Wayne Michael Reich

Writing ∙ Photography ∙ Art


Month: October 2020

Sciencefaction Guaranteed (Orville that ends Well)

“Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark. Begin at the beginning. Tell Gregory a story. Make some light.”- Kate DiCamillo, The Tale of Despereaux Greetings

 Hello, Blogiteers!

 I won’t speak for any of you, but I for one, see some major personal and socio-cultural possibilities contained within Americas current apocalyptic phase, masquerading under the razor-studded umbrella of business as abnormal. Granted, over 200K of us have needlessly died at the hands of a wheezy Mussolini who by now, should have been turned into a human piñata homage in the way the source of his nickname was, but I’ll digress for the time being.

It’s become rather obvious that when we find ourselves back on the doorstep of Normal, battered, bruised, and far more cynically enlightened than we were before all of this started, we’re going to need to have a rather intensely focused discussion as to what parts of normality we should keep, and what we need to jettison out of our lives, as if it was that one Ex who slept with all of our friends.

 And not the hotties mind you, the ugly ones, which somehow… makes it seem that much worse.

I can honestly say that if you had told me four years ago that I’d be living in an America that was incompetently and dangerously overlorded by an even uglier and denser Biff Tannen from the Back To the Future Movies, I would have been forced to remind you yet again why that one Tupperware full of what appears to be Brownies in my fridge was so heavily marked in Sharpie as being “special” for a reason. So, two lessons to be learned here- the first that maybe, just maybe, we need to get rid of the electoral college and the as of late, disastrously proven theorem that anybody can be president, and the second being that I need to do a far better job in working out where to store the end result of my mystical brownie recipe in the near Future, methinks.

However, in a refreshing change of pace, I’m going to eventually discuss at some point in this, the newest of my screeds, something happy and snarkless for a change. I know, I know, it strikes me as somewhat weird too, but let’s just roll with it as a group, shall we? For those of you who know me personally, and for a lesser few of you who feel they’ve gotten to get a sense of me from my writing, it’s fairly obvious that I’ve got a touch of the Geek about me, and I wave my dork-flag with both pride and devotion.

Not only do I own a collection of vintage comic books and Star Trek / Star Wars toys, including no less than five lightsabers, I have a fondness for traditional cel cartoons, computer animated films, science-based documentaries, and as you might expect, science fiction films from every era, and of every conceivable plotline. This affection for such films literally not of this world, stems from a couple of impressionable moments from my childhood, some good, some bad.

The good; seeing Star Wars for the first time as an eight-year-old with my Dad, and realizing almost immediately that when I grew up, I was going to choose being a Corellian smuggler as a career, no matter what my Dad, science teacher, and local policemen told me. And this they did, more than once, I might add.

The bad: existing as an underweight geek in high school, and realizing that no matter how impressive my knowledge of the Sith was to my fellow Jedi, it wasn’t going to score me a hot chance in Hell with that cute Goth chick in my art class, so a literal fantasy world where brains were more important than your looks, who your friends were, or even what spaceship you flew, seemed very appealing to me at the time, as it sporadically does now.

Given what’s currently going on in this country, whether the negative aspect can be laid at the feet of either politics or the increasingly fractured rules of civil discourse, the escapism available to be found within the limitless worlds of sci-fi seems more relevant than ever, whether we find that distraction in the perversely twisted darklands of Dystopia, or the serenity of Utopia, as set forth by the literary and visual architects of the crafted tales.

Now, I could waste your time with yet another soliloquy of how 1980’s “Flash Gordon” is one of the best big-budget “B” movies that has ever hit the silver screen, or discuss in detail using scale models and an amazing PowerPoint presentation, as a means to bolstering my go-to argument that hands down, “Event Horizon” and “Alien” are two of the scariest films in existence, regardless of their sci-fi roots, but my soon to be jotted-down musings aren’t about that which can be labeled as either camp or terror, but about something that this country has regrettably had a dearth of since electing a vile bigoted bottle of Adderal-infused spray tanner as a leader, that being a quantifiable sense of hope.

If the reason why such a feeling of despondent foreboding currently exists isn’t all that clear to you, let me just illustrate why this is by taking this moment in time to… [Artbitch gestures expressively to include, well… everything.] As with most things, there isn’t just one factor as to why this is, but most of our current mental miasma can be traced in some part to the proliferation of the most creative, and yet concurrently destructive, forces within the sociocultural sphere, that being the combined duo of the Media and the Internet.

I’ve written at length multiple times before, so I’m not going to take a stroll down those particular alleyways of thought again, but I will call attention to a sidebar that has been percolating in the ol’ brainpan for a while now. No matter the invention, it’s uses as either a salve or a salvo rests solely in the hands of whomever wields it.

For instance, the Media in its best incarnation, can be used as a conduit to educate, entertain, or inform, and in its worst embodiment, is corrupted to obscure, terrorize, or deceive. The Internet can do all of this as well, but its reach is far more insidious in the end, for unlike the Media that must swim forward as if it were a shark to survive, the Net can endlessly recycle specific ideas and theories, regardless of what information arises to challenge it. For clarity, I’m not referring to the standardized tropes of crime, race, and gender that currently passes for journalism in this country as of late, no, what I’m addressing is the 24/7 virus of selective spoon-fed data that is the bread and circus of the World Wide Web.

So, as noted earlier, the ability to personally unplug as it were, has become not just fortunate, but crucial. And for my money, nothing offers up the chance for a personal mental vacation better than the cultural influence of the science fiction genre.

 But what are the parameters of such, you ask? The generally accepted definition is varied, due to the myriad of difficulty defining a set of unyielding borders for this range of creative endeavors whose authors, critics, scholars, and readers, balk openly at the thought of having clearly demarcated limits placed upon them in the first place.

Despite this, a rough argument could be made that Science Fiction, which is also known under the shortened moniker of “sci-fi”, is a vast genre of theoretical fiction that exemplifies inventive and innovative concepts which incorporate advanced science and technology, galactic exploration, time travel, and the idea of limitless parallel universes, and the possibility of alien races, as its most basic cornerstones. It has been called the “literature of ideas”, and often uses for its fictitious and artistic plot points, the potential after-effects, be they moral or wicked, regarding the introduction of social and technological concepts into either a new, or long established, society.

 Science fiction can also encompass the related genres of fantasy, horror, (as I noted earlier) and superhero fiction, along with the varied subgenres that can result from the intermeshing of ideas and germinated storylines. And due to its fantastical flexibility, it can also address the issues of the modern-day in a way that most of its contemporaries cannot, as the TV series Star Trek did, and continued to do, long after it’s heyday of popularity.

For many, being lectured to in regards to an uncomfortable issue, can be a hard and bitter pill to swallow for all involved, but wrap it up in an ice-world with bikini-clad sorceresses and laser-guns, and you’ve created a willingly captive audience who will accept your morality tale masquerading as entertainment, to an apogee that in the end, hopefully inspires a recalibration of their point of view.

Now at this point, some of my more regular and dedicated readers might be wondering why I’m even presenting what at its best, might be openly construed as a widely divergent tangent from my normal Bag O’ Bitchiness, but trust me, it’s far easier for me to do this, than go on an a much deserved and unhinged NERF-bat bludgeoning spree. Typically, I relish the ensuing and inevitable confrontations that result from what I write and openly say on various Social Media platforms, very much in the manner of how a four-year-old regards Christmas, and to be honest, that rapturous joy sustains me far beyond the pale of what one might expect.

My literary formulation has been purposefully designed to call out heightened attention to what I find to be ethically lacking, albeit in people or institutions, as well as hopefully starting a decisive dialogue regarding such. However, the last three things I’ve written have stuck around for far longer than they typically are apt to do, and the cold repercussions that usually result from the stance that I take, are punching back far harder as well, this time around.

Normally, when I write about persons or situations that I find particularly toxic, the residual ichor that I’ve acquired doing so slides off my psyche as if I were a Teflon-coated duck, but not this time, and I’m pretty sure I know why. What I tend to write isn’t your archetypal type of tale that  can be whipped up and out in ten minutes- there’s a TON of research and vetting that goes into my literary endeavors, which a fan of mine once described as “fishhook story-telling”, the graphic descriptive referring to how difficult it was to just stop reading my stuff, put a metaphorical pin in it, and come back later to finish it off.

Essentially, they said that every time they were ready to do so, the next paragraph would throw out a series of hooks, and pull them back in. Granted, I do find this praise flattering, even if it calls to mind some distressing scenes from the Hellraiser movies.

 Keep in mind that for the last three months, I have been walking through a human personality sewer in regards to the last two people I’ve written about, and that, solidly up to my neck. The first being a disingenuous hypocritical faux Christian, whom, while annoying, hardly qualified as truly anything more than a walking punchline, ripe for mocking. If anything, I find it extremely ludicrous that some people in my small community listen to, and hold a modicum of respect for, an alleged middle-aged hypocritical harpy who openly supports Trump, while claiming an unshakeable faith in a Bronze-Age Sky-daddy fable.

A myth that not only demands your eternal groveling and total submission, but for some strange reason that is as yet unexplained, also requires a fair amount of your hard-earned cash as well.

So, either the mythical God has an exceedingly worrisome gambling addiction, or perhaps his pimps are skimming off the top. Just a thought. Other than their inherent hypocrisy, the only other thing that got under my skin was their asinine assertion that lauded actor Tom Hanks was, and I swear that I am not making this up, a serial pedophile who had been arrested in Australia, and had been fitted with an ankle monitor, so his movements could be tracked if need be.

Yes, you read that right. The guy who played Mr. Rogers, is in *fact, a sexually deviant pervert who has a thing for molesting innocent children And yes, I have a screenshot of her meme to prove it:

*[This is NOT a fact. It is however, a clear sign of a possible underlying mental illness, though.]

You can literally feel the love of Jesus radiating out of her, can you not? Let’s face it. When you come across somebody this paranoically stupid, all you really can do is take a deep breath, and make sure that they don’t have access to scissors, the car keys and remote control, and most importantly- the voting booth and a sexual partner, so they can’t make any further contribution to the shot-glass depth end of the gene pool. But when it comes to the other individual, I excoriated in not one, but two separate screeds? JFC, that guy [in my opinion] is not only an absolute racist loon, he’s worthy of his own statue in whatever inbred white supremacist enclave that would look upon that type of person as a role model. I’ve come across his type before, but I’ve never seen a bigot who was this virulently dedicated to the cause of racial divisiveness as he seems to be.

 Every time I took a deep dive into his social media to gather my acorns of research, I came away with a little less optimism that Humanity was running along just fine.

Here’s the thing I found truly bizarre, if not wholly unsettling: no matter how hard the effort, and no matter how you may try to camouflage it, your personality and who you really are, bleeds off whatever site you may be using, even if you are prone to doing it casually. As part of my ongoing “Aggravate the Trumpanzees” campaign, I use all the information that can be gleaned, and the best source for reconnaissance is usually the Internet. It’s literally an open book, chock full of the most personal and sensitive information.

Due to this risk of having my own out-of-context life used against me, my FB page is private, but unfortunately, I cannot do the same in regards to my IG profile, as I use that platform as an open conduit to promote my creative endeavors, and political viewpoint. And if you think I’m an opinionated jerk here, I can assure you beyond reproach, that you’d really hate my presence there. 

 But this person’s social media isn’t an open book, as much as it is a case study in paranoia and a warning of what happens when ignorance, bigotry, and inanity are granted internet access. When I started unpeeling the odious onion of my subjects openly on display for all to see psyche, it just got more disturbing the deeper I dove. My disquiet strangely enough, wasn’t due to his bigotry however, but more to the unease of discerning that there wasn’t a single example of what most would consider common humanity to be found anywhere within his online activity… at all.

What I mean by this, is that if you go cyber-cruising through the backroads of the online lives that draw your interest, you’ll notice a few similarities to your own, interestingly enough. There’ll be examples of personal interests and hobbies, postings from close friends, maybe even a few pictures of family gatherings, just-born babies, phone videos of your kids or dog doing adorable things, maybe some recipes, a few jokes, long with the inevitable political memes and particular opinions regarding such.

 All perfectly normal… for most of us, that is.

 Nevertheless, when it comes to this particular person, I can only note that over the years, I’ve written about a lot of people, and they’ve all had their unique quirks to be sure, but they at least all shared the common ground of being able to pass as human, even if they did it by less than a hairbreadth. But this guy would not only fail the Voight-Kampff test from the seminal 1982 sci-fi cult masterpiece known as Blade Runner, he’d do it while complaining the whole time that Black Replicants were getting special treatment.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m culturally referencing, the fictional Voight-Kampff test was utilized by the Blade Runner unit of the 2019 LAPD to assist in the sometimes-difficult task of determining if a particular individual was a member of a manufactured human class, known as Replicants, which due to their status as products and not as sentient entities, were outlawed on Earth under the unarguable penalty of their being involuntarily “Retired”, also known as an automatic death sentence.

 That’s an upbeat vision of the Future, isn’t it? To be honest, after solidly perusing all that I’ve compiled in regards to his ideology and non-humanistic leanings, I’d opine with a somber conviction that if you tugged on his face just a little too hard, his skin would tear away to reveal a lizard-humanoid underneath it, just as it did in NBC’s 1983 classic miniseries, “V”. For legal reasons, I’m not suggesting even for a second that anyone out there should pull on this dude’s face as if it were Stretch Armstrong’s or a blob of Silly Putty, but I would advocate that if you notice him staring at your pet hamster as if it were a Snicker’s bar, you just might want to rethink that whole movie night get-together you’ve been planning, and leave it at that.
As I noted earlier, the majority of fully functioning online humankind could easily show that they are indeed people, and not sentient mannequins, but I doubt my budding tiki-torch wielding advocate for the *weißer rennen could do so, unless he pulled an all-nighter, and crammed for the test in the very same way he filled that otherwise empty melon on top of his neck with all that ignorant bigotry he’s so fond of.[”White Race” in German]

As I stated earlier, when I write about somebody, I dive deep, for a variety of reasons. The primary being that I want to make sure that I’m correct in my initial valuation of who and what they are, and the remainder to ascertain whether or not the resulting screed will have the legs to carry itself more than a few metaphorical and staggering feet. As one might and should imagine, it’s an unevenly loaded milk crate at times, and sadly, my mental filing cabinet is stuffed chock-full of concepts and opening paragraphs that went nowhere.

 However, in retrospect, I would have rather ended up in Nowhere than where I eventually landed, a place so devoid of that which makes us human, I thought that maybe I had stumbled onto a spoof profile. But no, he’s real, and somehow, that’s far more terrifying than the philosophy he infects others with, hands down.

Why do I feel this way, you ask? Because on his profile, there’s none of the aforementioned human touches I referenced earlier. No personal photos whatsoever with friends, family or even a dog. No humorous videos. No memes that aren’t either racist or ignorant in their scope. And most disturbingly, nothing that dissuades me from my unease that given the right conditions, he could pop off like a can of soda that’s been left inside a hot car. I’ve never seen a profile like his, and I’m a guy who while doing research for an eventually unpublished piece regarding the Neo-Nazi movement in Arizona, spent his time knee-deep wading through the pages of its various supporters.

Did they proudly stand behind their racist views? Hell yes. Did they post abominable memes and “proof” like our previous subject does? You betcha. But even these chromosomally-deficient lunkheads had what our fictional Replicants craved- evidence of human contact. Granted, most of their photos depicted either racist rallies or them showing off their White Power tattoos, but at least they could brag about having friends, and outside interests, odious as they might be. But not our guy. He literally and obsessively, focuses on three things: BLM, African-Americans, and the Democratic party.

To be fair, I too, have been accused, and more than once I’m afraid, on being a tad overly attentive to certain things to the point of all distraction, but even I will throw in a random cookie recipe from time to time to break up the monotony.

 But in regards to my previous blog subject, I keep having a premonition that one day in the future, he’s going to be both a headline and the lead story on the six o’clock news. And that right quick, if it doesn’t become clear to him that notwithstanding the quirks of melanin, we’re all stuck on this space-rock together, and the only way we all move forward is to do it together. That sentiment may sound as if it’s covered in treacle, but it’s also relevantly true. Life is far too short to spend it wallowing in paranoic hatred, and unless you’ve made some personal deal with your mythical God, past the point of serving as an eternal bad example, you’re not getting out of here alive anytime soon.

So, if it’s at all possible, perhaps they should sojourn their personal crusade of impersonating a vanilla douche for five minutes, and take a look at what their legacy is going to be, because the ramifications of it are certainly not admirable, to say the very least.

 Gah. Enough of this. I promised you something happy, and so, I shall deliver. I am a man of my wors after all, and I’d like to keep my good standing as such. Not to mention, I’d hate to lose my discount at Nice-Guys-R-Us. Let me tell you, there’s nothing that will adversely affect your sense of internal Zen like walking through the wasteland of somebody else’s shattered humanity, and sadly realizing that you may have no cumulative effect for the better by attempting to perform an act of *Kintsugi upon it.

Some people can most definitely be saved, if only from themselves, but not everyone can be salvaged successfully, and that’s the hard truth. Hopefully, this person can de-ass their head and get it on straight enough to willingly re-join the rest of us who understand and more importantly believe, that hate should have no home, either in one’s community, or in one’s soul. Just my two cents.

*[ Kintsugi (AKA: 金継ぎ, “golden joinery”, kintsukuroi (金繕い, or “golden repair”) is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by fixing what has been broken with lacquer mixed with either powdered gold, silver, or platinum. However, it also has a guiding philosophy attached to the act of repair, as it views breakage as part of the history of an object, which results in the repair being purposefully visible, rather than hiding it from perusal.]

So there I was, feeling like I had just spent a week being a featured extra in a German Scheisse video, wondering just how I was going to get the toxic stench of his bigoted bulls**t off of me, and searching for the strongest of distracting entertainment to assuage the feeling that I had been camping directly under my own metaphorical version of *Kjeragbolten since the start of writing about it.

But where to start? I tried Disney+, but documentaries and cartoons both featuring helium-voiced rodents didn’t quite make the cut. Netflix was okay, but I can only handle so many Bollywood movies before I want to start immolating the nearest Tandoori takeout, and when it comes to Amazon Prime, I get queasy at the thought of Jeff Bezos, who is the closest thing this planet will ever see to having it’s very own Lex Luthor, using my hard-earned money just so he can make the corpse of Steve Jobs seem almost friendlier and warmer by comparison. *[Kjeragbolten is the name of a massive boulder, stuck solidly in a crevasse of one of the more popular tourist locations in Norway, a mountain known as Kjerag. Set 1000 meters high, tourists with obvious thrill issues, take delight in potentially risking their lives by posing atop the boulder, which in my opinion, just goes to prove that some people really need to watch less Roadrunner cartoons, and read a book or two involving the Laws of Physics.]

 And thus, I finally found myself within the land of HULU, a streaming service which apparently when I wasn’t paying attention, raided the closet where I store some of my favorite science fiction shows, and copied the inventory list:

 Space 1999?If you’re gonna die, you might as well die on Alpha.” Firefly? “Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! Rick and Morty? You son-of-a-bitch. I’m in.” Akira? KANEDA!” Futurama? My story is a lot like yours, only more Interesting ’cause it involves robots.” Twin Peaks? Every day, once a day, give yourself a present, The X-Files? “I scream, you scream, we all scream for nonfat Tofutti rice dreamsicles.” Star Trek TOS? “Now, I don’t pretend to tell you how to find happiness and love, when every day is a struggle to survive. But I do insist that you do survive, because the days and the years ahead are worth living for!” Star Trek TNG? Life’s true gift is the capacity to enjoy enjoyment.” Deep Space Nine? Think of it! Five years ago, no one had ever heard of Bajor or Deep Space Nine, and now, all our hopes rest here!”

