Wayne Michael Reich

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Month: October 2019

You Put the Whine in the Coconate (And MAGA it all around)

“Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.” – Charlie Chaplin

Hello Blogiteers!

What’s new in your world these days? In mine, there’s a few things of note- I just received some snazzy custom-made orthopedic sneakers with a bespoke insert designed to be of assistance towards both my balance and mobility, and they feel pretty great, albeit slightly weird, overall. On a related aside, I now totally get why rich people imprison cobblers within their basements, let me tell you. Unfortunately, after months of learning how to walk a certain way in regards to my partial amputation, I now find myself having to reboot (no pun intended) and readjust my current walking gait to this new normal all over again. Cross-pollinate the Pepe LePew galloping of Captain Jack Sparrow with the swagger of the Demon Crawley from Good Omens, and you’ll have the correct representation in mind of how I’m currently ambling along.

Along with the new kicks, I’m also currently twiddling my thumbs in Limbos waiting room, attempting to quell all the medical insurance bureaucracies associated with my insulin pump approval, and this, more than anything else, is really the main irritant chafing my metaphorical chili pepper the wrong way as of late. Well that, and the fact that said rooms’ magazines are several years old. Unless “Alf” the TV show is still a thing, and I’m pretty sure it’s not.

As a rule, there is nothing I loathe more on this planet than dealing with the scripted inanity of the headset wearing sub-class that lounges within beige cubicles, and thinks: “That’s where I can make a difference.” If that’s ever your thought process, please do the Future (and all of us) a favor, and go skinny-dipping in a swimming pool chock-full of blood and Piranhas, because you have clearly, and spectacularly, failed at Life. And that includes both the game and the cereal. One of the puzzling quirks about dealing with the industries interrelated with the profession of medicine is how inept their processes are- it’s almost as if they’ve been purposely designed to be as frustrating as possible. In my case, it seems like the undercurrent of idiocy never stops in having to correct the flow of misinformation regarding my name, social security number, medications, and snack-cake preferences.

So, after a false start of almost three months, several blood tests, and a handful of phone calls interacting with customer service representatives so dense that they could be utilized to form containment walls inside nuclear reactors, I may be on the road to finally getting the tech that might allow me a semblance of what passes for a normal life again.

But enough about my medical consternations. Nobody really, including myself, is that interested in a personal story so drawn out and boring that it could be a limited series produced by the BBC. What should I talk about then? Well, I’m pretty sure I could spend weeks, if not months, writing about the imbecilic, incompetent, corrupt, and vacantly vulgar pumpkin husk that currently masquerades as our noble country’s “leader”, but I digress, because it’s been done to death already, and there’s only so many showers involving bleach that I could take, before I’d decide to just end it all by gorging on Halloween Peeps and Pringles. But before I find myself facing that personal precipice of sugar and salt eye to eye, I’d like to call attention to a psychological quirk known as the *Dunning Kruger Effect.
*[In the field of psychology, the Dunning–Kruger effect is referred to as a cognitive bias, in which people mistakenly assess their known ability as greater than it actually is. It is related to the cognitive bias of deceptive dominance and comes from the inability of people to recognize their lack of ability. Without the self-awareness of the known, people cannot objectively evaluate their competence or incompetence, hence the reason why I still believe I look really good naked. Oh, who am I kidding? I do.]

So as you may have guessed, today’s blog topic is going to be about one of my favorite online time-killing amusements, that being an insight regarding the insidious aesthetic of the modern primitive- that’s right, I’ll be waxing most poetic about the deplorably moronic hive-mind that constitutes the Cult of the Red Hat, AKA the slavishly idiotic fan base of America’s most prominent, yet sadly not only, wannabe fascist that has been openly referred to as the following: Donald Drumpf, Cheeto Jesus, the Mango Mussolini, the Tangerine-Tinted Trash-Can Fire, Cadet Bone Spurs, the Winning Whiner, Adolf Twitler, a Screaming Carrot Demon, the Man-Baby from Mar-A-Lago, Two Pump Trump, Genghis Can’t, a Sack of Gilded Lunchmeat, the Angry Creamsicle, a boiled ham wearing a wig, Stuporman, a decomposing jack o’lantern, Creep Throat, Fuckface von Clownstick, the narcissistic human airhorn, the orange manatee, Prez Oompa-Loompa, and my personal favorite, The Fanta Fascist.

And while I could provide hours of mirth throwing witticisms about in respect to his lack of intellect, his inability to express either empathy or sympathy, or his uniquely bizarre fetish for weirdly exaggerating the size of his tiny hands, or as noted by the esteemed and highly professional wedding-tackle examiner Stormy Daniels, his sex-shroom, I’m going to take a pass. It’ll be much more fun to mine the unintended comedy fields his *Schwarm Idioten directly provide.
*[Yes, it’s German. Feel free to do the Google if necessary.]

Whether it’s mindlessly chanting “Lock her Up” about a current politically irrelevant female rival at Trump’s Nurembergesque rallies, or wearing American flag T-shirts and hats that are Chinese-made, and emblazoned with a KKK derived slogan that America currently sucks, the Trump collective presents as having more in common with a hoard of armless Zombies attempting to build IKEA furniture, than any form of an intellectually sophisticated political movement to date. Sure, there are many parallels that one could draw between them and the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei, AKA: the National Socialist German Workers’ Party (NSDAP for short) which is what the NAZI regime fermented out of, but that’s a topic to dissect at another time, lest we be here all day.

Now to be clear, I’m no starry-eyed optimist, nor have I ever been- even as a kid, I truly understood that being educated didn’t necessarily mean you were smart where and when it counted, nor did it mean you were non-replaceable, either. I’ve always believed that there is a sizeable portion of my fellow citizens that are more than happy to allow their pride in being willfully ignorant to fuel their misinformed world view, where the distilling of one’s outward racism, misogyny, homophobia, and mind-numbing gullibility, contributes to the Dunning Kruger Effect that I referenced above. No matter who you are, you’re going to have prejudices, whether it involves food or people- that’s just the unique nature of our monkey-brains, and it’s as inevitable as knowing full well that minus the first one, all the subsequent Highlander movies that followed are just God-awful.

Don’t believe me? Just sit through the “Renegade” cut of Highlander 2, and you’ll want to binge watch the Star Wars prequels on permanent loop mode just to get the taste out of your skull. But I digress. When I was growing up in my suburban 70’s neighborhood, all of these human flaws were just as pronounced as they are today, but in my POV, without the advent of the Internet, they were also isolated to their respective home territories. The poison could spread, but it took time for it to disseminate widely, if it was allowed to extend it’s reach in the first place. Such attitudes and opinions were kept in check by social mores, albeit to a limited degree. They were discreetly masked, and only candidly revealed when one’s personal comfort zone and like-minded company managed to line up.

By way of example, I heard plenty of diatribes in private from my Father and Grandfather regarding how the [insert ignorant slur here] were “ruining the neighborhood, if not the country“, but not once did I witness them issue such abominably asinine utterances within the general public. They wouldn’t have dared, immediate social consequences and all that.

But with the relative anonymity of the internet, if they were given the chance to go online and vent in this day and age…? I’m not so sure if they’d still stay the path, I must painfully admit. I’ve often noted in my previous scrawling, that the Internet presents as a complex, if not multiple edged, and dangerous sword- on one hand, the ability to broaden the depth of one’s intellectual knowledge, make crucial connections, and be both entertained and inspired, is debatably understated in comparison to what are regarded as the prior definitive achievements of Humanity. Nevertheless, the downside of this global access is just as strong, and way more virulent.

The estimated speed of data sent worldwide via the Web, *can (without interference) reach speeds of up to 300 000 km/s, or for us Americans, 186,400 miles per second, which means in the time it takes you to blink once, the data can travel around the globe seven times. This factoid is awesome if said data concerns bettering human nature, but not so much if it’s contaminated with bias and paranoid conspiracies that target a race, culture, or orientation for no other reason than to spread divisiveness and ignorance as a means for the intellectually weak to bolster one’s own fragile sense of place within the world. And if you take into account the misguided followers who will without question, swallow and immediately repost this inanity, you can see why keeping a lid on this carnage carnival is damn near nigh impossible.

