.

In the 50’s, Conservatives had the “Red Scare”. In the 60’s, they had “Hippie Hysteria”. In the 70’s, they openly feared the ”Independent Woman”. In the 80’s, it was all the rage to obsess over “Satanic Panic”. And now, not only do we have to deal with a brand-new mélange of all of those asinine fever-dreams, we have also ourselves infested neck-deep with a bumper crop of retooled bigots, who rather disturbingly, want to “Slay the Gay”, figuratively, if not literally.

And just how ridiculous and far-gone, is this Fear of a Fabulous Planet on their part, you ask?

I think this, answers that, rather succinctly, if not insanely. Jesus Fracking Christ, these mental midgets have a world entire full of real problems to pick, choose, and keeping to their brand, ignore from, and this manufactured mass hysteria, is the best one they’ve got to offer their slavishly stupid base?

On the upside, while this in and of itself is one of the dumbest things that has ever come out of the sewer that is Tucker Carlson’s mouth, it does serve as a perfect lead-in to his newest documentary special, which covers all of the topics that White male Conservatives like Spring, are openly concerned about:

And despite his advanced age, which in theory, should have granted Spring with some form of practical life experience, and despite “knowing” the teachings of his alleged savior Jesus, who at no point whatsoever in the Bible, references either homosexuality or his opinion regarding it, Spring, whose own personal life has never been impacted one iota in any way by the existence of the LGBTQ Community, still felt the need to (pardon my pun) set the record “straight”:

So, Jimmy, if people aren’t “born Gay”, and if Gender dysphoria isn’t a real thing as science has proven, then why have gay people been a part of the World’s edifying DNA since Time began without the insidious inspiration of gay-themed cartoons?  Oh, that’s right- it’s the influence of queer culture itself, on our ever so impressionable youth, that causes this abomination.to continue.

I guess it must have started with gay cave paintings, becoming supplemented by gay shadow puppetry, which then evolved into gay formal portraiture, followed by gay ad design, and then with the advent of modern-Gay animation, created the icon that took root in the minds-eye of the general public’s formative years, and led to a whole generation of vulnerable youth to question their inherent sexuality, at his behest,

Damn you to Hell, you wascaly, yet adorable, wabbit. However, given the fact that this animated sarcastic succubus of Satan has been plying his craft for over 80 years unchecked, it’s amazing that net all of us are really into show tunes, is it not?

If we as a society, aren’t careful, the next thing you know these Gays will be recording albums, making even more animated films, writing books, and starring in hit shows on all the streaming platfor… oh, crap. I think we’re too late to do anything about it.

Ok, my Rainbow Riders, you might have won this round, but rest assured, James Spring, the 73-year-old self-declared 100% straight Oklahoman who talks about gay stuff (A LOT) is on to you now, and he’s got a ton of anti-gay memes he just can’t wait to post.

Like this one, for example:

Now, without even asking, I’m sure ol’ Jimmy Ray here would tell you that “real” marriage is between a man and a woman, the way God intended. You remember God, the sociopathic deity who, in Spring’s meme it’s inferred, “doesn’t make mistakes”, and yet somehow, he overlooked the consequences of giving his creations Free Will, even though being omnipotent, he knew what was going to happen when he did so?

A debate for another time, I guess.

But let’s talk about how marriage is depicted within the Bible, the book from which Spring obviously pulls his justification for his assumed outrage regarding the legal awarding of it to the LGBTQ Community.

Does he gain inspiration from Kings 11:3, which details that, Solomon had “seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart”, because in the end, God was not cool with that at all, and it seems far worse, than two gay people who live each other, binding for life.

Or shall we talk of Abram from Genesis 16:1-6, who made a sex slave of an Egyptian girl named Hagar, who just so happened to be his wife’s slave, and then, after impregnating her, abandoned her to cruel fate?

As written: “Now Sarai Abram’s wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.

And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee.

But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.”

Yup… that’s definitely a healthy and “normal’ marriage taking place there. Truly, a testament to the two-gender system that seemingly defines Spring on so many different levels.

Or maybe, just maybe, Spring is a lot more open-minded than I’ve been giving him credit for, and swings to the left with the implications of Mark 12:19, which says;; “Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man’s brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother.”

Once again, that seems far more abominable than two gay people who love each other getting faithfully bound. Unless of course, you’ve always had the hots for your sister-in-law, and she for you, in which case- congratulations, and let me know where to send the toaster oven I’ll be buying you as a wedding gift.

Now, while the previous Biblical decree might seem bonkers, it pales in comparison to the edict of Deuteronomy 25:11-12, which honestly, and with all jokes aside, is one that I truly hope that Spring has never considered following even for a moment.

Verbatim: “When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.”