 And man, was there hope. A few weeks’ worth of it, actually. And all of it boiled down to a series of full-on binging sessions, happily fueled by a seemingly endless supply of room-temperature Dr. Pepper, precisely chilled Ding Dongs, and a cast-iron bladder. As I racked up the hours wandering through the multiverses emanating from my flat-screen TV, I was transported farther and farther away from the difficulties of this currently f**ked-up sphere, and into worlds where if they didn’t have viable solutions to offer in relation to their own issues, the unfettered optimism that one day they would, remained as unbreakable as their faith in the resilience of the human spirit.

Even if the essence of this spirit was sometimes personified in the form of aliens that could be blue-skinned, asexual, ten feet tall, telepathic, and hopefully possessed with a murderous penchant for snacking on still-living, and hopefully still-screaming, Ewoks. After all, a boy who truly despises Ewoks can still have a dream, can’t he?

 Of course he can, because goddamnit, this is still America after all. Or it might not be. I haven’t checked the news yet to see where we’re currently at, so y’all might want to take this opinion with about a pound of salt until I make certain that this is correct. My joy from contemplating a He-shed built from the skulls of slaughtered creepy space teddy bears aside, this interlude of laconically wallowing within my orb of self-care did resharpen a few theoretical points of mine that have been blunted by my grueling daily regimen of constantly throwing spanners in the works of as many Repubutards as I can amass within reason, and sometimes, even beyond that. The way I see it currently, is that we’re all being tested for the Future, and we have a clearly defined choice of paths that we can take to determine who and what, we truly are, if not what we wish to be.

We as a people, can either strive for the Humanistic Utopia presented by Star Trek, or we can just collectively throw the metaphorical towel in, break out the tire-shoulder-pads, and commit to devoting ourselves to living ala Mad Max style, because those assless chaps aren’t going to wear themselves, now are they? But before we go one way or the other, let me suggest a third option that overall, is far more realistic, and may lie somewhere in between the middle of Paradise and chaining criminals to cars that are about to explode, with the only escape made possible by sawing through one’s ankle.

You know, like we’ve all been forced to do at some point in our lives.

Getting back on track, one of the most wonderful things about the world of science fiction as I noted earlier, is how it holds with a death-grip, the ideals of ever-eternal Hope, even when the situation at hand is presented as desperate at its best. In the “classic” Star Trek, this paradox is embodied by the Starfleet Academy’s cadets training exercise, known as the “Kobayashi Maru”, whose sole purpose is to assess the leadership and character of its participants when they are confronted with a no-win scenario.

Mentioned for the first time in the 1982 film Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the fictional test uses the plot device of a Starfleet ship responding to a distress call from a disabled civilian ship, the Kobayashi Maru, which has found itself floundered within the Klingon Neutral Zone. The twist is that by entering said zone, the Starfleet ship would be seen by the Klingon High Command to be deliberately triggering an interstellar border confrontation.

 And yes… that would go as well as you might think.

 The crucible moment of this theoretical conflict, manifests itself when the relatively untested cadets must decide whether they should endeavor to save the certainly doomed crew of the Kobayashi Maru, risking their lives and the safety of their vessel, or turn tail, leaving behind a moment of cowardice and the slaughter of innocents that will forever haunt the halls of their consciences for the rest of their lives, This simulated futuristic Hobson’s Choice, forces upon the cadets an unescapable, and more importantly unsurvivable scenario,

In essence, there can never be any solution where the cadets manage to live and fight another day, hence the reason why it’s called a “no-win” scenario, an untenable position that even the extra-dimensional beings known as the  “Q” might avoid altogether, just to avoid any embarrassment regarding it.

 No one has been able to beat or rise above this challenge, Ever.

 xcept… who else? At that time, the cadet named James Tiberius Kirk. You’ve probably heard of him at some point, for as of 2373, Captain James T. Kirk had the biggest file on record with the Department of Temporal Investigations, with no less than seventeen recorded temporal violations. So, how did Kirk beat this infamous and soul-crushing character test?

By showing the very best of his character in regards to the challenge he faced, of course. And all he had to do was simply cheat. Imagine that. In Kirk’s very own words: “I reprogrammed the simulation so that it was possible to save the ship. Changed the conditions of the test… got a commendation for original thinking. I don’t like to lose. I don’t believe in a “no-win” scenario.”

And that boys and girls, is the purest distillation of what makes the human spirit so irrepressible- the belief that no matter what, all can be achieved, regardless of what obstacles have been placed in its path. It’s what sent us out far from our homelands. It’s what made us explore the highest of our mountaintops and the deepest of our seas. It’s what drove us to go the Moon, and then bring a car with us the next time around. And if science fiction is correct, it’s what will make us boldly go where no one has gone before. Count on it. For as glorified monkeys, we’re always happiest when we manage to leave our past accomplishments in the dust, and that will never change.

Surprisingly, leading the charge in the realm of that which is wholly fantastical, is none other than Seth McFarlane, who was initially best known as the creator of the animated series Family Guy and American Dad, whose combined output has steadily provided some of the most provocative if not controversial, low-brow comedy of the last few years. However, McFarlane rose to greater creative heights if not cultural influence, with the 2012 release of his first major motion picture “Ted”, for which he not only lent his voice and motion capture to, but which he co-wrote and directed as well.

The plot revolves around Boston native John Bennett, whose childhood wish brings his teddy bear Ted to life. However, as Bennet matures, his continuing relationship with Ted impedes any progress forward in regards to his future and love life.
Notwithstanding the somewhat uneven range of critical reviews, the film was the 12th highest earning film of that year, and its comparatively small (by Hollywood standards) 50M budget saw a gross return of $549.4M in box-office receipts. This success has led to the formulation of an impressively creative empire that has not only amassed an ever expanding resume comprised of credits for voice-over work, script-writing, acting, and producing for television and film, but one that has extended into video games, and the increasingly diverse market for original online content as well.

Despite a grueling work schedule and the pressure of  having to top oneself, a situation that would make most leave the office on a Tuesday, turn off the lights, and never come back, McFarlane still managed to dig deep and create ,as well as star in, one of the arguably best science-fiction shows of the last three decades, known as The Orville.

[First season cast in order of photo: J. Lee, Halston Sage, Scott Grimes, Seth McFarlane, Adrianne Palecki, Penny Johnson Jerald, Mark Jackson, and Peter Macon.]
Second season cast in order of photo: Peter Macon, Scott Grimes, Penny Johnson Jerald, Seth McFarlane, Adrianne Palecki, J. Lee, Jessica Szohr, and Mark Jackson.]

Set 400 years in the future, The Orville stars MacFarlane as Ed Mercer, the recently-divorced and newly appointed captain to, the USS Orville (ECV-197), a mid-level exploratory space vessel of the Planetary Union, an interstellar alliance of Earth and 300 other planets, which calls to mind Star Trek’s United Federation of Planets, AKA: “The Federation”, which as an inspirational source, McFarlane clearly aspires to respectfully both parody and pay homage to.

The main foundation of the show centers on the crew of the titular spaceship who, while facing the perils and marvels of outer space exploration, also contend with the conversant problems of day-to-day life. Like the iconic franchise that undoubtedly inspired it, the show presents itself as no more than pure entertainment, but in a welcome departure from the standard formula, manages to successfully fuse a far more comedic and humanistic underpinning to its subtly delivered morality tales.

Despite McFarlane’s somewhat deserved past reputation for engaging in raunchiness, the Orville presents on many levels, as a show that’s intended for the demographic who grew up watching McFarlane’s earlier work, and who’s maturing taste now reflects that. Is there some occasional low-brow humor? Most certainly, but even then, it’s a subtle twist on what’s expected. For instance, in S1 Ep.11 (“Lasting Impressions”) a time capsule from the 2015 is opened, revealing an archeological treasure trove of the commonplace, including a cellphone, replete with a full cache of saved texts.

Upon seeing this, the scientist in charge dryly says; “Look at this. She’s clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing ‘wireless telecommunications facility,’ she just wrote ‘WTF.’ We can decode things like this by applying historical context.” I’ll be discussing some of those further subtleties down this literary road, but if I may, I’d like to call attention to some other personal creative observations first:

One: The production value is amazing. Sets, costumes, the space battles, the ships, and even the alien makeup and effects are big-budget movie quality. No disrespect to ST, albeit Classic or TNG, but this show not only looks great, but it presents as feeling “right” as well. And while the valid comparisons to ST can and will be made, this show still carves out its own unique identity, and stands apart, as a testament to when one is able to mine fresh creativity out of a genre that way too often, depends on the reanimation of cliches, versus taking a gambler’s risk on the New.

 Two: One of my biggest pet peeves whenever I watch anything futuristic or fantastical, is when the demand asked of my suspension of disbelief is so far beyond its logical breaking point, that I’m forced to finally stop watching whatever it is, and get back to reading a good book instead.

An example of this would be every slasher movie moment where a soon-to-be-killed character feels the need for whatever reason, to go casually walking around in the pitch dark basement, woods, or institutional hallway by themselves, right after discovering one of their fellow campers, /students, or previous sexual partners pinned to a wall with a salad fork, rather than just grab the nearest set of car keys and get their dumb asses the hell out of Dodge instead.

Let me be clear in regard to this sort of thing- if you ever find me in this condition, GO GET HELP, FROM SCARY MEN WITH ROCKET LAUNCHERS, instead of waiting around to be the next notch on a killer’s hockey mask. Speaking of which, why would a forest-based killer be wearing a hockey mask in the first place? A paintball shield, I’d understand, but an ice-hockey mask? Yeah, not so much. The point I’m belaboring here is that the blending of character, story-arc, and situational locations is so seamless, that I’ve never had that roadblock in relation to this series at all, as two minutes in, and for almost every show, I’m truly hooked, and I stay that way for the duration of the episode. And for me, that’s quite the rare experience.

 Three: When it comes to an antagonist within a sci-fi setting, I want the baddest bad guys and bad gals you can give me. Imagine Rogue One’s Darth Vader, versus the neutered version of pure whininess offered up to the pyre of mocking in 2005’s dreadful Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith. Ironically, the only “revenge” that may result from this piece of overly CG-ied digital egotism is that I ever get George Lucas alone in an elevator, he’s going to cough up the fifteen bucks I paid to see this pile of visual viscera, and that right quick.

I’ll give him a hall pass of sorts for the whole “should have been Wookies but instead all we got was f**king Ewoks” thing, because he didn’t have the budget at the time to do so, but considering he didn’t go back and add them in, like he did those pointless background extras that both stood out like a sore thumb and were completely unnecessary as well in Star Wars The Special Edition, he better throw in an extra ten bucks for the two boxes of Milk Duds I bought as well, now that I come to think of it.

Yes. I loathe Ewoks. How much, you ask if it isn’t already obvious? I hate them so much that I’d empty my checking account to fund a fan-made backyard Godzilla film, if the plot centered around him doing this for an hour and a half:

And nobody’s ever going to convince me otherwise that those creepy bug-eyed piles of rat-fur could have successfully defeated a garrison of heavily armed Stormtroopers using the most basic of stone-age weaponry. At the end of “Empire” we should have a seen a stack of furry corpses so high, that even Tenzing Norgay himself couldn’t scale it. One last thing that comes to mind, is that if Lucas is ever granted the right to go back and re-tweak The Empire Strikes Back, I’d opine that rather than adding an extra Bantha or two, he should remove that whole scene where Leia kisses Luke in the sickbay unit, because it sort of implies that Alderaan was the type of place where the state of your virginity may just rely on your ability to outrun your fastest brother.

My apologies. I was talking about bad guys, and in that regard, The Orville delivers, not once, but twice. The first set of villains, featured in S1 Ep.1: “Old Wounds”, are initially introduced as [SPOILERS!!!] the Planetary Union’s long-term enemies, The Krill, which establishes that they are a threat, but doesn’t flesh-out why this truly is. In fact, their first appearance results in this tense, but still hilarious, repartee between McFarlane’s character and a Krill captain, who is intent on seizing a time-accelerating device, invented by a Union scientist:

Krill Captain: “Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship.”
Ed Mercer: “Sorry, can you… can you move, like, two steps to your right?”
Krill Captain: “What?”
Ed Mercer: “Just like a little, t-tiny bit… it’s just a lot of dead space there, just…” [the Krill captain steps to his right] “Yeah, just right th… perfect. Yeah, sorry. You were just very weirdly framed. It was all I could focus on.”

 This is all we really see of the Krill until Ep.6: “Krill”, when what was supposed to be a simple intelligence gathering operation, turns into an impossible moral call that McFarlane’s character is forced to make, despite neither option being virtuously palatable.

Reptilian in appearance, the Krill originate from a planet of the same name, that is located within proximity of the quadrant that encompasses the territories of the Planetary Union. Krill, due to their fanatical conviction that their god known as Avis, who seems closely modeled after the vengeful Christian deity of the Old Testament, demands the annihilation of all other species, on the core belief that they are dually soulless and undeserving of continued existence. This is to be accomplished via the philosophy of “the divine fight”- in essence, an everlasting conflict, targeted at all non-Krill species.

In an earlier discussion of the Krill’s viewpoint towards becoming peaceful allies within the Union, Mercer notes that at one point in their past, the Krill were not nearly as xenophobic as they currently are, and that the radicalization of their culture occurred only after discovering via their own intergalactic exploration, that they were “just one species among a vast diversity of life forms.” Despite the number of violent military interactions between the two groups, the Union still holds out the hope that one day, there will be an everlasting peace between the two civilizations.

The possibility of such arises in S2 Ep.10 “Blood of Patriots”, when the Krill initiate a lak’vai pact, set in motion by the events of S2 Ep.9: “Identity Part II”, where the Krill find themselves [SPOILERS!] fighting alongside the Union against our soon-to-be-named second villain, and while not technically any form of an openly declared ceasefire, it does serve as a mutually agreed resolution of intent to engage in future accord negotiations.

But even with the Krill’s aggressive zealotry underwriting their actions, they still pale in relation to the ruthless efficiency of complete obliteration threatened by baddies number two, The Kaylon, an artificially-created species who are the evolutionary end result of A.I. technology gone horribly awry, and like the Krill, share the mind-set that all other species are inferior. The difference being that the Kaylon ascribe this to a belief that theirs is the superior intellect, rather than a religious conviction.

Despite this oddly parallel shared set of prejudices, there is a single Kaylon character aboard the Orville, serving as a Science and Engineering Officer [SPOILERS!] by the name of Isaac. Allegedly sent by the Kaylon to aid in their collective decision as to whether they should join the Union or not, we later discover Isaac’s true intent behind his living among the crew- to decide whether biological life would be worth preserving. There’s a touch of foreshadowing regarding this in the pilot episode, when the newly-appointed Mercer, who is reviewing the senior officers under his command, has a moment with Isaac:

Mercer: “Aren’t you guys legendarily racist?”
Isaac: “My planet regards humans and other biological life-forms as inferior, if that is your inference.”
Constructed by a now-extinct biological (more on this in a bit) species known only as the “Builders,” the Kaylon race were originally slaves, who were controlled through the use of pain simulators. However, when the Kaylon achieved self-awareness, they rose as one, and massacred their creators, disposing of their corpses in a voluminous cavern under the capital city, a horrifying fact unearthed during the progression of the two-part “Identity” story-arc in episodes 8 & 9 of the second season.

Over the course of time, the Kaylon have come to believe that biological lifeforms were inclined to enslave others, and in a preemptive strike to eradicate this error of intellect, declare war on the Union and all other non-artificial lifeforms, by hijacking the Orville in an opening gambit to gain unrestricted access to Union space without raising the alarm.

Remember that human spirit I mentioned earlier? It’s the combination of that and an unpredicted betrayal that averts the expected outcome, and sets the foundation for the possible Union/Krill alliance that I referenced earlier. However, this outcome itself gets possibly negated later in the 13th episode (“Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow”) of the season, when what appears to be a personal judgement based in kindness, leads to a Butterfly Effect that has disastrous consequences for not only the people directly affected by said choice, but the entire galaxy as well.

This episode, and the one that directly succeeds it, “The Road Not Taken”, offers a truly fresh take on what has become at this point, a reliable, if threadbare, fail-safe science-fiction trope, that being time-travel, utilized almost exclusively over the years, to conceal the evident weaknesses in badly conceptualized storytelling, more often than not.

 This opinion. now excised from my brain, serves as the lead-in for my next observational point, and that concerns what hands down, is the singularly most important facet of any story that is to be offered, whether its final form emerges as a book, film, or in this case, a television series.

 Four: That which is most decisive to the success of any tale, regardless of form as just noted above, boys and girls, is a truly compelling story, that is well-presented, well told, and even more crucial, one that is relatable to the audience that awaits it. Even if they don’t know that they are actually doing so. And in this regard, the Orville delivers consistently. After a fashion of course. By that, I mean when the show first premiered, its potential audience and critics were strongly divided as to what direction McFarlane’s vision would take- would it be sophomoric pablum, or a refined self-referential parody of all that had inspired it? 

It turns out that in the beginning, it was a little of both, until the show came upon in equal measure, its voice and its footing. And while the first few shows took some time to discover these essential qualities, the one thing that was firmly evident and locked in place since the pilot episode, was the personal chemistry between its main characters. Even more impressive, from my writer’s POV, was the fact that the story-arcs establishing such were presented right upfront from the get-go.

Regardless of who your favorite character may be, the actors who portray them have all been given free rein to vividly breathe life into their small-screen avatars, which in turn, strengthened the stories that were laid out for our entertainment. This creative license given so freely to the ensemble cast, has resulted in The Orville’s motley crew coming off less as stereotypical archetypes, and bestowing far more realistically, the sense that these are real people whom we all might share something in common with.

Whether the situation presented is being forced to work side-by-side with your badly-ended ex, as is the case with Ed Mercer and his First Lieutenant / Ex-wife Kelly Grayson, played by actress Adrianne Palecki, or the tribulations of being a Union starship medical officer while also raising two sons as a single mom, as personified by actress Penny Johnson Jerald in the role of Dr. Claire Finn, who at one point in the series [SPOILERS!!] engages in a romantic relationship with the Kaylon character of Isaac, with somewhat unforeseen consequences resulting from their attempt at a normal relationship.

Other standout performances of note are actors Mark Jackson as Isaac, the aforementioned AI lifeform serving alongside an intellectually inferior species whose ways he doesn’t fully understand, Peter Macon as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus, a member of the all-male species the Moclan, trying to balance both career and his marriage,  J. Lee as John LaMarr, the Orville’s initial Navigator and later on, its Chief Engineer after his intellectual capabilities are discovered to be off the charts, Scott Grimes as Lieutenant Gordon Malloy, the Orville’s ace helmsman and captain Ed Mercer’s best friend, who despite his excellence as a pilot, has somewhat of a checkered past because he, and I quote: “once drew a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85.”

