Wayne Michael Reich

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Wayne Michael Reich
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Month: September 2022

Dope Springs Infernal, Part 1. (The Trumpists that Blow.)

“Wayne Michael Reich; I feel fine because I know I’m going to be Raptured and you’re going to burn for Eternity and no amount of denial on your part can change it.” – James Spring, self-declared Oklahoma-based Christian, showcasing the duplicity of his Faith, as no one else can.

 Greetings, Bitchiteers!
Whatever shall we talk about today?

Well, over the last few screeds, I’ve discussed the inanity of politically-based conspiracy theories, examined the illogicality of the pro-Trump movement intertwined within the same, and with my usual thoughtful discretion, dismembered this bumper-sticker ideology, that as a rule, has been distilled through a filter rife with quasi-Evangelical hypocrisy.

As I will come to highlight, using examples set forth by cafeteria Christians, such as the above quoted James Spring and others to be mentioned, the rabbit holes of inane illogicity run far deeper than most realize, and sadly, they have not only consumed the intellect of a number of unfortunate and gullible dullards, but as Spring’s words will demonstrate in time, they’ve consumed their humanity as well.    

And despite the incontrovertible evidence that underpins this assessment of mine, these same purveyors of a puerile faith still maintain that by any measure, their abominableness towards their fellow humans, is wholly approved by the one true God- you know, the deity whose teachings they don’t follow, the writer of the words they do not correctly interpret, and the originator of the lessons that they do not learn from, even at the expense of their own comfort?

This in turn, has led to Spring and his like-minded cultist brethren, most of whom are suffering from a severe case of mango-man-crush, to attempt to validate the inherent ridiculousness of their obviously manufactured celestial deity, by deliberately overlooking those qualities of his, which at best, define him as nothing less than a mercurial sociopath.

Now, while this acerbic assessment of mine could be equally applied to both God, and his GQP anointed successor Donald Trump, I’ll just leave that up to you, my loyal readers, to eventually ascertain which is which, for yourselves.

As expected, such mental moribundity isn’t propelled by the actions of a singular individual, even if like Trumpism, it is the definitive characterization of a Personality Cult. No self-styled supreme leader operates within a total vacuum, as we well know, and regardless of the mango man-child’s overblown Ego, if he didn’t have his slavishly disturbed cheerleaders hyping his name 24/7. he wouldn’t have squat.

But unlike the aesthetically pleasing cheer-leading squad of our high school days, and the out of our league ones usually associated with professional sport teams, these particular hopping heralds of hypocrisy, are no better than the dancers working the lunch shift at that strip club located just outside of town.

You know, the kind of place that’s so skeevy, that if you accidentally dropped your car keys, you’d debate just how much you really needed them, if only to avoid making direct contact with the floor?

And therein, lies the underpinning for today’s literary exploration of America’s continuing investment into playgrounds for the sociopathic. It was once the norm, that if you ever had the misfortune to run into your stereotypical and dimwitted demagogue, you had the options of either walking away, or just willfully tuning them out as you enjoyed your bar-style nachos. But sadly, such is not the case any longer, nor has it been, for quite some time now.

To be fair, it would be relatively easy for myself to paint the fans of Trump, who’s currently representing America as our favorite go-to Fanta-tinted Fascist, as nothing more than an inbred cabal of cravenly, toothless, hateful howler monkeys, but this is most certainly not the case, and quite honestly, it’s also a lazy comparison to make, as well.

After all, even the densest of monkeys knows how to act when they’re around other monkeys outside of their barrel, and I see no need to unwarrantedly slur such fine creatures, by placing them in the same ideological realm as the abominably ignorant ones that constitute the cultural scourge that is Trumpism. To quote the old maxim; “Although it is true that not all Conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.”

Now, I understand that as a self-described Liberal, such an utterance could (and should) be regarded with a grain of salt, if not a pound, but I’m also fairly confident that not only could I easily prove my theorem with minimal effort, I could do so, using only the evidentiary proof that Conservatives hand out ever so graciously, as if it were tax breaks to the 1%. Or to be more accurate, the rationalizations they concoct to validate the necessity for Trump’s myriad assemblage of crimes, if not his well-documented unethical behavior.

Sigh. Sady, I’m aware that there’s at least one of my conservative fan-stalkers, sitting there all alone in his mom’s garage with only his cellphone and a microwaved Hot Pocket for company, bleating angrily; “What “Crimes” or “Ethical Lapses”, Artbitch?” so here’s the list, both proven, and alleged. Let’s start with lawsuits alleging Constitutional violations during his distractors term as President:

Cases involving the First Amendment: Knight First Amendment Institute v. Trump, CNN v. Trump, WeChat Users Alliance v. Trump, Cases involving the Fifth Amendment: Department of Homeland Security v. Regents of the University of California, as well as New York v. Trump and Vidal v. Nielsen. Case involving an alleged violation of the Fourteenth Amendment: Stone v. Trump. Cases alleged violations of the Foreign Emoluments Clause: CREW v. Trump, D.C. and Maryland v. Trump, Blumenthal v. Trump.

Then there are the lawsuits concerning his executive orders, presidential proclamations and memorandums: City and County of San Francisco v. Trump, City of Chelsea v. Trump, Aziz v. Trump Darweesh v. Trump, Doe v. Trump, Louhghalam v. Trump, Mohammed v. United States, Sarsour v. Trump, Washington v. Trump, Hawaii v. Trump, International Refugee Assistance Project v. Trump, Bhattarai v. Nielsen, Ramos v. Nielsen, East Bay Sanctuary Covenant v. Trump, TikTok v. Trump, Jane Doe v. Trump, Stone v. Trump, Karnoski v. Trump, and ending with, Stockman v. Trump.

And now, let’s address his lawsuits centering around his legal violations, as there’s the matter of his Grand Jury Subpoena regarding the Mueller Investigation, allegations of violating the Presidential Records Act of 1978, and the addition of CREW and National Security Archive v. Trump and EOP,

Not to mention, there’s also the alleged violations of the Federal Advisory Committee Act, leading to the cases’ ACLU v. Trump and Pence, Joyner v. Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity, NAACP v. Trump, to name just a few.

Disturbingly, this isn’t even anywhere near to being a complete list, as at the time of this writing, Trump is facing scores of legal challenges, targeting his business dealings, his finances, his taxes, his charity entanglements, and last, but certainly not least, the hubris-fueled misdeeds of his contemptible presidency, the J6 Insurrection attempt, and his alleged stealing (and possible sale) of classified documents, being at the top of this particular pile of pustulant transgression.

And keep in mind, that this list also omits the numerous alleged claims of slander and defamation, the fraudulent business practices that led to multiple bankruptcies and trump University, as well as the also numerous sexual assault cases that he’s been either keeping at arm’s length for several years, or settling out of court, using hush payments and air-tight NDA’s to keep them off the public’s radar, not that such as we’ve seen, matters to his Goosestep Wives fan club, to begin with.

And just how collectively far gone are these cultists, you query? Well, given all that I just noted, and taking into account what has been streaming non-stop via electronic media, I’d say this posting by one John Venturino Sr, of Scottsbluff, Nebraska, definitely sets the tone for what I’m about to discuss:

You heard it here first, boys and girls, unless of course, you’ve previously heard it repeated ad nauseam on OAN, Breitbart, FOX, and obviously by whatever serves as the screaming voices in Venturino’s otherwise empty head. January Sixth, which saw the Capitol overrun by insurrectionists attempting to overthrow democracy by attempting to stop the verifying of a valid election, was a “peaceful” protest.

All that stuff you saw on TV or Social Media live-stream, where people were attacking cops, chanting “Hang Mike Pence!”, and carrying the flags of Trump and the defeated Confederate states down the hallways of the UNITED STATES CAPITOL, was just window dressing set in motion by the agents of Antifa, BLM, or a legion of space aliens, who were clearly operating under the orders of the Deep State Illuminati, or even perhaps, a far more terrifying, and as yet undiscussed, cabal:

All of these BTW, are strong contenders for the title of the “Real Villains”, according to right-wing wackadoos like Venturino, but as its been a really busy week for me, I have truly no idea who the current crowd favorite is, although for my money, I really do hope it’s the Pentaverate, because as far as secret societies go, you just know that the one run by Canadians, would be by far, one of the nicest to hang out with.

But ol’ Johnny here, isn’t quite done just yet, showcasing his lack of grasp on reality, if not the intrigue of national politics, no siree Bob- he’s got quite the absence of hold as well, when it comes to just how he thinks that the finale of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago telenovela will play out:

A small detail I would like to call attention to here, if I may. If my initial background research into Venturino is correct, he’s currently 62 years old. Now, while I at 53 am no spring chicken myself, I hardly think that anyone under the age of 45, would see either one of us as a credible threat to their personal safety, and that’s with the full understanding of whether we were armed to the teeth, or not.

But mythical God love him, since no one of working intelligence will, Venturino will not allow himself to be dissuaded from this Right-Wing Red Dawn scenario that he’s crafted within his limited acumen, and as you might have expected, it all started with an enemy so dangerous to his sense of faux patriotism, he felt compelled to stand up and say “Not on my watch, you enemy domestic!”

So, you ask, whom is this most dangerous adversary that Venturino seems more than willing to put on camo and strap on ammo, to go up against? Well, probably not whom you expected:

Is it just me, and feel free to tell me if it is, but does it seem like the choices for Republican “enemies”, is getting less impressive as Time marches forward? I mean… they started off with the Anti-fascist and BLM, movements, and now, have found themselves reduced to complaining about cartoons (more on that in a bit) and sexagenarians with lung cancer.

Damn. How the mighty on their high horses, have fallen. And yet, we’re supposed to believe in their fever-dream that these mental midgets are going to “take back”: America, when they can’t even take a tasteless joke to start with?

As I noted, my newest BFF wrapped snugly in his ideologically delusional camo, truly feels an armed skirmish for America’s soul is on the way, which in and of itself, is kind of ironic, considering that he willingly sold his, to a mango-tinted Antichrist, quite some time ago. And I might add that he did so, for no profit whatsoever.

But that’s the way you can truly own the Libs, boys and girls, by sacrificing your principles for a red hat made in China, and the mercurial approval of the World’s Angriest Creamsicle. But this festering rot within Venturino’s character aside, he does possess the insight of just how this supposed Civil War, undertaken to protect the fascist whims of a mango Mussolini, will kick off, and just who will start it

My unfortunate misspelling of the word “people” aside, my retort highlights that while its been quite some time since I’ve owned a gun, or a number of guns for that matter, at no point do I ever recall the ammunition for said armaments, becoming independently sentient and taking the initiative to secure my overall safety.

And when it gets right down to the brass tacks of Venturino’s concept, I honestly do hope that nobody’s actually working diligently on developing that kind of technology either, because:

But Venturino, sad to say, isn’t alone in his cultish adherence to the thought of an impending Civil War between actual Americans, and the cravenly cesspool of failed Humanity that he and so many others of his paranoiac ilk represent, for just as a shark’s mouth has rows of replacement teeth ready to exchange themselves for those that have fallen or been knocked out, the Alt-Right has its own disposable assets as well.

And with that lead-in, let me introduce you now, to one Lance Klafeta, who is in tandem, a staunch conservative, a proud MAGAt, of Germanic descent, and at first glance, is seemingly, nuttier than a batch of my Oma’s classic Nussgebäck:

Klafeta, a resident of Albuquerque, NM, also just so happens to be, the President of the Edelweiss am Rio Grande German-American Club, also based in the same, and whose publicly stated objectives are [my paraphrasing] as follows; the promotion and maintenance of, (but not limited to) traditional German-American customs and events, to help its members to generate and maintain fellowship through group activities and Gemuetlicheit, which for the uninitiated, is “a state or feeling of warmth, friendliness, and good cheer”.

However, when you remember that you just read a social media post wherein Klafeta just called for the wholesale slaughter of legislators, his lauding of such, seems a tad bit disingenuous, to my ears, or if I want to stay on brand with my Teutonic theme, it’s “unaufrichtig”, at best.

The other announced goals of Klafeta’s Boys from Brazil support group include; “the advancement of good German-American relations, to form associations with other like-minded organizations, the encouragement of youth activities, and the sustaining of a clean and dignified atmosphere in all club activities.”

Now, I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I think we all remember what happened the last time a bunch of community-orientated Germans with similar ideas, all got together over a plate of Bratwurst and flagons of beer to discuss what could be accomplished with just the right amount of creative publicity, but I’ll digress for now, if only to flesh out my narrative regarding Klafeta’s political leanings, which to be fair, can be somewhat troubling:  

Yes, you did read that right- Donald J. Trump, serial adulterer, Sunday golfer, con-man, cravenly liar, alleged traitor, admitted predator of women, wisher of well upon pedophiles, whore-monger, and the guy who once autographed Bibles for Alabamans tornado survivors without the merest trace of self-referential irony, is “fighting” a Satanic global cabal, as the chosen Champion of Christ.

I know that God is rumored to work in “mysterious ways”, as evidenced by Ecclesiastes 11:5, which says;  “As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all”, but does that also imply, that he likes to also work in ways that are nothing less than retarded as well, too?

Because if so, anointing Trump to serve as your victor is an act of self-hating administrative creativity on par with whomever invented Shoe Umbrellas, as well as the corporate machination that is Mc Donald’s, green-lighting the development of the Frork.

And yes, not only should you Google both of those products when you get the chance, you need to do the same with the awesomeness that is the art of Chindōgu that obviously inspired all three of these unfortunate impositions upon the world. Just trust me on this, and I can assure you, that you will not be disappointed.

My flippancy notwithstanding, I, as a proud first-generation son of Germany, would normally be on board with my fellow Landsmann (as it were) in defending our new Vaterland, if not for the fact that our approach to doing so, differs somewhat. For instance, I believe in the democratic process, underpinned and fortified by both voting and legislative action, but my fellow Kraut in Arms, Klafeta here, has a slightly different take in regards to how America should handle its personal business:

Far be it from me to tell Klafeta how to go about his day, but I would suggest that if your culture has quite the bad reputation in relation to their previous attempts at cornering the market on enforced sleepaway camp franchises, the referencing of such, might just be considered a tad bit ill-advised by your promotional division.

Just saying. And as to the normally vile comment I scribed concerning Klafeta’s weight? Well, I can only offer the following justification, in my otherwise limited defense: 

This. Just this. With no due respect, am I supposed to believe without reservation, that this waddling pile of wackadoo Weißwürste, is a vital component within the Vanilla Vanguard of Militia-ocrity that’s intent on reclaiming America back from the dual ravaging scourges that are Logic and Humanity?

While I have no definitive knowledge of Klafeta’s abilities in regards to his interpersonal combat skillset, I’m also fairly confident, that the only way this land-based Orca could fatally injure someone, is if he accidentally tripped over his own two fat feet, and landed on them. 

If I ever found myself in a face to multiple chins confrontation with this Fettarsch, I’d be secure in the knowledge that all I need do to defeat him, would be to either climb a set of stairs, ask him to read the first page of a science book, or in a finishing move, throw a Family-sized salad at him. And I say this, as someone who is unabashedly, a HUGE fan of his selfie.

Just look at it. If you saw this jolliest of Bavarian bouncing balls coming towards you at Oktoberfest, not only would you take his recommendations for the best Vanillekipferln tent at face value, you’d happily don lederhosen, and join him on stage to dance the Schuhplattler, as well. Don’t lie. We all know you would, because so would we.

However, having the foreknowledge that our contrarian Aryan here, is seemingly excited by the notion of reopening the exit-less day spas of his heritage for enemies real and supposed, does tend to put quite the chill on that overall good vibe somewhat, does it not? But as it is with most of these lard-balls of lunacy, their inherent and ignorant destructiveness, goes far beyond just fantasies of violent ideological validation- there’s also the fantastical absurdity of how their New World Disorder should be administrated:

Before you start sniping, I do realize that this is a joke. Granted, its not a clever, intelligent, or even funny joke, but it does qualify as a joke nonetheless, despite its manufacture by a waddling cautionary tale regarding the ill-advised birthing of a land-whale that’s ostensibly into fascist cosplay. But for now, let’s set all of that to the side, so we can look at Sigmund Sauerkraut’s disturbingly vapid take on modern-day politics.

Obviously, Klafeta’s choice for President of Dunderworld, is going to be the currently disgraced boiled ham wearing a wig, Donald J. Trump, but who are the rest of the people in his nattering neighborhood, exactly?

To start, Marjorie Taylor Greene, is an American [in designation only] politician who has served as Georgia’s14th congressional district representative since 2021, and who also, just so happens to be a full-blown conspiracy theorist as well, espousing a wide range of maniacally insane conjectures, ranging from Jewish Space Lasers being utilized to start forest fires in America, to the infamous QAnon-inspired abomination, known as “Frazzledrip” , which started circulating among these insipids around May of 2018.