Yes, you did read that right. If you as a man, are getting your ass kicked, and your wife dares pull a “Crocodile Dundee” on your assailant in order to help you, make sure to cut off her hand after things have cooled down, just to remind her who’s boss.

So to recap Spring’s opinion; Gay marriage is far worse than having 700 wives and 300 concubines, forcing an unwillingly indentured servant to be your personal EZ Bake Baby Oven, and deliberately maiming your wife for having the audacity to try and keep you from suffering grievous physical harm.

If I found myself blessed with both the time and the hand-puppets, I would take a few minutes out of mocking my latest discovered hypoChrist here, and enlighten him on what marriage originally was- a business deal. In the so-called ancient times, women were offered as nothing more than a commodity, in order to strengthen either social position, or one’s economic standing.

The cruel reality was that in an era where women had no rights, and couldn’t hold titles or property either, marriage for the majority of women at least, was decisive in regards to their continuing existence and survival. But yes James… please tell us all how Gays losing half their autonomy from being in a dedicated relationship like the rest of us, will lead to the fall of Civilization, if you would be so kind.

Refreshingly, Spring’s willful ignorance isn’t just focused on gays alone, he’s also git quite the hate-on fir the transgender community as well, and as you’d expect, his knowledge of it is just as broad and solidified as his faithfulness in following the edicts of his sociopathically mercurial sky-daddy:

Let us pause for the briefest of moments here, to savor the unintentional ironic self-ownership of a man who demands that his invented deity be prevalent in all aspects of American life, from our public schools to our private health decisions, casting disparagement upon the practice of respectfully not using the “dead name” of a Transperson, because in his illiterate opinion, it’s akin to codifying a mental delusion based on the imaginary.

Take all the time you need to process this contradiction of logic, if only to let it resonate within you. But being arrogantly hateful, isn’t Spring’s only go-to schtick, as he’s also quite fond of crafting analogies from disparate topics, and then amalgamating them into a false narrative that’s not only intellectually weak AF, but if anything showcases just how far he’s willing to go to justify his own inability to willingly adapt to an ever-changing social dynamic, in general:

Sigh. It’s almost as if Walt Disney just before he died, ordered his cadre of Imagineers to build him a simple village idiot to serve as a background character for his animatronic Hall of Presidents, and in their collective grief, they decided to go one notch higher, and cement his legacy by fashioning the biggest jackass in History, instead:

Correction: the second biggest jackass in History, instead.

Although, I do have to give the Imagineer corps some serious props here, as not only did they get the artificiality of the man dead-bang, right down to the diseased ferret corpse living on top of his vacuous head, they also unerringly nailed the “nobody’s-ever-been-at-home” burnt-out light-bulbs that serve as his eyes, as well.

Kudos, guys. This is Nightmare Fuel, in its finest distillation.

Getting back on track, Spring’s hateful horse as usual, gets turned into glue sticks, long before it even gets out of his allegorical gate. Due largely to the reality that a 1970’s TV actor playing a 1950’s character, has as much relevance in highlighting the issues of today’s society, as “I love Lucy” would have in discussing gay marriage or the BDSM subculture.

Even more pathetically, it’s blatantly obvious that Spring, quite literally, can’t tell the wide-chasm differences between the two wildly dissimilar examples that he himself presented. First, Corporal (later Sergeant) Maxwell Q. Klinger, was a fictional character, who used the ruse of being a cross-dresser, to hopefully acquire a psychiatric discharge, also known as a Section Eight in order to avoid serving out the reminder of the Korean War.

To achieve this goal, this (once again) TOTALLY FICTIONAL character would consistently wear women’s clothing and stage public absurdities, to try and lend credence to his assertion that he was indeed, “crazy”. However, it was made quite clear from the character’s initial introduction that not only was Klinger sane, but heterosexual as well, because despite Spring’s comparison, cross-dressing is in no way, shape or form, an accurate indicator of sexual preferences.

As to the second image that Spring posted with all of the intellectual maturity granted a bigoted toddler, the persons depicted are Assistant Health Secretary Dr. Rachel Levine, and newly hired DOE employee Sam Brinton, who were photographed celebrating Bastille Day, at the French Ambassador’s residence. Personally, I wouldn’t have matched that kind of purse with that dress as Brinton did, as a clutch would have been far more socially appropriate, but other than that, I could care less about their dual wardrobes.

Regardless of self-chosen gender identity, what I care most about in regards to my governmental officials in general, is whether they can do the job required, or not. That’s it. Because honestly, that’s the only thing that matters.

And if they can, then who the hell cares? I don’t. And as far as I’m concerned, if they can also pull off looking damn fly in a cocktail dress as they do so, that’s just extra icing on the cake. Given my past history of wearing more leather and metal than you’d find in a San Francisco hardware store, being anything less than supportive of the personal fashion choices of others, would be hypocritical as f**k, and I am so not about that.