Rounding out the first season cast, actress Halston Sage portrayed Security Chief Alara Kitan, who serves in the Union against her family’s wishes, and thanks to the high gravity of her native planet Xelaya, possesses increased endurance and strength capabilities.

 Sage left the show in the middle of season two, and despite being replaced with actress Jessica Szohr, cast in the role of the Orville’s new Security Chief Talla Keyali, Sage returned in a brief cameo appearance for the season-ending episode mentioned earlier, “The Road Not Taken”, so perceptibly, her abrupt departure wasn’t due to any interpersonal conflict, and therefore, a possible return to the show may still be possible. Still open dialogue, and all that. Regarding which, it’s the repartee between the characters on this show that I really appreciate the most, because the show never fails to make you feel the validity of these characters existing as actual living entities, versus phoned-in plot devices.

One of the banes of sci-fi themed entertainment in my opinion, is an overly dependent reliance on the spouting of faux-scientific-mumbo-jumbo in order to sell us all on the snake-oil that we are all indeed, gazing into “THE FUTURE”, a literary gimmick which I’ve always felt, is the worst form of lazy pretentiousness. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to accurately quote geek jargon such as the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from Dune, which goes: “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Sure, that’s a cool soliloquy, and extremely useful when trying to pick up morally relaxed Fremen girls, but who in the H-E double hockey sticks actually talks like that?
Nobody worth paying attention to,, that’s who. How the dialogue between characters is approached and handled, is one of the critical factors in determining whether or not a story successfully connects with its intended audience,  and many a good tale has been ruined by a poorly constructed interchange between the principal characters within it.

For example, I present this monologue from one of the worst movies ever made, “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, a waste of celluloid so ineptly written, that I’d rather watch “Highlander 2 The Renegade Cut” on perpetual loop for the rest of my life, rather than ever hear the following example of excruciatingly incompetent wordplay ever again:

“Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown… the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you, the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony, of the miserable souls, who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts of grave robbers from outer space?”

Yes. An actual person really did write this, and was so proud of it, that they then showed it to other people, who in turn, felt personally compelled to not only fund its production, but also wanted to star in the finished product as well. Now, for all of my bagging on this prime example of how NOT to make a movie, it does serve as an excellent example of how also not to tell a story as well. As I implied above, if you want people to be engaged with what you’re trying to say, you have to say it in such a way that they not only understand it, but can relate to what the character is going through in the first place.

People don’t idolize a favorite character just because they slot nicely into some homogenous descriptive of being “cool”, they do so because for them, a connection to that character has been made, and most of the time, it’s because they can put themselves in their boots, as it were. Or hooves. We don’t judge here.

The point being that dialogue establishes not only the world around a character, but adds gravitas to the character themselves, and without it, they might as well be a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett, because seriously- what did that guy do in those two movies, except look cool and eventually get eaten by the Sarlacc, due to his literally flying into a ship, and then falling into its open maw like an Hors d’oeuvre? A set of circumstances which does not impress me, and most certainly, should not impress you, either.

However, McFarlane’s mission is seemingly not to impress, but to remind us all how a good story flows like mercury on Teflon when the utmost attention is given to how its protagonists interact, which provides a glimpse into the inner workings of a character’s inherent motivations and foibles.

McFarlane’s Captain Ed Mercer doesn’t possess the swagger of the iconic James T. Kirk as we might expect, due to McFarlane’s prominent influence as both a writer and the principal lead of the show, instead, he’s conscientious of his duty to the Union, prone to consistent acts of second-guessing himself at times, and faces challenges to his command that sometimes make me wonder if Kirk himself could find a resolution to them. Not to mention, the challenges of working alongside Palecki’s character Lt. Kelly Grayson, the ex-wife with whom he obviously is still very much in love with, a state of affairs that appears to be quite mutual.

It’s apparent from the pilot episode that Grayson is still very much in Ed’s corner, both out of her continued feelings for him and her sense of guilt for her role in the dissolution of their marriage, and despite the awkward tension prevalent within their professional relationship, she still believes in him and his ability to command nonetheless, even when he himself does not share that faith himself. This is established in the pivotal “The Road Not Taken” episode when after making first contact with Ed, and informing him of the present that was supposed to be, including the failure of their marriage, tells him how the battle for Earth [SPOILERS!!!] against the Kaylons in the original timeline was supposed to end:

Grayson: “Because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.”

Mercer: “Because I was captain?”
Grayson: “Yes.”
Mercer: “I stopped the Kaylon?”
Grayson: “Right.”
Mercer: “I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.”

However, within this very same episode, there’s a romantic interlude between Mercer and Grayson that given what we’ve been shown previously in respects to their past relationship, helps cast some further light upon the depth of their somewhat complicated relationship, irrespective of the events of the altered timeline, and it’s moments like these where McFarlane shows unexpected complexity and maturity regarding the development of the characters under his creative command:

Grayson: “Am I a terrible person that part of me wants this timeline to continue?”
Mercer: “You’re asking the wrong guy.”
Grayson: “In the middle of this nightmare universe, I’ve felt this weird sense of comfort being with you.”
Mercer: “Well, maybe we’ll fail.”
Grayson: “Have to go find someplace to live in secret.”
Mercer; “Some nice little house on a deserted planet.”
Grayson: “We could have a couple kids…boy and a girl.”
Mercer: “We’d have to learn how to farm, how to cook.”
Grayson: “Look at the sunset every night.”
Mercer: “…Look at you every morning.”

In no way, shape, or gelatinous form, would I ever label myself as a romantic, but if this brief moment of pure tenderness between two pivotal characters doesn’t kick you in the heart, then you are dead to me. Dead, I tell you. But if this beautifully written aside doesn’t get you right in the feels in the first place, then the odds are pretty good that you’ve been one of the departed for quite some time, and the people around you have been way too polite in not pointing this fact out.

I earlier referenced how sci-fi leans far too heavily sometimes on the threadbare tropes rife within its genre, and this exchange could have easily collapsed into that land of entrapment in the hands of a far less creative writer, but The Orville manages to pull it off without falling prey to the use of utopian treacle, a fact I truly admire as both a fanboy and writer myself. It’s a natural temptation for a writer to want to give the masses the expected happy ending, neatly wrapped up at the end of the show with a large bow, and call it done, but delightedly, The Orville doesn’t do that.

As we all know, Life is messy. Inconvenient at best. And full of both Pathos and Joy. Problems of the heart and the conscience aren’t handled cleanly in a 45-minute time span, and there’s no hard-set guarantee that every resolution will be classified as a winning stratagem in the end. Life and all of its components, demands a toll in the end, and this show recognizes that, far better than most.

Although it would be perfectly acceptable if not expected, to handle the interpersonal relationships on the show using all the creativity of a cookie-cutter, The Orville adroitly avoids this culturally palatable honeytrap by granting us the opportunity to really bond with its protagonists by making us feel personally vested in how the characters’ story-arcs rectify themselves. Whether it’s the heartache of watching Gordon fall in love with a generated hologram of a woman that’s been dead for 400 years, as presented in S1 Ep.11: “Lasting Impressions”,

or coming along for the utterly terrifying ride as Alara goes to extreme lengths to overcome a crippling deep-seated fear, as she successfully does in S1 Ep.10: “Firestorm”,

the show never fails in its objective to set the impression that we’re privileged enough to be watching these characters lives progress, albeit from the safety of whatever device we’re doing it from. And that my loyal readers, is how as a writer, you give life to what is inscribed. You make it both compelling and relatable, as I previously noted.

While much has been critically babbled regarding McFarlane’s not so subtle homage to his obvious inspirational wellspring, that being the optimistically humanistic Star Trek, created by the late Gene Roddenberry, it should be noted that once the awkward crawling toddler phase of the Orville’s launch had passed, it found it’s own voice and started tackling controversial topics in a way that due to the societal purposeful constraints of the time, that ST could not.

When viewed side by side, Orville has the ability to (pardon the cultural reference) approach topics at warp-speed, that would have gotten ST at its height of popularity, either heavily censored, or canceled outright.

In its two seasons thus far, the show has, using the ethereal shroud of entertainment as its guise, tackled the following sensitive topics: dealing with the fallout of adultery, taking charge when you don’t believe in your own ability to do so, the amorality of animal captivity, transgender rights, the birthright to one’s body autonomy, the danger inherent within unchecked religious zealotry, being forced to turn a mission of peace into an act of deadly sabotage in order to save the innocent lives of hundreds of thousands, the dangers that lie with relying on the power of social media to gauge how a society should govern itself, and the struggles of trying to balance a career and a healthy relationship.

 There’s a story regarding the age-old struggle of trying to win the approval and respect of your parents, coping with an emotional betrayal from someone you wholly trusted, the inanity of planning Life’s decisions based on the pitiful faux-science of astrology, a clever twist in regards to the decision of accepting who you truly are, which in turn, sets up a story of revolution with an angle that reminds one of the ongoing Palestine conflict, and the paradoxical question of what might be at risk if you were granted the foresight to see all of your future mistakes before they occur.

Not to mention, and I swear I’m not making this up, the unforeseen consequences of when one suffers from a severe case of holographic porn addiction. All I can say after watching all of this being laid out as if it were a banquet, is eat your heart out Star Trek, because McFarlane and his crew just dropped the tricorder, picked up a Bat’leth, and spanked you with it as if you were a Catullan.

Granted, this attitude comes from a place of love and respect of course, because in order to become a Master in your own right, you must first conquer the lands where your heroes reside, or their respective galaxies. Either/or. I’m just hoping McFarlane got all of his product licensing legalities squared away cleanly, because I’ve heard that the Orville Redenbacher crew can put you in a world of salty hurt, if you make the fatal mistake of double-crossing these buttered bad-boys.

Don’t let that friendly smile and bow tie fool you- this man was a real OP. Original Popper, that is. And you don’t know what badass is until you’ve been jacked up by somebody that The New York Times once described as “the agricultural visionary who all but single-handedly revolutionized the American popcorn industry.” I’m pretty sure if you cross these people, you’ll wake up with the head of Mr. Pringles in your bed, and Lord knows, nobody wants that. Even if it does taste like Ranch.
Now, as a fan of both ST and The Orville, I do wonder if it will ever achieve the same cultural impact over time that Star Trek once had, and which now if anything, seems to be going into that golden light as the first two generations of its core base join an aging demographic that has moved on to other forms of entertainment, if they haven’t passed on to Sto’Vo’Kor, just yet .

So, just for the sake of random argument, what do you think it’s long-term influence will be? Will its initial success spin off into several stand-alone movies of which only the even-numbered ones  will be any good, and in which, the characters we’ve come to love will be dressed as if they were Floridian swingers, like the first ST movie did,

or will there be a run of television series starting off with that eras Patrick Stewart, only to sadly jump the holographic shark with that eras Scott Bakula? Who in this photo, let’s face it, is far more interesting than the entire run of the show ever was.
One can only hope that if this vision of the Future ever comes to fruition, McFarlane learns from the mistakes of the past- no velour jumpsuits, hire a competent editor, buy a far better toupee than Shatner’s if necessary, don’t hire Kirstie Alley for any reason, whether it’s based in nostalgia or sympathy, and most certainly, skip all the odd numbered movies by saying they’ve already been made, and fell into the event horizon of a black hole. Trust me Seth, it’s science-fiction. No one will bother to check your math, if you manage to throw in a few Krill hotties moon-bathing in the background.


Just a creative suggestion on my part, a gift from me to you. And no, you don’t even have to thank me. All I might ask for is a small three-line walk-on part where my ass gets positively checked out by Grayson, and I’ll happily call it as all good.

Although I’d nicely request that she do so a little less bemusedly as she’s doing above. Not to sound ungrateful, but If I’m walking around in the Future being checked out by a prime Union star-babe, I’d like to come off as all badass. Not in the manner of a full-on space-Goth, but the wardrobe and makeup should be pretty damn close to vampirish. I have some additional notes, but they’ll keep until we do lunch. Someplace nice. With cloth napkins, no attached wheels, and most definitely, no cartoon mascot out front. And yes, I will work for scale, but my Per diem must cover the cost of a fridge in my trailer to chill my always stocked supply of Ding-Dongs.
Have your people call my imaginary people Seth, and we’ll work out the details for my cameo and close-ups. 

For those of you think that I’m prematurely waxing poetic about a show that has yet to truly prove itself, I see your point, and to a limited degree, can make a semblance of peace with it. However, I would counter with a personal opinion, based on nothing more than a gut feeling and the love that only a geeky sci-fi fan-boy (or fan-girl) can possess. There are many things people currently require currently at this moment, being one of the darkest chapters in American history. Not only are we still enmired in the fight for civil rights, albeit for minorities or the LGBQT community, we find ourselves battling as well and that, literally in the streets, against a disturbingly increasing fascist government and the complicit enablers who, with their willing support, embolden those in power past the pale of all insanity.

No matter where you may stand politically, I think we can all agree that it would be nice to have both a functioning government that responds to the need of its citizens, guided by a human-colored leader who doesn’t tweet about dishwasher water pressure and soup. That is of course when he’s not masturbating his ego and pushing conspiracy theories so ludicrously implausible that even L. Ron Hubbard would tell him to “put down the pipe”. And this is where I draw parallels between the Orville and its obvious role model, the iconic Star Trek.

When ST aired in September of 1966, the US was in roughly the same state we find ourselves in at present: riots and protests in regards to civil rights and the Vietnam War, an over-privileged ruling class that saw no issue with the income equality, misogyny, and systematical racism of the age that benefited them alone, and as is now, a government that used brutal and repressive tactics against its own citizens in its failed attempt to forego any form of everlasting societal restructuring. 

And in the midst of all this chaos, as if answering a clarion call, came Star Trek, a show where what kind of person you were was far more relevant to society than what you owned or how famous you might be. A slightly flawed vision of a Utopian society, ST nonetheless, challenged both the cultural norms and the constraints of its time to deliver a message of Hope and Unity to its audience, very much in the same way that the Orville currently does now. And just like its influenced spawn, ST did its best to offer a balanced commentary, if not a possible solution, to the ills plaguing society- sometimes with aplomb, and sometimes, with all the subtlety of a fleet of Mack trucks running down the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

“Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”, anybody?

Not that I condone driving through a choir comprised of in-tune Mormons, mind you. It’s just that I get really nervous whenever I see large groups of mostly white people wearing the same robes and singing songs about how awesome whatever they believe in is. There’s kind of a track history in this country regarding this sort of thing, and its not always for the better.

What set Trek truly apart however, was building on the formula that Rod Serling had pioneered with The Twilight Zone during its five-year run from 1959-1964, by “safely” discussing the prevalent issues of the day by presenting them as entertainment, and taking it one step further. In this case, literally into outer space, where instead of tackling stories set in ever-changing time periods and surroundings, as the Twilight Zone did, the series centered around a consistent cast of characters grounded to what became an iconic character itself, that being the USS Enterprise, which was essential in some fashion, to almost every tale that was spun.

No matter the tone of the story, be it serious: “The City on the Edge of Forever”,

or deliberately played for laughs: “The Trouble with Tribbles”,
ST had one nucleus that never altered or was watered down- the sense of diversity that defined the cast, as well as the fictional Federation of United Planets, in which they served with passionate distinction. Much has been rightfully noted about ST being the home of the first interracial kiss on TV between Kirk and Uhura, but ST’s best legacy is that it depicted a far better universe than what we’ve been currently inhabiting these days. In the world of ST, Hope just isn’t the pseudonym of an independent erotic dancing contractor, it’s what truly binds the Federation together.

And in the Orville, there’s a callback to that in S2 Ep.4: “Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes”, in which [SPOILERS!!!} Ed finds out that his relationship with introduced character Lt. Janel Tyler, played by actress Michaela McManus;

in actuality, is no more than a clever military ruse orchestrated by the Krill spy Teleya, (also played by McManus) a character introduced to us in S1 Ep.6: “Krill”, who was originally, a schoolteacher whose brother was killed by Ed and Gordon prior to Ed’s having to make the moral call of killing her crew in order to save an innocent colony targeted by the Krill, in an act of genocidal elimination.

Teleya coldly explains to Ed the reason why she was willing to go to such lengths to entrap him, despite the budding romance that was seemingly developing between them, is the fact that due to his actions, he altered her life and is the one most directly responsible for turning her into a soldier, justifying it all by saying; “The Anhkana teaches that that which is not of Krill is without soul. The truth of those words was reinforced when the Union killed my brother.”

The official motive however, versus the understandable one of personal revenge, is to force Ed to surrender by any means necessary, the Union’s access codes he carries, thereby eliminating the Union’s tactical advantage if and when the Krill choose to attack the Union directly. The plot takes yet another emotional twist, when due to the intervention of an unforeseen attack by a species called the Chak’tal, Ed and Teleya find themselves stranded on a remote planet after barely escaping the eventually destroyed Krill ship.

What makes this plot twist notable for me however, is not only does Teleya come to accept that in order to survive, she and Ed must become reluctant allies, but that in spite of her betrayal and regardless of her species, he still retains his feelings for her character, which are clearly revealed in this exchange:

Mercer: “I know fear when I see it. You’re afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.”

Teleya: “Who are you to lecture me about myths? You fell in love with a woman who did not exist.”
Mercer: “You know what? She did exist. For me, anyway. And I think that there is a lot more of her in you than you’re willing to admit. And if she is in there somewhere, tell her… tell her I miss her.”

However, the possibility is implied that in deference to her stated mission and protestations, Teleya may have some residual feelings for him as well. This is addressed when Ed, who is being held as a prisoner in a cave out of the sight of the Chak’tal who are combing the area looking for them by Teleya, announces that he is going to grab some sleep:

Mercer: “I’m gonna get some sleep.”
Teleya: “Lie on your side.”
Mercer: “What?”
Teleya: “When you sleep on your back, you snore… It is irritating.” [SIGHS]

After being rescued by Gordon and Bortus during a brief but intense firefight with the Chak’tal, Teleya is detained under the custody of the Union, until Ed makes the command decision to release her back to her own people, a conclusion that Grayson strongly disagrees with:

Grayson: “I want to go on record here: this is not right.”
Mercer: “Well, we’ll find out.”
Grayson: “Ed, she impersonated a Union officer, she abducted you, and she could’ve killed you.”
Mercer: “I’m alive now.”
Grayson: “That does not change the fact that she’s an enemy combatant.” This is for the admiralty to decide. You do not have the authority.”
Mercer: “Objection noted.”
Grayson: “You could be court-martialed.”
Mercer: “Noted.”

As the Krill ship arrives, Ed has one last aside with Janel/Teleya that perfectly encapsulates that while he truly believes that Hope just may be a specific trait as to where the human species is concerned, he’s also just as confident that the diverse species of the galaxy may, at some point, fall before its influence, even if for some of them, their very nature is to attack first, and ask absolutely no questions later.

Teleya: “If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.”
Mercer: “Defect of my species. We never give up hope. Just do me a favor, okay? Take a message back to your people: we can keep fighting each other, or we can talk.”
Teleya: “Very well.”
Mercer: “Oh. This is for you.”
Teleya; “What is it?”
Mercer: “Best of Billy Joel. And… if you ever get the itch to do movie night again, you know where to find me.”