In the bygone pre-Web era, the cranks, the paranoids, the racists, and the like had to settle for being the guy on the corner, the guy in the bar, or the guy at work everybody avoided like the plague- they were annoying, but essentially harmless, unless they managed to coalesce into a hateful amoeboid mass, such as a KKK rally, or your stereotypical children’s beauty pageant. And no, I’m not reworking this analogy, as stage moms are the absolute worst. Seriously. Nobody gives a damn that you were “1995’s Mrs. Cornstalk” Karen, we just want you to stop making your four year old up to look like a hooker. Sadly, we now find ourselves hopelessly encapsulated within a nonstop 24/7 news flow infested with disingenuous trolls who attempt to hijack, sidetrack, debunk, or neutralize fact-based information before the populace can ingest or make sense of it.

By way of example, why is it in this day and age that I have to remind my fellow Americans that: vaccines are safe, there is no Muslim cabal being run out of Obama’s house nor is he the Antichrist, drinking bleach and eating Tide Pods is bad for you, the Earth is not flat, windmills do not cause cancer, there were no Muslims dancing in American streets during the events of 9-11, which on a related note, was also not an inside job or controlled demolition, and no- Donald Trump wasn’t “helping out” either. In addition, the Apollo moon landing was not faked, Paul is not dead, Richard Gere was never internally involved with a gerbil, Sandy Hook and Newtown were not false flag operations, nobody controls the weather, or is turning frogs gay, and while there are no aliens at Area 51, I’m definitely sure they make up a good chunk of New York’s population at any given point, especially where their street vendors are concerned.

Noted sci-fi writer Isaac Asimov once stated: “There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” There has never been at any time in my life that I can recall where this opinion has rung more true than now, and once again, I’d point an accusatory finger at the World Wide Web for summoning the Americanized version of the Chinese demon *Táowù.
*[Táowù: is considered as a demon of ignorance in Chinese mythology, and is responsible for sowing confusion and apathy, making mortals free of the curiosity and reason needed to reach enlightenment. In essence, he’s a mythological Koch brother.]

What keeps our Táowù fed however, is the consistent torrent of fabrication we’ve allowed to take root and not only spread, but thrive, within the DNA of our free press since the FCC [AKA: the Federal Communications Commission] abolished the Fairness Doctrine in 1987. The Fairness Doctrine, structured upon two critical elements, mandated that broadcasters devote a portion of their airtime to discussing matters of public interest, and to air contrasting views regarding those issues. Stations were given a rather free form of liberty as to how those differencing views could be provided, stereotypically addressing them via news segments, public affairs shows, or editorials.

The doctrine itself however, did not explicitly require that equal time for opposing views be provided, only that contrasting viewpoints be presented. The termination of this rule has been put forth by more than a few political pundits as one of the main catalysts for the expansion of personality driven cable news outlets, such as FOX and others of it’s ilk, where the emphasis and focus centers on promoting a specific agenda or point of view, versus a commitment to fact-driven journalism. And in one of the more striking examples of Right-Wing journalistic hypocrisy…

Sean Hannity, stating that water-boarding wasn’t a form of torture, an assertion he made during his show on April 22, 2009, where his guest Charles Grodin asked him that if he didn’t believe in the fact that water-boarding was torture, would he himself agree to be water-boarded? His response: “Sure” Hannity said. “I’ll do it for charity. I’ll let you do it. I’ll do it for the troops’ families.” But ten years later, FOX’s human analog of an Easter Island Moai, has yet to backup his own words, mainly due to the fact he’s a smarmy, cravenly liar who knows that due to how much he’s despised, that if he promoted said water-boarding as a pay-per-view program, it would be the highest rated and most profitable live-streamed event in broadcast history. Nonetheless, my interest isn’t really centered on the droning interchangeable right-wing bobble-heads that disseminate paranoiac racism as if they were handing out free samples at a Klan rally- no, I’m way more intrigued by who accepts their bloviating bile as gospel, that being the Cult of the Red Hat, AKA: Trumpers, Trumpkins, Trumpists, Trumpanzees, and let’s not forget the always fun moniker of Trumplethinskins.

I’ve never met a more overly sensitive, if not downright angry, group of “winners” in my entire life- offended by everything from coffee cups to razor blades, these people contain more whine than Donald Trump when he’s forced to face the free press. But why is this so? After all, they now have their orange tinted champion in the seat of power, shouldn’t that be enough? Apparently, it’s not. And I’ll try to break down the reasons as to why this insular group who struts around with such unfounded confidence in regards to their own intellect and sense of patriotism, is also the most thin-skinned, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, if not sociopathic and downright toxic, human clusterf**k you’ll ever sadly meet.

This opinion by the way, holds up even if you put it up against the one-wang-Willamina-from-Wichita fanbase of Twilight, hands down. And on a related note, Go Team Jacob, because 101 year old vampires aren’t supposed to be creeping on teenage girls, and they sure as hell aren’t supposed to f**king sparkle, either. A small aside to the fans of this moronic morass of treacle- there is nothing sexy about getting your monkey on with a room temperature blood-sucking corpse, that’s why Ann Coulter is not only single, but also allegedly banned from using Tinder. Just saying. And speaking of tepid temperature corpses, the only reason anyone should date Tomi Lahren is because she can chill a beer just by holding it near her heart.

Heart in this analogy, being used more as a geographical reference point, rather than describing an actual functioning organ, for sake of clarity. But let’s not dawdle from the task at hand, that being the process of breaking down the foundational rivets that hold a Trump supporters’ fragile world together.

The Wrath of Con.
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” -Mark Twain

To kick it all off, we’ll start with the main motivating factor in their cultish devotion to a narcissistic demagogue, a righteous, albeit wholly baseless belief that not only have they been done wrong, but that they have every right to inflict their sense of Wrath on the ones they think are the cause. Hence the rise in the twisted sagacity we’ve witnessed directed at women, minorities, non-white immigrants, the LGBTQ community, as well as the infirm and homeless. If there is one unifying aspect that truly fuels the paranoid fantasies of your average Trumpist, it would be a sense of anger- pure, undiluted, and somewhat to a large degree, self-scourging, anger. This rage, while having obvious feet of clay, is also the main element as to why en masse, this faction represents a clear and volatile danger to this country and it’s solidly democratic process.  No matter how a topic is approached, any debate regarding it always seems to set these “winners” off, especially if it concerns the application of logic or inclusion.

To harvest a conduit for additional giggles and inadvertent comedy, let’s not forget their string of failures in regards to boycotting companies who have refused to get in line with their warped sense of American values. Most of their asinine fury is misdirected at corporations that either promote diversity, equality, women’s rights, anti-gun initiatives, or are openly anti-fascist. This focused ire covers a wide swath, from entertainment to cheap pancakes. This unintentionally hilarious register of so-called Anti-American offenders, to which I refer, is only covered in a small sampling here, because if I listed everyone they despise, we’d miss the next phase of the Marvel Universe, and I for one, am not going to be tardy for the upcoming Black Falcon & Winter Soldier movie.  Go, Team Bucky.

So, who’s on this honored list? Well…

Amazon, Whole Foods, HSN, Wegmans, Perfumania, Macy’s, Apple, Bloomingdale’s, Pepsi, Starbucks, Anheuser-Busch, Nike, Nabisco, Ben & Jerry’s, the NFL, Ford, AT &T, Burger King, the Star Wars movies, the play “Hamilton”, Keurig, Walmart, Netflix, Gillette, Nordstrom, Univision, CNN, HBO, Uber, Lyft, Kellog’s, 23 and Me, AirBnB, Audi, Bank of America, Bed Bath and Beyond, Best Buy, YouTube, United Airlines, TJ Maxx, Sports Illustrated, Samsung, Pizza Hut, Microsoft, FaceBook, IHOP, Heineken, Grubhub, Disney, Converse, Brawny, and [I am not making this up] the game known as Cards Against Humanity.

To be fair, I’m going to try and not make too broad a judgment here, but it seems that your average Red Hat cultist has not only sort of shot themselves in the foot, but put a few slugs in their brain as well, in relation to their mediocre attempt to force or bully these multinational companies into some form of groveling and submissive ignorance. For instance, when these simpletons decided to “take Nike down”, they did so by filming themselves burning or throwing away their already purchased merchandise- which obviously, was a display of pure genius on their part. After all, there’s no better way to stick it to a corporation than by destroying products you ALREADY PAID FOR. Sure, they could have donated those items to charity like the good Christians that most of them claim to be, but setting things on fire is way more mature and politically productive, am I right?

This tactic by the way, was so devastatingly effective that not only did Nike’s stock price go up 33% after the conservative backlash was announced, but it caused the morass of granite-brained deplorables to publicly switch their fair-weather allegiance to Converse, a company owned by, wait for it… NIKE. When these guys collectively boycott, they have the same success rate as I did trying to sleep with my co-worker Elizabeth back in the 90’s,  and I had the advantage of possessing both a motorcycle and amazing abs. Whenever you need a good laugh, go to *YouTube and just enjoy the idiocy of watching fully grown adults handle their issues in the manner of people who are forced to wear a padded helmet around their home.