But for a hypocritical and wholly paranoid transphobe such as Spring, whose intellectual Slinky is perpetually tied in a knot, such proud representation, and in public, no less, is the very antithesis of what he considers to be a civilized and enlightened society. Newsflash, Jimmy Ray? Just because you don’t; like it, doesn’t mean that you have the right to cauterize it out of society.

If such were the case, I would, rest assure you, that Nickelback’s last eight albums never would have seen the light of day, and the master print of “Highlander Two”, would have been tossed into an active volcano long ago, along with its screenwriter and production team, just to make sure it, and they, could never hurt anyone again.

Nevertheless, maybe the real issue here, is that I’m misreading the lay of the land as it were, and perhaps, Spring isn’t the hateful, ignorant, hypo-christical morass of mental midgetry that I perceive him to be, and is, in fact, just an unfortunate victim of an as yet undiagnosed and uncontrollable all-gripping sense of Fear.

I’m sure that given my stereotypical doggedness, I could eventually unearth what It is that compels him to say (and out stock in) such preposterous pustulence, and by doing so, guide him down the path to becoming once again, a useful part of Humanity, rather than just another cautionary tale for the post-Trump era.

I’m sure that given my stereotypical doggedness, I could eventually unearth what It is that compels him to say (and out stock in) such preposterous pustulence, and by doing so, guide him down the path to becoming once again, a useful part of Humanity, rather than just another cautionary tale for the post-Trump era historians to come.

In fact, I do believe that my due diligence has paid off, allowing me to discover just why Spring is the way he is. It’s so simple, and yet, it was staring me in the face the whole time that I’ve been highlighting his abominably unintelligent point of view. As it turns out, Spring’s soul, as well as his alleged brain, have found themselves riddled with the mental disease that is:

It all makes sense now. Spring’s slack-jawed countenance and dead-eye stare into the foreboding distance, whenever Reality is proven, or even mentioned. His lack of critical thinking skills. The cultist behavioral patterns he engages in. And let’s not forget his incessant need to blame everyone save himself, for the self-created problems that he forged with his unrelenting attitude of personal dickishness towards others who have never harmed him, albeit directly, or not.

Factor in his willing acceptance of facing hardship, based on his unfounded assumption that it’s perfectly acceptable, so long as the people he despises are suffering just that much more. Normally, I would refer to this assemblage of character deficiencies as being those inherent to a sociopath, but that almost seems like an unjustified slur against innocent sociopaths when I do so, and mythical God knows, I don’t need that kind of heat in my life.

When the disingenuous dust that that these red-hatted Hatetriots so violently stirred up finally settles, it’ll be interesting to see who deflects their personal culpability for what they’ve said and done, and who will proudly own it, as if it were a fascist merit badge.

Granted, while I don’t know Spring at all, past his postings and insipid commentary, my guess is that when his judgement day before society finally arrives, he’ll be festooned with Trumpist flair, as if he were the fire sale at a MAGA retail outlet:

And once again, let us all not lose sight of the fact that these fine people, who adorn themselves with costumes absent of the excuse of either Halloween or a cosplay convention, and do so for the fleeting approval of a deceitful demagogue who wouldn’t condescend to piss on them if they were on fire in front of him, will remind you at the point of a gun backed up by zip-ties, that they are most definitely; NOT in a cult.

No siree Bob. Not brainwashed. Not indoctrinated. Not gullible sheep, walking amongst a like-minded woolly ball of wackiness. Independent thinkers, doing their own thing. One-hundred-percent fully functioning mature adults.

Well. That checks out.

When this wave of purely horrendous hatriotism started cresting a few years back, I was actually one of the few in my circle that remained optimistic about my fellow humans. At first. I honestly placed solid faith in the idea that over time, Trump’s numerous gaffes, corrupt actions, and treasonous deceit, would eventually grind his base of rabid supporters back into actual individuals as they once were known to be, and for some of them, that prediction has rung true.

But for far too many I fear, there is no coming back from their self-imposed brink, and Spring, I am certain, is unquestionably entrenched within that cretinous contingent. Irrespective of what Trump has done, ranging from adultery to outright treason, Spring, the cafeteria Christian will rationalize it away, or as is typical of his ilk, will just ignore it, outright.

And like most conservatives who bleat senselessly about not worshipping or listening to so-called “celebutards”, while actively doing just that, in concern to their dime-store-bronzed Count of Mostly Crisco, they can’t help but display their supplementary hypocrisy when it comes to seeking political counsel, either.