The scene ends with Ed looking out a window as the Krill ship departs for its home-world, a somber moment underscored by Billy Joel’s “She’s Always a Woman ”, a song from 1977 that in the wrong creative hands, could have easily devolved into the hokey or overly saccharine, but it plays us off as very real, and just a touch painful, if one is to be honest. We’ve all been betrayed by someone we trusted at least once in our lives, so hopefully your experience wasn’t along the lines of “I was kidnapped by a bio-transformed Reptilian warrior bent on committing genocide against my species” kind of thing, but hey, there’s different strokes for different folks, I guess.

The definition of Hope is described within the Cambridge Dictionary as thus: “To want something to happen or to be true, and usually have a good reason to think that it might.” And that in my opinion, is what sets the Orville apart from most of its sci-fi contemporaries, by espousing a belief that given the options,

Mankind will always strive, even if it is done so begrudgingly, to do its best for the good of all, whether they deserve that understanding or not. And this in itself, is seemingly the message that the Orville reminds us that we all need to remember, especially in these, the darkest days we’ve faced as a country and as a people- that unity and diversity will always be stronger than those who traffic in hate and the mongering of fear, and that no matter what adversity we may face, we’ll only manage to kick its collective ass if we do it together as one.

 “A story only matters, I suspect, to the extent that the people in the story change.”- Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane


Hatetriot Lames Pt.4 (Ken you feel the love, too White?)

“If all men are made in God’s reflection, then why do some people continue to acknowledge only what is in their part of the mirror? If every man was created equal and in the image of God, then how can any man claim that one race is better than another?” – Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

 Hello Blogiteers!

How are you today? Happy? Hungry? Harried? Horrified? Consumed with Racist Hate, perhaps? Hopefully, it’s the first, and not the rest or hindmost, as it’s usually reserved for people allegedly cursed with an exceedingly limited humanity and intellect. This, as I noted in my previous screed, is one of the most abominable moral failures that sadly, Mankind has yet to eradicate. But even given the collective failure to excise this cancer from the world, we can still call it out, by casting the harshest of light on some of its most dedicated tiki-torchbearers.

This ties into the second half of my previous blogvella regarding some locally grown bigoted inanity, put on display for all to see by a person with a “broner” so rock hard for BLM and other racially sensitive issues, that an Etruscan shrew could use it as a chin-up bar.However, if you’re also wondering why I find myself yet again slogging through this fetid wasteland of a person’s psyche, it’s only because there’s still so much literary treasure just laying around, right in sight, and ripe for the snarking.

 As I’ve noted more than once, I love it when others do the heavy lifting, but I’m ever so grateful when they also decide to take it upon themselves to install all the terrazzo tile too. The least I can do in response to that I think, is to give them all the credit that they’ve truly earned. Because at my core, I like to think I’m a people person, if that fact hasn’t been made clear yet. And when I say people, I mean ALL PEOPLE, not just the ones that match my skin and political tone.

What I can’t and steadfastly refuse to abide, is those who are infused with idiocy, and who attempt to infect others with their particularly virulent strain of abominable belief. You want to hold on to the erroneous resolve that Ding Dongs are not the premier snack cake, that’s fine. We all can cling to our valued myths and incorrect valuations, as the children of Odin are apt to do, but my socially-imposed sense of civility goes right out the window when the main opinion that is offered up is such as this bigoted beauty, supposedly uttered by our hopefully soon to be replaced President, Donald J. Trump.

The alleged owner of a mushroom-dick, our national pariah once stated to author and his former president of Trump Plaza Hotel & Casino, John R. O’Donnell: “I have black guys counting my money… I hate it, the only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day. Laziness is a trait in blacks. It really is, I believe that.” It’s amazing how without even trying, he manages to score a prejudicial hat trick, albeit one that’s obviously red, and previously made in China.

I’ll admit, even I’m impressed- racism, ant-Semitism, and heightism in one concisely ignorant statement? Well done, my ever so repugnant Donny Dickless. Given such progressive thinking like that, I seriously have to question why the world at large assumes he’s a racist. A mystery for the ages, I guess. For as the popular meme states; “Donald Trump may not be a NAZI, but the NAZIs sure think he is.”

An assertion that with every vulgarity he foists upon us, causes most intellectually functioning Americans to wonder if he really does want their membership discount card and complimentary logo-emblazoned wife-beater, replete with matching hood, regardless of what he blathers. And to be fair, he does blather quite a lot, regardless of whether it’s appropriate to the situation or not, and more often than not, he’s probably lying when he does it. 

Oh, who am I kidding? He never stops lying. I’m not even sure if he knows how, quite honestly. Not that his base of cud-chewing lobotomized sheep care, if I were to state that which is fairly obvious. More than willing to sacrifice themselves on his Pyre of Pustulence, these walking intellectual voids survive and thrive on a steadily-fed diet of unfounded paranoia, acts of despicable victimization, xenophobia, and a sense of pride so strong in regards to their willing ignorance, it could easily qualify as religious faith.

To be fair, the cult of personality is an ages-old cultural phenomenon stretching back to the beginning of time, and if you need proof of this, just look at the fan club Jesus still has, and he’s nothing but a myth, Seriously. He hasn’t released anything new in forever, and he still gets treated like a top-shelf VIP?

Obviously, he must have the dirt on everybody. All that aside, it’s been a bad year for America and the world in general, and most of it can be laid at the imaginary bone-spurred hooves of our resident Liar-in-Chief, and the closest we have to a human analog for barely sentient Pumpkin Spice, Donald J. Trump. No matter the vileness of what he says, does, implies, or represents, his Heaven’s Gate cosplaying cult swallows it wholesale, without so much as a second or even a first, thought.

Actually, I take some of that back. Heaven’s Gate seems almost less insane, and it was once a San Diego based UFO cult, that committed mass suicide by ingesting poisoned applesauce(!) washed down with Vodka, over their collective belief that by doing so, they would find themselves brought aboard an extraterrestrial spacecraft that was following behind the Hale-Bopp Comet. The bodies of the thirty-nine persons were discovered by authorities (via an anonymous 9-11 call) identically dressed in black shirts and sweat pants, brand new black-and-white Nike Decades athletic shoes, wearing armband patches reading “Heaven’s Gate Away Team”, which just goes to prove the old maxim: once a Star Trek fan, always a Star Trek fan.

Despite this flippant observation of mine, this was truly tragic, as actress Nichelle Nichols, best known for her role as Uhura in the original Star Trek television series, sadly lost her brother Thomas to this abhorrent delusion. Prior to the mass suicide, the Heaven’s gate website posted this final message: “Hale-Bopp brings closure to Heaven’s Gate … Our 22 years of classroom here on planet Earth is finally coming to conclusion- ‘graduation’ from the Human Evolutionary Level. We are happily prepared to leave ‘this world’ and go with Ti’s crew.” Could this horrific event of mass psychosis be uncharitably described as “bats**t crazy”? Most certainly. Is it really minus the fashion cues and hopefully expected final destination, really that much askew from what the Trumpanzees believe? Not by much. If I were to be so blunt.

If one chooses to wade through the innumerable morass of mentally deficient mire masquerading as website pages lauding their Larded Lord, you’ll note that his faux-Christian followers will screech to the sky about his supposed faith, never minding the blatant contradictions that stand far and away from the outside lines of actual reality. Let me tell you, there ain’t no hate like Christian love. This faction of facetious Evangelicals will tell you that he was chosen by God to “save this cursed nation”, despite his consistent violations of the Ten Commandments, which it seems is only applied to the people they don’t like. Which, if taken in order, lists as thus:

ONE: “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” He only worships himself. Thw gut with the best brain,  words, education, and normal-sized hands. TWO: “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image”
He has to have his name on everything, and naturally, emblazoned in gold, the hue of the infamously blasphemous Calf, no less. Not to mention, he has dozens of portraits of himself. THREE: “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain” He uses the word “Godd**n” more than I do, and I use it a lot.

FOUR: “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy” He spends every Sunday golfing on our dime, rather than going to any church, unless it’s for a begrudging funeral visit or one of his embarrassingly transparent photo-ops. FIVE: “Honor thy Father and thy Mother.” He hardly ever mentions his parents, which just reinforces my belief he was summoned from Hell, rather than spawned from a human coupling combining flop sweat, Tequila, and a pre-nuptial agreement.  SIX: Thou shalt not kill”  200 hundred-thousand (plus) dead Americans thus far, anyone? 

SEVEN: “Thou shalt not commit adultery” Do I REALLY have to address this?  Because honestly, I shouldn’t really have to, given the rate this occurs with him. EIGHT: “Thou shalt not steal” This applies to girlfriends, money owed to employees and contractors, 9-11 funds to help small businesses, and in his case, most definitely the credit for anything good that Obama accomplished previously.  NINE: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor” Or to be more specific- political rivals, the alleged victims of his sexual assaults, veterans, the poor, immigrants, whistleblowers, former and current advisors, aides, donors, supporters, friends, doctors, medical professionals, science, scientists, sexual partners, the Free Press, and reality.

And finally,  TEN: “Thou shalt not covet” Including, but not limited to; uninterested women, other people’s property and goods, bragging rights about having NYC’s tallest building since the Towers fell, the credit for things you have not done or will do, and slavish worship for him  sitting on his fat ass and doing nothing to stop the spread of a highly contagious plague.

Granted, this tableau of hypocrisy as set by the disingenuous followers of a false God albeit Jesus or Trump, is truly repugnant, but it pales in all equal comparison as to the Orwellian doublethink his so-called “true compatriot” and “Q” fan club base are willing to hold inside those frighteningly empty maracas they call skulls.

To note; He’s the “patriot” who fraudulently dodged the draft five times and is so indebted to Russia, that he refuses to call them out for putting bounties on the heads of our soldiers. And I won’t even begin to list his slurs and disrespect directed at our honored war dead and Gold Star families. He’s the model of the “successful businessman” despite being legally involved in no less than 3.500 cases, ranging from allegations of fraud to unpaid loans and bills, as well as refusing to release his taxes and bank records, despite his numerous claims that he would. 

Factor in the swiftly crashing economy, and I think it’s a safe bet he always lost at Monopoly and Risk as a kid. He’s the “good father and doting husband” who’s also been married three times, two of those shams being to former mistresses, and who cuts checks to pornstars so they’ll f**k him, since his current wife won’t. And despite having no less than ten grandchildren, I have yet to see a single photo of him with any of them, which is somewhat odd, considering cute kids tend to be awesome props for most politicians.

 Hilariously, the disciples of the “Q” movement maintain that he’s the “only President” to ever take a stand against child trafficking, yet five well-known pedophiles have been solidly linked to his inner and intimate circle. And when it comes to his relationship with his daughter/side girl Ivanka, all I can say is WTF is that about, because I don’t recall my sister ever willingly doing a lap-dance for my dad,

There’s also the fact that despite two court orders to reunite them with their families, immigrant children are still dying in cages and being openly abused within ICE’s aspiring concentration camps. Forced hysterectomies, anyone? Because that’s an actual thing too. Not to mention… the man doesn’t even own a dog. And no, his son Eric doesn’t count.

But yet, his sociopathic core demographic remains loyal to a fault, no matter what evidence comes to light. For if he spews it, they’ll chew it. Their previous excuse for his massive character flaws used to be that “He’s not a politician”, as if being a walking venereal disease was a perfectly normal thing, but since they can’t even begin to defend his vulgarity, fraud, and cowardice, with a straight face any longer, they’ve now shifted to saying “I didn’t hire him to be nice, I hired him to get the job done.” 

If so, I’m positive it comes as a surprise to all of us that the job they wanted done entailed crashing the economy, embarrassing us on the world stage, debasing our once noble and strong democracy, deriding the Free Press as “the enemy of the people”, and as an unforeseen aside, helping kill through his sheer incompetence, over 200,000 of their fellow Americans.  Mission accomplished, so can the last person out the door remember to turn off the light inside the Statue of Liberty?

But yet, their loyalty remains as difficult to crack open as an Adamantium coconut, nestled between the legs of a Utah virgin. Don’t get me wrong, I admire loyalty, as it’s in very short supply these days, but JFC, couldn’t these pinheads of pussitude have chosen a far less embarrassing demagogue to blindly follow? You’ve got choices, people- Satan is always an excellent fallback, as not only does he have the best tunes, but the largest hot tub you’ve ever seen, and you just know the demon-women hanging out in it will be, no pun intended, smoking hot:
Sadly however, the company you’ll be forced to keep though, will leave much to be desired. Sure, I might wind up there due to the circumstances surrounding my infamous 1993 Mardi Gras trip to New Orleans, but that’s truly nothing compared to trying to cohabitate peacefully with these red-hatted troglodytes on this increasingly f**ked-up ball of compressed space dust.

This of course, brings me back round to finishing up a tale I started telling in my last screed, centered around a person whom if I ever found myself trapped in an elevator with, would cause me to pretend I didn’t know any English. This minor deception serving both as a way to stifle what would most certainly be at best, an awkwardly forced conversation, and as a means to irritate his allegedly inherent and vile tendency towards being racist.

Just because I’m confined in a small metal box with a living example of what happens when you leave an impressionable child alone with a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, and he takes the wrong lesson to heart, doesn’t mean I can’t create my own entertainment, now does it? Of course, it doesn’t. And who’s to say what is and what isn’t good wholesome fun for the entire family? It surely isn’t going to be me, for one.

So, without any further ado, let me reintroduce today’s previously used as a scratching post guest, a man who most likely refuses to shop on Black Friday because he truly believes that all Fridays matter, and who regards mayonnaise as not only a tasty condiment, but as a role model, and is most certainly, a person who won’t be attending or bringing his world-famous Vanilla cookies with its Whites-only icing to any upcoming BLM meetings anytime soon, the one, the only… MR. KEN CYKALA!!! 

[A cricket chirps. In the distance, a lone tumbleweed rolls by. Somewhere in the distance, a dog snores…]

 Sigh… we’ve talked about this, my loyal Blogiteers. No matter who finds themselves to be in the metaphorical gun-sights of this here Artbitch, we still treat them with a modicum of respect. After all, without them, who would serve as both my subject and inadvertent entertainment for you? See, you didn’t think of that, did you? Now, apologize to Ken for not valuing his serving as a bad example for the rest of us, the people who actually regard our fellow humans as worthy of dignity and respect.

Those two attributes however, are the first sacrifices ken made when he allegedly bought a first-class ticket to be a no-class racist aboard the Prejudice Express, an archaic and shabby train that no matter how much of its track gets ripped up, still manages to make regular stops in this country, most typically where any White person gets upset seeing African-Americans just going about their daily business. As if they have the right to do so. Oh, wait… THEY DO.

And no, Ken, you can’t speak to the manager, the cops, or even the hand, but the middle finger is more than happy to give you instructions on where to go. You know, very much in the manner of how you ignore reality, statistics, empirical evidence, and the basic understanding of why racial diversity is not only awesome, but crucial to maintaining a well-balanced society. But let’s be honest here Ken, you don’t want a racially harmonious Utopia, because your vision of what that represents is horrifying, at best.

 As noted in the last screed, you don’t want peace and justice in relation to the people whose point of view you find abominable, you just want them subservient to the concepts of indoctrination, control, and most important to you and your ilk- their silence. If the Republicans ever somehow managed to put forth their retooled version of the Great Society imitative proposed during the Lyndon Johnson era, the term “dystopian apocalypse” would still be far too mild to serve as an accurate descriptive.

Because for all their doubletalk of inclusivity and acceptance, they really don’t mean any of it, they just like taking the false credit for appearing open-minded as they attempt to steer public opinion towards the unregulated chasm they comfortably call home. And if you need any set-in concrete proof of this assertion…

 (Artbitch gestures wide to include well… everything.)

 However, I do have to give some begrudging credit to our currently spotlighted shlemming, (The end result of a sheep f**king a lemming.) because unlike most people who are this racially bent, admirably enough he’s a one-dick pony. I’ve yet to see any slurs targeting Asians, Native Americans, Pacific Islanders, Hawaiians, Alaskans, or Latinos, because for Ken, it’s always about those uppity African-Americans.

Now to be honest, I’m not entirely sure why Ken gets so mad when people of higher intellect say “Black Lives Matter”, since he claims to believe that “All Lives Matter”, and that does raise a question: where exactly Ken, were you and the rest of the “ALM” devotees between 1619 and today?

Because I’m pretty sure you could have come in handy at some point, if I dare be so bold. However, I’d like to hope that his underlying motivation isn’t based on either penis envy, or the fact he failed to make his dream of being a Michael Jackson impersonator in Las Vegas come true. Maybe it’s as simple as his being a willfully ignorant dullard, and we should leave it at that. However, if you’ve read my stuff for a while, you already know that I’m not known for “leaving it at that”, especially when someone lays out an entire buffet catered to my particular sensibilities.

After all, when someone goes to all that trouble to provide me with an abundance of both source material and a free lunch, turning it down would just translate as all shades of rude, and Lord knows, I wouldn’t want to damage my stellar reputation for being well-mannered. In order to maintain my merited position of respect within my leather-wrapped sniper’s perch, I’m going to follow my own well-established lead, and use Ken’s own words and postings yet again to establish my opinion that when he finally gets sick and tired of sharing his ignorance with total strangers from within his pillow fort located under the internet’s bed, he might want to take a few precious minutes to reevaluate just why a quirk of melanin makes his testicles retract into his colon.

But where to start? I don’t mean to sound or come across as ungrateful, but it’s truly vexing when you have been granted an amazing eight-course dinner, and the soup looks just as good as the *Frrrozen Haute Chocolate Ice Cream Sundae, which according to Guinness, due to its price of $25,000, is one of the most expensive desserts in the world.  Presented with a $14,000 jewel encrusted spoon, it is served in a 23-carat edible-gold-lined baccarat Harcourt crystal goblet, which just so happens to have an 18-carat gold- white diamond bracelet attached to it.

Adding to the decadence, there are no less than 14 of the world rarest and most expensive cocoas in its composition, as well as milk, ice cubes. whipped cream and La Madeline au Truffle shavings, which at $2,500 a pound, truly ups the ante.  And in a touch right out of a Roman banquet, it is topped off five grams of 24-carat edible gold, a final act of gross opulence, which I feel, just proves that some people have more cash than common sense.

Now in order to get the dialogue moving forward, let me just flip a coin and then choose what festering pile of white-supremacy inanity leaves we should all jump into. Alright, here we go. Oops. Let’s go for two out of three. Make that three out of four. Sorry, I meant five out of six. Or seven out of eight? Oh, f**k it- we’ll start with Ken’s full-on man-crush, and current cautionary tale as to what happens when somebody born with a silver spoon shoves it up his nose all the way to his brain, the one and fortunately only, mushroom-dicked Liar in Chief, Donald J. Trump. 

And per usual Artbitch modus operandi, I’ll be going through these piles of detestable intellectual failure disguised as one’s personal opinion, line by line.
I think it’s been fairly well-established that our lethargic pumpkin masquerading as a human, doesn’t have a “nice’ bone in his body. And the only one that could allegedly pass as such, requires him to put down a 130k deposit before anyone will touch it. And as far as “results” go, there’s nothing there to brag about either, unless you believe that his destroying the very fabric of America is an accomplishment worth extoling.