I’ll admit it. I’m a simple guy. I like the simple things in life. A good zombie movie every now and then, a plate of chilled Ding Dongs, and a decent green chili bacon cheeseburger with a side of pizza rolls is all that I really require to remain happy, but watching these imbeciles on self-shot video bragging about destroying several hundred dollars worth of product  they’ll need to replace almost immediately, is literally divine comedy at it’s finest. At this rate, they’ll run out of places to shop, eat, hang out at, and in general, acquire the things they need. But on the upside, it would mean we’d see less of those stupid hats in public, so I guess there is some sugar to go with the acid, after all. But back to the original point I started off on- their anger. I would think that these winners, as they like to present themselves as, would be wholly euphoric 24/7- after all, they finally have someone in high office just as blatantly vulgar, uninformed, and odious as they are, so why aren’t they in a state of perpetual Zen?

Easy answer. Their so-called “victory” came with no glorification or inherent respect. After years of political irrelevance, mocked beliefs, and the unfaltering steeliness of society’s social repugnance, they thought that finally, they’d be able to come out from under their bridges and metaphorical rocks, and bask in the limelight that they’d been rightfully denied for so long. But it hasn’t worked out that way, and notwithstanding the final election results, their values do not represent the greatness or promise of this country. No matter the pretense to the contrary, they’re painfully aware of this reality, and this is a key factor in why they lash out. If you have doubt, just refer to their deliberate attacks on the Free Press in this country- any journalistic effort that accurately reports on the actions, words, and willful ignorance of their Tangerine Turncoat is swiftly, and maliciously tarred and feathered as “fake news” concocted by the “lame-stream media” in an obviously transparent attempt to deflect attention away from the failure of their movement and it’s leaders to garner even the most begrudgingly tepid admiration.

Shockingly, non-sociopaths don’t react well to racism, misogyny, jingoism, xenophobia, ageism, elitism, narcissism, homophobia, arrogance, fraud, corruption, and deceit.

Weird, that.

But all of these abominable traits are what helps underpin a Trumpists uninformed, if not outright mistrustful, world view. They also are the deciding characteristic as to why when cornered in a debate by somebody using empirical data, Trumpanzees immediately fall back to using slurs, deflection, and threats of violence as a last resort in a wretched attempt at gaining or maintaining the upper hand. First appearing on the internet around 2008, and wrongly attributed to Socrates, the quote “When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.” is the first thing that springs to mind, describing the methodology in which said Trumptwits use in debates, typically falling short of whatever goal they had in mind. Along those lines, I also have a few more debating tips for the Cult of Personality Disorder, that being the following, which I hope in the future, allows them to appear smarter than they actually are.

First, calling someone who already identifies as a Liberal a “Liberal”, is NOT an insult- it just reinforces the truth that we’re on average, a far better person than you. Second, using the terms “snowflake”, “libtard”, “soyboy”, “cuck”, “Demonrat”, or the like, shows that not only are you a less than mentally threatening opponent to begin with, the odds are also pretty good we could distract you with a set of particularly shiny keys and a box of bubble wrap. Third, learn what the various schools of political thought are before you attempt to slur someone as a Socialist/Communist/Flaming Kitten Juggler- in the long run, you will thank me for this, as will your immediate relatives, who for the last couple of years. have had to listen to you drunkenly mash them up at every holiday dinner. All they wanted was you to pass the salt Uncle Ted, not get into a superfluous debate about how you feel immigrants both legal and otherwise, are lazy parasitic slackers “gaming the system”, right after destroying Venezuela, but just before they stole your job, which no matter how you slice it, is still one heck of a trick.

But let’s not forget the additional qualities that set the intellectual geniuses of Dante’s Fifth Circle apart from people who’s souls actually work, the first being a remarkable ability to weather the most horrendous things cast upon them, as long they believe that the people they look down upon as inferior are suffering far worse than they are. The fantasy tax cuts and trade tariffs, by way of example. And therein lies the understated, yet highly disturbing concern: what will happen when an incensed herd of the unthinking, is faced with not only having their core beliefs attacked, but also publically disproven as well, if their Tang-colored leader is kicked out of office. whether that’ll be by the electoral process or impeachment? What bad could possibly come from that? What might be the worst outcome of an enraged hive-mind being forced back into the ichors from which they slithered forth?

Nothing but Nazi unicorns and self-hating rainbows, I’m willing to bet. Well that… and amateur militias who’ve been waiting years to cosplay Tour of Duty. For real, that is.

Praise the Lard!
“Many cults start off with high ideals that get corrupted by leaders or their board of advisors who become power-hungry and dominate and control members’ lives. No group with high ideals starts off as a ‘cult’; they become one when their errant ways are exposed.”- Philip Zimbardo

Another highly visible and vocal demographic within the basket of deplorable dimwits, is the puzzlingly large number of Trump followers who, while claiming to be true Christians, worship this fake-bronze demagogue. In my opinion, it just hammers home the intrinsic hypocrisy of both he and modern religion in general. Sure, I’ve always enjoyed the “KWIC’s” [Keyboard Warriors In Christ] that you tend to encounter within the various forums on the web, whether those threads involve politics or not. I once encountered a quorum of these Bronze Age Book Club poltroons, in a place you might not think of, that being a recipe discussion group… seriously. While trying to track down a substitute for butter, I had to endure an extended harangue about how Trump was not only a “role model for good Christian values” but an “excellent example of ethics in business” as well.

Dude… I’m just trying to make my double-fudge-nut cookies healthier and lighter- I didn’t come here for this.

even knowing that in their duplicitous hearts they’re just trying to rekindle my loving relationship with their petty if not utterly sociopathic God, I’m also pretty certain that isn’t going to happen anytime soon just because of their muttered death threats directed at me, which from an agnostics’ POV, doesn’t really come off as the path someone who follows an all knowing, all seeing, loving God should walk. Just my two cents. To hazard an assumption, I’m also certain given their proclivity for interpreting the Word as if they were *Janus with a severe case of dyslexia, that Christ wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire, which is ironic, considering that’s where most of them are headed, for perverting the lessons they were expected to follow and more importantly- learn, in the first place.
*[In ancient Roman religion and myth, Janus is the god of beginnings, gates, transitions, time, duality, doorways, passages, and endings. He is usually depicted as having two faces, since he looks to the future and to the past. It’s sort of how Trump fans say they want America to be great again, yet call you un-American and tell you to leave the country if you point out America’s obvious issues.]

By way of comparative and conservative hypocrisy, let’s put the wandering appetites of Bill Clinton up against the vulgar proclivities of our current Liar-In-Chief, who unlike the smooth hillbilly from Arkansas, brags incessantly about what an amazing ladies man he  is. This is obviously the reason why he had to pay 130K for two minutes of sex, of which, a minute and 52 seconds was just him taking off his sexy jumpsuit. Good luck getting that visual out of your Occipital Lobe boys and girls, without bleaching your brain. In that, I wish you the best of providence in your attempt to do so.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me, I was severely disappointed in what Clinton did, and how he tried to make it go away. The man’s lack of moral character pisses me off to this day, and I always found his lying about it to be painfully embarrassing. But here’s the caveat- whereas then the ever so righteous “Party of Family Values” was more than happy to gut Bill like a fish for his inability to keep both his libido and spawn-hammer in check, they’re equally reticent these days to publically call out Trump’s rampant misogyny and hostile vulgarity towards women, nor will they address the multiple and credible sexual assault accusations that are withstanding against him. Most people would call that hypocrisy, but according to the hollow White Chocolate Easter Rabbits who support him, it’s no more than “a private issue”, and is a topic that should be left unmolested- a weird stance from the party who’s male members keep getting busted for child pornography and hookups with underage male prostitutes in seedy hotels.

Given the number of reprehensible rapists and pedophiles within their ranks, who would have guessed that they’d shelter, if not vaunt, a sexual deviant? That being other than anyone who’s intellect still works? And don’t even get me started on how many blind eyes they’ve turned in regards to his stoking the fires of implied violence, starting with his racist speeches and false claims, up to abandoning and throwing our Kurdish allies into the blades of slaughter, while also simultaneously renting our military to Saudi Arabia, his known business partners and the fine folks who brought you 9-11.