The conspiracy inanely proposes that Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin a former Clinton aide, were willingly videotaped participating in a Satanic blood sacrifice ritual, wherein the duo sexually assaulted a bound child, before surgically removing said child’s face, so that it could be worn as a mask. However, in a final plot twist, this insane as f**k Saw homage, goes one further, and alleges that Clinton then ordered that the police officer who found the footage, was to be assassinated, in order to keep the whole thing under metaphorical wraps.

Apparently, while Clinton’s hit squad did get the job done, her marketing team on the other hand, obviously dropped the ball, especially if the intellectually slack-hole that is MTG, was able to put two and two together without the help of her supervisory care aide. But ironically, since MTG did once call for current speaker Nancy Pelosi to be executed for imaginary “Treason”, I can see why Dieter the Dough-boy here, gave her the hypothetical job.

After all, slaying someone who is in your way of getting to the top, is a time-honored German tradition, I just always assumed it would be done by someone who didn’t have such a consistently strong track record of shooting themselves in the face.

Klafeta’s next dream pick for his fantasy fraudball league, is one Rand Paul, who is at this time, the junior U.S. senator from Kentucky. In office since 2011, Paul is the end result of what happens when the nefariously concocted plan of two first cousins’ intent on thwarting their family tree from ever having branches, is allowed to play out to its unnatural conclusion.

As you’ve come to expect, Paul is as ethically challenged as any other current GQP member, having been involved in an insider trading scandal involving his wife in 2021, the details of which, he did not disclose until close to a year and a half after the deadline to do so, had passed.

Paul is also infamous for his cavalier attitude during the initial stages of the COVID-19 crisis, where despite the obvious danger to others, and while he was still awaiting his later positive test results, he still attended group lunches with his contemporaries, used the Congressional-access elevators within the Capitol, held conferences in close contact with the Press, and continued to work out in the puzzlingly still-open Senate gym.

Add in his transparently staged showboating for the camera interactions with Dr. Anthony Fauci, the lauded physician-scientist and immunologist serving as the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, as well as being the Chief Medical Advisor to the President, and it’s fairly obvious where this odious ophthalmologist turned dimwitted demagogue, has placed his so-called priorities.

And did I mention that his former 2010 campaign manager, Jesse Benton, was once indicted in 2016 on multiple counts, including conspiracy to solicit and cause an illegal campaign contribution by a foreign national? Nope, you say?

Well, don’t worry your pretty little heads about it, as Trump pardoned him in December of 2020, and I’m 100% confident that Paul’s slavish deference to Trump, such as calling for the repeal of the Espionage Act, which could be used to prosecute Trump if he’s found guilty, wasn’t his way of paying him back, for doing so.

Sure, maybe he’s never made a big show of his opposition to it, despite voting against the measure that Trump signed into law in 2018, increasing penalties for absconding with classified material from a maximum of one year to five years, but that doesn’t mean anything, right? He probably just woke up one morning, just a few coincidental days after the Mar-a Lago raid, and thought to himself, as we all most certainly must have done at some point; “Gee, I think it’s really unfair to hold an ex-President accountable for committing an act of alleged Espionage”.

In fact, Paul, who as just noted, has never once shown any defined antagonism toward this vitally necessary law for the protection of our country’s most sensitive state secrets, found the situation at hand so infuriating, that he couldn’t stop himself from tweeting about it:Damn. That’s a strong (albeit hypocritical) stance, considering that I don’t recall seeing, hearing, or reading one dissenting opinion out of this sniveling grandstanding weasel’s camp, regarding the (according to his own words) “abuse” of this law to prosecute and eventually convict such persons as Thomas Drake, a former NSA official, who was prosecuted for interacting with a journalist for the Baltimore Sun, concerning the NSA’s Trailblazer project, an inland surveillance program.

I’m pretty sure that Shamai Leibowitz, who was an FBI translator at the time of his legal troubles, and who was penalized with 20 months in prison for sharing FBI wiretap intel with a blogger, would have appreciated Paul’s opinion regarding the EA, if only he had volunteered it, when appropriate. And let’s not overlook. Former CIA officer John Kiriakou, indicted for giving a reporter classified intel regarding not only the identity of a covert agent, but whom also revealed to the world entire, the CIA’s abominably inhuman use of waterboarding as a tool of interrogation.

Where was Paul and his faux outrage then?

And while his father Ron Paul, (a former U.S. rep for Texas) did express admiration for the actions of Bradley (now Chelsea) Manning, an Army private who provided a quarter-million classified documents to purported whistleblower website WikiLeaks, Rand himself, had a far different opinion, saying at a Caro University event in 2013, that:

“There do have to be laws to protect some secrets. I think if you’ve got the, you know, the plans on how to make a nuclear bomb that is a state secret. If you give that to the enemy, that is being treasonous. Even if you reveal it, you just have to have laws against that. What Manning did was just willy-nilly, just released millions of pages of things and I think some people have said there is potentially some harm from that. You know individual agents that could have been killed or put at risk from this. So there is a problem with that. So I just can’t support that.”

This past commentary however, is somewhat removed from what he alluded to, when asked about his current public stance regarding the EA, fresh on the heels of the M-A-L raid conducted by the FBI, which caught Trump small orange-handed, in illegal possession of classified documents. Transparently avoiding the albatross that is Trump’s act of alleged arrogant espionage, all Paul had to say was the following

“We have had people who have been whistleblowers- probably the most well-known whistleblower we’ve had is Edward Snowden.… He showed people that the American government was breaking the law, that they were retrieving all of our information. And so, for a long time, I thought the Espionage Act is something that could be used to stifle dissent and freedom of speech.”

As you may have surmised however, the issue with Trump’s illegal possession of classified documents, has nothing to do with the thorn-laden issue of Free Speech, and everything to do with the far easier to diagnose reality of alleged treason, so Paul’s reticence to answer the question directly, is both understandable, if not openly telling.

After all, what kind of cravenly lackey outside of the literary character known as Renfield, would willingly admit to being so? Paul is just another toady doing what he’s told, in exchange for the hope that one day, Trump will say nice things about him to Sean Hannity, and that’s it.

However, in relation to my dissection of our bloviating Bratwurst’s list of alleged luminaries, his next candidate, the former Marine Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller Jr., is a bit of a puzzler. For starters, Scheller’s only a “former” Marine, due to his very public act of calling for accountability from leadership, both military and political, as well as current and past, concerning conduct related to the pointless war in Afghanistan

Talking about his reservations, Scheller Jr, noted it as thus: “The reason so many people are upset on social media right now is not because the Marine on the battlefield let someone down, people are upset because their senior leaders let them down, and none of them are raising their hands and accepting accountability or saying, ‘We messed this up.’”

For taking this bold and dare I say, accurate stance, Scheller Jr. was jailed as a “flight risk”, an assessment he vehemently denies, and eventually court-martialed, receiving a general discharge under honorable conditions, the lowest allowed under the conditions of his plea deal, which in my opinion, was more to soothe the politically bruised egos of those in charge, rather than for any form of misconduct on Scheller Jr’s part.

So, with this one, no jokes no sarcasm. Instead, I will say thank you for your service and dedication to duty, sir. I’m just not sure how you got on the list, having a sense of personal integrity and all. My guess, is that Dieter the Bavarian dipstick here, misinterpreted your actions, and felt he should laud you for the wrong reason.

Semper Fi. Oorah.

But now, we come to the cherry-picked Candyass on top of Klafeta’s undercooked Gugelhupf, and it is a doozy, as you have already read: Kyle Rittenhouse, the acquitted murderer and wannabe militiaman, to serve as the Secretary of Defense.

Yes, it’s an obvious joke on Klafeta’s part, but it also isn’t. Kyle, ever so wittily monikered as “Kyle Cleaninghouse”, by the sociopaths that comprise the modern-day GQP, is best known for taking an AR-15 he should not have possessed, going to a city he had no connection to, and claiming that he was only there to provide “protection from rioters”, even though he had no training or legal authority to do so, as he was only 17 at the time.

What this overgrown man-child did accomplish however, was the cold-blooded murder of two protestors, and heinously blowing the arm off a third, before attempting to leave the scene of carnage that he had fomented, as if he had just finished a Happy Meal, and needed to get home and play with the toy he had just been gifted with.

And while he cried crocodile tears like a bitch on the stand during his sham of a trial…

… he had previously and quite openly, displayed a far less remorseful and somber attitude as he was galivanting about his hometown in public, after being unconscionably allowed the privilege of walking around on bail, seemingly without a care in the world:

Yup. That’s Klafeta’s favorite little murderer for the Alt-Wrong, posing for selfies, wearing a T-shirt that says “Free as Fuck”, and acting as if he had just won the state football championship single-handedly, which to his fellow sociopathic loser fan club, he just kind of had. See, for all their talk of “Law and Order”, today’s Conservative movement sees the equitable application of such, as wildly inconvenient for their agenda.

Case in point:

Yes indeed, no better way to showcase your infinite respect for law and order, than by attacking cops wholesale, pillaging a government institution engaged in certifying a valid election, threatening the people who work inside it with grave physical harm or even Death, and doing so, not based on some legitimate claim of political corruption, but because your mango man-crush, didn’t want to leave the position that he proved himself unworthy of holding, since his first day in office.

Now, while the sane still walking among us correctly call this an obvious attempted coup, the Alt-Wrong instead, chooses to refer to it as no more than a “peaceful protest”, and blames the resultant violence of their deliberate actions, on imaginary enemies, as a deflection from obsessively documented Realty.

Whether they wish to admit it or not, the GQP has become a Death-cult of the highest order, and regardless of the topic at hand being discussed, albeit immigration or abortion, their metaphorical streets are always stained crimson with the blood of their self-invented foes. Of which, there are seemingly many, according to the endless litanies put forth by these paranoid Mayonnaise Milkshakes.

So, Kyle here, is a natural fit for a dimwitted demographic that thinks it can overthrow the government using memes, the power of red Chinese-made hats, and a supply of dollar-store zip-ties.

I won’t speak for you of course, but if I were afraid of everyone and everything that I couldn’t condescend to understand, I doubt strongly that I’d be putting myself out there as a revolutionary for the working class, especially if my political support was placed squarely in the camp that goes out of its way to inflict the moist painful damage upon it.

Where there was once the chance of Centrism existing within the Conservative cabal, those days and that hope, are long gone, as Extremism rules the day, and the only way to succeed as a Republican candidate, is to embrace this demonic ideology with open arms, if not a corrupted soul.

Keep in mind, if you would, these jackasses are the very same people that think sending the undocumented to liberal cities, is somehow “owning the Libs”, when all it actually does, is once again prove that these Fascist f**kheads, are always on the wrong side of both history and humanity.

Oh no, Trumpers, you helped inadvertently, reaffirm that across the board, and on almost every level, that we’re far better people than you. I have no idea how we’ll ever overcome carrying the weight of a good and noble reputation based on personal decency and transparent morality.

But then again, as they did imbue a mentally-deranged future headline with influence both undeserved and untenable, maybe watching them implode as it dawns on them that they’ll never be more than a walking punchline to the intellectuals who will still rule over them, is something we should just sit back and enjoy in the end.

Because mythical Lord knows, if they put stock in the delusion that Kyle is going to be their Great White Hope, it’s going to be a far worse letdown than when they placed all their faith in a bigoted Oompa-Loompa, who unfortunately for their cause, turned out to be rabid as well.

As for Klafeta’s last asinine offering, that being “no one” should be the Secretary of Education, I can’t say that I’m all too surprised, as the current one, Dr. Miguel Cardona, is exactly the type of person Conservatives loathe: college educated, (natch) community orientated, highly respected, and (GASP!) Puerto Rican in heritage.

A former teacher, principal, and district administrator from Connecticut, Cardoza is regarded by his former colleagues for his adeptness at solving problems, rather than creating them, as his successor, the truly reviled Betsy DeVos, was apt to do. Given all that, it’s easy to see why a fan of Fascist cosplay, such as Klafeta seems to be, would want that particular position to remain unstaffed.

Multiple scientific studies have shown that when it comes to the level of one’s personal education, the more learned that you are, the higher the odds that you’re going to lean politically Liberal, and that’s what the majority of  the GQP leadership truly fears at the end of the day: smart people turning into well-informed voters with critical thinking skills.

Think about it. Imagine proudly being in a party that wants to ban the teaching of your own culture’s history, because it’s so terrible in its scope of monstrosity, that any attempted defense of it, would seem far worse. Not to mention, what political movement in this country is behind the majority of measures restricting the rights of its fellow citizens, so as long as they’re not straight White Christian men?

It sure as f**k, isn’t the one that wants to forgive $10K in student debt, and when compared to the one that instead, drafted a law (Texas SB-8) that allows private citizens to file a civil lawsuit against anyone who knowingly “aids or abets” an abortion, for the possibility of being awarded the same amount in supposed “damages”, the question of just who the good guys really are, truly isn’t that hard to figure out.

Add to that vehemently unconstitutional pile of Puritanism, the reality that Conservatives still go out of their way to ban and burn books in an age where such can be instantaneously downloaded to your phone, just goes to strengthen my inherent belief, that these totalitarian twats have absolutely no goddamn idea what f**king century they’re currently living in.

All jokes aside though, I do feel bad for Klafeta, somewhat. The melancholy he must feel being born far too late for an era when Brownshirts were all the fascism… oops, I meant to say “fashion”, but you get the idea. Regardless of my Freudian slip, it still must be one heck of a mental weight for him to carry, balanced against the physical mass he’s already dealing with

Nevertheless, I am curious what Klafeta might actually wear to a Trump rally, and whether or not he’d be able to find his chosen outfit in the “morbidly obsess stereotype” size so popular with that ilk. But I also have to ask if you might be thinking like I do, if he has no choice but to buy the basic tent kit, and do all the necessary alterations himself. A question for another time, methinks.

Now, I am aware that I’ve made more than a few none too subtle references to latent Nazism, seemingly based on nothing more Klafeta’s heritage, and intolerantly dense commentary, but as I tend to be a stickler for backing up my sarcasm, let me now explain just why I’ve done so.

And as the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words:

On the surface, this seems like a fairly innocuous picture, right? Just a jovially fat German guy, at some sort of formal-dress event, openly wearing, as his friend noted, a “Knight’s Cross with Oak Leaves”.

So, what, you say? Well, here’s what. For the record, a Knight’s Cross of the Iron Cross, or as it’s known in the German vernacular, a “Ritterkreuz des Eisernen Kreuzesand”, represents the highest awards given in the military and paramilitary forces that served Germany during the second World War… when it was governed by NAZIs. You know, the bad guys from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, and the go-to comic relief in almost every Mel Brooks comedy ever made?

Some background context: the last official presentation of the Knight’s Cross with its characteristic swastika placed within its center, was decreed to take place no later than 23:01 (11:01PM) Central European Time, on May 8th, 1945, due to Germany’s surrender to the Allied forces, although there was an instance of one being awarded as late as June 17th, 1945.

In 1957, a replacement Knight’s Cross of the Iron Cross, with an oak leaf cluster in lieu of the swastika, was solely designated for World War II KCIC recipients, after being greenlit by the Bundesrepublik Deutschland, and which is, I’m assuming, the variant that Klafeta is wearing, most likely in honorarium of a family member who is now deceased, or fell in service during the war.

And yes, while I am sadly aware that some of Germanic lineage wear the KCIC as a symbol of (non-militarized) nationalistic pride, it’s still a bad look, akin to waving a Confederate flag to show you’re from the Deep South, or displaying a “Trump 2024” flag in your front yard, in a failed attempt to dissuade your neighbors from thinking that your mother and sister are more than likely, the very same person.

To be clear, I am in no way, shape, or form, implying, inferring, or strongly suggesting, that Klafeta harbors any deep or respectful love for the NAZI ideology in general, despite his sporting one of its most recognizable icons, but to be fair, he does seem to display a fondness for utilizing some of its finer propaganda points as well, concerning his absurdist takes on this, our modern age.

I guess what they say is true after all; “You can take the junge out of the Sturmabteilung, but you can’t take the Sturmabteilung out of the junge.”

But I am confident about one thing, and it this- when it comes to the gift of being granted a working intellect, Klafeta was obviously standing in the wrong line during the time when it was being handed out, and nobody bothered to tell him.

And if you think that’s a tad harsh on my part, try this commentary on for size:

Damn. That’s a whole new level of stupid, is it not?

I get not wanting to accept reality. I get not wanting to accept a humiliating defeat. And I totally understand not wanting to accept potential irrelevancy. But as a proud descendent of Germany myself, I also understand that swearing open allegiance to a histrionic and cravenly man-child, with delusions of grandeur and a taste for creating scapegoats out of minorities, rarely works out well for us, as a rule.

Just saying, Lance.