Add in that there’s; no border wall, no healthcare plan, no educational debt reduction, a quadrupled national deficit, job losses in the millions, failing economy, hundreds of protests, economic and justice inequality increasing, women’s body autonomy under threat, the LGBTQ community facing the guarantee of marginalization yet again. unhinged attacks on the Free Press, acts of fascism snowballing, civil and voting rights being menaced, science and its proponents being disparaged, to the peril of this country’s citizens, lack of leadership, lack of personal responsibility, terrifying lack of basic empathy, sympathy, and common decency, playing God with the lives of 329.5 million Americans, and Mephistopheles with 200 thousand plus, thus far.

Not to mention, a sense of stunningly proud ignorance, via consistent tweets filled with racist conspiracy theories, misogyny, and other random dog whistles designed specifically for his white supremacist followers, all broadcast from the safe-space of his toilet fort. But sure, Ken… you elected him to get “results”, and not because he loathes the same people you do.

Ken: “Fight with our minds! Fight with our actions! Fight for America! Fight for Trump!”

AB: Well, this doesn’t strike as disturbing to one’s psyche at all… sure it’s reminiscent in tone of the old NAZI slogan Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!”, which translates toOne People, one Country, one Leader!”, but I’m sure we don’t have to be concerned what sort of civil ramifications might ensue down the road, when all goes to Hell come the election.

Now as I noted earlier, Donald Trump may not be a NAZI, but the NAZIs sure think he is, and his supporters seem perfectly fine in regards to this, with nary a reasonable concern one way or the other. At this point however, I’m starting to form the opinion that while Ken isn’t prone to enacting the actual theorems that form the underpinning of NAZI ideology, he seemingly is perfectly fine with adopting if not openly promoting, the mindless mannerisms of a disciple of racist dipshittery.

Sadly, this new squad of *dachrinnenmüll is going to be disadvantaged right from the start, and not just because they collectively have the intellect of a urinal cake, No, the main problem here is that they lack a comprehensive uniform that showcases what they truly represent. Whenever I see one of these tiki-torch-tickling neo-fascist twats in their pressed khakis and polo shirts, I don’t ever think “there goes a defender of the White race”, but instead wonder where in the hell the Cobb salad I ordered twenty minutes ago is, and if I should just give the 15% tip directly to the Guatemalan busboy instead. *[Gutter garbage in German]

A party-torch, a red hat, and a propensity for bigoted bloviating, doesn’t make you a White Warrior, it makes you a f**king idiot, or in Ken’s situation, a fervent Trump supporter. But then again, I repeat myself.

Well, Ken is half-right here, as nothing Trump would ever do, could possibly earn my vote. Mainly, because if there was something that could, I’m confident it wouldn’t be his idea in the first place, and only after somebody else did all of the heavy lifting, would he claim the credit for it. As for the rest, Ken as usual, is not only flat wrong, but embarrassingly so.

To note: he conveniently forgot about the Victims of Trafficking and Violence Protection Act of 2000 (AKA: TVPA) which was passed into law in 2000 by Congress and signed by then President Clinton. This law, which is applicable to US citizens, also has the ability to authorize protections for undocumented immigrants who are victims of severe forms of trafficking and violence as well. In relation to the law, all our mango Man-child has done was reauthorize it, by simply rubber-stamping it through.

An action also performed by former presidents George Bush and Barrack Obama. And while Clinton has been tarred with a connection to notorious and now deceased child predator Jefferey Epstein, so has Trump. In fact, Trump has been linked to no less than five alleged sexual predators, that being: Jeffery Epstein, John Casablancas, Tevfik Arif, George Nader, and Ray Cohn. As if that wasn’t enough, there’s also Trumps own words that at best, come off as worthy of dissection, not only for their sheer creepiness, but for the obviously disturbed mindset behind it.

In a 1992 recording, a 46-year-old Trump asks a little girl if she’s going to go up an escalator. Trump then turns to the camera, and says, “I am going to be dating her in ten years. Can you believe it?” For clarity, Trump has never directly said that he has a sexual predilection for young girls, but his statements regarding them are truly inappropriate, no matter how you view them.

During a media interview, he was asked whether his (at that time) one-year old daughter Tiffany happened to look more like him or his then-wife, Marla Maples. He noted that she was “a really beautiful baby.” But then went straight from that into a creepy back alley when he followed up with: “She’s got Marla’s legs. We don’t know whether or not she’s got this part yet,” Trump said, simulating a pair of breasts over his own chest, “but time will tell.”

An appearance on shock-jock Howard Stern’s radio program led to his commenting on Paris Hilton looks, and his first impression of her: “Now, somebody who a lot of people don’t give credit to but is in actuality very beautiful is Paris Hilton. I’ve known Paris Hilton from the time she’s 12, her parents are friends of mine, and the first time I saw her she walked into the room and I said, ‘Who the hell is that?’ At 12, I wasn’t interested … but she was beautiful.”

Relax everybody, I’m sure it’s perfectly fine to let millions of strangers know that you weren’t interested sexually in a 12-year-old girl, right? Sure, it is. Man, if I had a dollar for every time my dad commented on a 12-year-olds sex appeal, I’d have…. not a f**king one, because that sh*t isn’t f**king normal. But even this gag-reflex testing moment seems almost quaint when you assess what he has said about his other daughter Ivanka. He has opined on several occasions that if his daughter Ivanka weren’t his daughter, he “might be dating her”, which is just goddamn weird, if not creepy as f**k. He was relatively impassive when Stern called her a “piece of ass” on air, just like any non-pedophilic American father would.

An equally troubling incident occurred during the presentation of the Miss Teen USA pageant in 1997, according to Brook Antoinette Mahealani Lee, who was at that time, holder of the Miss Universe title. Seated in the audience next to Trump, she claims that when Ivanka came out on stage as a host, he allegedly turned to her and said; “Don’t you think my daughter’s hot? She’s hot, right?” At the time, Ivanka was only 16.

Other than being her father which was bad enough, he was also 51, which just so happens to be my current age, and that just makes me want to projectile vomit. But as with all persons of low moral character, there’s always more to dredge, so I’ll close off this section with one last story regarding our sole protector of America’s children.

 In a 2016 interview with CBS television, former beauty queen Tasha Dixon had this to say about her interaction with Trump during the 2001 Miss USA pageant: “Our first introduction to him was when we were at the dress rehearsal and half naked changing into our bikinis. He just came strolling right in. There was no second to put a robe on or any sort of clothing or anything.

Some girls were topless. Other girls were naked.”
In addition, she claimed that people who worked for Trump “pressured” the women to “fawn over him, go walk up to him, talk to him, get his attention” while still not fully dressed. “I’m telling you Donald Trump owned the pageant for the reasons to utilize his power to get around beautiful women,” she added. “Who do you complain to? He owns the pageant. There’s no one to complain to. Everyone there works for him.” 

Trump confirmed as much during an appearance in April of 2005 on Sterns show, and I’ll just let our groper in chief speak for himself, as he likes to do: “I’ll go backstage before a show and everyone’s getting dressed and ready and everything else. And you know, no men are anywhere. And I’m allowed to go in because I’m the owner of the pageant. And therefore, I’m inspecting it. You know I’m inspecting it. I want to make sure everything is good.”
Stern: “You’re like a doctor.”
“Is everyone OK? You know they’re standing there with no clothes. Is everybody OK? And you see these incredible looking women. And so, I sort of get away with things like that.”

But this is the guy who Ken thinks will stop the sex trafficking of children? Sure, Jan. That fits. The only interest Trump has in stopping the trafficking of children in my sole opinion, is to make sure he doesn’t have any competition when he’s shopping for a new mistress.

Ken: (via Angela Stanton King) “Trump isn’t running against Biden. He’s running against the Clinton’s, Obama’s, CNN, NBC, MSN, ABC, NPR, BLM, ANTIFA, Soros, etc. It’s TRUMP vs SATAN.”
AB: I’m going to be honest here. Whenever I read statements like this, regardless of the person’s political affiliation, it makes me wonder just how much tin-foil has been stored inside their pre-fab survival bunker, and how many hats they’ve made from it.

I mean, it’s one thing to question who’s running against your candidate, but to actually think a mythical scapegoat has taken the time off to get involved in thwarting them is just pure egotism. While it’s understandable that one could draw parallels between the Media and how your candidate is portrayed, it’s sheer lunacy to think that this vulgarian who’s the closest this country has ever come to having its very own Boy from Brazil in charge, hasn’t allied themselves with the Prince of Darkness, as a rule.

In fact, I have it on pretty good authority that Satan is sick and tired of being blamed for this political aberration, as he’s got so many irons in the proverbial fire already, and wouldn’t waste his time with a person so morally rudderless, even he’s repulsed by him..

However, my favorite part of this idiocy is the mentioning of the boogeymen that keep conservatives locked in a perpetual cycle of fear and loathing. Other than the fact that the aforementioned people aren’t in office, have no official power, and are private citizens, the fear they still are able to generate is truly impressive, nonetheless.

To be clear, conservatives don’t hate this assemblage because of what they’ve done or will do, they hate them because they have the qualities conservatives lack- competence, empathy, humanity, and intellectual depth, along with an aura of personal charm they can only dream of. Because even though Trump and Bill have had many separate adventures in the fantastical kingdom of adultery, Bill is still the only one that never had to cut a check to get someone to shake the sheets with him.

And Ken knows it, which is why the mere thought of these people still having the public’s respect and admiration, burns him up so much.

Ken: “If you are not voting for Trump, it is because you have been brainwashed by the media, the liberals & the DC establishment.”

AB: Yes… that must be the reason why. It’s not his being an incompetent, uninformed, cravenly, narcissistic, egotistical, lying, racist, misogynistic, treasonous, xenophobic, lecherous, science-denying, homophobic, adulterous, draft-dodging, whiny wannabe tin-plated fascist at all, so much as it is the fault of an evil entity.

Yes, it juat has to be the media and the shadow government cabal that strapped me to a chair in a semi-darkened basement and through the use of tactfully applied cattle prods and chilled Ding Dongs, made me think I’d rather sit through a week of watching Chuck Norris and Tommy Wiseau interpret the collected works of William Shakespeare, rather than ever think of casting a vote for Trump. It’s at this point that I might opine that Ken and Reality have never met, but I think it’s far more apt to suggest that’s only because whenever Reality sees Ken walking towards her, she pretends to be on a very important phone call.

Ken: “Wake up America. This was all orchestrated by the extreme left to bring this country and Pres. Trump down and to open the doors of Socialism. Remember you have the right to protect your friends, families, property & community by any means necessary. Make sure you are prepared. This was all planned:- Russian Collusion- Mueller report- Impeachment-Covid 19-Organized Riots”
AB: Man oh man… if “Q” ever needs an official mascot, I would totally recommend Ken, and not just because he’s got those rugged American good looks we all wish we were born with. Granted, while he may have gotten the visual advantage, we were fortunate enough to be blessed with actual working intellects, and besides, we can always get elective plastic surgery to compensate for our shortcomings.

But there’s a seven-layer cake of paranoia to deconstruct here, so let’s get right to it. First off, I’m not entirely sure how the “extreme left” managed to convince every other country on Earth to willingly collaborate with their Machiavellian plan to usurp power from an overly spray-tanned failed game show host, but I’m sure Ken has a conspiracy chart complete with intersecting strings set up in his bathroom to tell us all how to get “woke” when the time comes. 

However, he is correct regarding the fact that you have the right to protect your loved ones and all that encompasses, within reason of course, but it’s somewhat unclear what threat Ken thinks they’ll be facing that would require a physical response. As an entrenched suburbanite, let me assure you the only thing I fear are the glut of missionaries knocking on my front door, and when an adorable child shows up selling candy for their school, because as anybody who knows me will tell you, I’m gonna be buying 25 dollars’ worth of chocolate that I could get at Walmart for five bucks.

What Ken seems to conveniently forget once again however, is the fact that if he and his similarly-minded buttheads-in-arms ever become America’s last line of defense, we’d be better off surrendering and handing over the keys to whomever is battling us, albeit the Russians or as I’m hoping for, the armies of Princess Aura, AKA: the daughter of Ming the Merciless, because let’s face it, she’s far easier on the eyes than Trump’s currently rented fembot, Melania, if not significantly smarter, too. And I will gladly admit, I’m more than happy to play “captive earth-man and the space princess” however long she requires me to do so.
That delightful thought aside, I must address the rest of Ken’s fever dream, and as usual, I will do so using facts, which to Ken, seem akin as the parables within the Bible are to Donald Trump, but I digress.

To start, the fallout from the Mueller Investigation has resulted in (at this time) seven convictions of close Trump associates, no less than 34 indictments, asset seizures estimated to be in the range of 46 million, and most importantly- two history-making counts of impeachment knotted tightly around Trump’s neck, for Abuse of Power and Obstruction of Justice. That’s a pretty good return on a leftist plot, let me tell you. At best, we usually just break even,

 But there’s more! When it comes to the Pandemic, Ken also puzzlingly ignores the established timeline of how the Fanta Flubber managed the information regarding it. On Feb. 28, 2020, at yet another one of his innumerable ego-stroke rallies hosted in South Carolina, he compared the valid criticism of his mismanaging the spread of the virus by Democrats to their attempts to impeach him by saying; “this is their new hoax.

At the time, he also attempted to verbally soften the virality of COVID-19, by comparing it to the common flu. This flippancy occurred prior to his rambling (on tape) to noted Watergate journalist Bob Woodward in April, the following snippets of accidental truth:

“Bob, it’s so easily transmissible, you wouldn’t even believe it,I mean, you could be in the room… I was in the White House a couple of days ago, meeting with 10 people in the Oval Office and a guy sneezed, innocently. Not a horrible- just a sneeze.

The entire room bailed out, OK? Including me, by the way.” “This is deadly stuff, You just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed. And so that’s a very tricky one. That’s a very delicate one. It’s also more deadly than even your strenuous flu.”

I wanted to always play it down, I still like playing it down, because I don’t want to create a panic.” And most chillingly; “This thing is a killer if it gets you. If you’re the wrong person, you don’t have a chance.” “It’s a plague.”

But for further detail that Ken deliberately overlooked in order to comfortably masturbate to his own obliviousness, let’s call up that established timeline I referenced earlier: JAN. 22: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person, coming in from China. It’s going to be just fine.” JAN. 24: “China has been working very hard to contain the Coronavirus. The United States greatly appreciates their efforts and transparency. It will all work out well. In particular, on behalf of the American People, I want to thank President Xi!”

JAN. 30: “Hopefully it won’t be as bad as some people think it could be. But we’re working very closely with them and with a lot of other people and a lot of other countries. And we think we have it very well under control.” FEB. 10: “I think the virus is going to be- it’s going to be fine.” FEB. 26:The 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero… This is a flu. This is like a flu.”

MAR. 6: “You have to be calm. It’ll go away.” MAR. 7: “No, I’m not concerned at all. No, I’m not. No, we’ve done a great job.” MAR. 13: “We’ve done a great job because we acted quickly. We acted early. And there’s nothing we could have done that was better than closing our borders to highly infected areas.”  And so on, ad nausea, resulting in two final quotes showcasing exactly how much of an incompetent jackass this man really is- again;

MAR, 13:No, I don’t take responsibility at all, we were given a set of circumstances…it wasn’t meant for this kind of an event with the kind of numbers that we’re talking about.”  SEPT: “They are dying. That’s true. And you- it is what it is, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t doing everything we can. It’s under control as much as you can control it.”

But yeah… Kenny Cheez Whiz, this is all the fault of the Left. And as for the “riots” Ken misses the point of? I already covered why they’re occurring in the last piece I wrote, so I’m not gonna waste my time beating a brain-dead honky into dust. Not too surprisingly, given Ken’s insistence that “All Lives Matter”, he’s also a proponent of the idiom that “Blue Lives Matter”, which to my great dismay, isn’t about Smurfs, but cops instead, which is just idiotic.

Why, you ask? Well, first off, “Blue” isn’t an actual race. unless you count the aforementioned Smurfs and whatever the heck the Diva Plavalaguna is in the Fifth Element. It’s a job, no more, no less.

And while it is a dangerous one at times, it’s also an occupation that’s a personal choice, not a mandatory career forced upon you at the moment of your birth as if you were a bee. Sorry/not sorry. When I was a kid, I had great respect for police in general, but now, as a man in his early fifties? Not so much.

In fact, it’s as close to zilch as one can get without saying the word itself. This is due partially to how today’s police force views the general public with outright contemptuous hostility, and how they’ve manifested that attitude with progressively aggressive behavior towards the citizens they’re sworn to protect and the militarization of basic tactics and uniforms that call to mind Seal Team 6 on a drunken staycation.

This is not to say that all cops are “bad”, but if the ones who self-deem as “good” allow those who violate their code of ethics to continue operating without consequence, aren’t they indeed in the end, “bad”?

That answer is “yes” by the way, for those of you with ambiguous morality. But not according to Ken, no siree Bob. For it seems that everyone who has ever been mistreated, assaulted, maimed, crippled, blinded, or outright murdered by the boy-band in blue is without question, 100% at fault,

Every time. Especially if they’re African-American. and don’t you dare even think of using validated eye-witness testimony, bystander cell-phone video, or the cops’ own body-cam footage to say otherwise, because Ken, our resident middle-aged jar of rancid mayonnaise, is here to set you walking down the White path regarding your erroneous opinion.

And since he is such a helpful sort, he was nice enough to provide the evidence necessary to back up my opinion yet again. Someday, I’m going to have to buy him a BLM gift pack (t-shirt, bumper stickers, and house flag) so that I can thank him appropriately, but the thought of him wearing that shirt at the next pro-Blue Klux Klan rally he attends, fills me with such glee, no thanks are necessary:

Ken: Common factor in the police shootings. The victims resisted. Maybe officers’ instructions should be followed.”

AB: “I’ll take “THINGS KEN IS WRONG ANOUT YET AGAIN” for $300, Alex.” To this I say, go f**k yourself with a sandpaper-lined Fleshlight, Ken. Philandro Castile was following orders. Breonna Taylor who was unarmed, and was murdered in her own hallway.

Tamir Rice was twelve years old and playing in a park with a toy gun, and was shot dead as the officer exited his cruiser with no prior interaction. In Utah, an unarmed autistic thirteen-year-old named Linden Cameron was fired upon no less than eleven times as he ran away from police officers who were responding to a call that he required a mental health intervention.

George Floyd was laying on the ground handcuffed for a suspected crime, as a 200lb+ police officer knelt on his neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds. Despite Floyd’s complaining about being unable to breathe, the officer refused to lift his knee until he was ordered to do so by paramedics. An autopsy concluded that “evidence is consistent with mechanical asphyxia as the cause of death.

Atatiana Koquice Jefferson was shot while in her own home, after a neighbor called a non-emergency number, stating that Jefferson’s front door was open. Rather than knock on said door, police crept around the house, leading to her picking up a legally registered gun on the belief that she had a prowler, and was shot dead through a window in front of her six-year-old nephew.

Stephon Clark was standing in his grandmother’s back yard holding a cell-phone, when a cadre of trained by sea-monkey police officers dispensed 20 rounds, killing him. He was not being pursued or suspected of a crime by said blue thugs, but nobody was ever charged with his murder.