The silent complicity of the current GOP says it all, I think.

But maybe I’m wrong here- after all, wouldn’t our Lord and Savior, (AKA: Jesus) forgive a lost sheep who lusts after his own daughter, who bragged about purposefully walking in on nude underage beauty contestants, who allegedly raped a child with deceased and possibly murdered pedophile Jeffery Epstein, and is also a husband who committed serial adultery, and has made a career out of being a con-man who lies, commits fraud, and bears false witness when he’s caught with his freakishly tiny hands in the cookie jar?

Normally, I’d say “yes”, being a good recovering Catholic and all that, but I seriously doubt Trump will be able to con his way through the true Golden Arches when he finally strokes out on top of his last Big Mac, or most likely, his next underage Russian hooker.

If anything, I picture Jesus and Saint Peter leaning up against a post giggling, waiting for Trump to arrive, and telling him he can come in, but only if he can name one other person in the Bible first. The beauty of this scenario is not only can’t he, but he also fails Jesus’s double or nothing offer to recite a single verse of the Word, and has no idea what any of Christ’s teachings are in the first place. And when you take into account how many times he’s shattered or routinely ignored the 1st, 3rd, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th Commandments as if they were his wife and kids, [looking at you, Eric and Tiffany] you can just imagine how happy Jesus will be to kick his corpulent ass into the Lake of Fire, where it bursts into flame as if it were a bag of pork rinds getting deep-fried at the Texas State Fair…  sigh, an agnostic can dream.

Speaking of hollow as a chocolate Easter Bunny Evangelicals, and adding to this pile of pitiful piousness is the fact that the almost certain closet case and current albino VP Mike Pence, once wrote in regards to Clinton: “If you and I fall into bad moral habits, we can harm our families, our employers and our friends. The President of the United States can incinerate the planet. Seriously, the very idea that we ought to have at or less than the same moral demands placed on the Chief Executive that we place on our next door neighbor is ludicrous and dangerous.

Throughout our history, we have seen the presidency as the repository of all of our highest hopes and ideals and values. To demand less is to do an injustice to the blood that bought our freedoms.”

Well, this past opinion is kind of awkward, because when asked about Trump’s affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels, Pence referred to the allegations as “baseless”, despite the at the time known and incontrovertible evidence, and has in essence, refused to comment on the issue or his hypocrisy regarding it, since. Now that could be because he’s perfectly comfortable being duplicitous, or it just might be because Mother doesn’t allow him to talk about other men’s sex lives, for fear he’ll wind up at a Motel 6 with a rough trick named Chaz… again.

Either/or. Roll the dice.

But that seems to be an intractable cornerstone in relation to the Cult of the Red Hat- the mass ability to overlook every detestable character flaw that if it were anyone else, would have resulted in an exodus of support not seen since Van Halen fired David Lee Roth. And if you’re looking for additional unintended comedy, I refer back to the complicit pretense of faux concern I noted earlier. The GOP tripped all over themselves trying to tar and feather Bill Clinton for his multiple sessions of mouth congress, but when it comes to the Orange Fanta F**kup and his well-documented history of racist tirades, asinine slurs, lies, obstruction, ignorance, fraud, incompetence, sexual predation, and outright treason, it’s as if every Republican is currently a hardcore member of a *Mummenschanz cover band.
*[Mummenschanz is a Swiss masked theater troupe who perform in a surreal style, which is usually augmented with stage props, so overall, it’s really not too far off what the GOP likes to do when called out for it’s consistent inability to do the right thing.]

It would be exceedingly easy to write-off these acts of deliberate collaboration to either a desire for the accruement of even more power, or perhaps the furthering of long-held, but deeply hidden personal convictions, but I think this overview is a tad bit inaccurate in the long run. I’ve never attached myself to a flaming train-wreck of destiny, but when one does, is it wiser to exit the car and suffer possible grievous damage, or just hang on for dear life and hope the inferno snuffs itself out somewhere further down the line? For most GOP sycophants, I can only assume they’re taking the latter choice, praying that in the end, they’ll be able to salvage whatever shreds of their personal dignity and/or political capitol they may have left. But at what cost? After all, fame and power are fleeting at best, and a bad reputation tends to broadcast your past transgressions in a manner very much akin to how your ex talks about you- sure, you may have both shared a lot of good times, but do you really want total strangers knowing about your fondness for dressing up as Spongebob Squarepants and playing “Naughty Squidward”? I think not.

Going forward, this would still come off as a minor embarrassment when compared to having the allegorical yoke of treason hung around your neck, as many of these so-called persons of faith will face when this reality TV abomination has finally run it’s carnivorous course. So, in the end, when one tallies up the goals achieved, what will these modern-day disciples of Judas gain other than a vile legacy of grift, deceit, personal cowardice, and complicity? Prison sentences, hopefully. Long ones. And waiting at the end of that mortal penance, will be their God, who strikes me as an entity who’s quite the stickler when it comes to rules that he/she/it set, and even given the concept of divine forgiveness, the Proverbs 6:16-19 are pretty clear as to where the line on the cloud is in relation to staying on the good side of the Supreme Judge.

To quote: “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” The fact there’s a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic when our toil on the coil is done, and if God does indeed exist, these faux Christians will find themselves residing in an over-priced condo development located on the shores of Lake Gehenna.

Reality. What a concept.
“Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it.” – Thomas Paine

Along with unfounded anger and the religious zealotry I’ve noted, another keystone in the foundation of the Red Hat Cult is the pride they espouse in being disdainful of reality- it’s equally the most hilarious and terrifying quality they possess. People who, no matter the evidence presented to them, happily and willingly swallow every faketoid that mirrors their erroneous beliefs as if it were free candy This behavior, which mirrors the *”beetle men” of George Orwell’s magnum opus 1984, is at best, nothing short of sociopathic, and at worst- exceedingly hazardous to a unified society.

1984 described the not too dissimilar and just as ardent followers of the fictional despot Big Brother as such: “For the moment he had shut his ears to the remoter noises and was listening to the stuff that streamed out of the telescreen. It appeared that there had even been demonstrations to thank Big Brother for raising the chocolate ration to twenty grammes a week.

 And only yesterday, he reflected, it had been announced that the ration was to be reduced to twenty grammes a week. Was it possible that they could swallow that, after only twenty-four hours? Yes, they swallowed it. Parsons swallowed it easily, with the stupidity of an animal. The eyeless creature at the other table swallowed it fanatically, passionately, with a furious desire to track down, denounce, and vaporize anyone who should suggest that last week the ration had been thirty grammes.

Syme, too- in some more complex way, involving doublethink, Syme swallowed it. Was he, then, alone in the possession of a memory?”

At the moment of this scrawling, our Traitor in Chief decided to host yet another one of his lunacy-filled press conference, this right after having his miniscule semen demon handed to him on a paper plate by Nancy Pelosi, wherein he tried to defend the selling of our Kurdish allies out, our abandoning of an base to Russia, while Turkey seized several of our nuclear weapons and as scores of ISIS prisoners escaped- all of which I’m certain, won’t come back to bite us in the ass.

Some additional highlights from this latest flaming train-wreck of merde, courtesy of the self-styled stable genius who possesses the best words, the biggest brain, and unmatched wisdom:

On the Allies we just screwed: “We have a lot of great people over there we’ll see. In the meantime, our soldiers are not in harm’s way, as they shouldn’t be, as two countries fight over land. That has nothing to do with us. The Kurds are much safer right now, but the Kurds know how to fight. As I said, they’re not angels, they’re not angels. If you take a look, you have to go back and take a look, but they fought with us. We paid a lot of money for them to fight with us and that’s okay. They did well when they fought with us. They didn’t do so well when they didn’t fight with us.”

Regarding the escape of ISIS militants: “We have them captured. The United States captured them. Some were released just for effect, to make us look a little bit like, “Oh gee, we got to get right back in there.” You have a lot of countries over there that have power, and that hate ISIS very much. As much as we do. I think we’re in a very strategically good position. I know the fake news doesn’t make it look that way, but we’ve removed all of our, as we said, 50 soldiers, but much less than 50 soldiers. They’re now in a very, very safe location, heading into an even safer location.”

Pushing his standard conspiracy mantra: “I think people, I know nothing about it in terms of the report. I’m waiting for the report like everybody else, but I predict you will see things that you don’t even believe, the level of corruption. Whether it’s Comey, whether it’s Strzok and his lover, Page, whether it’s so many other people; McCabe, whether it’s president Obama himself. Let’s see whether or not it’s President Obama. Let’s see whether or not they put that in. Wait a minute. Let’s see whether or not.”