Leaving our Bavarian bouncing ball of alleged bigotry behind, we now find ourselves standing on the metaphorical doorstep of one James Ray Spring, an Oklahoman and undeservedly proud MAGAt, who dispenses hateful rhetoric as if he were a PEZ dispenser sent straight from the bowels of Hell itself.

In a sense, pairing Spring with the machinations of Hell is just a tad bit ironic, because along with his slavish devotion to the mango-tinted bronzed calf that is Donald J Trump, Spring is also a self-declared Christian, as well. I say “self-declared”, because given his social, political, and spiritual point of view, no true person of faith would allow him anywhere near one of their church services, much less the deity he purportedly worships.

Why is this? For that, I must turn to the Good Book itself for the answer. From 1 John 4:20; “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” Spring not only openly hates his allegorical brothers, as well as their relations and offspring, but he’s also perfectly fine cherry-picking the Word to justify his spitefully applied misinterpretations of it, to boot.

In Spring’s world, he’s always the victim of godless heathenism, which wants nothing less than to render the very fabric of America itself asunder, and then, offer up the remnants of what was once a proud republic, to the dark and demonically inspired forces that machinated its demise.

You know. The usual stuff we all deal with, from time to time? Well, count yourself as lucky if it’s a random occurrence in your life, because for Spring, who obsesses over a wide spectrum of unconnected topics ranging from conspiracies to atheism, it’s a protracted battle with certified Reality almost every day:

Right from the start, I have some strong reservations about this post, as I highly doubt that there’s an organized consortium of American teenagers who openly support a treasonously dimwitted septuagenarian such as Trump is, and Spring’s inferred belief in what has come to be called “the Big Lie” in reference to the 2020 election, is just the inane icing on an overly flatulent cupcake.

Before I dive in to the disingenuous cesspool that substitutes for Spring’s undersupplied intellect, I want to share some details with you regarding what it takes to compose my acerbic assessments such as they are. The main key is deep dive research regarding who or what I’m going to be writing about, using the resources of social media, mass media, and even sometimes, direct conversations with those in the know.

And if I’m successful in my quest for verified info, I, and my chosen subject, wind up with an obsessively organized folder that looks somewhat like this:

This is how I do what I do: all of the data I collect, regardless of the final amount gathered, gets separated into its singular commonality, both for easier future retrieval and dissemination to my readership, and so that nothing gets disjointedly mixed up with anything else.  

For when you gain unfettered access to a hypocrisy-spewing cornucopia of sarcastic writer’s gold, such as Spring provides ever so consistently, you definitely need your inherent OCD to stay on point, for as you can see, the reservoir of ridiculousness, can top itself off rather easily:

In case you can’t tell, this screenshot is of the fodder marked “God’, in which Spring’s hypocritical observations are stored and catalogued. At the present time, (9/28/2022) it contains over 330 items, and if you recall, is only one of ten that I’ve assembled to house his asinine assertions.

In fact, Spring has sort of become by default, the male version of past Artbitch scratching post and fellow faux Christian, Ruth Darlene Seawolf, who may just face a serious challenger to retain her title of Queen of the Cafeteria Christians, despite being a featured subject within these pixilated pages, more than once. [Check the Artbitch Archive].

And why is that? Well, while Seawolf’s folder is divided up into the categories of God, (She’s a religious hypocrite) Health, (She’s an anti-maker) Social Issues, (She’s a closet Puritan) and politics, (Quite literally, one of the areas where she’s dumber than New Mexico dirt) it only contains 160 files in total

But Spring’s? Even when judged by my overly exacting standards, it’s still truly impressive:

Ten folders. Over 950 examples of Spring openly ranting about everything from imaginary voter fraud, to his disdain at the very existence of Transpeople. And all of it, foisted upon our society, by a hypocritical false lamb, using the odious masquerade of faith as a sanctimonious shield. Which, even as an avowed Atheist, I find morally reprehensible beyond the pale.

And keep in mind, if you will, that my culling his FB profile for inadvertent comedy, represents less than an hour of my time, spread throughout an average diurnal. Even at its most casual, just dropping in on his mental mendacity that he’s decided to devote himself to that day, makes doing so a breeze.

When it comes to ignorantly hateful bigotry and hypocrisy forming itself into a walking analog for a sentient urinal cake, I couldn’t have found a better example than Spring, unless I were to order a custom one out of a catalogue that caters to the manufacture of cravenly conservatives. But in relation to writing about him, where do I even start, as there’s just so much to work with? Truly, a daunting road lay ahead.

To that end, my sardonic sense of sarcasm is starting to get the idea that maybe, just maybe, I need to split James in twain. Metaphorically that is, and not literally, as the latter is illegal pretty much everywhere, even if you can somewhat defend why it was necessary to do so. No, in order to protect my developing story-arc, if not my sanity, I’d suggest that much like James himself, we focus on them in order of applied ignorance, over that of implied importance.

Therefore, I say that to start us off, we stick with what I initially opened up Spring’s tale with, that being the wonderfully paranoid world where his conspiracy theories are taken as gullible gospel:

I hate to say it, but this actually represents some progress whereas interaction with conservatives is concerned. It once was that everyone that they didn’t like, fell under the auspice of Godwin’s Law, which states that as an online discussion grows longer and more heated, (irrespective of topic or scope), finding oneself compared to either Nazis or Adolf Hitler will be an unavoidable eventuality.

Now, before you start reminding me that I just spent a few lines painting a Bavarian bigot as being associated with more than just a few aspects of Nazism, I’d offer the retort that I wasn’t the one who brought up “education camps”, espoused anti-immigrant views, or was pictured wearing the very symbol of NAZI military might, albeit one that was redesigned, due to its horrendous origin, so please get off my back, if you would.

However, like most fans of the classics, Spring isn’t above reaching into his personal way-back bag of non sequiturs, in a blatantly desperate attempt to deflect attention away from the obvious, especially when he’s confronted with a reality that he can’t defend against, using credible facts:

So, given this type of response to an event that is beyond debate as to what actually occurred, it stands to reason that since Spring’s party is rife with sexual deviants, his long-practiced gambit to slander all who oppose his ignorance, as being nothing less than an organized cabal of dedicated pedophiles, would be engaged fully.

But what’s the reality of this claim, targeting not only the expected politicos, but the numerous progressive corporations such as Disney, that’s eagerly promoted at the drop of a Chinese-made MAGA hat? In all honesty, when it comes to sex scandals, Dems are a randy little bunch to be sure, but so are the Repubs, and aver the last few years, the GQP has seen quite the uptake in sex scandals associated with pedophilia, while Dems on the other hand, seemingly can’t stop cheating on their wives.

In fact, when it comes to having been charged with, or convicted for, sexually-related offenses, ranging from child sex trafficking, to possession of child pornography, the GQP has definitely taken the lead.

Hypocritically, while they scream to the sky about the scourge of pedophilia rampantly occurring among their enemies, both real and imagined, they deliberately overlook the cancerous malevolence presently ensconced relatively safely within their own house.

To note, there have been no less than 11 of Trump’s political associates, going down for the aforementioned crimes above, and it’s a list that includes; Ruben Verastigui, Ronald Williams II, Adam Hageman, Caleb Bailey, George Nader, Ralph Shortey, Tim Nolan, Ben Gibson, Richard Ciccarella, and Anton Lazzaro, to name just a few,

And yet, when faced with these transparent examples of their own duplicitousness, the GQP’s communal base, whom Spring so perfectly represents, find themselves collectively unable to text, tweet, or post a single word about it. Weird, that.

Nevertheless, Spring has a lot to say when it comes to assumed sexual deviancy, such as he’s accused Disney of, and he isn’t afraid to share his opinions, no matter how homophobic, paranoiac, or batshit crazy, they may appear to be:

I have to admit, I did get something wrong here. The estimated box office take (at the time of this screed) for “Lightyear” was estimated to be 226.4M, but unfortunately, its budget was supposedly 200M, so if one has a basic understanding of net cost to profit, the movie while unique, was a flop. But not for the reason (a brief onscreen gay kiss) that Spring was gleefully fixating on, as seen in this additional posting of his:

If I may, let me correct a few major details in Spring’s wholly homophobic misinterpretation of actual reality, or in this case, his wackadoo preoccupation with an animated character. First, Disney did not get “rid of” Tim Allen, because this film’s Buzz Lightyear, is a totally distinctive departure from the “Toy Story” version we’ve known for over two and a half decades.

Irrespectively, taking elation in misfortune, seems to the main hobby of Conservatives these days, if only to push their false narrative that such depressive occurrences are due to the influence of “woke” culture, which as we all know by now, has the same effect on conservatives’ sense of self, as Kryptonite condoms have on Superman’s ability to confidently nail Wonder Woman.

The producer of “Lightyear” Galyn Susman, even clarified this potentially confusing issue for fans of the beloved franchise, stating in an interview, that; “People were having a hard enough time wrapping their heads around this. So really, we needed the toy in the ‘Toy Story’ universe to be its own thing. Tim Allen is Buzz Lightyear the toy. Chris Evans is Buzz Lightyear, the superhero from that movie that inspired the toy.”

Now for those of us whose brains actually still work the way they were designed to do, this explanation is more than sufficient, to elucidate quite literally, what the movie is all about. And due to it being an unexpected and far more serious take on what has become a revered POP culture icon, that’s where the fatal flaw lies, which has NOTHING to do with its inclusion of a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, gay kiss.

But whereas Spring is overly concerned, the failure for such, must be centered squarely on a chaste kiss between two married gay characters, because um… morals and stuff, I guess?

It’s enough to make you sick. Especially if you’re a f**king hateful faux Christian hypocrite like Spring, who it could be charitably debated, spends far too much of his personal free time thinking about unseen gay Sex between imaginary cartoon characters. You know, the way that most SEVENTY-THREE-YEAR-OLD ALLEGEDLY STRAIGHT, WHITE CHRISTIAN MALES, TEND TO DO?

Nothing to unpack there, kids. One hundred percent normal, no matter how you slice it. And the fact that both characters are gay women of color, played no part whatsoever in Spring’s decision to be offended by a move that he’s obviously never watched.  Oh yes… did I forget to mention that along with being an alleged Cafeteria Christian, Spring also likes to dabble in racism and misogyny as well? Oops. My bad.

It must have slipped my mind, what with all the other terrible flaws of his character that I’m going to be addressing within this two-part screed. My sincerest apologies all around, and I promise that I will circle back to these two topics before our time together is done. Pinky swear.

Unfortunately, Spring is not alone in his delusion that America is being besieged by a queer cabal, as there are many others who also truly believe (for infamous exposure anyway) that “Lightyear” was a planned set-up to not only indoctrinate America’s children into becoming fabulously glittered free-spirits, but was crafted specifically, to “target” America’s newest wannabe fascist, Florida governor and full-time Trump 2.0 cosplayer, Ron DeSantis, no less:

I have to tell you, whenever I find myself wondering what the failure of public education looks like, these two will serve as the poster children for it. Even at my current age, it never ceases to amaze me that people who can barely comprehend how to microwave a hot dog without the help of a picture diagram, can weave tales so outlandishly fantastic, that even the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard, gets jealous from time to time.

In the 50’s, Conservatives had the “Red Scare”. In the 60’s, they had “Hippie Hysteria”. In the 70’s, they openly feared the ”Independent Woman”. In the 80’s, it was all the rage to obsess over “Satanic Panic”. And now, not only do we have to deal with a brand-new mélange of all of those asinine fever-dreams, we have also ourselves infested neck-deep with a bumper crop of retooled bigots, who rather disturbingly, want to “Slay the Gay”, figuratively, if not literally.

And just how ridiculous and far-gone, is this Fear of a Fabulous Planet on their part, you ask?

I think this, answers that, rather succinctly, if not insanely. Jesus Fracking Christ, these mental midgets have a world entire full of real problems to pick, choose, and keeping to their brand, ignore from, and this manufactured mass hysteria, is the best one they’ve got to offer their slavishly stupid base?

On the upside, while this in and of itself is one of the dumbest things that has ever come out of the sewer that is Tucker Carlson’s mouth, it does serve as a perfect lead-in to his newest documentary special, which covers all of the topics that White male Conservatives like Spring, are openly concerned about:

And despite his advanced age, which in theory, should have granted Spring with some form of practical life experience, and despite “knowing” the teachings of his alleged savior Jesus, who at no point whatsoever in the Bible, references either homosexuality or his opinion regarding it, Spring, whose own personal life has never been impacted one iota in any way by the existence of the LGBTQ Community, still felt the need to (pardon my pun) set the record “straight”:

So, Jimmy, if people aren’t “born Gay”, and if Gender dysphoria isn’t a real thing as science has proven, then why have gay people been a part of the World’s edifying DNA since Time began without the insidious inspiration of gay-themed cartoons?  Oh, that’s right- it’s the influence of queer culture itself, on our ever so impressionable youth, that causes this abomination.to continue.

I guess it must have started with gay cave paintings, becoming supplemented by gay shadow puppetry, which then evolved into gay formal portraiture, followed by gay ad design, and then with the advent of modern-Gay animation, created the icon that took root in the minds-eye of the general public’s formative years, and led to a whole generation of vulnerable youth to question their inherent sexuality, at his behest,

Damn you to Hell, you wascaly, yet adorable, wabbit. However, given the fact that this animated sarcastic succubus of Satan has been plying his craft for over 80 years unchecked, it’s amazing that net all of us are really into show tunes, is it not?

If we as a society, aren’t careful, the next thing you know these Gays will be recording albums, making even more animated films, writing books, and starring in hit shows on all the streaming platfor… oh, crap. I think we’re too late to do anything about it.

Ok, my Rainbow Riders, you might have won this round, but rest assured, James Spring, the 73-year-old self-declared 100% straight Oklahoman who talks about gay stuff (A LOT) is on to you now, and he’s got a ton of anti-gay memes he just can’t wait to post.

Like this one, for example:

Now, without even asking, I’m sure ol’ Jimmy Ray here would tell you that “real” marriage is between a man and a woman, the way God intended. You remember God, the sociopathic deity who, in Spring’s meme it’s inferred, “doesn’t make mistakes”, and yet somehow, he overlooked the consequences of giving his creations Free Will, even though being omnipotent, he knew what was going to happen when he did so?

A debate for another time, I guess.

But let’s talk about how marriage is depicted within the Bible, the book from which Spring obviously pulls his justification for his assumed outrage regarding the legal awarding of it to the LGBTQ Community.

Does he gain inspiration from Kings 11:3, which details that, Solomon had “seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart”, because in the end, God was not cool with that at all, and it seems far worse, than two gay people who live each other, binding for life.

Or shall we talk of Abram from Genesis 16:1-6, who made a sex slave of an Egyptian girl named Hagar, who just so happened to be his wife’s slave, and then, after impregnating her, abandoned her to cruel fate?

As written: “Now Sarai Abram’s wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.

And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee.

But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.”

Yup… that’s definitely a healthy and “normal’ marriage taking place there. Truly, a testament to the two-gender system that seemingly defines Spring on so many different levels.

Or maybe, just maybe, Spring is a lot more open-minded than I’ve been giving him credit for, and swings to the left with the implications of Mark 12:19, which says;; “Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man’s brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother.”

Once again, that seems far more abominable than two gay people who love each other getting faithfully bound. Unless of course, you’ve always had the hots for your sister-in-law, and she for you, in which case- congratulations, and let me know where to send the toaster oven I’ll be buying you as a wedding gift.

Now, while the previous Biblical decree might seem bonkers, it pales in comparison to the edict of Deuteronomy 25:11-12, which honestly, and with all jokes aside, is one that I truly hope that Spring has never considered following even for a moment.

Verbatim: “When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.”

Yes, you did read that right. If you as a man, are getting your ass kicked, and your wife dares pull a “Crocodile Dundee” on your assailant in order to help you, make sure to cut off her hand after things have cooled down, just to remind her who’s boss.

So to recap Spring’s opinion; Gay marriage is far worse than having 700 wives and 300 concubines, forcing an unwillingly indentured servant to be your personal EZ Bake Baby Oven, and deliberately maiming your wife for having the audacity to try and keep you from suffering grievous physical harm.

If I found myself blessed with both the time and the hand-puppets, I would take a few minutes out of mocking my latest discovered hypoChrist here, and enlighten him on what marriage originally was- a business deal. In the so-called ancient times, women were offered as nothing more than a commodity, in order to strengthen either social position, or one’s economic standing.

The cruel reality was that in an era where women had no rights, and couldn’t hold titles or property either, marriage for the majority of women at least, was decisive in regards to their continuing existence and survival. But yes James… please tell us all how Gays losing half their autonomy from being in a dedicated relationship like the rest of us, will lead to the fall of Civilization, if you would be so kind.