 And if you didn’t notice, Ken never once calls these unfortunate souls “perpetrators”, or “convicted criminals”, nope… Ken says “victims”, a Freudian slip which just goes to show that despite his assertions they got what they deserved, even he knows he’s full of s**t in trying to defend this ever-growing list of executions by cops.

Ken: “If you don’t listen to a police officer’s orders, what happens to you is your fault. No matter what color your skin is.”
AB: I think I just established that’s garbage, but since you’re as sharp as a marshmallow Ken, I’ll provide an example as to why you’re incorrect once more. On July 18, 2016, Charles Kinsey, a mental health specialist, had been in the middle of reacquiring a severely autistic patient named Arnaldo Rios Soto, who had run away from his group home, when the duo came into contact with Miami police officers who later claimed that they were searching for an armed suicidal man.

In the incident caught on video, Kinsey was lying on the ground with his hands in the air, as he clearly informed officers whom he and his patient were, when he was shot without any form of justifiable cause. The officer who shot Kinsey said his intent was to shoot Kinsey’s non-interactive patient, who was doing nothing more than playing with a TOY TRUCK, and which despite being obviously so, was “misidentified” as a gun, which the police claimed was “threatening” Kinsey.

Because as we all know, not only do modern guns come with wheels, but the best way to save a hostage is to kill them, in a means to take away the leverage of the kidnapper. Following the shooting, Kinsey was handcuffed and left bleeding from a leg wound, for close to twenty minutes without police giving him medical aid. The outcome?Thankfully, Kinsey survived, and the officer who shot Kinsey, Jonathan Aledda, was arrested, and formally charged with attempted manslaughter and negligence.

However, despite his being found guilty of said negligence charge some two years later, he had not been officially fired from the force until a day after the verdict was reached, and infuriatingly, did not serve any prison time for his actions. In a move that screams “the laws don’t apply to us”, he was sentenced to probation and asked to write [seriously?] a 2,500-word essay on policing, because I guess attempted murder can now be forgiven with an English class assignment. In the end, Aledda was released after serving less than 5 months of probation.

Adding insult to Kinsey’s literal injury, Aledda’s conviction also will not appear on his criminal record. Kinsey eventually settled a federal lawsuit with the City of North Miami regarding Aledda’s incompetent actions for an undisclosed amount, and hopefully, Aledda will never be given any form of authority ever again. Now, while the statistic that Whites get shot by police at a far greater rate than African Americans is true, it should also be noted that African-Americans have a five-time higher percentage of being shot for far lesser activities in the first place.

It’s amazing to me how these officers will “fear for their life” when an African-American is doing nothing more than walking down a street, but are as equally comfortable arresting a mass shooter armed to the teeth, who just so happens to be White. Quirk of the Universe, I guess?Ken: “Deep thought… Do you think the chance of being murdered by a police officer could be reduced to nearly zero by simlpy staying out of trouble to begin with?”

AB: a couple of boxes to unwrap here, Ken. First, the only thing “deep” about you in my humble opinion, is your ignorance and racist predilections. And as the previous responses show, I’m not entirely sure how a woman sleeping in her own bed somehow constitutes either a crime or a death sentence. But nice Freudian slip there, buddy. You didn’t say “shot” or “killed” or even the action-movie cliché of “exterminated”. No, you said “murdered”, which once again, just shows that you and your so-called POV are as relevant to the modern-day racial equality discussion as your application to MENSA was

Ken: “Today justice was served in Louisville Ky.  No officers were indicted in the death of Breonna Taylor.  If you don’t like the law then work to change it.  The officers were only following the terms of the No-knock Warrant issued by a Judge. In the United States, a no-knock warrant is a warrant issued by a judge that allows law enforcement to enter a property without immediate prior notification of the residents, such as by knocking or ringing a doorbell. In most cases, law enforcement will identify themselves just before they forcefully enter the property. It is issued under the belief that any evidence they hope to find can be destroyed during the time that police identify themselves and the time they secure the area, or in the event where there is a large perceived threat to officer safety during the execution of the warrant.”

AB: Sigh… somewhere out there is a public school that’s responsible for this jackboot-licking dips**t, and we either need to fund it adequately, or close it down for the good of the local community. The police raid that killed Breonna Taylor was flawed from the start, and here’s why: Breonna Taylor, a 26-year-old Black woman, was murdered in cold blood in her own apartment by three officers from the Louisville Metro Police whose name are Jonathan Mattingly, Brett Hankison, and Myles Cosgrove. Serving a search warrant for her ex-boyfriend Jamarcus Glover, an individual they ALREADY HAD IN CUSTODY. After entering the apartment wearing plainclothes, they were met by Taylor’s current boyfriend Kenneth Walker, who under the impression that they were intruders, fired at them, causing a flesh wound on officer Mattingly’s leg, although this assertion may also be incorrect, due to contradictory ballistic evidence that has been unearthed as of late. In return, the officers fired 32 shots in return, missing Walker entirely, but six of those found Taylor in a hallway and ended her life.

Hankison alone was fired by the LMP not for his part in murdering her, but for his thoughtlessly pumping ammo through the covered patio door and window of Taylor’s apartment, an action of aggression which has led to three charges of wanton endangerment for endangering a neighbor with his shots. Essentially, he’s being prosecuted not for her murder, but for the fact he failed to add more lead to her body. The city quickly coughed up $12 million and promised to restructure their policies, but the two other officers involved in the raid were not indicted, because apparently, they feared her bed’s throw pillows and were justified in pretending they were playing Call of Duty for keeps.

And about that “no-knock” warrant?

 To acquire said warrant, an LMP detective claimed in a sworn affidavit that he’d seen Glover, who was arrested the SAME NIGHT TEN MILES AWAY, leaving Taylor’s apartment two months prior with a package before his arrival at a “known drug house.” The same detective affirmed that he had verified that Glover had been receiving “packages of interest” at Taylor’s home “through a US Postal Inspector”. Unfortunately, for this allegedly lying sack of pork rinds, Tony Gooden, the U.S. postal inspector in Louisville, told WDRB News that not only hadn’t the LMP used his office to authenticate this information, but stated that an altogether agency had asked in January to look into this allegation, to which his office concluded there was no validity.

Not surprisingly given this volatile information, the police and right-wing media moved swiftly on a campaign of disinformation to smear Taylor’s character, leaning on her ex to besmirch her good name by bolstering their claim that she was involved with Glover’s criminal activities. According to Glover; “The police are trying to make it out to be my fault and turning the whole community out here making it look like I brought this to Breonna’s door, there was nothing never there or anything ever there, and at the end of the day, they went about it the wrong way and lied on that search warrant and shot that girl out there,”

 So to recap; badged thugs wearing street clothes, under the auspices of a warrant they obtained under false pretense, entered a home, and while carelessly firing bullets as if they were free, murdered one of its occupants in cold blood, and subsequently tried to frame her boyfriend, then tried to blame the victim for her own death by attempting to pressure the ex-boyfriend to lie about her, and when that failed, proceeded to not charge her executioners with murder. But once again, and at the very least, she was guilty of being Black, so that makes her death just another corpse to add to the police’s ever-growing collection  of dead citizens as they mouth platitudes and swear they’ll get it right next time. I’m sure they will. Hopefully however, it won’t be at your house Ken, if they don’t. And if it is, I’m certain they’ll openly take the blame for it, because that is so their thing, right?

 You just better pray they knock first.

I have to tell you, reading Ken’s mash notes to the Blue Bacon Brigade is definitely an eye opener as to the purity of Ken’s belief in Law and Order. The takeaway here being; follow commands, do what you’re told, and if you get hurt… well, that’s all on you. And if I wanted to hurl a surprise can of gasoline into the fire, I actually agree with this view in principle, limited as that may be. The difference being that if you’re dumb enough to use deadly force against a cop, not only did you “ask for it” regarding whatever action they take next, you insisted that it be gift wrapped as well. But that’s where the line is. you don’t derive a beat-down or death, for running your mouth, refusing to show ID, selling loose cigarettes, jaywalking, sleeping in your own home, playing in a park, exercising your constitutional rights, or shoplifting. But per his normal penchant for whitewashing, Ken can never get away clean. It just wouldn’t feel right if he didn’t throw a last touch of hypocrisy upon the moldering mound of mendacity we’ve all come to expect from him. And yes, here it comes.

Ken: “Only in America you get a pass for rioting, burning down buildings, assaulting law enforcement officers and not wearing masks in large gatherings, but you get arrested for not wearing a mask, even though you were following the state mask mandate. SHE WAS MORE THAN 6 FEET FROM THE NEXT GROUP OF PEOPLE. All individuals in Ohio must wear facial coverings in public at all times when: At an indoor location that is not a residence Outdoors, but unable to maintain six-foot social distance from people who are not household members Waiting for, riding, driving, or operating public transportation, such as a taxi, a car service, or a private car used for ride-sharing.”

 AB: Oh Ken… what did punctuation ever do to you as a child? I only ask because this rant reads less than an opinion and more like the sort of babble that happens when White people discover that they too, can win stupid prizes for playing stupid games. Now, I’m sure there must be a rationalization for Ken’s soon-to-be-discussed hypocrisy here, so let’s dig in to what happened. The Karen pictured here wearing complimentary locking friendship bracelets, goes by the name of Alecia Kitts, and is an Ohio mother of two, who now faces two charges due to the incident: resisting arrest, which is a second-degree misdemeanor, and criminal trespassing, a fourth-degree misdemeanor. The big hullabaloo started when Kitts, who was sitting in the bleachers attending a middle school football game, was confronted by a school resource officer over her lack of a face mask.

This led to Kitts claiming (without proof) that she couldn’t wear one, due to her “asthma”, which in most cases, is total bupkus, according to Stukus. That being Dr. David Stukus, a member of the Medical Scientific Council for the Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America who says; “For people with very mild asthma or well-controlled asthma, it’s probably not going to be an issue, For people who have very severe disease and have frequent exacerbations, ER visits, hospitalizations, require lots of medications and frequent symptoms, it might cause more issues for those folks.”

 After this still as yet unproven clam of medical frailty, Kitts was asked to leave due to her violating the school’s COVID-19 policy, and when she failed to comply, was subsequently ejected as a trespasser. In response to this valid expulsion, Kitts responded in a fashion that is completely in line with someone who has a supposed history of breathing problems, that being the decision to engage in a strenuously physical altercation with an officer of the law. Cell-phone video of the same shows Kitts fighting with the officer (also known in cop parlance as “resisting arrest”) as he scuffles for nearly two minutes to handcuff her before deploying his Taser to her right shoulder, after which, he escorts her out of the bleachers.

A minor detail escapes me here… what was it Ken said previously regarding following the orders of the police? Gosh, it’s so fuzzy… almost impossible to recall, darn my middle-aged memory. Oh wait, here it is, I just had to look in the right place. He said, and I quote: “If you don’t listen to a police officer’s orders, what happens to you is your fault. No matter what color your skin is.” If I may, let me just point out a few notes that Ken forgot to jot down in his indignation. A school, like any other business that serves the general public, is a private entity, and can legally set in place any policies that it wants regarding behavior and other such protocols, such as penalties for violating those guidelines. The police who are oft hired by those entities, are allowed by way of their granted authority, to enforce both the various private regulations along with the civil ones as well, and when you’re told to get off private property by a representative of such, it’s not open for debate, no matter how offended you are or how absurd you view it as.

 I’m fairly certain if we all crashed one of Ken’s bigoted brunches and demanded he cater to our every undeserved whim, the final consequences for doing so wouldn’t be open to a balanced peer review. And I’m most certain Ken wouldn’t accept being physically attacked for it, either. But yet for Ken, this reality goes right out the window when it comes to aiding in the defense of these combative Caucasian Karens when they are caught violating the law. So, she was trespassing and assaulted a cop? How dare she be held to account for her actions, as the cop ignores that Black family over there, doing White people things. And in public, no less. I’d bet even money that if this woman had been African-American, Ken would be playing all the racist classics- “should have listened”, “should have followed/known the rules”, “shouldn’t have picked a fight a cop”, “those people are just thugs and criminals to begin with”, “you just know they have a record”, and my personal favorite: “why can’t they just follow the rules like we do?”. Yeah, that sounds about White, I guess.

However, Ken’s obsessions don’t just stop with Trump and badged thugs, he’s got quite the thing for conspiracies involving the Media as well. Ken doesn’t believe for one second in the veracity of the mainstream, but he’s definitely a regular swimmer within the lamestream. It’s just a shame he’s swallowed so much of the Kool-Ade as he’s done so.

 Cue the obligatory Media memes!!!

Ken; “Who all, other than me, thinks that the Media is Responsible for Promoting Racial Violence in this Country

AB: If you’re referring to Right-wing media stoking the racist fires by abusing the concept of identity politics, then you, my marginal sir, are 100% correct in your belief. However, if you’re attempting to slur the Left as equally culpable, then you missed the turnoff to The Obvious Point by more than a few miles. By way of example, FOX, which is at best, yellow journalism weaponized to serve as a propaganda department for our Craven-in Chief, plays the White Fear card so consistently, I’m amazed that its mentally-challenged viewership has enough sack to attend all those rallies, what with those packs of murderous Antifa and BLM thugs so openly ravaging the suburbs and all. And I could note the various other sites such as QAnon and Breitbart, along with a handful of others that cater to the lowest denominator of the intellectually void, but when it comes to being the OG of BS, FOX is the trendsetter. When they’re not promoting their imaginary “war” against the four cornerstones of the Right-wing demographic, that being Conservatives, Christmas, Cops, and Christianity.

Typically, they can usually be found selectively editing the cherry-picked American history they promote regarding the inherent racism that was built into the founding pillars of our social and economic infrastructure. And when it comes to the fight for civil rights, they’ll be ever so quick to let you know that the one group always under continuous threat and that needs champions the most, are Whites. Specifically, White men. You ladies just need to get your asses back in the kitchen and make us a sandwich, before we take away your right to speak to us without our permission first.

Now to be fair, FOX News isn’t solely responsible for germinating these bigoted tactics, but they do keep them alive, much in the way that Dr. Frankenstein might, if he had gotten his medical degree from Trump University. However, when the topic of discussion is that of immigrants, regardless of their legal status, that’s when FOX becomes your racist uncle going off during Thanksgiving dinner. FOX regularly allows its show hosts and their bigoted guests, primarily charlatans habitually described as “experts”, almost total free reign in how they construct their narrative of an America being overrun by violent crime, disease, and cultural influences inflicted upon us by persons intent on destroying our previously unblemished country. And even worse, these sub-humans vote Democratic, which is what really scares them the most.

If this sounds at all familiar, it’s probably because this is a page straight out of Hitler’s playbook for 1933 Germany, and we all know where that went. Such parallels however, are routinely dismissed by FOX’s cadre of Tokyo Roses’ who regularly engage in gaslighting to create a false sense of validity, in an attempt to normalize their abominable worldview. But the Left isn’t clear of this, not by a long shot. After all, I did see a segment on MSNBC once that suggested adding pineapple to a pizza, and any group of sociopaths who would openly encourage that, must be stopped for the common good at all costs.

Ken: “China spread the disease. Democrats spread the lies. Media spread the panic. They crashed the economy. All to destroy our President.”

AB: If someone ever figures out how to charge rent for the conspiracy-based victimization that most Trump supporters live under 24/7, they’re going to have a bank account balance that Jeff Bezos can only dream of touching himself to. To be clear, what Dudley Dipstick is suggesting here, is that a country that Trump and his daughter/side-girl still do personal business with, is responsible for his inaction to halt its effect, in conjunction with Democrats who, using nothing other than the accumulating scientific data, fell in lockstep with the “Media” in order to crash our economy, an obvious ruse designed to make our racist, vulgar, sexually predating, porn-star affair underwriting, lecherous, lying, cravenly, incompetent, ineffectual, narcissistic, misogynistic, aspiring-fascist egomaniac Commander-in Grief look… “bad”. I’m gonna admit I’m at a loss here. I don’t know if I should welcome Ken into the world of creative writing, or hastily assemble his family and remaining friends to stage a desperately needed intervention.

We’ve all heard the phrase ”put down the pipe”, but in his case, I think that should be modified to “put down the remote control, and cancel your internet.” I know this comes as a terrible shock to you Ken, but if there is one arena your President shines far and away like a star in, it’s making himself look bad without assistance. He may just be the bestest at it, a skillset so bigly, that no one in history may ever get close to matching, much less surpassing.

 Speaking of unfounded bigliness…

Ken: “Day 1 of the DNC : 21.4 Million Views. Day 1 of the RNC : 128.4 Million Views”

AB: Wow. That’s one impressive statistic… or it would be, if it were even close to being true, as opening night numbers compiled by Nielsen Media Research, showed 17 million viewers for the RNC, versus 19.7 million viewers for the DNC. That by the way, is an almost hardly worth mentioning miniscule difference of 111.4 million from what Ken absurdly claimed as fact. To put that in perspective, that’s roughly one-third of America’s current population he overshot by. Adding further insult to wounded pride, the DNC was the ratings winner overall, due to the fact that it seems most Americans are sick and tired of the fascism cosplay that the GOP has blown their metaphorical wad on.

The four-night average totals, compiled from data encompassing the viewing audience of ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox News Channel, Fox Business Network, CNN, CNNe, MSNBC, Telemundo, Univision, PBS, Newsmax and Newsy, were such: 19,400,000 for the Republicans, and 21,600,000 for the Democrats.

All I can say regarding this wretched attempt at gaslighting, is that if he’s as good at describing the accurate size of his Bone Ranger as he is at doing research, the next woman he manages to guilt into sex is going to sadly discover that his vanilla banana is so inverted, they’ll be two vaginas being left unsatisfied when the night ends. But Ken’s not quite done showing his ignorance just yet, and this time around, he’s going to disgustingly appropriate the tragedy of a murdered child to do it, which I will acknowledge, is quite the unexpected plot twist.

Ken: “NBC , ABC , CBS . and CNN show zero results for reports on the 5-year-old white child allegedly executed by black 25-year-old.”

AB: I’m going to do something out of character here. For once, I’m not going to respond to this outright racist f**kery with my normal compliment of venomous snark. What Ken is referring to here, is the senseless slaughter of 5-year-old Cannon Hinnant, who was deliberately shot in the head as he rode his bike in his own front yard. The alleged shooter. Darius Sessoms, was arrested after fleeing the scene, and has been charged with first degree murder in relation to the incident. Sessoms, much to the delight of conservative ghouls, does have a previous record of brushes with the law: he was previously convicted of felony larceny of firearms in March of 2016, a misdemeanor maintaining a place for a controlled substance in April of 2016, and felony marijuana possession in November of 2016. In addition, he also has two pending counts of felony maintaining a vehicle, dwelling or place for a controlled substance. Quite the resume, but nothing that would lead to people assuming he could have done something like this.

Hinnant’s mother, Bonny Waddell, in an interview with CBS affiliate WNCN, said: “He was my neighbor for years. We always spoke when we saw each other. It was, we never, never ever had arguments with each other,” The motivation for Sessoms’s act of inhumanity has not been established, not that it really matters to those who feel the loss of an innocent life, but ruling it out as a race crime being one of the factors, is not an option as of yet. So naturally, our White Warrior jumped on it as such, claiming that national Media ignored the story, which is patently untrue.