More fantasy braggadocio: “Here’s the problem. I think we’re going to take the House based on what’s happening with the impeachment stuff. The Republicans can do the same thing in reverse if they ever have, and I hope it’s going to be a long time because nobody’s done a better job with the economy, with our military. Whether I’ve rebuilt the military, our economy is the best that’s ever been. We have numbers that just came out where, not including taxes, the median household income for the average American has increased $5,000 in a very short time since I’ve been President. Nobody’s ever heard of numbers like that.”

“This administration has created the strongest economy in the history of our country. We have the greatest stock market. We had over a hundred times, we broke the record for stock market. If you look at people’s stocks, their 401ks. If you look at anything you want to look at, they’re far better off now than they probably ever have been in this country. Record stock markets. Don’t forget, stock market’s not just rich people, it’s all people. All people own in the stock markets. New York stock exchange, all of them. They’re at record highs. Nobody’s ever done what we’ve done.”

Regarding his abominable attempt at an ambush photo-op with the British parents whose son was killed by an American diplomats wife: “My meeting with the family was really… it was beautiful in a certain way. They did not want to meet with the person in question, but we had a very good meeting. They’re very nice people. We met with the full group. It was four people, actually. You know how it’s all broken up, and the meeting took place right here at about six o’clock last night. It was very sad, to be honest. She lost,, and they lost their son. I believe it was going down the wrong way because that happens in Europe. You go to Europe and the roads are opposite, and it’s very tough. If you’re from the United States, you do make that decision to make a right turn where you’re supposed to make a left turn.”

And the capper: “The United States and Italy are bound together by a shared cultural and political heritage dating back thousands of years to Ancient Rome.”

By all offered evidence thus far, the case could be strongly made that I am a mercenary realist. I understand that from time to time, one’s brain likes to take an unannounced, if not unforeseen, siesta. But Jesus F’ing Christ, at least when it happens to most of us, we try to unhitch our mouths from the runaway train first. Normally, most presidents have these people in place known as “advisors” who serve as walking repositories of wisdom, tact, and guidance, all of which is utilized to focus, if not control, an administrations course of policy implementation. But the mangozee who’s currently failing at being our leader on a level never before seen, eschews this vital resource, believing that, and I quote: “My gut tells me more sometimes than anybody’s brain can ever tell me.”

Given the size of said gut, he’d make Tesla look like Jenny McCarthy if it actually served as a working brain, but sadly, it being comprised mostly of stale Big Macs, greasy quarter Pounders, lukewarm Diet Cokes, burnt cheap steaks, and a spiritual hollowness that only comes from the knowledge that your parents, wife, and children never loved you, it fails to impress anyone, save the maker of industrial-sized Spanks.

Sure, it can be argued that not every president has the aptitude to become a future long-term member of MENSA, but even the worst that has come before had the ability to at least act like a reasonably intelligent, if not socially civilized, mammal a majority of the time. I could spend my life entire cataloguing the amount of concocted flotsam this blathering buffoon has put forth as Gospel, but why would I do that, when I can sum up his character by quoting a friend of mine who once opined that: “this universally inadequate fuckhead, this avatar of insecurity and a selfishness so thorough it’s likely he’s only brought a partner to orgasm by signing divorce papers, expressed a desire to nuke *HURRICANES.*

On that basis alone, not to mention his asserting that the Emoluents Clause in our beloved Constitution is “phony”, the necessity for not only impeachment, but for his corpulence being launched out of a trebuchet, should be obvious to all. And while he’s bad enough alone, he’s really no more than the side effect of the long-developing uneducated mass that licks his every footstep. Need some definitive proof of this assertion of mine? Well, how about we enjoy a small sampling of the “true stories” that these useful idiots of the right-wing have taken to heart, such as:

Pizzagate. The FBI, CIA, and the Justice department are part of the Clinton/Obama Deep State. Immigrant caravans are attacking America. The Seth Rich “assassination”. The “war” on Christmas and more urgently, Christian white males, The frequency of late-term abortion and it’s funding sources. Pretty much anything regarding the Obamas. How Trumps’ fantasy wall is not only necessary, but how Mexico will pay for it. How Hillary Clinton keeps murdering people and sold Uranium illegally, Big cities have Muslim controlled no-go zones for cops, and are under Sharia Law. Institutionalized racism is a hoax. The LGBTQ community are lusting after your kids in bathrooms. Gang violence is rampant. Every single undocumented alien is stealing your job, and is also on welfare at the same time, which is an amazing feat, no matter how you look at it.

Hired “crisis actors” are staging mass shootings to serve as false flags in an attempt to seize your guns. Healthcare isn’t a human right. Hate crimes are a hoax, World-wide climate change is a hoax, created by the Chinese. Women are wholly at fault for their being sexually assaulted. Schools and product advertising are indoctrinating your children in the Dark Arts of liberalism. Established science is a socialist plot. And despite Trump being in the midst of, and surrounded by, corruption- he’s essentially an honest patriot who’s being set up for failure.

And my personal favorite…  Jesus is as White as a bottle of Bayer Aspirin floating on a sea of milk.

Silly me, I must have skipped over that chapter in the Bible that describes the ancient gated community of Bethlehem where all the Jewish snowbird WASPs hung out. And it’s not just a simple rebuke of preferring a few petite conspiracy theories over established reality, it’s a comprehensive swallowing of a rancid elephant not only whole, but sideways, to boot. Even when the proof comes from right-wing outlets, Trump himself, or a thousand other sources that are undeniable, these slobbering simpletons refuse to accept what’s right in front of them in exchange for a metaphorical hand job that empties their wallets and devours what remains of their souls. The answer commonly presented as to why this is holds that his base is no more than an amalgamation of inbreeds, dullards, and racists, and while this theory does hold some Diet Coke, it’s just not that simple a conclusion. I know plenty of otherwise rational human beings who’ve willingly signed over their pride, patriotism, and principles hoping to be part of the studio audience for this reality show from Hell, all on the thinner than paper certainty that finally at long last, they’re “winning”.

Now, what they’re winning is debatable at best, but it does seem to be fueled by what I’ve already covered- a volatile cocktail of misplaced anger, cultism, and fear. It has to be a heady experience for people who’ve always felt marginalized due to the unpopularity of their views, to be able to truly express themselves openly for once. After all, when the leader of the free world says the things you’ve always wanted to say in public and suffers no actual consequences of note for it, how far would it pave the path for you and others of your ilk to move forward with your plans of desired vengeance?

To quote Voltaire: “Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.”

Given how the vile rhetoric being spewed by these mouth breathers is continually being ratcheted up, is it too much of a stretch to believe that it’s only a matter of time before one or several of these play-time patriots decides to try and impress their Moscow Mushroom with acts of targeted violence against the very same people that he has deemed as enemies? Let’s tick off some boxes in regards to their hypocrisy- they’re Pro-Life, but seem to have absolutely no problems with immigrant children dying in captivity or others living in extreme poverty. They believe in Free Speech, but want the Free Press silenced from criticizing their false idol. They’re American Nationalists, but are okay with their President being not only Putin’s puppet, but also having no knowledge or respect for the Constitution. They’re Pro-Military, unless it comes to taking care of our Veterans. They’ll obsess over the myth of “Black on Black” crime, but ignore the reality whites are just as equally culpable in regards to their own demographic.

I literally could go on for days, but I don’t have enough alcohol and Ding Dongs to do so.

There are three points of view in the Church of the Self- how strangers see us, how our intimate relationships see us, and how we see ourselves. If we’re lucky, these all line up, minus a few millimeters here and there, but it typically doesn’t go that way, especially if we’re forced to look at the big picture with any modicum of honesty. The Red Hat brigade however, doesn’t benefit from this in-built safety valve however- in their minds, not only are they winners, they’re also simultaneously victims, patriots, and the only holders of the “truth”, no matter what the actual realty is. As noted earlier, I can frankly say that I’ve never met so many angry winners in my life, nor have I ever experienced a group of true patriots who resent American values as much as these capitalist cuckolds do.

And as far as their being the lone arbitrators where Truth is concerned, all I can say is this… Wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Sorry, just needed to really get that out of my system before my pancreas up and exploded on me. I like overestimating my importance just as much as the next guy, but even I know that when Chris Evans walks in the room, no one’s going to give a damn about my Captain America impression, no matter how good I look posing with the shield. For people who endlessly mock others for being “woke”, they sure do spend an inordinate amount of time going out of their way to prove their inherent ignorance beyond any shadows of doubt. To have the intellectual flexibility that demands that you gleefully accept a vulgar, adulterous, narcissistic, elitist, racist, misogynistic, mentally obese carnival barker as your paragon of all that is trustworthy, is truly, no pun intended, a case study for future psychologists to dissect, and for Benecio del Toro to make film trilogies out of.