Refreshingly, Spring’s willful ignorance isn’t just focused on gays alone, he’s also git quite the hate-on fir the transgender community as well, and as you’d expect, his knowledge of it is just as broad and solidified as his faithfulness in following the edicts of his sociopathically mercurial sky-daddy:

Let us pause for the briefest of moments here, to savor the unintentional ironic self-ownership of a man who demands that his invented deity be prevalent in all aspects of American life, from our public schools to our private health decisions, casting disparagement upon the practice of respectfully not using the “dead name” of a Transperson, because in his illiterate opinion, it’s akin to codifying a mental delusion based on the imaginary.

Take all the time you need to process this contradiction of logic, if only to let it resonate within you. But being arrogantly hateful, isn’t Spring’s only go-to schtick, as he’s also quite fond of crafting analogies from disparate topics, and then amalgamating them into a false narrative that’s not only intellectually weak AF, but if anything showcases just how far he’s willing to go to justify his own inability to willingly adapt to an ever-changing social dynamic, in general:

Sigh. It’s almost as if Walt Disney just before he died, ordered his cadre of Imagineers to build him a simple village idiot to serve as a background character for his animatronic Hall of Presidents, and in their collective grief, they decided to go one notch higher, and cement his legacy by fashioning the biggest jackass in History, instead:

Correction: the second biggest jackass in History, instead.

Although, I do have to give the Imagineer corps some serious props here, as not only did they get the artificiality of the man dead-bang, right down to the diseased ferret corpse living on top of his vacuous head, they also unerringly nailed the “nobody’s-ever-been-at-home” burnt-out light-bulbs that serve as his eyes, as well.

Kudos, guys. This is Nightmare Fuel, in its finest distillation.

Getting back on track, Spring’s hateful horse as usual, gets turned into glue sticks, long before it even gets out of his allegorical gate. Due largely to the reality that a 1970’s TV actor playing a 1950’s character, has as much relevance in highlighting the issues of today’s society, as “I love Lucy” would have in discussing gay marriage or the BDSM subculture.

Even more pathetically, it’s blatantly obvious that Spring, quite literally, can’t tell the wide-chasm differences between the two wildly dissimilar examples that he himself presented. First, Corporal (later Sergeant) Maxwell Q. Klinger, was a fictional character, who used the ruse of being a cross-dresser, to hopefully acquire a psychiatric discharge, also known as a Section Eight in order to avoid serving out the reminder of the Korean War.

To achieve this goal, this (once again) TOTALLY FICTIONAL character would consistently wear women’s clothing and stage public absurdities, to try and lend credence to his assertion that he was indeed, “crazy”. However, it was made quite clear from the character’s initial introduction that not only was Klinger sane, but heterosexual as well, because despite Spring’s comparison, cross-dressing is in no way, shape or form, an accurate indicator of sexual preferences.

As to the second image that Spring posted with all of the intellectual maturity granted a bigoted toddler, the persons depicted are Assistant Health Secretary Dr. Rachel Levine, and newly hired DOE employee Sam Brinton, who were photographed celebrating Bastille Day, at the French Ambassador’s residence. Personally, I wouldn’t have matched that kind of purse with that dress as Brinton did, as a clutch would have been far more socially appropriate, but other than that, I could care less about their dual wardrobes.

Regardless of self-chosen gender identity, what I care most about in regards to my governmental officials in general, is whether they can do the job required, or not. That’s it. Because honestly, that’s the only thing that matters.

And if they can, then who the hell cares? I don’t. And as far as I’m concerned, if they can also pull off looking damn fly in a cocktail dress as they do so, that’s just extra icing on the cake. Given my past history of wearing more leather and metal than you’d find in a San Francisco hardware store, being anything less than supportive of the personal fashion choices of others, would be hypocritical as f**k, and I am so not about that.

But for a hypocritical and wholly paranoid transphobe such as Spring, whose intellectual Slinky is perpetually tied in a knot, such proud representation, and in public, no less, is the very antithesis of what he considers to be a civilized and enlightened society. Newsflash, Jimmy Ray? Just because you don’t; like it, doesn’t mean that you have the right to cauterize it out of society.

If such were the case, I would, rest assure you, that Nickelback’s last eight albums never would have seen the light of day, and the master print of “Highlander Two”, would have been tossed into an active volcano long ago, along with its screenwriter and production team, just to make sure it, and they, could never hurt anyone again.

Nevertheless, maybe the real issue here, is that I’m misreading the lay of the land as it were, and perhaps, Spring isn’t the hateful, ignorant, hypo-christical morass of mental midgetry that I perceive him to be, and is, in fact, just an unfortunate victim of an as yet undiagnosed and uncontrollable all-gripping sense of Fear.

I’m sure that given my stereotypical doggedness, I could eventually unearth what It is that compels him to say (and out stock in) such preposterous pustulence, and by doing so, guide him down the path to becoming once again, a useful part of Humanity, rather than just another cautionary tale for the post-Trump era.

I’m sure that given my stereotypical doggedness, I could eventually unearth what It is that compels him to say (and out stock in) such preposterous pustulence, and by doing so, guide him down the path to becoming once again, a useful part of Humanity, rather than just another cautionary tale for the post-Trump era historians to come.

In fact, I do believe that my due diligence has paid off, allowing me to discover just why Spring is the way he is. It’s so simple, and yet, it was staring me in the face the whole time that I’ve been highlighting his abominably unintelligent point of view. As it turns out, Spring’s soul, as well as his alleged brain, have found themselves riddled with the mental disease that is:

It all makes sense now. Spring’s slack-jawed countenance and dead-eye stare into the foreboding distance, whenever Reality is proven, or even mentioned. His lack of critical thinking skills. The cultist behavioral patterns he engages in. And let’s not forget his incessant need to blame everyone save himself, for the self-created problems that he forged with his unrelenting attitude of personal dickishness towards others who have never harmed him, albeit directly, or not.

Factor in his willing acceptance of facing hardship, based on his unfounded assumption that it’s perfectly acceptable, so long as the people he despises are suffering just that much more. Normally, I would refer to this assemblage of character deficiencies as being those inherent to a sociopath, but that almost seems like an unjustified slur against innocent sociopaths when I do so, and mythical God knows, I don’t need that kind of heat in my life.

When the disingenuous dust that that these red-hatted Hatetriots so violently stirred up finally settles, it’ll be interesting to see who deflects their personal culpability for what they’ve said and done, and who will proudly own it, as if it were a fascist merit badge.

Granted, while I don’t know Spring at all, past his postings and insipid commentary, my guess is that when his judgement day before society finally arrives, he’ll be festooned with Trumpist flair, as if he were the fire sale at a MAGA retail outlet:

And once again, let us all not lose sight of the fact that these fine people, who adorn themselves with costumes absent of the excuse of either Halloween or a cosplay convention, and do so for the fleeting approval of a deceitful demagogue who wouldn’t condescend to piss on them if they were on fire in front of him, will remind you at the point of a gun backed up by zip-ties, that they are most definitely; NOT in a cult.

No siree Bob. Not brainwashed. Not indoctrinated. Not gullible sheep, walking amongst a like-minded woolly ball of wackiness. Independent thinkers, doing their own thing. One-hundred-percent fully functioning mature adults.

Well. That checks out.

When this wave of purely horrendous hatriotism started cresting a few years back, I was actually one of the few in my circle that remained optimistic about my fellow humans. At first. I honestly placed solid faith in the idea that over time, Trump’s numerous gaffes, corrupt actions, and treasonous deceit, would eventually grind his base of rabid supporters back into actual individuals as they once were known to be, and for some of them, that prediction has rung true.

But for far too many I fear, there is no coming back from their self-imposed brink, and Spring, I am certain, is unquestionably entrenched within that cretinous contingent. Irrespective of what Trump has done, ranging from adultery to outright treason, Spring, the cafeteria Christian will rationalize it away, or as is typical of his ilk, will just ignore it, outright.

And like most conservatives who bleat senselessly about not worshipping or listening to so-called “celebutards”, while actively doing just that, in concern to their dime-store-bronzed Count of Mostly Crisco, they can’t help but display their supplementary hypocrisy when it comes to seeking political counsel, either.

But take heart, as they’re only taking guidance from the sagest among them:

For those of you unfunnier with this Randy Quaid person, he was once a sought-after character actor, whose career sort of faded into the irrelevant ether, after it became wildly apparent that he had sadly indeed, gone full Trumpian potato. To refresh your memory, here he is, in one of his most iconic roles, that being the alcoholic crop duster and former military pilot, Russell T. Casse, from the 1996 Summer blockbuster, “Independence Day”:

Oops. My bad. That’s actually Quaid’s booking photo from 2010, when he was arrested for felony residential burglary and entering a noncommercial building without consent, Essentially Quaid and his wife Evi, were squatting illegally within a residence that they did not own. I am ever so sorry about that. But I did promise you a photo of his iconic and hilarious movie character, so here you are:

Well, damn it to heck, this isn’t the right picture at all, either.

Once again, I unthinkingly posted a booking photo of Quaid from 2015, except this one was taken in Canada, where Quaid and his wife had filed for refugee status, saying that they genuinely feared for their lives if they remained within the United States. And why was that you ask/ Well, it’s a doozy of a story, let me tell you.

The Quaid’s made this asinine assertion based on their unhinged belief that (and I am not making this up) they were being relentlessly pursued by a cabal of celebrity-killing murderers, that they referred to as “Hollywood star whackers”, who were accountable for the so-called “natural” deaths of actors Heath Ledger, who died of an accidental overdose, and David Carradine, who died from a case of autoerotic asphyxiation, which to say the very least, is not how you want to be remembered by your peers

Now, I do have a few questions to ask here, and they are this; first, why in the hell would Quaid be a target of such assassins, when it would be charitably obvious to say that at best, he was nothing more than a glorified second-banana in most of his films, and second; did they really think that an organized hit squad would somehow be deterred from carrying out their deadly assignment, due to the magic that is Canada?

Don’t get me wrong, Canada is fabulous, but I’d hardly declare it a safe-zone from the likes of a star-obsessed splinter branch of the Illuminati. That is, unless you’re willing to deploy the sheer carnage that is the combined forces of Celine Dion and Glass Tiger, whom despite their smash 1986 hit song, ironically titled Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone), you’ve probably long forgotten.

To be certain, I’m not insinuating that we shouldn’t protect our most-valued celebrities, I’m just suggesting that perhaps, we let sleeping French-Canadians lie, and by doing so, not have Hell rain down upon us.

The sheer absurdity of Quaid’s misapprehensions aside, can you just imagine the process required to put his name on such a list? In my mind’s eye, I’m seeing a scene lifted straight out of the 2015 James Bond film, “SPECTRE”:

Let me set the mood, if I may: the “Whackers” are all sitting at a long table, casually tossing out names for consideration as potential targets, basing their decisions on reasons ranging from George Clooney’s disastrous turn as Batman, (valid) to the annoyance that is Andy Dick in general, (more so) and without warning, one of them just for fun perhaps, tosses Quaid’s name into the proverbial hat for his involvement with 2002’ “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”.

I could easily buy that.

But just forget all that, as Spring has obviously done, and pay full attention to the crazy man pretending that his take on politics is both appreciated and relevant. To note, just in case Quaid and Spring haven’t received the news yet- Trump is NO LONGER THE PRESIDENT, and Mar-a-Lago is not now, never was, and never has been, the “southern/winter White House”, you absolute f**king loons.

What it currently is, according to law enforcement, draws valid comparison to how Master Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi once described the ethos of fictional Tatooine’s Mos Eisley spaceport:

Never thought I’d ever say this about Obi-Wan Kenobi, but damn… that Jedi could foreshadow like a motherf**ker when the moment was right. However, I’m getting kind of peckish just sitting here in the ol’ Lair of Snarkitude, and I most certainly, could go for a late-night bowl of Count Chocula topped with crushed Nutter Butter Cookies, so I think I’ll put an allegorical pin in this for now.

But i ain’t done dissecting and mocking the inanity of my newest scratching post, just yet. Not by a long shot. As it was once stated by the Joker in “The Dark Knight”:

Now, while I’m not seriously planning on doing “this” forever, or contemplating a physical act of violence, Spring’s consistent public displays of prideful bigotry, misogyny, racism, willful ignorance and sacrilegious hypocrisy, are just something I’m having too much fun writing about.

As its been noted, I don’t believe in God, or even Satan for that matter, but if I did, I’d have to thank one for sending me this gift of guileless density, and praise the other for giving him the ability to do so, with such undeserved confidence.

You’re free to decide who’s responsible for which, but I’ve already got my answer.

And when we come back… I showcase more of Spring’s truly dizzying intellect, poke holes in his paranoiac and erroneous social theorems, and wonder aloud, just what must have happened, to turn a zygote with a bright future ahead of him, into the kind of person that the Future likes to forget existed.

 

“The wicked envy and hate; it is their way of admiring.”- Victor Hugo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


The Greatest Story Ever Sold. (The Passing of the Christ)

“Is man merely a mistake of God’s? Or God merely a mistake of man?”- Friedrich Nietzsche

Hello Bitchiteers!

How are you doing? Got enough sleep? Got enough food? Got Milk? But most importantly, how is your soul doing these days, in an era where it seems that most people who assert that they have one, fall far short of the minimums that they’re supposed to achieve with it.

As some of you may have already guessed, today we’re going to talk about “God”, the Faith centered around his supposed existence, and if I have the time, I may even devote a line or two to his so-called lambs who adhere to his declarations very much in the same way that I shun chilled Ding Dongs.,

However, I will be approaching this topic not as an absolute, and most certainly, not as a supremacy. Instead within this screed, He/She/It, will not be lauded as anything more than an abstract concept, designed by deeply flawed humans, specifically for the task of providing at hand to other equally faulty humans, not only a protector over all, but rationalizations for how the world actually works, as well.

Not to mention, providing a steady source of tax-free income for those Machiavellian enough, to forge it into a cudgel of unquestionable authority within this world, if not allegedly, the next. Never let it be forgotten that the initial idea for controlling the intellectually simple and emotionally desperate, has been turned into not only a thriving cottage industry, but also as a means to acquire legislative power as an added bonus.

Religion: the only Ponzi scheme that has not only governmental protection, but societal approval as well, which to be fair, is one heck of a beginning for a so-called faith, whose origins came from a wife’s desire to keep the secret of her adulterous act from getting back to her husband. Yes, I said that. And no, I will not apologize for it.

Because depending on your inherent ability to accept reality, there’s really only two choices here- either Mary had some side action that went South of Nazareth, or you have to make peace with the fact that an all-powerful deity sexually forced himself upon a truly defenseless woman, in order to produce an off spring, which seems odd, considering that he supposedly created the first two humans Adam and Eve from scratch, and without a recipe, to boot.

Did he forget how, or was it just a case of him telling his office manager; “I ain’t got time for this, so find me a virgin, stat.” All jokes aside, if I were ever caught taking a whipped-cream bath with Milla Jovovich by my GF of 13 years, I seriously doubt that I could pull off the defense strategy that it was not I who was at fault, but “God”, instead.

Granted, that might just be due to the fact that she’s both an Atheist and a Redhead, but I’m sure her sense of palpable skepticism, would translate equally across all the possible hair spectrums.

For those of you fortunate enough to have never been subjected to the inanity that forms the first part of the Bible, that being the prologue known as Genesis, I’ll give you the Cliff Notes from which all of this mystical malarkey sprang: “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

Oops. My bad. That was actually a quote from the seminal novel “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, authored by Douglas Adams, and is a comedic sci-fi take chronicling the adventures of the last surviving Earthman, Arthur Dent, after Earth is destroyed by an alien race known as the Vogons, for the purpose of clearing the path as it were, to make way for a hyperspace bypass as part of an intergalactic highway construction project. You know. Like it so often happens in life?

And next to none other than the very Bible itself, it’s possibly my favorite work of science fiction fantasy, hands down. In the version where “God” is not only the star, the plot, and somehow also the actual author, lots of stuff happens. To start, there’s war, murder, outright genocide, rapes, betrayal, abominable sin, debauchery, worship of false idolatry, and in an unexpected plot twist nobody could possibly have seen coming, the crucifixion of “God’s” very own son, but rest assured, it will all work out in the end.

Or to be more exact, at a time that nobody actually knows for certain. It’s like the long-awaited sequel to “The Last Starfighter”, but with less Robert Mitchum, and far more Joel Osteen.

But don’t think t’s all doom and gloom, as there’s Redemption, Resurrection, and a dinner party that goes all shades of hilariously wrong near the end pf the book, and it wraps up neatly as the Son of God, (AKA: “Jesus”) goes from being a humble carpenter as Harrison Ford once was, to inheriting the family business, eventually kicking the crap out of God’s most troublesome ex-employee, a fallen angel named Lucifer, who gets banished to the fictional realm of Hell, a place not only of eternal torment and suffering, but also where he’s been living and working, since Time began.