 I have no idea how it is that Ken can use the Internet to embarrass himself so consistently, but somehow, has not discovered the joy of that which is Google. From Snopes.com, regarding the assertion that the national media ignored this story entirely: “Darius Sessoms, who is Black, has been charged in the fatal shooting of 5-year-old Cannon Hinnant on Aug. 9, 2020, according to police statements. However, no evidence has demonstrated a pattern of ignoring the crime on the part of mainstream news media outlets, much less doing so to further a predetermined racial narrative.” Given the fact it took me less than forty seconds to debunk this racist tripe, what’s Ken’s excuse for pushing this falsehood other than the need to draw an unsupported parallel to foster his racist worldview that the White race is under attack 24/7?

Personally, I’ve never thought that there could ever be a successful human analog for sentient vomit, but here he is. Newsflash, Ken? Just because this poor child didn’t get a protest and George Floyd did, doesn’t mean one is less or more important than the other. It’s about context, a concept that you obviously do not grasp. Both of these cases involve a murder committed by a person of dubious mental acuity, but only one of these was at the hands of someone who swore an oath to protect the very person they killed. In all honesty Ken, you couldn’t care less what the truth entails, for it only serves as a conduit of convenience for you to push your venom upon a society already weakened by the likes of people such as yourself. You have no interest in changing the world that util now, has suited you well, so please stop with your faux outrage and far too real ignorance.

 And if you do, then why aren’t you organizing the very tributes that you demand others present? Are your hands painted on? Or is it because they’re otherwise occupied with polishing your undersized tiki-torch?

In the last screed, I noted Ken’s use of social media to push forward an ideology so dense, it could be used as either a doorstop or as a Kardashian, but I barely scratched the surface, in fact. If I actually wrote about everything I discovered, I could make a career out of the serialization of his innate idiocy, but for the sake of my sanity and yours, I’ll just touch upon some further brilliant insights from our resident professor of African-American cultural studies instead.

Ken: “Black Americans comprise 14% of the population yet, are the recipients of 88% of the existing social programs. Tell me again about “equality”! no amount of money will ever level the field! That comes from personal initive, period!”

AB: First Ken, maybe you could take some of that personal “initiative” thar you imply you have, and perhaps learn how to punctuate and spell correctly, as it’s obvious that social program we call public schooling has obviously failed you on many different levels. As to the rest of your statement, let’s dissect. The actual percentage of African-Americans in this country is actually 12.1%, but as we’ve seen, Ken can’t do research. According to the last US Census, 21.3% of the US population participates in some form of government assistance each month. Of those, the African-American demographic showed a 41.6% inclusion rate, with Latinos at 36.4%, and the Asian / Pacific Islander rate at 17.8%, with whites closing out the data field at 13.2%. But an additional far-more detailed study (2016) conducted by the US Department of health and Human Services, US department of commerce and CATO Institute concluded that overall, 35.4% of the US population as a whole, were receiving some variant of federal aid.

When broken down between Black and Whites however, the number really punches a hole in Ken’s dinghy of dumbf**kery. But to add even more holes to the ones in both Ken’s head and theory, it also appears that immigrants, a favorite target of the Right aren’t the welfare queens and cheats that they like to slur as such, and I can’t even tell you how much I’m enjoying this factoid. The breakdown: welfare recipients who are Hispanic: 15.7%, Asian: 2.4%, and “Other”: 3.3%. Please note however, this does not mean that 15.7 percent of all Hispanic Americans and 2.4 percent of all Asian Americans are on welfare. It is simply referring to the percentage of welfare recipients.

And what’s the numbers when it comes to the White and Black percentages, you ask? Well, Whites average a rate of: 38.8%, and when it comes to the Blacks that Ken implies are sucking Americas’ metaphorical teats dry, it’s a rate of 39.8%, or a difference of 1.1%. This once again, does not infer that 38.8& of all Whites, and 39.8% of all Blacks are on welfare. It means that when tabulated by race, those are the ending tallies. In fact, despite intensive research using several government assistance platforms, I couldn’t find any statistics that came even remotely close to matching Ken’s bullspit claims. Other factors Ken ignores in order to push this false narrative, are as clear as day and just as easy to find when one bothers to look.

Disparities in income equality, criminal justice, educational funding, job opportunities within economically disadvantaged and purposefully ghettoized neighborhoods, banking disparities, and deep cultural impasses all add to these numbers, but Ken doesn’t want to hear that. If he changes his outlook, it also means he’d have to change his entire wardrobe, and he’d never get full market value for those previously used white robes in this current economy, sad to say.

Ken: “My thoughts exactly. Brett Roberts Yes sir…there can be no Equality until there is personal Accountability…and the Black community holds themselves to the same standards of conduct and responsibility…commitment to marriage…Child rearing with two parents…and respect for the Law…there I said it…will await the “R” Word.”

AB: I’d swear to mythical God that if Ken goes any deeper in his exploration of racist tropes, he’d qualify as the White supremacist version of Alan Quartermain. If only those criminally-driven, unchecked in their breeding monkeys could learn to act like us civilized White people, we’d finally be able to achieve that Utopia we’ve been aspiring to be since America was formed for the benefit of those rich white slave owners, huh? In the KJ version of the Bible, John: 8 states: So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”

I’m fairly certain the obvious message within this passage will fly over Ken’s head, but that’s to be expected. After all, when your point of view is shouted from a sewer, most things do. And I’m confused as to why Ken needs to “await the R Word”, when it’s fairly obvious its been tattooed on his forehead in reverse so he doesn’t forget who and what he is. And fortunately, he’s got options as to what that might be: Ridiculous. Reprehensible. Revolting. And yes… Racist. Shaking it up, Ken throws us a combined duo pitch of pin-headedness, and he does it with hus usual mix of idiocy and arrogance. I’l give him one thing though- this guy is more consistent than milk, if not way whiter.

Ken: “Everybody on the Left believes that all Whites, except for them, hate Blacks, and that they must stand up for Black peoples rights, but doesn’t that mean they believe that Blacks are weak and can’t stand up for themselves?”

 AB: Um… no we don’t, and more importantly, we’ve never said or implied that. Ever. The reason why we support Civil rights for all, is because we have this crazy idea that everybody is equal, whether we agree with their politics, lifestyle, or preferred choice of snack cakes. And we don’t regard Blacks as “weak”- we just understand that when people are being openly denied their rights, the majority demographic that tends to take theirs for granted, has a moral responsibility to use that entrenched position and their collective voice to eradicate such insidiousness. It’s really that simple. 

Ken: “There is NO race war going on in America. It’s just a bunch of isolated, media-staged events in congested cities to con you into believing it’s happening everywhere, when it’s not.”

AB: I really don’t know the Media does it. Seriously, how do they find the time and energy? For according to Ken, they’re already quite busy “brainwashing” Americans, while concurrently, being “responsible for promoting racial Violence in this country”, and while their hands had to be pretty full already, what with “spreading the panic” of the pandemic and all, they still found a way to dig deep and plan a series of worldwide protests, as well as making certain everybody showed up en masse and on time. I don’t know what organizational geniuses are behind all of these shadowy machinations, but if I ever get married, I want those bad-ass bitches planning the wedding and reception, if not the bachelor party beforehand.

But do take some heart, because while Ken’s intellect is out of warranty, he at least does have a sense of humor that still might be, due to its lack of use. To be fair, neither of the following was intended to be funny on purpose, but like most Trumpanzees, Ken’s gift for the inadvertently absurd is a godsend for us, even if it definitely needs to be taken back to the shop for a tune-up, ASAP

Ken: “Can we still order Black Coffee??? Are Brownies being taken off the shelf? is White Castle changing it’s name?… I’m sure Cracker Barrel is screwed..,Can we still play Chinese Checkers? …is it still called an Indian burn? No more Italian sausages? How far do ya want to go with this foolishness?”

AB:  A far better question to be asked: is there anybody out there who can give me a CAT scan, because this statement may have just given me an aneurysm. I cannot, with 100% certainty, ascertain what happened to Ken to turn him from a functioning zygote into a mobile gainsayer gloryhole, but I would bet dollars to doughnuts it either involves using his skull as an involuntary floor jack during shop class, or being trapped inside an unventilated garage as he spray-painted something as a kid one too many times.

Keep in mind, we’re being lectured regarding foolishness by an alleged bigot who’s chosen political party has called for “boycotts” of the following companies, due to their public or perceived  to be, ant-Trump stance: Walmart, Netflix, NBO Starbucks, Macy’s, Keurig, Campbell’s Soup, the NFL, NIKE, Anheuser-Busch, Oreos, Target, Gillette, Pepsi, Dell, Nordstrom, GrubHub, Univision, CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Amazon, Ben & Jerry’s, Cheerios, Skittles, Apple, T.J. Maxx, Ford Motors, Goodyear, AT&T, Tumblr, Yelp, Twitter, YouTube, Google, Wikipedia, Instagram. and in a couldn’t make this stuff up moment straight out of a Monty Python sketch, even the blockbuster movie Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, was not immune to their lunacy of self-victimization either.

Think about that. Take all the time you need. A movie about space wizards using glow sticks on steroids as weapons, and which has featured an obviously closeted talking android as a main character for decades, while simultaneously failing to fix the scars of my childhood by not killing every f**king Ewok in the universe, was targeted because the Cult 45 collective thought the ANTI-FASCIST message within the movie was somehow aimed at Trump. They were also aggravated by the fact that a woman was piloting the Millennium Falcon, and that Black people were now part of the First Order, but that’s a story arc for another time. It does strike me as strange that even though his base screams he’s not a fascist misogynistic racist NAZI, people who are fans of such seem to think he is, which is a weird thing to believe about a guy who supposedly isn’t.

However, there’s a classic conservative gambit in play here, which is to take an unrelated tangent, and smack it right upside a topic they’re trying to desperately deflect attention away from.

So, in order of Ken’s inane queries, I’ll simply say; (1) Yes, but why would you, it’s disgusting. (2) No, because us Diabetics will cut you if you try. (3) They can’t, because they were in a movie, and no one wants to lose all that free publicity. (4) As long as morbidly obese old people exist, they’ll be fine. (5) Please… we all know that game is way out of your skill range, if not your intellect. (6) If you’re still six, yes. (7) See previous “old people” statement. (8) And how far will we go to make sure everybody has the same rights? Further than you and your cowardly Caucasian cadre could ever go, because you’re all afraid of your own shadows… probably because they’re darker in tint than you.

And you should probably get used to us always getting in your way to maintain the status quo, because we’re NEVER going to stop ruining your day, your plans, and the comfort yo take in being an openly emboldened bigot.

Ken: [ No meme this time, just the visual representation of: “I can’t be a racist, because I have Black friends.” ]

 AB: Normally, I try not to bridge the vastly separated continents of Hyperbole and Reality, but here, I think this one time, I might be able to get away with it. I have no idea who these two men are, albeit if they’ve been hired as background dressing for a Trump rally, or are really pro-Trump supporters, but either way, this is just ridiculously hilarious, if unintentionally so. And it’s not just because almost every time I’ve seen one of these shirts being worn in public, it’s almost always on someone who looks like this:

People so white that the rays of the Sun bouncing off of them are one of the reasons why Antarctica is melting as fast as it is. If these African-American gentlemen are wearing it as irony, then it’s awesome in its execution. If they’re actually serious however, then this is literally the modern-day equivalent of “Jews for Hitler”, “Hessians for Colonials”, “Cockroaches for Raid”, House Flies for Spiders”, or even more terrifying; “Eddie Van Halen for David Lee Roth”. No offense intended, Sammy Hagar, but we all know who Ed was most jealous of. Despite Ken’s implication that African-Americans support the Not-So-Great-Pumpkin, the reality is a far cry from what Ken would like it to be. Among the African-American community, his base hovers at around the 14% mark, which is about equal to the percentage of African-Americans who want to see a remake of “Shaft” starring yours truly.

Granted, those numbers come from my taking a spontaneous poll among my intimate circle of African-American friends, but I have the advantage of not having lied to them for the last four years, as Trump has done.

Speaking of lies and the liars who tell them, Ken as we’ve come to see, enjoys promoting the bigoted fallacy that when it comes to the problem of violent crime in this country, somehow African-Americans are more prone to commit acts of it then the White community, and if you haven’t surmised already, this is yet another brick in Ken’s racially-tinged wall of profound bigotry. And not too surprisingly, he even has a meme to back it up, which in this, the darkest of modern ages, serves as all the proof that the slack of both jaw and brain need to be convinced. Sigh… I used to have such Hope for Humanity, but now I find myself contemplating how awesome it would be if the mythical God of the hypocritical Evangelicals who support Trump would renege on that *rainbow promise thing he made ages ago.

Other than the fact it lists the source of this so-called information as coming from the “Crime Statistics Bureau- San Francisco”, an agency that does not, and has never existed, the numbers listed upon it, are as fake as the orgasm Trump bragged about giving Stormy Daniels. To note, not only are these numbers completely skewed beyond absurdity, they also paint the United Sates a place where Whites are hunted down in a manner most reminiscent of the short story, The Most Dangerous Game, written by Richard Connell. It took me a while to track down the accurate data to be sure, but it wasn’t that big a chore, even if you aren’t good at that sort of thing. To note, these numbers are from 2015, the same year this racist (and widely debunked) trope was disseminated, but even given current events, I have serious doubts the needle has moved that far South in regards to these stats.


AB: Try 7.6%. But to be fair, the cops are doing a better job of it than you guys, as of late. And to be fair, you people have been more preoccupied going after immigrants, so I can understand why you’re a tad bit behind your projected numbers these days


AB: The available data suggests that it’s closer to 9%, but African-Americans also face a fatality rate 2.8 times higher than Whites. Even more disturbing is the statistic that Black victims were more likely to be unarmed (14.8%) than Whites, (9.4%) which sort of bolsters the widely held public opinion that cops are more than happy to shoot first, and ask questions later, when it comes to their inter-racial encounters with the African-American citizenry of this country.


AB: Oh look- finally a category where Whites finally bring their “A” game, as the rate here is 14%. Way to go Caucasians! You’re making us all very proud. And doing the world a favor, by self-removing yourself from an increasingly stagnating gene pool.


AB: The average is 82.4%, actually. That seems pretty high for a bunch of people who supposedly set the standard for following Law & Order, mayonnaise-boy, but I digress. So sorry to see your narrative of Whites being slaughtered by Blacks going out the proverbial window, but that’s the way the racist vanilla wafer crumbles, I guess.


AB: It’s closer to 14.8 percent, but as we’ve seen, your bigotry impairs your ability to do the merest of research, so we’ll give you a pass. Kind of like how your kindergarten class did when you failed naptime, but on the upside, you did excel at eating paste.


AB: Sadly, it’s 90% to be honest. And while with this one Ken did get close, it’s still seven points off his claim, and only 7.6% higher than White on White rates, a fact I’m sure Ken will ignore in favor of his having a case of the vapors at the thought an African-American family might move in next door, and start doing White people stuff without his permission.

 What I do find interesting about this festering racial idiocy however, is Ken’s focusing it solely on African-Americans, which on one hand, is nice for the other races that need a break from these morons sadly slithering over this Earth, but why is that, exactly? He doesn’t seem to have any issue with Native Americans, Asians, Latinos, or Pacific Islanders, his contempt is seemingly just for African-Americans, and to a lesser extent, the White people who would dare ally themselves with their ongoing fight for true equality. The latter group strikes as particularly offensive to our bigoted bowl of Tapioca, and he’s not afraid to express it, no matter how stupid he sounds to the rest of society at large.

This time around, Ken’s taking a limp-wristed swipe at the valid concept of “White Privilege”, which is described as such: “Inherent advantages possessed by a white person on the basis of their race in a society characterized by racial inequality and injustice.”

Naturally Ken, a middle-aged White guy who lives in a small town in New Mexico, a state which has as many Black people in it as an Osmond cover band, would have the 411 on what African-Americans in this country experience accessing opportunities regarding public education, banking services, home ownership, job access and management potential, representation in the Media, and as we’ve all seen from Ken’s previous crime statistics posting comprised of bulls**t and pure prejudice, the lack of equality when it comes to criminal justice. And of course, since he can’t defend his point of view using actual facts, and is too much of a cuckolded Beta to “man up” and face his blatant bigotry, we’re just going to have to settle with yet another set of memes, whose only purpose seems to prove why his family tree is in such dire need of branches.


 AB: This absolutely f**ked up statement brought to you by a milk-blooded monocultural moron, essentially proves the concept that racism is so American, that when you protest it, people think you are protesting America. But we’re not. The America we protest, and the one Ken thinks should cater to his race alone, is the one that’s spelled “Amerikkka”, and he’s going to be roasting in Hell long before he ever gets to see his fever-dream pass into being. When any of the institutions I listed above deliberately tosses you out of their consideration based on your name alone Ken, then you can bitch. Till then, try not to breed. This planet is already overstocked on inane Wonder Bread analogs as is.

Ken: “Why is it okay for Every race to be proud of their heritage except for white people?”

AB: Nobody has ever said you couldn’t be “proud” of being White, Kimberly. It’s just that when most races celebrate their individuality, they’re not doing so predicated on paranoic nationalism and intolerance for all other races on earth. To be fair, you only seem to have a strong loathing for African-Americans and their allies, so kudos to your focus, but maybe you’d be regarded less as a bigot and more of a neighbor, if you’d use those tiki-torches to illuminate a friendly BBQ, versus lighting up somebody’s front lawn.


AB: As noted earlier, Ken only saves his bigotry for one group of people, that being African Americans alone, but I’m sure it truly has nothing to do with their skin color. Just because he consistently rants about BLM, black athletes, and bogus crime statistics regarding the African-American community, is no reason to infer he hates them. Maybe it’s as simple as his still being really hurt that his Black neighbors didn’t come to his Kwanzaa party last year, despite his celebration banquet game being full-on ballin’.

Ken: “99.9% of White people were born without the White Privilege Gene!”

AB: Considering what we’ve seen of Ken’s skillset in relation to researching statistics, we’ll just assume the actual ratio is lower than his IQ, and leave it at that. And I can assure you that when it comes to “missing” certain genes, Ken’s personal list is probably quite the extensive one. It’s almost as if when God was assembling him, he did it right before he had a hot date coming up, on a Friday at 4pm.


AB: As with most things cooked up in the cobwebbed attic that masquerades as Ken’s brain, no it’s not. No White person is protesting any other White person for “being White”- they never have, and they never will. What is being openly objected to however, is when privileged douches of the Vanilla vanguard (like Ken) who have as much experience being Black as they do dealing with the repercussions of being so, comes along and feels they alone get to not only dictate how and when Black people are allowed to react, but feel that they’re also the authority to set the terms for doing so as well. What is real though, is Ken’s quickly dawning terror at his fellow Caucasians not getting on board with his bigotry, his ignorance and his desire to openly subjugate an entire culture he thinks are inferior to him and his milquetoast genetic sequence.

I’ve said it before, and I’m sadly certain I will have to say it again, but why is it that the greatest “champions” of the White Race always turn out to be the absolutely worst examples of it? If Ken and his ilk are the best of the breeding stock, no wonder there’s so many humorous incidents involving these guys and Fleshlights.