So far, and happily caught on videotape, which his disciples of density refuse to watch, their moronic messiah has incessantly bragged that “nobody knows more than me” in regards to the following subjects:

Taxes, personal income, construction, campaign finance, drones, technology, healthcare, infrastructure, the H-1B, the H-2B, ISIS, the other side of the picture(?), comprehension, environmental impact statements, Facebook, renewables, polls, the courts, steel workers, golf, banks, economics, trade, nuclear weapons, tax law, lawsuits, offense and defense, devaluation, money, the system, cybersecurity, contributions, the military, politicians, the fair-haired boy (?), debt, the game, the internet, capturing ISIS, and the word “apprentice”.

And yet… he can’t close an umbrella, see a limousine parked right in front of him, buy a suit that fits, read a prepared statement without reeling into lunacy, obey marriage vows, stand and breathe like a normal human being, or have spank-me sex without cutting a check afterwards. Real stable genius at work here, boys and girls, let me tell you. But when it comes to his Pavlovian flock of simplistic sheep, there may be a need for the creation of a new term, as “ill-informed” seems far too genteel a description. No matter what issue you’re debating with a Red Hat contrarian, inevitably you will come to the point where using facts and reality will be met with the same resistance that exists every time somebody asks Batman and Superman about family get-togethers.

I often joke that my week is not truly complete unless I’ve received at least two death threats and been called the following: anti-American, transgender, a libtard, a soy-boy, a cuck, a snowflake, a faggot, a Russian Bot who for some strange reason is anti-Trump, or a pussy, and that I politically lean towards socialism, communism, or Nazism, which is ironic, considering it’s usually actual NAZIs saying that to me in the first place. As an aside, I’m pretty sure calling a NAZI a NAZI is what got me banned from Twitter for life in the first place- a badge that I proudly wear with both honor and humor. Especially when you discover that Twitter is loath to let it’s anti-racism algorithm run unimpeded, due to the fact it would red-flag most pro-GOP accounts.

Think about that for a minute- when your custom-tailored program cannot distinguish between NAZIs and Republican politicos, you’ve got a much bigger problem on your hands than an incel influx of Proud Boys. In the last few years of excavating the sediment that constitutes the World Wide Web, I’ve seen the usual racism, homophobia, misogyny, and density of intellect that pervades the conversation attempting to be had by actual adults, but also the fallout from these, the most repulsive of our society’s firebrands. I still maintain that if memes and fake news were not a real thing to be accessed, two-thirds of Trumps fans would have no form in which to undertake communication, unhinged as theirs tends to be. But I tend to just roll with it, using both sarcasm and humor. These are two constructs MAGAts don’t understand, which is why it always confuses and enrages them. But I do try to include them in the unintended comedy they willingly provide, because at heart, I’m a people person.

For instance, if somebody who looks like this,

posts a retort like this to something I’ve said,

I’ll usually post something like this in return.

Just so that they can giggle just as hard as I did when I discovered the similarities by comparison. In the last week alone, I’ve been told that the FOX network who as of late, are now criticizing Trump, is being run by a cabal of liberals, that Trump and Turkey are working as one to undermine the Russians, and that, sigh… the ISIS prisoners who escaped are actually now on our side, and are going to help America fight terrorists. Surprisingly, this noxious Black Widow fan-fiction fantasy is still not the densest thing I’ve heard recently. That honor goes to yet another public appearance wherein our Dumbass Dictator of Dementia stated during his speech at the Shale Insight Conference in Pittsburgh, and I once again painfully quote:

“And we’re building a wall on the border of New Mexico. And we’re building a wall in Colorado. We’re building a beautiful wall. A big one that really works — that you can’t get over, you can’t get under, and we’re building a wall in Texas. And we’re not building a wall in Kansas but they get the benefit of the walls that we just mentioned. And Louisiana’s incredible.”

Sigh…. and yes, as you may have guessed, his idiotic base not only accepted this word salad of insanity, they actually clapped for it as well. Per standard procedure, he’s now claiming it was “a joke”, but have you ever heard of anybody who consistently tells so many non-obvious witticisms that their representatives have to come out anywhere from several hours to several days later and explain that the person they work for was attempting humor? I didn’t think so, but then again, I’ve never been a fan of the Andy Kaufman approach to comedy. I particularly like his claim that you can’t get over or under one of his walls, when he’s been shown to be totally incapable at keeping his marital affairs, his crimes, his treason, and the purported size of his clam-hammer leaking intoour invasive 24/7 news cycle, but yeah… you’re not getting past anything he designed.

After all, he knows more about construction than anyone else, remember? But when it comes to geography, obviously not so much, if at all. To our nations credit, the official responses in regards to his most recent of inanities were filled with swift wit, if not outright savage shade. Governor Jared Polis of Colorado slapped back hard on Twitter with this gem: “Well this is awkward …Colorado doesn’t border Mexico. Good thing Colorado now offers free full day kindergarten so our kids can learn basic geography.”

State Rep Diana DeGette, referencing Trump’s multiple past promises that he would make Mexico pay all the costs associated with a border wall, queried on Twitter: “Is NEW Mexico going to pay for it?”

Speaking as a citizen of New Mexico, I’m here to tell you that, no… we won’t. I am so sorry about this, but we’re up to our necks in unforeseen debt, since we recently invested all of our free money into green chile futures. We, unlike our presidunce, seemingly at least have our priorities straight. But his followers, much like lemmings, will still follow him off the cliff, even at the cost of their reputations, livelihoods, and family ties, if not the valid risk of possible imprisonment. For all their talk about “the intolerant Left” , the only people I see on a regular basis being prosecuted and going to jail for threats, assault, and domestic terrorism are those following the Trump doctrine of ignorant posturing.

Their newest attempt to force the conversation in the direction they’d like, is the threat of a “Civil War” if Trump is impeached, or jailed for his public crimes and treason spree. That’s right, people who swear that they love both this country and its underlying principles, are proclaiming that they are willing to take up arms and rise against it if the Constitution is used as it was designed to be. No sense of rational discord there, am I correct? To be fair, if these human pizza rolls wage “war” as well as they debate, insult, or boycott, we’re all going to be fine in the end, I assure you.

To serve as our Litmus test of what not to do, let’s observe the genius of the hopefully soon to be unemployed veteran MLB umpire Rob Drake, who posted and then quickly deleted, this deplorable Tweet in regards to the ongoing impeachment hearings facing the so-called President Donald Trump:

“I will be buying an AR-15 tomorrow, because if you impeach MY PRESIDENT this way, YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER CIVAL WAR!!! MAGA2020″

And no, that’s not a deliberate misspelling on my part, that’s the actual verbiage straight from the horse’s ass who took his own reputation and future, and put two slugs behind it’s ear, as it simultaneously fell forward into an open wood chipper. This in effect, almost comes off as a mercy killing of sorts, if his spelling is any indicator of his lack of intrinsic intellect. On a note that is not too surprising these days, Drake is also a co-founder of Calling for Christ, a ministry whose demographic is specifically umpires, whether they are working in the Major or Minor Leagues. So in between a busy week of loving and pimping Jesus as if he were soap, praying on his knees, and flogging his Bible, he devotes part of his time contemplating killing his fellow Americans who just won’t let his orange oracle continue to perpetrate crimes.

Yeah… that sounds about White, doesn’t it? There’s an old joke that says that all umpires are blind, but I wasn’t aware they could possibly be mentally ill as well. I guess when you spend all that time wearing a too tight mask and a chest protector, it’s only a matter of time before you start hallucinating that you’re a noble in Trump’s 14K gilded plastic sword version of the Templar Knights. Currently, I find myself around 10 thousand words (plus) in to this, my current scrawling about the world that’s around me, and despite the fact I have material at my feet that I could mine for days, I’m feeling the need to wrap it up, sooner than later. And to that end, I’ll cap it all off with a personal story of online civil discourse, via a lovely and highly intellectual MAGAt from Chicago, who goes by the name of Frank Coconate.