Call me crazy, but sending Luce back to his room, hardly seems like a fitting punishment for the Harbinger of All Things Evil, but what do I know? I only drop in on God’s plan every now and then, as most of us seem to do these days. In the Bible, Hell is oft-described as possessing lakes of fire, where unrepentant sinners are bound in chains of ice, far removed from God’s sight, which when given his mercurial nature, presents as sort of a half full / half empty equation, no matter how you look at it.  

Nevertheless, this not how I envisions Hell, for in my mind’s eye, I see it as no more than an overly-crowded and poorly air-conditioned ball pit, where you’re forced against your will, to walk around barefoot on top of an ever increasingly shifting mass of errant LEGO blocks, for all of eternity. If you asked me, I’d opt out for the fire treatment instead. After all, I used to live in Phoenix, so if anything, it would almost be comfortingly familiar, sitting in a pond full of lava that’s up to my neck.

But as usual, I’m putting the cross before the guy who’ll eventually be depicted for eternity as being nailed to it, so let me start at the most logical place, that being “The Beginning”. I know that makes sense, but it’s also, somewhat ironically, the literal opening of the Greatest Story Ever Sold. 

From Genesis“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.”

So far, so good, I guess. And whatever you do, don’t dare ask where God came from, because that’s highly problematic to the overall development of the plot.

“And God said, “Let there be an expanse in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters.” And God made the expanse and separated the waters that were under the expanse from the waters that were above the expanse. And it was so. And God called the expanse Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day..”

So, at this point, God has established the future location of his base of operations, a place of beauty and eternal joy, that every Christian hypocrite swears up and down that they’ll be ascending to when they die, but not you.

“And God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.” And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good.

And God said, “Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, on the earth.” And it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.”

Cool- God has now laid out the landscaping, and thanks to his fruit-based forward thinking, everybody gets to enjoy a fresh glass of OJ with their Jimmy Dean sausage. Oops-he hasn’t gotten that far yet.

“And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth.” And it was so. And God made the two great lights- the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night, and the stars. And God set them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.”

In simpler terms, it’s dark, it’s late, go to bed already.

“And God said, “Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the heavens.” So God created the great sea creatures and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.” And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.”

And with that, you now know who is responsible for both Pigeons and the mess that they consistently leave on your just-washed car.

“And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds- livestock and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds.” And it was so. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.”

Finally- the raw ingredients for the aforementioned Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausages have arrived! Thank Him.

“Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So, God created man in his own image, In the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

(And right here, boys and girls, is where the Ineffable Plan starts slowly going South. Literally.)

“And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

In other words, everything with a face, save for your fellow humans, is up for grabs as either some form of cheap fast food, or as an overpriced healthy snack, available only from the fine folks at Sprouts.

“And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning, the sixth day.”

Now according to this totally believable tale, the very next day, God being pooped, took the day off, but not before he declared said day holy unto himself, because as will be revealed, down deep, he’s kind of a petty bitch, if not a full-blown sociopath. But to his credit, he didn’t rest on his newly created laurels too long, because in his self-created position as the one and true God, he had to get going with his master plan, which despite his predilection for working in mysterious ways, (his words, not mine) was in the end, deceptively simple, and went something like this:

Setting up a virtual paradise on Earth, that he calls The Garden of Eden, he stocks it with all of the aforesaid delights and delicacies that he crafted days before, and in a sheer moment of omnipotent genius, takes Adam and Eve, his two previously immaculate human creations, and deliberately installs the flaw of Free Will into them, despite having no real need in the first place, to do so.

He then instructs them both not to use it under threat of dire consequence, later going on to purposefully go about setting up an irresistible temptation, as he concurrently allows the corruption of the pair, by yet another one of his formations (albeit an evil one) who somehow, manages to enter and exit, the Garden unmolested. After committing the sin that he eventually would go on to classify as being “Original”, despite knowing that it was going to happen anyway, due to his inherent and manipulative omnipotence, he loses his collective cool about it, and banishes Adam and Eve from the Garden forever

Notwithstanding the obvious fact that the situation at his hand was ENTIRELY HIS FAULT, he sends the duo out into the harshness of the world beyond completely unprotected, taking it upon himself quite some time later, to transcribe a book via other flawed humans, in which he demands that they, and all of their resultant offspring, endeavor to spend their lives worshiping him on bended knee, otherwise he’ll toss them all into a bottomless pit of eternal fire, torment, those chains of ice again, after being deemed unworthy of his “love”.

That’s right- he loves us, remember? That’s why he’s doing all of this.

And in order to demonstrate this, he decides to send us his only son, born of a virgin he arrogantly forced himself upon, to teach us about the mercy of God’s alleged love, a theorem proven when the so-called loving God and Father to us all, allows said son to be mercilessly crucified, so that he can rise from the dead three days later, and then immediately ascend to Heaven, rather than remain on earth, where it could be arguably debated, that he’d be far more effective at spreading the Gospel of his part-time Deity Dad, than he would be appearing in either clouds or patterns on burnt toast..

I do have one small question that’s been nagging at me for quite some time though, and it is this- according to Genesis 2:7, Adam was created when; “the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul”.

Now if this is accurate on any level, and I strongly doubt that it is, then what was the point of impregnating Mary, waiting 33 years for Jesus to mature into manhood and then subjecting him to a torturous death, when all that was ostensibly required to create a savior and heir apparent, was for God to exhale on a handful of random dust bunnies?  Once again, “mysterious ways”, and all that happy jazz, I guess.

Unabashedly, I will admit that when I look upon this travesty of tripe disguised as allegorical salvation, and that, with the most cynical of eyes, even I’m impressed that in an age where we’ve conquered the initial challenges of spaceflight, harnessed the power of the atom, and live in a world that gave us both the musical genius that is Jeff Lynne as well as Vanilla Ice, the one that isn’t, I still have to give serious props to whomever it was that actually succeeded in selling this inane idea as a plausible reality.

Say what you must, and I most certainly will, but managing to turn a Middle Eastern Jew borne from what should have been the end of an obviously already troubled marriage, into the Blond, White WASPish Savior of All, based on nothing more than fairy-tales passed down orally from illiterates to educated scribes operating under various agendas, is quite the impressive act of branding, so says me.

Nevertheless, and despite my acidic assertions, I honestly have no actual problems with the conceptual application of spiritual faith- I myself have witnessed, as I’m sure many of you have, just how a strong sense of such, can get people safely through even the most difficult and trying of times, and not even I, in my darkest moment of black-hearted glee, would dare rob someone in need of that particular salve.

No, the thing that trips my ever-so-vexed trigger, is when the institution of organized Religion rears its hypocritical and maggoty head, starts spewing its discordant dogma to the degradation of all within its line of sight, including itself, and then, feigns the provocation of erroneous victimhood when held to task for doing so. It’s a winning strategy of secularism; slur, degrade, vilify, and when caught, claim persecution.

After all, doesn’t it strike as strange, that despite there being over 5000 Gods on this planet that have been worshipped by Man at one point or another, these ever-so-lucky-Children-of-Galilee managed somehow, to pick the singular Deity above all, whose celestial biases perfectly matched their own personal ones. Seriously- how fortuitous is that? If I had those kinds of odds at my disposal when I met Debbie Harry back in the Fall of 1999, I’d be still be gainfully employed as her personal masseuse.

On a more individual note, regardless of the amenities that mythological Heaven may offer us, spending eternity with the very same people whose condescending sense of faux Christianity I used to battle almost every day, is really not the selling point that they may think it is. Hell, itself may not offer me the throne I’m sure that I’ve earned, but at least the tunes will be good, and the strippers will be hot.

Mainly because most likely, they’ll be on literal fire, to say the very least. What can I say? When in Rome, do as the Romans do, and when finding yourself imprisoned within Hell for eternity, make your peace with the flaming lap-dance, and get on with the work of trying to live your best after-life.

Because as only the allegorical Lord knows, down here on Earth, most of these modern-day faux Christians aren’t presently doing so at the moment. As a rule, I do try to avoid making blanket statements whenever I can, as it tends to be taken as nothing more than ill-informed griping, but I do think that it is fair to say that Religion, next to Violence itself, is one of the most abominable creations ever inflicted upon Mankind entire.

Don’t get me wrong, the other bullspit that us semi-evolved monkeys have propagated sucks donkey tally-wacker too, but only the aspect of religion, gives culturally acceptable hall passes to its pustular progeny without fail.

How liberating it must be, to dredge up the malevolent spirits of Racism, Misogyny, Homophobia, Islamophobia, and willingly spiteful ignorance, then switch gears, so that you can then arrogantly claim that you’ve been “saved” and washed clean of your spiritual transgressions by the creator whose edicts you so purposefully misinterpret. And if you don’t believe me in regards to this concept, just remember the cornerstones of the ministry of Jesus, and seriously ask yourself if he would be cool with his most devoted of disciples espousing this, in his name:

I never thought I’d ever have to say this, but I may just have to call up the Taliban, and sincerely apologize for inferring that they were far too extreme in enforcing their warped sense of morality upon a formerly free society. Not only would Jesus be horrified by this perversion of his teachings, he’d probably also run the credible risk of finding himself crucified again by his own adherents, if he dared speak out against it.

And just who are the persons behind this pathetically unconstitutional power move against the LGBTQ Community? Well, none other than the Texas GQP, whose only purpose in life at this point I feel, is to help Florida feel better about itself on a daily, if not an hourly basis. That is, when it’s not plotting to put women and minorities back in the kitchens and fields, where their odious interpretation of God demands that they be.

Texas… where everything is bigger, including the repercussions of inbreeding, secular psychosis, and teaching children, that Jesus rode a Tyrannosaurus Rex to work. But getting back on point, let’s take a look at just what these wannabe Fred Phelps want to legislate, before we find out that in reality, they were actually so far back in the metaphorical closet, that they were using next year’s Christmas gifts as a substitute chaise lounge.

Now, while I fully support the clause holding birth fathers financially accountable, the passage afterwards, essentially legitimizing discrimination on the basis of one’s “beliefs” regarding sexuality or gender identity, morally reprehensible, at best. I for one, don’t believe in an all-supreme being, so does that mean I can now punch random strangers for telling me to “Have a blessed day”? because trust me, there’s been many a time I would have taken advantage of that, depending on the source.

As I noted, this legalized blanket pf bigotry is not only asinine in its unenforceable scope, it’s also blatantly unconstitutional as well, not that Texas gives a rat’s ass about following the established laws of America when it feels that it can somehow substitute its own in their stead. SPOILER: THEY CAN’T, and they already know that, but it does play well to the ever so f**kingly stupid base that comprises both their political clout, as well as their citizenry.

Even more ridiculously stupid, other than their collective belief that not only can they override Federal authority regarding private procedures taking place within Federal prisons if not the branches of the military itself, is their inane delusion that they can, and without questions raised, dictate the course of individual medical and psychiatric care to, and I quote; “persons of any age” as well, which of course, they also cannot do, in any way, shape or form.

Call me crazy, but for people who flaunt the Bible and the Constitution as much as they do, none of these Cafeteria Christians has ever seemingly read either one past the opening preamble, and believe me, it shows. Freedom, Semi-available in most states, but not currently stocked within the borders of what serves as the analog for America’s taint.

Riding along with these soon-to-be-overturned lawsuits waiting to happen, is the theocratical postulating that the legalization pf Marijuana not be instituted, despite a Dallas Morning News-University of Texas at Tyler poll, which showed that roughly 60% of registered voters supported the eventual legalization of marijuana for one’s personal use, while 83%, supported its application for medical purposes.

Even more against the grain of both common sense and majority favoritism, is the bizzarro idea that services to assist those suffering from the scourges of chemical addiction, should be based on an approach of ‘faith-based rehabilitation’, which, in regards to the established methodology not dependent on some form of spiritual bugaboo, has proven itself to be, far less effective overall.

Personally, I would love to see the reaction on the faces of the demagogies behind this legislation if, after being diagnosed with Cancer, or some other form of terminal malevolence, if they were told that due to their fellow elected representatives belief in a mystical Sky-daddy, their doctors were going to eschew chemotherapy and other proven drug therapies, in favor of Faith administered by a practitioner of Voodoo instead.

I’d place the odds at 100 to 1, that they’d as a collective, would uniformly declare that they had recently converted to Satanism, and demand immediate medical transport to the first blue state that had an open bed, whether it be in a hospital, or a kennel. When the chips are down, these so-called persons of faith tend to reveal who they really are, and quite literally, will start eating each other to survive.

In the end, their alleged adherence to the parables, is as thin as their loyalty to their fellow humans- virtually nonexistent. And when it comes to the mocking of their celestial crutch, rest assured, they don’t handle that well, either. Take for instance, this rather terse exchange between I and one of God’s favored lambs, whose name is Timothy Addair. and see just how fast his sense of calm evaporates when I question his belief in a fairy-tale cover story run amuck:

I’ve said it before, and I know I will be forced to say it again, but just why exactly, does the most-powerful being in all of Creation, require the unceasing PR services of his most flawed ones?

I mean… he’s already got the best-selling science-fiction novel of all time, a slew of successful movies based upon it, and pretty much every celebrity from sports figures to POP culture icons, makes it a point to thank him every single time they receive even the merest of public recognition for a minor achievement, so why does he need their help in regards to anything he’s supposedly in control of?

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say God has some seriously unresolved co-dependency issues, but to be fair, so do the majority of his followers, and maybe that’s why they’re always so on point to circle the wagons around their Sky-daddy, in order to gain the opportunity to be blessed under the auspice of his mercurial favor. And as you’d expect, the hypocrisy inherent within these Licentious Lambs of Fraud, is one of their most definitive characteristics that they display when cornered:

A few points here I’d like to address, if I may. This particular commentary came after Sandra Lubbe here, was boasting about how her religious views carried far greater weight than the injustice of stripping away the body autonomy of American women, a demographic which, I’d like to point out, she’s still a member of, even if it is only to be openly complicit in the targeted and certain to continue marginalizing of it.

Even better, is her serious query of “where in the Bible” was it, that I read that God was a myth, which may just be, one of the stupidest statements that I have ever heard in my life, without question. Where did I read it, Sandra? Honestly, nowhere specific.

However, when it comes to a book where not only Angels and Demons exist, but also where a man sires three sons when he’s no less than 500-years-old, I’m going to have some trepidation swallowing such a story, without doing some in-depth research first. In addition, said half-millennial successfully manages to get all the animals of the world on board an Ark that he built on God’s orders for that definitive purpose, just before the alleged Creator of all, kills everyone and everything on the planet, to make the world less violent.

Following the narrative so far? Good. Because it gets even weirder.

Despite that supposedly pressing concern, God seemingly as well, finds no issue with letting his chosen people (AKA: the Jews) being ruthlessly enslaved for 400 years. What a loving Father Figure. Speaking of which, a central figure within this expanded fever-dream, a father named Lot, willingly offers his virgin daughters to Sodomites so that they can rape them, gets to see his wife turned into a pillar of off-brand Morton’s Salt by God himself, and later impregnates both his daughters after being seduced by them.

And did I forget to mention Exodus 9:14?  This act of celestial grace, is definitely one that gives the undefendable actions of Lot, a fair run for their money: “I will send the full force of my plagues against you and against your officials and your people, so you may know that there is no one like me in all the earth”.

So, in order for the people to get to know God as the one true path to eternal salvation, he makes the command decision that rather than eradicate the sufferings of mankind, inflicted upon us by the flaw of the Free Will he installed within us all, he’ll just send a series of ever-worsening plagues instead, because apparently, that’s how openly loving relationships work.

By way of direct example, let’s take a gander at this sterling example of dual dysfunction, courtesy of my favorite local cafeteria Christian, who just so happens to be, not only a past Artbitch story subject, but more than likely, the future resident of a locked room wallpapered in bubble-wrap as well.

Ladies and Gentleman, please raise your perfectly chilled Ding-Dongs in appreciation for the one and thankfully only, Ruth Darlene Seawolf:

Not to be flippant in regards to the very real issue of spousal abuse, but if I knew anyone who was willingly involved with a person who as a rule, promoted this paradigm as a condition of their ongoing interpersonal association, I’d strongly advise them to not only cut off all contact with them, but to get a strongly enforced restraining order as well, just in case the science books I’ve loaned them, fail to take as a form of supreme (no pun intended) protection.

With all due seriousness, I’ve owned female cats that were less needy than this alleged deity, and at the very least, provided far more quantifiable comfort, unlike this infuriatingly insolent celestial deadbeat dad ever has.

Getting back to the point, Lubbe’s notating that people do not “need” sex to exist, just goes to prove my earlier theorem regarding her battery-powered sexual aptitudes, if not her overall intelligence. I’m not sure if her familiarity with the 9-volt lifestyle has jaded her past the point of rationality, but the last time I checked, without sex, earth would be less populated than it currently is now.