But obsessing over how the African-American community comparts itself isn’t his only hobby, not by a long shot. Ken’s other favored target of faux outrage is coincidentally the very same online soapbox that  he uses to push his racist agenda to begin with, and despite the myriad of conservative social media platforms that cater to his braindead brood, such as Parler, (where Ken’s alleged to be a newer member) Codias, and the currently offline Gab, Ken still maintains a healthy presence on the ol’ Facebook nonetheless, despite his sad and faithful loyalty to a conspiracy theory that FB “censors” conservatives. Where this idiocy springs from, is the confusion centered around the arbitrary vagueness of FB’s community standards rules, which can result in content on your page being removed, your account seeing itself barred from posting, or even being put in the infamous “Facebook Jail”, a harsh penalty which can result in platform suspensions lasting hours, or even weeks.

And for the most egregious cases of violation, accounts can not only be removed, but the violators can find themselves placed on a banned-for-life from the platform list, much in the way that I am in regards to Twitter. Something BTW, I’m still exceedingly proud of, and that I’ve written about previously.

 Now, as someone who has been subject to some of these actions in the past, this paranoia from the Right-wing movement that they’re the only ones being held to account strikes me yet again, as no more than an unfounded and rationalized self-victimization ploy in order to garner sympathy for their ignorant personal biases. Interestingly, when the social media giant known as Twitter tried to crack down on neo-Nazi / White-supremacist content using an algorithmic approach, it was alleged by Vice’s tech-news agency Motherboard, that by doing so, it could possibly target and report the public accounts of Republican politicians. In response, Twitter issued a strong rebuttal to this possibly brand-damaging story, stating: “The information cited from the ‘sources’ in this story has absolutely no basis in fact. The characterization of the exchange at the meeting of March 22nd is also completely factually inaccurate. There are no simple algorithms that find all abusive content on the Internet and we certainly wouldn’t avoid turning them on for political reasons,”  

I can’t ascertain if this is true or not for myself, due to my exile from a Land where a pumpkin-tinted Twitler-in-Chief is allowed to let his thumbs run free with almost no consequences, but this fact alone in my opinion, sort of negates Ken’s snowflake paranoia regarding most of the social platforms in general, methinks. And if it doesn’t, why is he still using FB then? A question I’ll come back to in a moment, but first, let’s see what he has to say yet again about a topic that showcases his ignorant hypocrisy to the delight of all of us.  And per his usual tack, it starts with a laughable lie.

Ken: “Facebook said if you support the NRA you will get kicked off. Well let’s experiment. I support the NRA. How about you?”

AB: Wow. What a bunch of un-American, black-hearted, censoring bast… wait a second, if you’re not allowed to “support the NRA”, and it’s a given you will get kicked off the platform for doing so, then why does the NRA still have a currently active Facebook page, which was established in 2013, and how is it possible for 4,872,939 people who obviously support it to still be “following” it?  Not to mention, the scores of active FB pages that broadcast their backing of it daily? Oh Ken, did you post without doing the merest of research again, you abominably stupid little scamp? Of course, you did, because when it comes to spreading your particular variety of mental manure, you’re more reliable than an Ex-Lax milkshake. When one (in this case, me as usual) bothers to check the validity of this meme, the following *information turns up, which contradicts in full, this bogus claim and Ken’s belief in such. What a shock. I’m starting to surmise that given Ken’s penchant for always being wrong, he’s the only guy who could start building a boat in his garage, and wind up with the finished product and his house, resembling the Hindenburg. *[https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2020/09/16/fact-check-facebook-not-removing-nra-supporters/5551125002/]

Not only is the NRA not mentioned at all by FB as being in violation of any of the site’s own community standards, the only restrictions that Ken might even claim FB has in place, aren’t even remotely close to what actually exists. That centering on the prohibition of using the site for weapon purchase or exchange, as well as forbidding the posting of explicit directives on the manufacturing of weapons, if there’s evidence of a goal to seriously injure or kill people, and that’s it. And before Ken starts to  warm up any of his further Facebook conspiracies as a deflection, may I just point out that Hillary and Obama aren’t going to jail, vaccines don’t cause autism, the Muslims aren’t instilling Sharia law in our schools or communities, cash is still accepted at Walmart, the Lord’s Prayer isn’t banned either, and no matter how much you post about it, not only are those gun-control Liberals who mock you on FB are your social betters, and most likely, that’s hands down, without breaking a sweat.


 AB: Should I point out to our fearful buzzword quoting friend that other than the “free” part, he literally and perfectly described the very concept of American Private enterprise? To be fair though, Ken wouldn’t know what Socialism really is, even if it directly deposited his Mom’s Social Security check into her FDIC-insured bank account, so I guess I’ll have to put my POV in such a way that even Ken can wrap his closed-off mind around it:

America is the perfect example of Capitalism. You pay through the nose for everything but the quality of Life still sucks. You have no say in how it really works. The guy you toil for gets rich off your effort, and you get to let him. You have no your privacy since you willingly bought a cellphone, signed up for social media, and bought Alexa for your house. There’s competition, but it’s all relatively based around the tenets of sheer survival. And if you say anything about a living wage, women’s body autonomy, or healthcare for all, they’ll label you with words they don’t know the meaning of. But, if you consistently say things that are vulgar, racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, elitist, or display stunning incompetence in public, they’ll either give you a TV Show, or elect you President.

 And Ken, much like many Socialistic countries, which our fair America has more than a few things in common with, as the one example above shows, you can always as you Conservatives are overly fond of saying, “leave if you don’t like it”. There’s the door, Felecia, so don’t let it hit ya’ where the mythical Lord split ya’. And for once, I’m not referring to your psyche.


 B: Guy who posts fake facts constantly, is annoyed by being called out for posting them, which quite honestly, is funny as f**k. And while I say that Milla Jovovich should come over every weekend for whipped-cream wrestling and Jell-O body-shots, that still doesn’t mean it’s going to ever come true, sad to say. And don’t get me started on how painful that truth is either, as my therapist says we’ll be all be here for days, and trust me, you don’t want that. Just like how Ken doesn’t want facts, he wants validation, which due to the fact that I’m a people-person, I’ll be more than happy to give him: Ken, you are unarguably a valid example of what parents on this Earth refer to as a “bad example”, so at least you have that going for you which is nice.

And since the love-fest vibe is going so strong, I won’t even point out that according to the FBI, it’s actually the White Supremacy movement that’s the number-one concern regarding the ongoing and increasingly violent, domestic terrorism. Oh, let’s be honest, I’m totally going to point it out. From the link listed below, here is a nice big hole punched through the very fabric of Ken’s white-hooded hokum, and no, you don’t have to thank me, Ken. The fact of knowing I’ve gotten you to read something other than a meme for once, is all the acknowledgement I require:

 *“Violent extremists are increasingly using social media for the distribution of propaganda, recruitment, target selection, and incitement to violence. Through the Internet, violent extremists around the world have access to our local communities to target and recruit like-minded individuals and spread their messages of hate on a global scale.

The recent attack at the Chabad of Poway Synagogue in Poway, California, not only highlights the enduring threat of violence posed by domestic terrorists, but also demonstrates the danger presented by the propagation of these violent acts on the Internet.

The attacker in Poway referenced the recent mosque attacks in Christchurch, New Zealand, and we remain concerned that online sharing of livestreamed attack footage could amplify viewer reaction to attacks and provide ideological and tactical inspiration to other domestic terrorists in the homeland.”


 AB: *sigh* One day Ken will be right about something but when he is, it’ll be akin to a tree falling in the forest when nobody’s around to see or hear it. Sure, maybe it happened the way he’ll say it did, but how will he ever be able to prove it? For the record, FB is both a platform and while not the originator of the content published within it, still has the right to control what is posted and how it’s being disseminated, being a privately held business and all that. A quick refresher course for Ken and all of his First Amendment morons who have obviously never read the Constitution.

To note; “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

If it isn’t clear to you what the point is, it’s that the government isn’t allowed to stifle what you say, no matter how ignorant or asinine it is. Notice BTW, that nowhere in there, does it say anything about a private business not having the right to moderate its own metaphorical lands. And Ken? You willingly surrendered certain privileges when you signed up for a service you don’t financially support, so spare us your whining just because you didn’t read the rules and think that they shouldn’t apply to you.

Ken: “Facebook is spreading false information via their “fact checker” They’re calling true stories fake”

AB: OMFG, the irony is so thick here, I could use it for a security door, if need be. This trolling troglodyte wants you all to know that despite his track record of posting fraudulent factoids and non-occurring narratives, that it’s not he and others of his ilk who should be distrusted, no, the real culpability for the influx of imbecilic insidiousness plaguing our society should be squarely laid at the feet of  the ol’ Facebook, and not its abusers like Ken, who feel their disingenuousness should be ignored for the sake of their easily offended snowflake egos. And therein lies the hypocritical rub- there’s other social media platforms that directly cater to people who share Ken’s POV, but they also don’t have the same opportunity for their members to acquire the ego-strokes they need to feel relevant in the same way that FB does.

With no due respect, these pathetic candy-asses live lives of screeching desperation at best, and the only thing that fills their emotional void is the belief that they have a direct effect on others, past the point of serving as a valid warning as to why the reality of engaging in coitus with your siblings is such an unwise notion. But maybe I should play Devil’s Advocate here- after all, what harm could come from listening to a guy who posts racially-fraudulent statistics, paranoid delusions, and blows bigoted dog-whistles as if he were Stormy Daniels having a full day at work? I’m sure it would work out fine. Even if we did, it isn’t as if we’d go and elect a racist, vulgar misogynistic, cravenly, lying narcissistic, sexual predator into the highest office in the land, right? Oh, wait…

Speaking of elections, we do have one coming up relatively soon, and rest assured, Ken’s got some opinions regarding that too. And don’t worry, I’m almost certain that they’re going to be based on facts, and not the skin color of the VP pick, or on any credence he’s given to obsessive conspiracy theories. Because you know… my childlike optimism and all that jazz.

Ken: “Biden the Cancel Culture and the Party of Hate.”

AB: This statement brought to you by a seemingly obsessed bigot who’s political party members once “owned” Kellogg’s Cereal, by flushing already paid for products down their toilets, because Kellogg’s had pulled it’s advertising from Breitbart. In addition, these MENSA rejects also filmed themselves smashing their $150.00 Keurig coffee makers, due to the company pulling its marketing off of the hour that Sean Hannity uses to terrify old White people. after he defended then-Senate candidate and alleged pedophile, Roy Moore who was running for the Senate at the time. Take into consideration that Ken’s failure of a President is currently endorsed by both the Proud Boys and the KKK, and you’ll understand my need to digress, if only for the sake of laughing my ass off

Ken: “Wow! https://www.walmart.com/…/Hot-Cup-Of-Joe-A-Pipin…/314238205 (Marcus Rogers) This is a real book at Walmart. It’s on their website. Trying to market Joe Biden as a sex symbol to kids? Why a coloring book? https://www.walmart.com/…/Hot-Cup-Of-Joe-A-Pipin…/314238205”

AB: Ok, a few things to address here- first, this coloring book was only sold online, never having been placed in any stores, and was obviously targeted at voting-age adults, with a good sense of humor, a trait Ken clearly does not have. Its marketing was never aimed at children, but who cares about that, when you can pretend to get offended? Second, I don’t think it’s the overall content that Ken has an issue with, but the fact that if they ever made one featuring his gilded Golem, the only reason people would be interested in wanting to purchase it would be for its practical use as either a dartboard, or as kindling for a campfire.

Ken: “Biden removed “Under God” from The Pledge of Allegiance!”

AB: To quote Joe; “Will you shut up, man?” Because, JFC, you are a supreme f**king ignoramus of almost Biblical proportions, and I say this as someone who used to live in Phoenix, a town that once thought allowing guns into bars was a good idea. What Ken is lying about here is the debunked slur that the axiom “under God” which was officially inserted into the Pledge by an act of Congress on Flag Day in 1954, was omitted from two presentations of the Pledge of Allegiance during the 2020 DNC.

From Snopes.com: ”The DNC did not issue any guidelines forbidding the use of the phrase. On the national stage, the phrase “under God” was used during the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each night of the 2020 DNC.”

Despite this latest bats**t crazy untruth emanating from the very same guy who fibbed about the opening night numbers of the RNC, this shouldn’t really be taken as a purposeful lie in any way, shape, or form, though. After all, your typical Conservative Christian doesn’t even practice the teachings of Christ to begin with, so how can you realistically expect them to recognize his name when it’s mentioned?

As you’ve come to expect, I’ve saved the so-called best for last. While I’m confident I could write about Ken for the next six months, given the trove of information I’ve amassed regarding his non-stop hate-meme machine, I’ll hopefully close off our interaction with this final gasp of inanity where he confirms one last time (for this story-arc anyway) that his knowledge of how the Constitution works is as solid as his grasp regarding the concept that if he lives long enough to see himself become a member of the minority race in America, he’d better hope the ones in the majority still want equality, and not revenge.


Ken: “Of Jamaican and Indian descent, suddenly Kamala Harris is “Black”. Amazing.”

AB: Ok… I’m not sure if Ken is offended by Kamala not using a hyphenated descriptor to assist in his genuine desire to racially slur her correctly in his eyes, but I’m pretty sure that he could still use one of the anti-Black variants and still be allowed to attend the flaming BBQ’s, regardless. So, what moniker would work best for your pathetically sad needs, Ken? Maybe, we should give you some direction by suggesting she’s a “Jamindian”, an “Indijama”, or perhaps even the rare and exotic “Jamindaican”? Feel free to use whichever one rolls the easiest off your pasty White lips and that Kool-Ade-coated-worm you call a tongue. Consider it as a last parting gift from me to you.

And just ignore the data that the vast majority of Jamaicans are of African descent, and are the end result of widespread mixed ancestry, based on the interrelation of numerous subgroups of Europeans, East Indians, the Chinese, and Middle Easterners that have been amalgamated together. But there is an upside to knowing this factoid. Just think how many new and offensive epithets you’ll be able to whip up in-between those moments when you’re embarrassing yourself on social media!

Ken: “Kamala Harris was born October 20, 1964, in Oakland, California. Her mother was a Tamil Indian, her father a Jamaican. Both were immigrants who had not naturalized, thus were not citizens, when Kamala was born. As the definition of “natural born citizen” states, the person must be born to parents who are citizens. So she can’t be president or VP!”

AB: Somewhere in Florida right now, there’s a happily retired High School civics teacher, sitting on their patio, sipping a tall glass of Long Island Iced Tea, and feeling a disturbance in the Force, as if the Founding Fathers were rolling over in their graves, and crying out; “Can somebody please hit Mr. S**t-for-brains upside his head with a truck?” For not only is Ken wrong as usual, he’s wretchedly so. The clause he’s incorrectly referencing is as such: “No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.”

If you’re paying attention, nowhere in there does it say anything about the parents having to be United States citizens, and due to the virtue of her birth in California, Harris is a natural-born U.S. citizen. Parental citizenship is relevant to an individual’s citizenship status ONLY if the individual is born outside of the United States. And according to the big brains working overtime at the Cornell Legal Information Institute; “Anyone born on U.S. soil and subject to its jurisdiction is a natural born citizen, regardless of parental citizenship,” So feel free to go and perform an act of fellatio on a flaming cross, Ken.

Let us also not forget that Ken introduces a subtle hint of conspiracy, by implying that the Democrats would knowingly and openly, run an illegal candidate for one of the highest offices in the land, and what… pray that nobody would notice? Unlike Ken’s team, we currently don’t have any illegally appointed people sitting in offices with authority they didn’t earn, but better luck with your other theories that most likely involve lizard-people-hybrids maintaining Ronald Reagan’s frozen corpse for an as yet unnamed future use.

 You don’t like African-Americans, Ken. We get it. You can’t be bothered to do even the most rudimentary of research. We get it. You’re a hypocrite when comparing Trump’s foibles against those of others. We get it. You distrust all Media outlets, except the ones that agree with your bigoted POV. We get it. Cops being held accountable for their actions makes you really mad. We get it. Being fact-checked and being repeatedly proven wrong, causes you to become furious. We get it. Your incompetently dangerous President being openly mocked and despised, makes you feel like you’re being personally attacked. We get it. None of your outfits look good with that stupid red hat Trump demands you wear to his ego rallies. We get it. Women would rather ride a bull’s sandpaper-wrapped horns, than admit to getting it on with you. We get it. You say “All Lives Matter”, as long as the White ones come first. We get it. You think the White race is being marginalized- that is, except when it’s under consistent attack from a culture whose members you probably tell friends, swing from trees. We get it. Black people demanding equal rights makes your testicles retract. We get it, but honestly…

You should probably go see a doctor about that, and definitely sooner than later. Check yourself, before you wreck yourself, and all that.

 But let me tell you what I don’t get about you, Ken. You grew up in a place where African-Americans are as rare as faithful Christian husbands at a GOP political fundraiser, and yet, you still managed to develop an obsessive tard-on for Black people that makes no bloody sense. Living here, I can understand if you’ve developed an aversion to cinnamon and vanilla, but chocolate? Not so much. The chances of seeing someone Black in the small town I now live in, is akin to a pack of Debbie Harry clones sitting radiantly atop a herd of Unicorns that are thundering, through my living room. Am I optimistic that it could happen? Yes, but not so much that I’d place any money on the possibility anytime soon.

So, I just have to ask this question, if only to satisfy my intellectual curiosity- how does someone who looks normal on the outside, transmute into such a hateful sack of bigoted babbling protoplasm? Did Idris Elba happen to steal one of your grade-school girlfriends? Were you raised by a pack of overly protective white supremacist werewolves? Did a number of those ACME anvils from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons fall out of the sky, and land on your head?

I once said (and wrote) that visiting Utah was like being trapped inside a Bayer Aspirin bottle floating on a sea of milk, but I may have to rethink that, after moving to the high desert of New Mexico, and discovering that some of the truly whitest people alive live here, and a far-too-great number of them still haven’t accepted the fact that the 15th Amendment was ratified.

Fortunately, I get to say with an amount of greater relief, that despite this demographic which needs to spend more of their free time with a book, rather than just their cattle and a TV forever tuned to FOX, there’s far less people like Ken, then there are the ones who proudly carry the flags of the causes he hates so much- you know, the ones where everyone gets treated like a person, rather than as a meme or statistical talking point? And the truly wonderful takeaway from all of this? Ken knows it. He knows down deep that he’s going to live long enough to see another United States President of color. He knows he’ll live long enough to see his kind die on the vine, and out in the open, under the blazing light of progressive equality. And he knows that he’ll live long enough to see his rhetoric fail and fall by the wayside, as the tenets of racism, much like the movement he currently worships more than his mythical God, gets relegated to the dustbin of History, where it belongs.

 A place that I’m sure Ken will visit multiple times as he gets older, if only for the nostalgia.

 To quote the late and great Kurt Vonnegut; “So it goes”. And go it does, as do I. But when I come back… oh, who in the hell knows? I’m just winging it as I go along, but here’s some guesses: I talk about the art of growing a true plague beard, I rave about “The Orville, one of the best sci-fi shows on the air, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll introduce you to yet another person so-called, who shows exactly why McDonalds should have removed those lead-tainted promotional cups out of their stores long before July of 1977.

 “Prejudice wears a variety of hats, none of them becoming.”- Kevin Ansbro