Frank to be frank, is quite frank in his frankness as to what he regards as the problem with America today- that being anyone who’s a Democrat, a minority, or has the unmitigated gall to use their Freedom of Speech the way it’s meant to be, or heavens forbid, is not a bootlicking fan of our Craven in Chief. On his *Facebook page, a delightful miasma of conspiracies, theories, and not too thinly veiled threats help set the tone for someone who’s grasp of Constitutional law is equal to his comprehension of Reality- that is to say, I’m not sure what the color of the sky is in his world, but I’m also just as certain that if there’s ever a place where one might bump into the blond blue-eyed immigrant-hating Republican Jesus, it’s probably there.

So, this is Frank. And as some of you who have dealt with him online previously have suggested to me. his family tree having no branches may be something we may all want to take stock of, in relation to how hard we try to engage him as a fully rational adult.

And whether he looks to you like the type of guy you’d expect to see cosplaying as a bald Ted Nugent somewhere deep in the woods of Michigan, or the person you sometimes see out of the corner of your eye lurking at the edge of a children’s playground, he’s so much more that that, as evidenced by these screencaps of his impressive ability to combine slurs, white fragility, racism, and sheer paranoia. And I particularly like his multiple threats of unnamed and vague “consequences” for those who want to use the laws found within one of our most sacred founding documents, as a conduit to rid our democracy of the Russian asset currently masquerading as our leader, but I’ll expound upon this adorable quirk a little further down the literary road.

In fact, here’s a not too subtle warning that I’m going to be in some serious trouble right after he’s “done” with a friend of mine first. Granted, the fact I haven’t been called a “pussy” by anyone since I was twelve, in no way, shape, or form should infer that he doesn’t have a truly dizzying sense of intellect, it just shows that he hasn’t developed mentally past the range of 5th grade insults, which is why he likes Herr Hamberder so much. Birds of a feeble feather, and all that.

There were two things I took away from this pathetically weak attempt at presenting as a badass, the first being that this gaseous windbag is hardly going to get on several connecting flights, in an attempt to come to my small hamlet in the middle of nowhere to have a chat of any sort, especially when he has the linguistic skillset of an undercooked pork sandwich. And second, why am I the backup Plan B here? I don’t wake up, work out, plaster the Web with my opinions, and dress as snazzy as I do to be anyone’s second choice for a Prom date, thank you very much. There’s an order to these things- death threats, some verbal degradation, disco dancing, dinner in a restaurant that has no clown out front and cloth napkins on the inside, and only then, may you lay your hands violently upon me. I tell you, there’s nothing truly sadder than a dastard who has no love for the traditions of their craft.

Seriously… what are they teaching at these overpriced White Supremacist rallies these days, Home Economics? I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this in print, but when you suffer from an illness that tries to kill you professionally 24/7 as I do, you don’t really sweat the minor and nonsensical details. Given all of the terrible things that my condition can and has done to me, a swift death almost comes off as an early Christmas gift, and a long one is more akin to me being stuck at a really boring gallery opening. You want to scare me? Either tell my parents where I live, or my ex-fiancé that yes, I did think her friend Eva was freaking hot, and that if I were single at the time, would have moved on that like the Silly Rabbit going after an unlocked boxcar of Trix.

Screw you kids, all this is mine.

But I, unlike he, do have respect for the art of Troll-filleting, and to prove it, I will bestow my newest fan/stalker with a nickname befitting both his reasoning and overall relevance to the surly political discussion at hand. I’m thinking of going with Frankie *Coconuts, as he comes off not just as a wannabe OG, but as that particular kind of batshit insane that comes only from either huffing cheap paint with your windows closed, or abusing the kinds of drugs that make crack look like a cheese Danish, but I digress.
*[Apparently, this is not too coincidentally, his nickname back home for the very same reason.]

Let’s see what Google has to offer us as a way to understand Frankie and his cut and paste POV on loan from Breitbart. Let’s see… there’s these *articles from 2010, which expands upon Frankie’s assertion that he was dismissed from his city job in 2005 at the Water Department on trumped-up charges of engaging in “a pattern and practice of serious misconduct.” This harsh assessment was leveled by city officials who presented their side based on GPS tracker data that they said did not match his reports of sites he said he examined under his then capacity as a safety inspector.

Forced for a time to work as a part-time security guard, process server, and in what seemed more like a PR stunt, as a $100 a week “infrastructure consultant” to an Alderman from Chicago’s 32nd Ward, he eventually went on to win a $75K settlement using a 1983 case filed by Michael Shakman as a basis for his alleging that he was denied promotions and overtime because of his independent political beliefs. A story that I feel isn’t entirely accurate, but hey, it is Chicago after all, so I’ll give him a 50/50 split in regards as to whether this is true or not. In addition to his flaming train-wreck of a Facebook profile, he also has a YouTube blog, which has the exactly the production quality and significance you’d expect it to, wherein he not only promotes his run for the 10th Ward Alderman seat, but which also serves as a platform for his diatribes against local politicians whom he finds corrupt.

This does seem like an oxymoron of sorts, where both Chicago and he are concerned, due to his obsessive support of Trump, the topmost corrupt and possibly treasonous, politico of recent times. In essence, that’s like calling Mr. Rogers an adulterer, and Donald Trump a devoted Christian and faithful husband. Add to that his sad YouTube “channel” only has FOUR subscribers, and you can see that this conspiracy believing, modern-day civil war agitator is a powerhouse not to be trifled with, unless of course, you really need to stress to your children why funding birth control and staying in school is so desperately crucial in this country.

Now these links are just the top Googlings that mention him, but I’m sure if I dug deeper, I could really get to the meat of this man’s character. I’d place solid money on my sincerely held belief that most of that meat is over-salted SPAM, but it still technically qualifies as meat, nonetheless. But let’s talk about a past political dice roll of his for a minute- as one might have gleaned from the listed articles and screenshots, he seemingly shares a lot in common with his idol, that being charges of alleged malfeasance, unquenchable Ego, thin-skin, and an inability to remain civil and/or mature when crushed under (and by) his own hubris and indisputable facts.

Back in 2010, Frankie Coconuts decided to run for the esteemed position of City Clerk, which is nothing to sneeze at, let me tell you. I’ve often thought about running for office, and it’s been often suggested to me by others that I should, but I could never do it, until people. as Comedian John Mullaney once put it: “… get cool with a bunch of things real quick.” Now, running for and failing to succeed in the acquisition of a position in local or federal government should never be marked suitable for public shaming, unless you ran an amazingly inept or wholly unethical campaign. I’ve always felt that answering the call to public service is one of the most noble things you can do, if your heart and conscience are in the right place. And key to this lofty goal of helping your fellow persons is making sure that all your steps are on decidedly firm and non-ludicrous ground, a concept which our Coconut didn’t think applied to him.

For sake of clarity, I’m not referring to his publicly stated erroneous views on various social media platforms regarding feminism, minorities, our laws, or what he believes about all Democrats. No, I’m talking about the first action that is involved in getting your candidacy green-lit in the first place, namely fulfilling the legal requirements for valid signatures. In the case of running for office in Chicago, that prerequisite is 12,500 signatures to be officially presented in order to secure a place on the ballot. Coconut, along with five other long-shot contenders failed to make this bare minimum, and in turn, decided to *sue Chicago Board of Elections Chairman Langdon Neal, and Commissioners Richard Cowen and Marisel Hernandez, as a way to force the issue, by claiming that the criteria was “unconstitutional”.

This quota by the way, is almost 2.5 times the national average needed to run for Governor in most states, which strikes as a harsh, yet credible means to stave off the latent and interwoven corruption that to this day, still underpins Chicago politics like sauerkraut does a hot dog. But as I am not knowledgeable enough to a degree where I’m truly comfortable opining about procedural election law, this is at best, only a one-shot educated guess on my part.

The *decision eventually handed down was that the statute was constitutional, thereby effectively shutting down the argument. Before this judgement was made however, our loveable Coconut had dropped out of the case after the main plaintiffs filed their third amended complaint.

But let me if I may, dissect a few things here. If this was a calculated political move to call attention to what some have seen as a hindrance or burden in letting the common man run for office, I could get behind this on a few levels, power to the people and all that, as you know. But on a lighter note, does anyone want to guess how many signatures Frankie brought to the table? My girlfriend when I asked her this, first guessed ten thousand, then eight thousand, before eventually settling on seven thousand, to which I replied: “61.”

“Well,” she said, “6100 isn’t a bad showing…” I giggled: “No, babe, he brought sixty-one, not sixty-one hundred.” To which, I can only say her response was charitable at best, mocking as hell at worst. By way of using this thing called math, that’s a percentage difference of 198.057%. For those keeping track, that’s essentially the same number of people you’d find at an art show opening where I currently live, and half the time, we’re promoting the event with free wine and cheese, no less.