But I’d hazard a guess that when your entire sexual experience comes from fellating a book, I really shouldn’t be too surprised at the lack of biological knowledge you might possess. Moving on, her claiming unencumbered access to forgiveness, regardless of how she acts and what she says, because she believes in the charity of the very same deity that drowned a world entire, because he didn’t like the end result of his prevised cock-up.

And assigning the blame to me, for her succumbing to openly displaying her hypocrisy? That, boys and girls, is a classic Cafeteria Christian move, if ever there was one. I can’t say beyond a shadow of doubt, that the so-called faithful are disingenuous as f**k, but they certainly do seem to practice the art of being so, far better than anyone else I’ve ever met. It’s a brutally hilarious dichotomy that they’ll profess to be secular stewards of the love of Jesus, but are in actuality, duplicitous carries of the spiritual rabies his deadbeat dad crafted.

As you’d reasonably surmise, this virulence in and of itself, manifests within a wide range of delivery forms, but the most popular among the lying lamb league, seems to be the exclusion and degradation of all that they wouldn’t condescend to attempt to understand, even if their faux deity told them to.

In the past, it was mainly Atheists that they tended to despise, but with the advent of social media as well as ta host of sociopolitical movements currently in play, it’s fair to say that their access to a whole new slew of supposed villains has been extended somewhat. And who better to cast as the lead in the repertoire of nefariousness, than those whom you’ve always considered to be immoral?

As if on cue, enter one of the many unelected spokespersons for the American Taliban, a moron named Eric Moutsos, who… [checks notes} Oops. My bad. Turns out Eric, who most assuredly, is a moron of unquestionable certitude, is also in addition, a practicing “Mormon” as well, but I fear that I’m just repeating myself, and mythical Lord knows, I truly hate doing that.

So instead, let’s enjoy some of Eric’s keen observations from deep within the echo chamber of a malevolent ministry that in essence, installs a lifelong case of Stockholm Syndrome into its advents, regarding a culture they and eric obviously know nothing about, despite their seeming obsession with it,

Eric? The metaphorical floor is yours:

Now, at no point in my life would I ever condescend to think that I could advise a deity, especially one that according to the Mormon faith, is seemingly okay with the doctrines of eternal marriage, the practice of baptism for the dead, and the one that reality TV loves so much, the act of polygamy or plural marriage, but if I chose to do so, I’d just have to bluntly ask exactly why, in his position as “God”, people like this Neanderthal neophyte, were the only ones he could seemingly attract to serve as both customer service reps, if not public relations.

C’mon dude. Your dad created man from a handful of dust, but you can’t staff a competent HR department to weed out these dimwitted demagogues before they manage to slither their way onto your payroll? On the one hand, I do get it- the dumber they are, the easier it is to both control and convince them that this fairy-tale cover story run amuck has some credence.

But on the other…aren’t you two celestial icons tired of having to consistently distance yourself from the very same people who claim to love everything you guys supposedly stand for, while unswervingly doing the exact opposite of it all?

Case in point, Eric’s flawed insistence that the LGBTQ Community is linked to either the support of pedophiles, or the very act itself, when the reality is that the ratio of straight pedophiles versus those that are gay, averages out to a ratio of 11-1, and the stereotypical sexually-motivated reprobate, is ironically, not too dissimilar from Eric himself, regardless of cultural, financial, or spiritual status.

This is not to say that Eric in any way, shape, or form, possesses some form of abhorrent sexual deviancy himself, but I would also note that from my perspective as an outside the box observer, that for a self-alleged straight Child of Christ, he’s put what seems to be a Herculean effort into his attempt to validate his miasma of homophobic hysteria, into the concrete of certainty.

As the old saying goes, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire”, and when I witness anyone spending this much time crafting a gay-themed conspiracy-theory in order to reassure one’s own sense of “correct” sexual identity, the need to reinterpret that maxim into the much more relevant take of: “Where there’s rampant Homophobia, there’s a closet queen waiting to discover their unacknowledged Truth”, is literally a conclusion that anyone would logically follow, given the circumstances.

I’m not entirely sure who originally coined the axiom; “Be wary of He who shouts the loudest”, but mark my words, and mark them well, for one day, and this sooner than later, Eric is going to trip over his own willful ignorance, and rather than fall, he’ll find himself gently floating down to the floor, as if he were the first leaf of Autumn, and only then, will both he and society, be better for it.

Or he may miss the floor entirely, as he obviously does in regards to the point of the Pro-Gay movement that clearly terrifies him so much. A heads up, my closet case: gays are not, and I repeat, NOT “coming for your children”, because that designation is solely borne by your party entire. You know, the political entity that’s currently banning books, attempting to turn America into a dictatorial Theocracy, and doing all that it can to ensure that guns remain in schools, while taking actual history and free lunches out of them?

In addition, there is also no “Gay Agenda” either, save for the one where someone’s sexual orientation isn’t regarded as justifiable grounds for harassment, threats, slurs, and societal degradation, by self-righteous and wholly hypocritically hateful Beta-cucks such as yourself. The closest I’ve ever witnessed to this demographic ever having an organized outline in regards to anything, are only whereas brunches, weddings, and house parties are concerned.

But I’m afraid I haven’t given you the full context of who Eric really is, or to be more accurate, was, before bashing the Gay community became an obsession of his. He was in fact, a Salt Lake City Police officer, a job that he was fired from, after asking to be reassigned in relation to working a gay ride event, on the basis of such being offensive to his sense of so-called Faith.

According to Moutsos, doing so got him suspended for “discrimination.”, which he later attempted to explain away in an interview to the Los Angeles Times by saying that; “I love gay people. I love them like I love humanity. I just did not agree with some of the messages in that parade.”

In Eric’s “I’m the real victim here” narrative, he explained that In June of 2014, he was assigned along with several other motorcycle officers, to ride in Utah’s Pride Parade in Salt Lake City. They were to perform what he described as “celebratory circles”, or as us sane viewers of parades call them, “cool motorcycle tricks”. He told his superiors that his religious views made him uncomfortable doing something that suggested he supported the cause, which he does not.

In a public statement acquired by the LAT, Moutsos claimed that his superiors refused his request to work a different part of the event, noting that; “It is unquestionably my duty as a police officer to protect everyone’s right to hold a parade or other event, but is it also my duty to celebrate everyone’s parade?”, an assertion which congenitally overlooks the him doing his job, even if is an obvious PR gambit, does not indicate one’s personal support.

He attempted to defend this homophobia by weaponizing the completely unrelated analogy of race relations by stating to the LAT; “I asked my supervisor, ‘What if an African American officer didn’t want to ride in front of a KKK parade?’ And he said he’d have to do it. That’s when I knew in my heart it was wrong.”

Hmmm… “it was wrong”, says the guy who claims to “love gay people”, and yet, despite a track record of working as security in full uniform to secure the safety of gay and lesbian couples seeking marriage licenses, as well as a highly documented episode of defending a gay couple who were confronted while kissing at the Mormon Temple in SLC, he still felt the need to publicly draw his line in the sand, in regards to a parade where not a soul would care who, or what, he was.

But like most alleged bigots who find themselves unwillingly being skewered in the public eye, Moutsos parlayed his hateful ignorance into a brand new career, serving as the manager of development for the Sutherland Institute, a conservative think tank based in Utah, before creating the company Freedom Blends, a supplement company based on, and I am not making this up, “the principles of Freedom and Liberty.”

Some of their products include, First Amendment Multivitamins, Pro-Life Protein, Commie Cleanse, Sleep Off Socialism, and their flagship #1 product, Freedom Fuel.

And because the guy who has no problems with the LGBTQ Community despite all the evidence to the contrary, is such a people person, he also loves to hold speaking events where, given the YouTube Videos of his that I’ve watched, he blathers ignorantly about topics ranging from the Constitution (which he obviously doesn’t understand) to God’s plans, (which he obviously cherry-picks) for justification of his inanity, as evidenced by this direct quote:

“I love to watch people light up by feeling the spirit of Liberty (2 Cor 3:17). God wants us to be free. He created us to be free. He established America for just that. And if we don’t continue to gather and promote these universal principles, we will lose it all over again. My hope and goal is to not let that happen.”

I’d point out to Captain Not-America here that God plainly mandated that we serv him eternally or face dire consequences for not doing so, which to the educated among us, is literally the antithesis of: “Freedom”, but since it seems that Eric is pretty hopped up on own Commie Cleanse, that conversation will have to wait for now, I guess. Therefore, may I suggest Eric, that you take your faux outrage, and stuff it where eventually one day, your expected for quite some time now boyfriend, will hopefully find it?

Thanks. You’re a peach, if not a seemingly hateful bigoted bitch.

But as you might expect, while I would most certainly write about my interaction with this Christsucker here, I also felt the need to comment on his original post, as is my nature. Keep in mind, that the only thing required for ignorance to take root and spread, is the inaction of those watching it do so unchecked, and I am so not about doing that:

See? I can keep it short when I need to. Although to be fair, I’m of the mindset that if I had used too many words to get my argument across, Eric wouldn’t have understood it to begin with. Case in point one last time, if only to prove that Eric’s self-declared love for Gay people, is just as solid as his grasp on the teachings of Jesus:

Man… you can just feel the love of Cheezus coming through his most loyal of servants, can you not? I won’t speak for you, but I just love it when a hypocrite’s mask falls away from their lying lizard skin-suit, if only for a moment, and reveals who they really are underneath. While Eric’s so-called savior sat with the Lepers, Moutsos uses their modern-day equivalents, as nothing more than a spiteful punchline, veiled in crudity.

However, two can play the snark game as it currently stands, but unlike my Deity to the Dimwitted here, I’ve had far more practice at eating souls, versus selling the gullible ones pointless (if profitable) jars of supplements, so here goes:

In my limited defense, I would like to note that not only am I calling attention to his inherently ignorant bias, I’m also wishing him well during his can’t-come-soon-enough unwilling tenure in Hell. And in an even far more gracious gambit, I go one step further, and warmly recommend some crucial supplies for the trip.

But I am truly curious about one thing though, and that is this: how is it possible to metaphorically masturbate with the very guide book that tells you in no uncertain terms, just how to be a good person, and yet somehow, still miss the entire f**king point of said advice, not just by miles, but by multiple galaxies?

Referencing which, most persons who claim some form of dedicated religiosity, also profess to believe in established reality, despite the obvious contradictions that such loyalty to the theological, would inherently bring to the surface. I truly am sorry, but you can’t believe in the splitting of the atom and the potential of nanotechnology, while still adhering to the dictums of a Bronze-Age collection of fairy-tales, as your factual orientation checklist.

Don’t get me wrong, I myself, would love to be able to blame all of my transgressions on the machinations of a Hellspawn, but unfortunately, Logic and Reason snared me into a mutual three-way several decades ago, and to be honest, it’s been working out great so far being the one who’s solely responsible for my own f**k-ups.

Being a sensible person yourself, you might logically surmise that persons who place their faith in the myth that is the story of Jesus, would be theoretically in line with other forms of magical thinking, but you’d be wrong, for as they like to consistently (if not ironically) point out, they as a whole, don’t give any form pf serious credence to that level of spiritual malarkey:

So to recap, Christians don’t consult Psychics, Ouija Boards, or Mediums, but talking snakes, burning bushes, Angels, and self-declared Prophets allegedly working for an omnipotent and wholly imaginary sky-daddy, are perfectly A-OK to take guidance from in their stead? Got it. But even better than this prime example of unwitting self-ownership, is this following one, that attempts to marry the Modern with the Chalcolithic, and not too surprisingly, falls way short of the intended goalposts:

Label me a cynic, but openly informing us all, that you have confidence that a book of contradictory morality that was transcribed from illiterate goat-herders over the span of several centuries, is an incalculable assist in today’s age of modernity, is akin to my looking at a can of twenty-eight-year-old tuna, and thinking I can pass it off as the freshest of horderves, without the majority of my guests possibly suffering a fatal case of food poisoning.

But to be fair in regards to these Disciples of Dipshi**ery, they actually are very big on encouraging others to read, which normally would be considered an asset for a society intent on bettering its intellectual understanding of the practical at large, but unfortunately as far as said culture is concerned, they’ve only skimmed the source material that they keep pushing upon us, and it shows:

Look… I’ve placed stock in a lot of intangible things over my lifetime, and while some such as the Star Wars prequels have failed my expectations, others, such as the Mad Max cinematic quatrain, have not. But at no point, and regardless of the situation at hand, has the thought ever occurred to me, that I required any form of manifested celestial guidance to overcome the difficulties of a modern-day society.

As a rule, it’s perfectly fine to take some things at face value, but when those things involve proclamations from sentient ether, the intrigues of demons, and the propagation of alleged miracles, not only does logic need to take back the steering wheel from Jesus, it needs to do so, before the metaphorical car finds itself driving off either the proverbial cliff, or into an innocent family of four.

With no due respect, I’m fairly confident that if challenged, I could easily prove my assertion that most modern-day Christians are as familiar with the contextual content of the Bible, as Donald Trump is with unblemished ethics and the practice of marital fidelity.

I make this reference to the World’s Angriest Creamsicle, not out of a need to make an easy joke, but for the fact that just in case you missed it somehow, the Christian Alt-Wrong as of late, have fully tossed aside their originally cast Savior and his teachings, in favor of a modern-day Golden Calf, and his moronic miasma of mental obesity.

This in turn, has led to nothing less than the formation of a virulent cult that willingly, has sworn its unquestioning allegiance to laud Hate over Hope, Conservatism over Common Sense, and to endorse the unhinged demands of a mango-tinted man-child over the needs of Mankind.

And in this regard, they’re certainly not shy about letting their duplicitous stance be known, despite its level of outright if not duplicitous blasphemy, and all I need do to certify this POV of mine, is to just let their own words and actions, speak for themselves:

You do see the inherent problem here, do you not?  Other than the direct threat to the faceless cabal who are allegedly, are “attacking” Derek’s preferred president, there’s also the ludicrous inference that Trump, a known serial adulterer. liar, con-man, coward, and narcissistic sexual deviant, is somehow now, an “anointed prophet” whose life is based in serving the mercurial whims of the mythical Lord above, rather than himself.

That checks out, right? Because when I think “Warrior for Christ”, the first person that comes to mind is this mango-tinted, if not far more obese, version of Judas Iscariot. Let me put it this way- if Trump had been a guest at the Last Supper, not only would he have sold Jesus out to the highest bidder, he would have made sure to steal the silverware as well, right after he stiffed Jesus for the check, on his way out the door.

Not to mention, Derek’s casually arrogant transgression in regards to Deuteronomy 18:22, is also something we should pay attention to, because I can assure you, that if God did indeed exist, he sure as hell would: “When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.”

Essentially, what it transcribes as in common English, is this: “Hi Derek. God here, and I really need you to both stop putting words in my mouth, and to shut the f**k up as well, for if I were to pick a champion, I sure as hell wouldn’t pick a guy who uses the Ten Commandments as a wrapper for his hush payments to pornstars.”

If there is one aspect that I find to be truly vile about the ever-mutating face of modern Christianity, it’s the rebranding of its worst transgressional hypocrites being lauded as the purest of its spiritual seers, and the shoehorning of Trump into the chair once reserved for Jesus alone, is quite possibly the greatest con-job that the Religious Alt-Right has ever succeeded at carrying across the finish line.

Next to the fantastically absurd concept of an all-knowing deity sitting in judgement above us, that is. I do have to admit however begrudgingly, that placing Trump as the political embodiment of the right hand of God while wholly insane, does still make sense when viewed from inside the bubble of his movement’s bloviating bogusness.

He’s everything they themselves wish to be: vulgar, cretinous, selfish, hypocritically lecherous, and seemingly free of consequences related to his abominable actions. In other words, today’s modern interpretation of spiritual sanctity. I would also say “rich”, but since his lifestyle is blatantly financed by his brain-dead disciples, I’ll leave that off the table for now. So, just how do these so-called moral persons rationalize this obvious contradiction to their Faith versus their political ideology?

Well, they simply do what all lucid deep thinkers do when faced with an unwinnable paradoxical situation, they ignore it completely, and assume that all will work out for the best in the end, because when it gets right down to the brass tacks, the overall long-term memory of his cult is pretty much akin to a goldfish that played professional football… without a helmet:

I’ve said it before, and mythical God knows I will find myself saying it again, but if Herr Twitler here was seriously the best draft pick that He could find to run the American division of his six-day creative splurge, He either needs to find a better temp agency to lease employees from, or just start going directly to Satan himself, in order to cut out the inefficient middle men.

I for one, have always enjoyed the faux representation of determined machismo that the Vanilla Vanguard awards to the man who can’t take on his critics face to face, but place an I-Phone in the center of his tiny little hands, and you’d swear you were dealing with the ghost of Leonidas himself.