But take heart, as they’re only taking guidance from the sagest among them:

For those of you unfunnier with this Randy Quaid person, he was once a sought-after character actor, whose career sort of faded into the irrelevant ether, after it became wildly apparent that he had sadly indeed, gone full Trumpian potato. To refresh your memory, here he is, in one of his most iconic roles, that being the alcoholic crop duster and former military pilot, Russell T. Casse, from the 1996 Summer blockbuster, “Independence Day”:

Oops. My bad. That’s actually Quaid’s booking photo from 2010, when he was arrested for felony residential burglary and entering a noncommercial building without consent, Essentially Quaid and his wife Evi, were squatting illegally within a residence that they did not own. I am ever so sorry about that. But I did promise you a photo of his iconic and hilarious movie character, so here you are:

Well, damn it to heck, this isn’t the right picture at all, either.

Once again, I unthinkingly posted a booking photo of Quaid from 2015, except this one was taken in Canada, where Quaid and his wife had filed for refugee status, saying that they genuinely feared for their lives if they remained within the United States. And why was that you ask/ Well, it’s a doozy of a story, let me tell you.

The Quaid’s made this asinine assertion based on their unhinged belief that (and I am not making this up) they were being relentlessly pursued by a cabal of celebrity-killing murderers, that they referred to as “Hollywood star whackers”, who were accountable for the so-called “natural” deaths of actors Heath Ledger, who died of an accidental overdose, and David Carradine, who died from a case of autoerotic asphyxiation, which to say the very least, is not how you want to be remembered by your peers

Now, I do have a few questions to ask here, and they are this; first, why in the hell would Quaid be a target of such assassins, when it would be charitably obvious to say that at best, he was nothing more than a glorified second-banana in most of his films, and second; did they really think that an organized hit squad would somehow be deterred from carrying out their deadly assignment, due to the magic that is Canada?

Don’t get me wrong, Canada is fabulous, but I’d hardly declare it a safe-zone from the likes of a star-obsessed splinter branch of the Illuminati. That is, unless you’re willing to deploy the sheer carnage that is the combined forces of Celine Dion and Glass Tiger, whom despite their smash 1986 hit song, ironically titled Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone), you’ve probably long forgotten.

To be certain, I’m not insinuating that we shouldn’t protect our most-valued celebrities, I’m just suggesting that perhaps, we let sleeping French-Canadians lie, and by doing so, not have Hell rain down upon us.

The sheer absurdity of Quaid’s misapprehensions aside, can you just imagine the process required to put his name on such a list? In my mind’s eye, I’m seeing a scene lifted straight out of the 2015 James Bond film, “SPECTRE”:

Let me set the mood, if I may: the “Whackers” are all sitting at a long table, casually tossing out names for consideration as potential targets, basing their decisions on reasons ranging from George Clooney’s disastrous turn as Batman, (valid) to the annoyance that is Andy Dick in general, (more so) and without warning, one of them just for fun perhaps, tosses Quaid’s name into the proverbial hat for his involvement with 2002’ “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”.

I could easily buy that.

But just forget all that, as Spring has obviously done, and pay full attention to the crazy man pretending that his take on politics is both appreciated and relevant. To note, just in case Quaid and Spring haven’t received the news yet- Trump is NO LONGER THE PRESIDENT, and Mar-a-Lago is not now, never was, and never has been, the “southern/winter White House”, you absolute f**king loons.

What it currently is, according to law enforcement, draws valid comparison to how Master Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi once described the ethos of fictional Tatooine’s Mos Eisley spaceport:

Never thought I’d ever say this about Obi-Wan Kenobi, but damn… that Jedi could foreshadow like a motherf**ker when the moment was right. However, I’m getting kind of peckish just sitting here in the ol’ Lair of Snarkitude, and I most certainly, could go for a late-night bowl of Count Chocula topped with crushed Nutter Butter Cookies, so I think I’ll put an allegorical pin in this for now.

But i ain’t done dissecting and mocking the inanity of my newest scratching post, just yet. Not by a long shot. As it was once stated by the Joker in “The Dark Knight”:

Now, while I’m not seriously planning on doing “this” forever, or contemplating a physical act of violence, Spring’s consistent public displays of prideful bigotry, misogyny, racism, willful ignorance and sacrilegious hypocrisy, are just something I’m having too much fun writing about.

As its been noted, I don’t believe in God, or even Satan for that matter, but if I did, I’d have to thank one for sending me this gift of guileless density, and praise the other for giving him the ability to do so, with such undeserved confidence.

You’re free to decide who’s responsible for which, but I’ve already got my answer.

And when we come back… I showcase more of Spring’s truly dizzying intellect, poke holes in his paranoiac and erroneous social theorems, and wonder aloud, just what must have happened, to turn a zygote with a bright future ahead of him, into the kind of person that the Future likes to forget existed.


“The wicked envy and hate; it is their way of admiring.”- Victor Hugo.