Did he go about collecting the illiterate entirety of the mob at one of his “dress up like an American flag and complain about brown people” strategy meetings, and just go home? He lives in Chicago- do they not still register dead people to vote anymore? Seriously. This nationalistic Neanderthal has no love for the craft. However, given his past and current comments online, his predeliction for aligning himself with political power grabs, and his slavish support of a lawless, crude, treasonous, man-child of a President,

I’m hesitant to give Frankie any credit towards successfully crafting the planning of a Machiavellian endgame. It’s one thing to be passionate about your beliefs, but quite another when you post actionable threats of violence towards those that you disagree with, and encourage others to do the same with sneering benevolence.

And as for his self-made persona as a noble disciple of the Constitution? Yeah, I’m going to call horses**t on that one too, right across the board. In my opinion, he’s a patriot in the same way that Trump is, in the sense that he picks and chooses what is and isn’t proper applications of the law, when he sees fit to do so. For instance, Coconuts likes to rant all over his Facebook profile that if anyone “removes my President” using the process of impeachment, which was clearly and specifically to thwart wannabe dictators and their illegal actions from harming our democracy, there will be  “consequences”, which his cravenly self has yet to define the boundaries of, despite multiple requests to do so.  

Speaking of feigned bravery, may I present yet another screencap, whereas we can see his boast of planning to come to Trump’s Chicago Ego-rally carrying a concealed weapon in order to “protect” his fellow White ISIS members from the evil “Anti-American weirdos” who obviously want nothing more than to skin all conservatives alive, and force their surviving children to watch PBS. Other than using the word “the” twice, one could just write this off as a good citizen using his 2nd Amendment rights to protect not only himself, but others of his political bent from dangerous and violent counter-protestors as they go forth utilizing the purest distillation of their Freedom to Assembly and Freedom of Speech. America. Fuck yeah.

Except… did anyone else notice the rest of his statement? The part where he encourages his fellow citizens of the can’t-get-laid-brigade to bring peaches and eggs because CTU will be there as well? Now at first, I thought to myself: “Isn’t that nice? They’re going to communally make a giant Peach Cobbler to serve as an epicurean olive branch to show their political rivals they have more in common then they realize, and all they want is peace.” But the more I looked at it, I noticed there was no call for the other ingredients that would be needed, such as salt, milk, lemon juice, cinnamon, baking powder, butter, flour, and most importantly, love.

And then it dawned on me, as if the great man Bob Ross himself bitch-smacked me upside the head with his palette- maybe he’s hoping that a riot will break out, because he has a personal fetish that is only sated by watching innocent fruit and yolks get hurt.  

Despite the temptation, I’m not going to judge him if this is so, because if you people knew what I like to do with a box full of Marshmallow Peeps, none of you would ever let me take you to the airport ever again. But if I were a cynic, and Lord knows I truly am, I might also propose that he’s not only encouraging his fellow rabble-rousers to incite a melee, he’s hoping one does occur, so that he has an excuse to whip out his substitute yogurt hose in a pathetically transparent attempt to intimidate his fellow Americans. This is no more than an asinine ruse to justify his already fu**ed up definition of what he thinks a traitor actually is.

Once again, he might have some due cause in being somewhat paranoid, as I for one, would never want to deal with a teeming drooling mass of anti-American weirdos- this is because I already have quite the full social calendar dealing with the anti-American MAGA morons, and free time to add in others is hard to come by these days.

But as noted, considering how volatile these gatherings can get these days, even I would take some precautions, especially if I were facing the combined might of the wholly terrifying organization that operates as brazenly and as openly as the CTU. So, who are, and what is, the CTU? Well, they’re a bunch of [checking Frankie’s notes] America hating, socialism promoting, diversity demanding, liberal soy-boy snowflakes who, when they’re not plotting to destroy our great republic from within, make their unethical living as public school teach… [looks at notes again, pauses, sighs deeply] …ers. Public school teachers.

These are the enemies of Frankie Coconut? The Chicago Teachers Union? An organized group of underpaid [59,528K avg. starting salary] public servants whom without there would be no careers, and who are almost single-handedly responsible for making sure that as children, we didn’t try to eat crayons or use a plugged-in hairdryer in the bathtub?

Now it all makes sense, his call to bring a quantity of fruit and eggs, because I can only assume that Frankie wanted to feed these hard-working and dedicated people who most of the time, work two jobs just to be able to continue teaching the Hellspawn of muttonheads like himself. But if charity isn’t the motivating factor, then that only leaves the possibility that our YouTube revolutionary felt the need to get locked and loaded to face people armed only with dry-erase markers, stickers, construction paper, glue sticks, and if tradition still holds, multi-colored chalk.

Personally, I don’t fear these people due to my familiarity with these items, that couldn’t hurt an immobilized baby, but then again. I also don’t need to have a substitute dick strapped right next to my real dick to voice any of my long-held opinions out in public, either.

But maybe it’s not the classroom accessories Frankie fears, but something far more intangible- that being, logic, knowledge, and Reality. All things he tends to eschew in his defense of Trump’s idiocy, fraud and obvious treason. Frankie claims it’s all because the CTU backs the sanctuary cities concept and teaching the children of undocumented workers, which quite honestly, bothers really nobody of note except marginalized xenophobic ear-breathers like Frankie. Odd that he’s never seemingly commented on the fact that “his president” has not only consistently hired the undocumented class, and paid fines for it, but also married two questionably certified emigres- namely, because no American wants to sex him up without getting the money upfront.

Once again, we observe immigrants doing a highly distasteful job for little money and equally low prestige. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I will say it again- if your chosen job can be easily taken by a person unfamiliar with the English language, American culture, or it’s history, you and only you, screwed up right out of the proverbial gate.

So, what does the future hold for our Caucasian Coconut and his fellow whiter than Wonder bread “Cival” War wannabe reenactors? Well… the outlook is one I would think will befall those who believe that Elvis, JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Tupac Shakur, and Biggie Smalls, are still alive, that Nickelback are musicians, that there was a need for a third Indiana Jones movie, and that Jean-Luc Picard is the far superior Starfleet captain, when we all know that James Tiberius Kirk is. I will opine that Jean-Luc however, as a means of not dividing my Starfleet geeks, is the far better officer though, so there.

My point is that you can always say what you want, but that doesn’t make it true, and nobody has to respect your opinion in the end- they just have to acknowledge you have one. All that will be presented freely to these Moscow-approved malcontents is a lifetime of mocking scorn and derisive disdain. No more, no less. In time, they will find themselves back under their rocks and bridges, without any havens, sanctuaries, or advocates, and watching them having to distance themselves from their fake tanned Twitler will be worth the popcorn bill we will all collectively have to pay for. In the case of despots, dictators, and petty tyrants, history has shown if not proven, that people who represent the worst of Humanity rarely if ever, come to a glorious and dignified end.

Sure, Stalin died in bed, Mao was ended by a heart attack, and Idi Amin was taken out by kidney failure while in a coma, but let’s not forget how Hitler after killing himself, was immolated as if he were one of my Dad’s notoriously overcooked backyard steaks, and Mussolini and his mistress were turned into a human pinata, sans candy. Now, I’m not suggesting that the Orange Orc will meet the same fated end, but given his fraud, his acts of treason, and his ties to money-laundering Russian Oligarchs, I would at the very least suggest he might not want to drink any cups of tea that are offered him.

I can’t even imagine how it must impact your fragile Ego when, on the very same day your incompetent administration manages to kill the leader of ISIS, you’re literally booed out of a baseball stadium, along with your gaggle of sycophants, from which you excluded your own kid/prop. Even better, is knowing the massive chanting crowd that is currently surrounding the White House isn’t there to praise the accomplishment you succeeded at despite yourself. No, they’re waiting to see you do the bigliest perp walk of all time, and whether Frankie Coconuts and his cohorts want to admit it or not, their demagogue of democracy is set to topple- and there’s not a god**n thing they can or will be able to do, to stop it from happening, no matter how much they pontificate for violence.

So in time, the joy of watching all that our Coconut holds near and dear getting decimated will eventually come to pass. His leader will be reviled in our future History as a corrupt and treasonous failure, his allies will eat and fail each other as they try to save the last of their political capitol, and he’ll get to watch as his subsequent irrelevance comes at him head-on. You know… the direction he’ll only face if he’s safely behind his gun, his Facebook profile, or the group of like-minded embarrassments he’ll send out first.

“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Collected Works