And when they’re not overlooking his blatant lacking courage, they’re depicting him as the very essence of an Übermensch made flesh, which to be fair, he does have a lot of, even if it is overall, reminiscent of one attached to a diseased Oompa Loompa. Now, when these hordes of desperately photo shopping fan-boys get such unfounded propaganda “right”, the image produced can be nothing short of … well, epic, actually:

Look at this. Just LOOK at it. It exudes Confidence. Bravery. Resoluteness. And even better, the armor almost hides that giant-ass land mass that he wittily refers to as his stomach. Granted, the head swap comes off as a special effect produced by the same digital effects team that were responsible for the James Bond paragliding scene in “Die Another Day”, but hey, in order to whitewash a fascist, sometimes ya’ gotta break a few laws of artistic perspective, I guess.

But as it is with all matters of propagandist outreach, it can also go so horribly wrong as well, and nothing ties in this observation of mine, quite like this depiction what happens when faux Faith and political abomination get it on behind a Cracker Barrel, and then give birth to the resultant baby just outside the front gates of a Trump rally:

I quite literally, have no words to accurately describe the feeling of “WhatInTheHolyF**kIsThis?”, that I’ am currently experiencing concerning this horrific homage to hilariously misplaced imagery. I mean… we see our lineup of American heroes, resplendent with patriotism, ready to engage in fierce battle with what I can only assume, is an enemy hopefully susceptible to dying from laughter, and all upcoming jokes aside, it’s seriously weirder than anything I’ve ever seen, as far as this sort of delusional demagoguery goes.

Let’s take stock, if we may- we have the late John Wayne, standing steadfast with his six-gun at the ready, and on the opposite side, the Americanized version of Jesus, draped with the colors that don’t run, unless of course, there’s nothing for us to exploit from where we landed, holding what looks like an earth-shooed grenade, because let’s face it, if you possess all the power of Creation within you as if it were the Gauntlet of Thanos, your most effective weapon will be the one that you would never think to use, right from the start.

However, I will cut JC some slack here, because much like how the Force is arbitrarily utilized by the Jedi, his powers only work whenever the plot seemingly demands it. I could, if were less of a cynic, suggest that maybe the Son of Man’s abilities can only be unleashed in the presence of true believers, but if that were indeed true, then all those prayers that have been pointlessly uttered since the dawn of time, surely would have been answered in full by now, right?

If I were to assess the effectiveness of modern-day Christianity to actually affect change given this parameter, I’d infer that it’s just like Voodoo, but with extra Caucasian added in, if only to improve its marketability towards a wider audience..

irrespectively, the true genius of this Alt-Wrong masturbatory morass, is the depiction of the mango-tinted man-child standing at its visual center, which is somewhat appropriate, considering his pathological need to always be the center of attention to begin with. While some of you mat-y think that the most dangerous place casually stand would be on any random street corner in Downtown Detroit, I’d respectfully disagree, and state that in my opinion, the greatest threat to one’s personal safety would be to inadvertently find oneself caught between Trump and a cable TV news crew.

Given the hallucinatory vibe emanating from within this paint by meth at home starter kit, Trump’s representation is still the most bizarre aspect being portrayed, tiny hands down.

As an outside observer to this madness, I get why John Wayne is there, (AMERICAN RESILIENCE!) I get why Jesus is there, (AMERICA IS GOD’S FAVORITE COUNTRY!) but past the point of lazily engineered propaganda geared towards the slack-brained, it makes no sense as to why Trump is. I mean, he’s not a Christian, he’s not a Patriot, nor a true leader of Men, and let’s be honest here, he looks goddamn stupid as f**k, whenever he attempts to act as if he’s down with the blue collars, as evidenced below:

Seriously. What in the hell is happening here? Is he passing a kidney stone? Did he accidentally sit on his undersized mushroom of a penii? Or is it just that the mere thought of an honest day’s work, causes him to be violently ill to his overly corpulent gut? Good questions all, but sadly, they’re for another time, methinks.

But I must give credit where credit is due, and give mad props to this artistic experiment as a whole, because despite its absurdity, the artist nailed his subjects perfectly, and did so, with ten-foot spikes. Not only did he cast the perfect setting for this delusion and fantastical battle for the very soul of America in front of the White House, he accurately displayed with no small amount of panache, Trump’s penchant for lecherously dry-humping defenseless American flags, as well.

And right in front of Jesus, no less. Say what you will, but that’s some brass eggs being cast right there, even if dually, they are the size of a dehydrated jellybean. What I find truly hilarious though, is the fact that Trump’s facial expression in both sets of imagery, is almost identical:

Now, while I’m certain that this is no more than a bizarre coincidence, it’s still quite odd, given the number of images that the artist could have used for reference, and yet, he/she/they still chose, and this apparently on purpose, the one that in my eyes, makes him look like a constipated bullfrog having an orgasm.

However, I’m still genuinely puzzled as to what the artist was trying to convey here- Trump who one would assume, is in charge of the allegorical skirmish, is also the only one without the ability or the courage to do so.

Keep in mind, this craven not only dodged the draft with invented bone spurs, he also refused to testify in regards to both the Mueller Investigation and the J6 Committee, and when recently subpoenaed to present testimony in a NYC-based fraud prosecution, he took the 5th no less than 440 times.

But yeah… the mango man-child, is the Chosen One, destined to enter the fray of battle, and emerge victorious against all who would dare oppose him. Note that I said “Him”, because he sure as hell doesn’t care about anyone else save himself, and when it comes to this country… well, it’s probably akin to being one of his ex-wives- he’ll use us for the tax deduction, but he’s okay if we have to be dead first, if that’s what’s required for him to qualify.

This mix of politics and quasi-religion is nothing new by American standards, [See; “Reaganism”] but I’d dare say that it’s never been nearly as virulent as it currently is now.

And the people who mainline it as if it were I let loose inside a Ding Dong factory, are quite literally, just a debunked conspiracy theory away from going full cuckoo, as evinced by this not-insane-at-all observational post, from a person whom I can only hope after briefly interacting with him, has no easy access to anything even remotely resembling an arsenal.

In advance, I apologize for its length, if not its sheer insanity, but sometimes ya gotta break a chicken farm’s worth of eggs, to make an oblivious omelet:

Wow. Just… wow.

Granted, there’s a lot to unpack here, but I still find myself leaning towards the assessment that Democrats are “terroristic tyrant terrorists terrorizing our freedom of speech” as the best unhinged tongue twister that has ever been crafted by a brain this cracked, their obviously twitching hands down. What can I say? I just love delusional word play, and there’s plenty to be found within this mental breakdown masquerading as a religious fugue.

What I’m not digging however, other than the bad grammar, muddled rationale, and inherent paranoia, is the barely contained seething rage directed towards all things unfamiliar by this eventual cautionary tale to society, if not the several differing agencies of law enforcement. I say this due to Andre’s numerous references to Death and the waging of War, that he’s sprinkled throughout his rant as if they were cancer croutons.

If one looks closely at the compiled list of Andre’s metaphorical issues with today’s society, coupled with his deliberate perverting of the Word into a weaponized cudgel to justify going after everyone and everything that Andre detests, ranging from Democrats (of course) to Gender Awareness, (naturally) it becomes fairly obvious that somewhere along the line, the once gleaming pinnacle of his Faith has besmirched zealotry.

And while it’s exceedingly rare for me to seriously and non-sarcastically, suggest that any of the persons I write about pose a potential threat to the citizenry around them, but if I were to do so just this once, Andre here, would-be at the top of my go-to list for a long-overdue mental evaluation and this, most definitely within the confines of a secured room wallpapered in the manner of a fortified bouncy castle.

And naturally of course, I just had to infer that in my retort, albeit in the nicest way possible:

Never let it be said that even with my overbearing sense of inherent cynicism, that I can’t be concerned about the mental well-being of others. And Andre, being such a noble paragon of his alleged Faith, made sure to display as much of it as humanly possible, in a response that could do no thong less than make Jesus openly weep that Ander was mistakenly recruited to play for his team:

Damn. That is harsh, is it not? No wonder Jesus ducks Andre’s friend requests, as if they were a cadre of Roman legionnaires camped outside his resurrection cave. Now as to what this Mormon moron is referring to in regards to his wordplay, is the concept of Reprobation, which in Christian theology, is a dogmatic belief which imparts that a person can reject the gospel to such a point that God in turn, rejects them and curses their conscience, which is ironic, since God himself seems to lack one of any note.

However, Andre wasn’t done taking a cue or two from his sociopathic Sky-daddy just quite yet, and decided that he most certainly needed for some strange reason, to prove just how far he could get his own head down the rabbit hole, and up his own ass:

If this is the best spiritual warriors that God can recruit for his “A” team, it makes perfect sense then that his “B” squad is comprised mostly of people whose home decorating taste resembles that of a Hobby Lobby located inside the bathrooms of Forever 21. But all jokes aside, Andre, for all of his obvious intellectual flaws, does represent rather succinctly, just what modern-day Christianity has become- hateful, unhinged, and given the right circumstances and odious guidance, possibly dangerous.

And realizing this, I did what I always do when dealing with someone who might be dangerously compromised intellectually- I poked him with a stick:

Once again, I’d like to call attention to my concern for both Andre and the court-ordered professionals, who most certainly, will be dealing with him down the road. I told you I was nice. Somedays, it’s like you don’t know me at all. But this kind of disturbed clapback such as it is, only serves to reinforce the proof of the disconnection that these blasphemous blockheads have in concern to both Logic and Humanity, and no matter where you throw your gaze, you’ll see the definitive indication of such, almost everywhere:

But after such a rather disturbing run of commentary, I do believe that collectively, we could use a small injection of the patently absurd, so I’d like to ease in to this newest of topics, by starting off our Carousel of Crazy with a far-lighter and humorous first installment

Before I dive in to this fantastical fever-dream with my usual sensitivity and assessment, some background context first, if I may: Mr. Woodford here, was in medical terms, “clinically dead”, a condition generally put in play by cardiac arrest, wherein there is termination of both blood circulation and breathing, which as we all know, are somewhat important in maintaining the continuance of one’s life.

When it comes to what is defined as a stereotypical case of clinical death, the progression is as follows: consciousness is lost within several seconds, while assessable brain activity ceases within 20 to 40 seconds. As the episode of CD advances, the risk of ischemic injury, which can cause potentially fatal blood clotting issues in regards to the body’s vital organs and tissues, is a constant concern. Granted, while blood flow can be stopped in the entire body (below the heart) for up to 30 minutes, the danger of permanent damage to the spinal cord, cannot be taken lightly.

Interestingly, while bone, tendons, and skin, can survive within a range of 8 to 12 hours, I’d suggest however, that if one has been turned into the mental equivalent of a carrot or more accurately, that of the intellectual void possessed by your standard Trump voter, then maybe accepting Death at face value, would really be the best option to go with, overall.

To note: I don’t believe in “near-death” experiences, given the fact that I’ve had two serious brushes with Death itself, and walked away with zero tales to tell, and when it comes to those who claim that they’ve been to Heaven, Valhalla, Ioka, or a Chili’s that serves truly edible food, I give even less credence, but I digress. However, despite my inherent and valid cynicism, if thinking magically truly brings you joyful purpose, then far be it from me to deflate your sadly delusional bubble,

That having been said, if you’ve had such an experience, and place your stock in that it was a divine vision over that of it being a far more credible organic hallucination brought on by the trauma of the traumatic event that put you in that position, I’m afraid my skepticism will eventually rise to the surface somewhat. Here’s the rub, as it were- if afterwards it causes you to seriously reevaluate some things in your life for the better, I honestly think that’s nothing but a positive.

On the other hand, however, if it turns you into a wandering prophet spreading a message of cheerfully disingenuous lunacy, I ain’t getting in bed with that, no matter how good your sales pitch is. If you’ve truly been to the Promised land, and all that you can describe to me is that the Golden fields were running amuck with babies and horses, I’m going to be very disappointed, unless within that declaration, you can also inform me, that said horses were riding the babies bareback, as their eternal reward for putting up with humans riding them. .

Given the rumor that Satan has complimentary lap dancers for new arrivals, and with only a three-drink minimum and no cover charge as well, you’re really going to need to bring your “A” game, if you want to get me willingly wading across the river Styx. And that in large part, is due to just how divisively spiteful so-called Christians present themselves to be:

How would he know” you’re a fake Christian, KC? Well, my first guess would probably be based on the actions and words of yours that they’ve observed, but that’s just me going for the blatantly obvious choice. But I’m sure that like all things, it’s just a matter of opinion, right? In fact, I’m sure with just a little research, I could easily prove that you’re a fine upstanding person of impeccable morality:

Oops. My bad. Never mind. Once again, for persons who declare from the rooftops that they’re all about practicing kindness, they do seem fairly touchy most of the time when called to do so, don’t they? But I’d hate for you to go away empty-handed, as you’re already dangerously empty-headed, KC, so let me grant you some advice and a personal observation.

First, it’s spelled “Atheist”, and second, if there ever was a (proxy)moron, it most certainly, is you.

Moving on, we come to the next interesting character quirk about the Religious Wrong, and that, is their declared propensity for dually fetishizing and justifying the threat of violence, whenever they’re challenged in respect to their thin as onion-skin principles. For people who allegedly serve an icon that promotes acceptance, love, tolerance, and fellowship, modern-day Christians seem far too eager to want to put a cap in somebody’s ass regardless of the supposed level of the provocation involved:

Despite Jesus saying in Matthew 5:44 that “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you”, today’s ever-increasingly psychotic defenders of the faith such as our future headline Koerner here, are just looking for a fight, even if they have to invent both it and the adversary that they’ll need to serve as the scapegoat for its fomentation.

I don’t wish to cast my net of aspersion far and wide, but I have serious reservations concerning the ability of people who willingly pose for selfies like this, and whom, as rumor has it, can’t pass a Confederate flag without touching themselves, of possessing the mental aptitude necessary to successfully overthrow the standing Federal government:Yup… nothing to see here folks, save for yet another garden variety American sociopath, taking a casual stroll through the cesspits of the Interweb, on his way to making yet another bad decision, based on nothing more than misplaced anger, stunning ignorance, and quite possibly, the undiagnosed after effects of being your own father.

This right here boys and girls, is what the underbelly of the Religious Wrong rests on- the self-declared moral righteousness of the testicleless twits that comprise not only the nucleus of the Gravy Seals and Meal Team Six, but also the putrid prophets of faux patriotism, who after they’ve taken America from the clutches of said imaginary enemies, will turn it back into the full-blown Theocracy that it never was.

For the record, both of these cultural impediments represent the Genocide, Slavery, Elitism, Misogyny, Racism, and Colonization that this was country was corruptly founded on, and the Bible represents the velvet glove that was used to jam said moral contradictions down the allegorical throats of everyone who wanted a far more equitable society.

Guns are the enforcement aspect of the hypocritical hydra, and as for the Bible, it serves as the propaganda that attempts to soothe and distract the embattled mass, as it disingenuously rationalizes as to why the force that’s being applied, as unfortunately so necessary. However, I would like to, if I may, hasten to correct the false narrative that’s being depicted here- Liberals do want to “get rid of” Guns or Religion.

What we do want, is to keep the damaging effects of both virulent ideologies that underpin them, out of our personal lives and decisions, our schools, and most importantly, our government and its judicial process. And as an aside, if you’re so adamantly confident that Jesus walks in lockstep with you at all times, then why is there a need for you strap on a substitute penii to simply go get a cup of coffee? 

I didn’t think that I’d ever have to say this in print, or even to myself for that matter, but when I, the atheist, engages in picturing Jesus, I tend to envision him acting far more like this:

And not at all in the manner that these pustular purveyors of the Word so proudly tend to do:

Aside from the ludicrousness of the message contained within this asinine and blasphemous absurdity, there’s also the issue of a supposedly devout Christian, altering the Word pf God itself, in clear violation of Matthew 12:36-37: “But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.”

Why is this an issue you ask? Well, other than being known for his prissiness in expecting his overburdened creations to slavishly and unquestionably follow his contradictory edicts, God also hates it when you deliberately misquote him, as well.

What Corinthians 15:3 actually says is; “For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures”, which even from a non-believers POV is as about as far away from the actual message that you can get, in my humble opinion, as this prime example of Christian tolerance shows:
Nevertheless, as far as taking broad artistic license goes, if it has to be done in the future, I’d suggest taking this approach next time, as it’s far less disturbed, if not dead-on accurate:

But leave it to the dimwitted dispellers that are modern-day Christians, to further misinterpret what at best, was already a crazy-sack of half-baked moral conundrums, and present it to the uninterested world entire as a sane philosophy and a refuge for the unwarrantedly self-righteous, even if all evidence to the contrary, lifestyle tends to show up long before their point for promoting such, ever does:

If I may, a few observations? As it is with all demagogues clawing at the parapets of relevance, this is simply yet another attempt to justify their own beliefs and biases, using the carefully cherry-picked narrative of the Word to serve as an ersatz form of evidentiary backup.

Let me remind you all, that it’s common knowledge that the earliest prototype of what would later become the equivalent of today’s modern-era gun, was invented in China, somewhere around the year of 1000 AD.

1000 AD. Let’s think about that, shall we?

For the non-mathematicians among us, that’s a full millennia after Jesus’s supposed death. To note, swords are not guns, and vice-versa, and for those of us whose brains still work, we already know this to be true, but as Christians, deliberately manipulating the fabric of reality into the fantastical edicts of a magical sky-daddy, is just oar for the course, so why should this gross distortion of Jesus’ intent, come as any surprise?

The full text of the passage displayed within this meme, is as follows: “That ye may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. And he said unto him, Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death.

And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me. And he said unto them, When I sent you without purse, and scrip, and shoes, lacked ye any thing? And they said, Nothing. Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. For I say unto you, that this that is written must yet be accomplished in me,

And he was reckoned among the transgressors: for the things concerning me have an end. And they said, Lord, behold, here are two swords. And he said unto them, It is enough.”

So, what exactly does all of this actually mean in the end? According to actual Biblical scholars, such as David Lertis Matson, Luke 22:38 often functions, [and I quote his work directly] “in a symbiotic relationship with Luke 22:51 to rein- force the picture of Jesus as a principled pacifist. If Jesus is countenancing some sort of violent action, his rebuke at his arrest makes it clear that he rejects the way of violence altogether.”

And for those of you not familiar with Luke 22:51, it says this: “And Jesus answered and said, Suffer ye thus far. And he touched his ear, and healed him.”

Call me crazy here, but this hardly seems like the appropriate response of a man who allegorically, was openly preaching the doctrine of being locked and loaded, just before finding himself betrayed by one of his own. Looking right at you, Judas. And doing so, right after Jesus picked up the tab (plus the tip) for dinner?

Dick move, Judy. Dick move.

Speaking of which, there’s also the matter of the erroneous visualization of what the 2nd Amendment actually says as well. While it does grant citizens the right to bear arms, it is also fairly specific as to why that is:; “A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Read that again. Nowhere within this sacred to faux patriots’ text, does it certify that you can have guns to solely substitute for your lack of a marginal penii, nor does it require them for you to go get your coffee. The purpose ol a personal, and as I might point out, “WELL-REGULATED” armory, is to defend the continuing liberty of the Free State, and NOTHING ELSE.  

In fact, the late Former Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Warren Burger, once argued that the sale, purchase, and use of guns should be regulated just as automobiles and boats are regulated; such regulations, would not violate the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. In an interview he granted PBS in 1991, Burger commented that; “The gun lobby’s interpretation of the Second Amendment is one of the greatest pieces of fraud, I repeat the word fraud, on the American People by special interest groups that I have seen in my lifetime.”

Expanding upon his estimation in an op-ed that he wrote for The Associated Press about the Bill of Rights in the same year, he stated that; “the real purpose of the Second Amendment was to ensure that state armies, the militia, would be maintained for the defense of the state. The very language of the Second Amendment refutes any argument that it was intended to guarantee every citizen an unfettered right to any kind of weapon he or she desires.”

Wise words. And from a Conservative, no less. Nevertheless, I’d suggest that it’s unreasonable on any level for us normies, to expect that people who accessorize their one true god with a fully-stocked angelic arsenal, are ever going to be able to successfully delineate their malevolent merging of these two highly contradictory and dogmatic philosophies.

And as usual, I will happily provide a case in point:

Well. This is an overstuffed cornucopia of cracked, is it not?

It quite literally, has all the things- evil agendas, disingenuous leaders, and an impassioned plea for God, the Father of All, who preaches love, acceptance, and tolerance, to get personally involved, and help in the effort to celestially turn my now native New Mexico home, into a war zone reminiscent of the Wastelands depicted within the world of Mad Max.

Nonetheless, I am open to the theoretical concept that I could be the one in the wrong here. as maybe these paragons of morality, really do have a legitimate need for stockpiling so many guns in the name of their wholly invented and faux deity. For according to them, as we shall see, they exist 24/7 in a constant state of siege, defending themselves against a world that wishes nothing less than their total subjugation:

I’m not entirely sure how to break it to Brian here, but Christ has as much to do with Christmas, as I have to do with Milla Jovovich’s sex life, despite my many requests to be involved with its planning committee on some tangible level. I’m kidding of course, because mythical Lord knows, those restraining order case reviews can be a real witch, even on the best of days.

Now, while Christmas has been a federally recognized holiday in America since 1870, its true origins go back further still, and not too surprisingly, they have nothing to do with the myth of Christ. I won’t delve too deeply in regards to the details here, for lack of both time and fear for my remaining sanity, but what we celebrate in this day and age, was insured by the many traditions surrounding the Winter Solstice.

In Scandinavia, the Norse celebrated “Yule” from the 21st of December through the entire month of January, in recognition of the return of the Sun. Germany, on the other mittened hand, honored the pagan god Odin instead. As they were convinced that Odin undertook night-time flights to observe his people, so that he could judge [as if he were the harshest of Santas] whether they should thrive or die, many of his believers willingly chose to keep a low profile during this period.

But the medal for party of the year, just has to be given to the Romans, who not only celebrated Saturnalia, [which paid homage to Saturn, the Roma god of agriculture] they got down with Juvenalia as well, which was a repast that honored the children of Rome. As far as blow-outs go, Saturnalia was the OG of them all- commencing in the week leading up to the winter solstice, it would go on for a full month, and was decidedly, due to its hedonistic nature and underpinnings, as unchristian as you could get.

So, given this background info, how was this swinging good time co-opted by some of the most uptight people on Earth? Well, as it turns out, In the initial years of Christianity, Easter was the holiday BMIC (Big Man In Church), and yet ironically, the birth of Jesus wasn’t even a considered footnote, whereas the overall celebration was concerned.

However, that all changed in the 4th Century, when church authorities decided to celebrate the birth of Jesus, despite the glaring and wholly inconvenient reality, that regardless of iteration, the Bible does not mention the date of his birth at all. This awkward lack of notation was later weaponized by the Puritans, in order to cast derision upon the validity of said holiday.

Given the presence of sheep herding in his origin story, some scholars have proposed that if such a person ever existed, his actual birthday would most likely be sometime in the Spring, because what Shepard in his right mind, wants to be doing so in the dead of winter? 

It is generally ascribed however, that the actual reason why Pope Julius I elected December 25 as the date of Jesus’ birth, was it being part of a calculated move in which, the traditions of the paganistic Saturnalia celebrations would be eventually amalgamated, but without its less savory proclivities occurring in tandem.

Obviously, David doesn’t know, (or care to know) any of this, hence the reason why his false perception concerning his false deity being robbed of his falsely attributed holiday, truly bothers him so much. But I’m not going to split too many of David’s hairs here, because it’s also fairly apparent, that he’s always had the wrong idea of what Christmas actually is or truly represents, for most of his life.

I’ll address the salient points as they occur to me, and hopefully by the time I’m done, my new friend David will not only be far happier regarding the ever-changing meaning of Christmas, but whereas his limited knowledge is concerned, I’ll endeavor as well to leave him a little bit smarter than when I initially discovered him.

I’d start with what I just proved using verifiable research, that Christ has as much to do with the celebration that is Christmas, very much in the same way that Nickelback has to do with the creation of listenable music. Following that, I’d also inform Saint Dick here, that nobody on this planet truly worries about offending a demographic of thin-skinned hypocrites who get their metaphorical testes twisted out of line every year, over the fact that once more, their local Starbucks didn’t get their holiday cups “Jesusy” enough for them.

Now as to his query of why people celebrate Christmas, if they’re not submissively unquestioning lambs of Christ, I think the answer is obvious; IT’S THE GIFTS, MOTHERF**KER. IT’S THE GIFTS. Sure, there’s also the additional bonus of the home-cooked food, as well as the family traditions, but the Artbitch here, is strictly invested for the gift cards and the possibility of adding to my collection of Star Wars toys.

Regardless, I do understand why David is so upset with us alleged basement Satanists, supposedly taking away “his” holiday, for it’s the one time of the year where his unbridled pretentiousness can run amuck and take unprovoked faux offense at everything he deems as inappropriately non-secular within his limited purview. But in the end, he really shouldn’t, because as I’ve already clarified, if you and Jesus are truly bonded, nothing in this world of the material, should really bother you one iota.

In fact, if David truly was a devoted disciple of his self-claimed sociopathically demented demagogue, he’d be akin to Ebenezer Scrooge, the titular character of Charles Dickens’, “A Christmas Carol”, who after being shown the error of his previously insular ways, vows that; “I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach.”

See David? The answer to your imaginary issue, was to be found in the book all along. Unfortunately for you, and much like the Bible that you’ve never cracked open, you haven’t read that one, either.

Moving on, we arrive at our next stop of delusional doublethink, courtesy of David’s fellow Christian-in-name only, one Mr. John Haniford. I’ve referenced Haniford before in a prior screed*, due to his penchant for comments both racist and homophobic, but histheorem as to why one should “believe’ in God, may be one of my favorite comments from this walking contradiction for Christ, hands down:
*[Artbitch Archive: May, 2022: “Conspiracy Drearies Pt. 2 (Transpotting)”

In case you missed the truly dizzying intellect on display here, Haniford suggests that even if you have serious doubts concerning or questioning, the existence of God, you should still worship him nevertheless, and I mean this literally, “just in case” you happen to be wrong.

Looking at it objectively, that is a truly compelling gambit to sell me wholesale on being in subjugation to a sociopath for the run of my natural life, based on the unwarranted hope that when I get to Heaven, I might have a shot at the ,late Tawny Kitaen.

Or it would be, if I was a complete f**king idiot. And as for the former Mrs. David Coverdale of Whitesnake fame, say what you will about her thespian theatrics, but I will go to my grave openly declaring this was the best hair metal girl of all time. All of my 80’s fan-boying aside, I still need to address Haniford’s somewhat disingenuous take concerning the application of slavish faith, so let me start with his premise as a collective whole.

If I follow the gist of Haniford’s proposition, it infers that I should spend my life entire, submissively groveling at the unworthy feet of a mercurial schizoid, lest I find myself dammed for all of eternity for not basing my very existence itself in fear of such.

Not only will I take a hard pass regarding this abject stupidity, I’ll go one better, and check off all the things listed that I’m not supposed to do as well, because as I’ve previously noted, spending my time with persons like Haniford in perpetuity, really isn’t the selling point that he might think it is.

To quote the song “The Wages of Sin” as written by the highly underrated Texas band the Rainmakers; “The wages of sin, the reward of fear, Is worrying and fretting every second of the year- If Heaven is guilt, no sex and no show, then I’m not sure if I really want to go.”

Call me crazy if you must, but to attempt selling me on upending my current existence in order to appease a never-seen, never-heard, and never-experienced sky-daddy, seems like a colossal act of deliberate self-delusion at best, and a disturbing and undiagnosed case of severe mental illness, at its worst.

However, as I am quite the reasonable person, I’ll make Hanford a deal- the day I can walk out of a courtroom scot-free after committing a crime, based on my openly stating that either “God forgives me”, or “the Devil made me do it”, that is the day I will happily covert to ascribing to Haniford’s White Voodoo cult, and I’ll even be willing to buy all of the garbage that comes with it, in order to atone for all of my previously imaginary sins.

Nevertheless, until that most glorious of days arrives, replete with its expected herald of Angels, my newest BFF Haniford here, is cordially invited to go take a flying f**k at a rolling doughnut, and call us square.

But as with all things, total and willing immersion within the unholy Waters of Wackadoo, will in time, eventually turn your intellect into a shriveled prune, and to close off this latest screed of mine, I’ll leave you with two prime examples of such to bolster this theorem of mine. First up, let’s meet a person who best exemplifies just why you’re not supposed to seriously consider producing your Meth using the application of an EZ-Bake oven:
Let me just go over the list here, if I may: is there incoherent babbling in literary form? Check. Are there abominable grammar, spelling, and sentence structuring errors as well? Check. And finally, does the entirety of said statement read as if they’re auditioning for the lead role in a remake of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”? Yup, a clean sweep across the board. Job well done, I must say.

But as insane as that is, there’s still far better evidence that these people live in a bubble of their own making, and this time around it’s one Samuel E. Tolley III, who brings us this deep brain-fried nugget of Christian love, faith, and tolerance, albeit one that’s been dipped repeatedly in a spicy WTF sauce:

Now, I know it’s been several decades since I regularly attended church, but if this is what’s on the current roster for Sunday services, those Houses of Worship sound lit as f**k. Minus the child sacrifice of course, because a man has to draw a line somewhere, even if every now and then, I’d like to see the consistently shrieking brat across the street get launched to Venus, using the services of a Trebuchet.

Tolley, who just so happens to be the author of a quaint little tome titled; “Enemy of Christ Revelation 21:8” which according to its online description, asks the ever-so-important question; “Are you a friend or an enemy of Christ?”, is definitely one to be considered for a future insertion in a secured room wallpapered in bubble wrap, given his absurdly asinine misinterpretation of what Christianity actually is, and what he erroneously thinks it’s valid detractors represent.

One of the things that I’ve always found curious in respect to the interpretation of religion, regardless of whatever aspect of it is represented, is just how some of its adherents manage to take an otherwise openly positive message of Love, Peace, and Inclusiveness, and deliberately mangle it, into a virulent and potentially violent memorandum of malevolence.

One of the things that I’ve always found curious in respect to the interpretation of religion, regardless of whatever aspect of it is represented, is just how some of its adherents manage to take an otherwise openly positive message of Love, Peace, and Inclusiveness, and deliberately mangle it into a virulent and potentially violent memorandum of malevolence.

There’s an old saying that declares that; “Third time’s the Charm”, but if this applies to Tolley, I can inky shudder at what his two previous iterations must have espoused.

To note, what Tolley is referencing in his straight to the obscurity bin book’s title, is this: “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”:

I could drop some serious shade here, concerning this biblical passage, by inferring that it’s no more than a detailed listing of the required characteristics to be considered a role model in the modern-day GQP,  but I think I’ll take the high road instead, and point out that by referencing this for his tepid tome, Tolley has perfectly positioned himself, as nothing less than the hypocrite’s go-to hypocrite.

Why do I say this? Let me count the ways: first, he supports a party that not only routinely defends or even worse, promotes persons of moral ambiguousness to run for higher office, despite the taint of their being accused and/or convicted, of a host of serious crimes, ranging from sexual assault to domestic violence.

Second, in a blatant case of calling the pot black, several of Trump’s political associates, such as Ruben Verastigui, Ronald Williams II, Adam Hageman, Caleb Bailey, George Nader, Ralph Shortey, Tim Nolan, Ben Gibson, Richard Ciccarella, and Anton Lazzaro, to name just a few, have all been charged with, or convicted for, sexually-related offenses, ranging from child sex trafficking, to possession of child pornography.

Third, Tolley’s chosen political home also invested a great deal of time and media coverage in the lauding of unrepentant murderers such as Kyle Rittenhouse, who gunned down three people (killing two) at a protest in Kenosha, Wisconsin, as well as decrying the conviction of a former Minneapolis cop turned convicted killer, Derek Chauvin, who willingly asphyxiated a handcuffed suspect by the name of George Floyd, over the course of ten agonizing minutes

This cold-blooded act of authoritarian abuse, led to worldwide protests against the current epidemic that is police brutality, but yes, my Troll-House kooky… it’s the Democrats who are in league with the allegorical Devil in these truly dark times. From an outsider’s perspective, Tolley’s list of imaginary transgressions that he slurs the Democrats with, is quite disturbing overall, but when measured against the moral atrocities that his God has engineered, it pales by contrast. Let’s compare the score sheets, if we may.

Child Sacrifice:  God seems cool with it, for as it is noted in 2 Kings 2:24:When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two female bears came out of the woods and TORE UP FORTY-TWO lads of their number.” And let’s not overlook Genesis 22: where God commands Abraham; “Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and OFFER HIM there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.”

Say what you will, but when taken at face value, God’s worth as a potential babysitter, should probably be centered somewhere between Freddy Kreuger and Albert Fish, if you take into account as you should, his penchant for murdering his creations wholesale.

Sodomy: Man, oh man, do Christians hate this sexual act or what? In the abstract, the implication one can glean from examining the relevant passages referencing it within the Bible itself, is that it has far less to do with its stereotypical homosexual connotation, as it tends to be used as a descriptive for both the act of rape and the attempt, to do so as declared in Genesis 9:20–27, and 19:1–11. Prostitution has also been associated with this act in tandem, as noted within the texts of Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, 1 Corinthians 6:9–10, and Timothy 1:10.

And for people who claim to hate the practice so much, it does seem like an awful lot of Christians are morbidly fascinated with the intricacies of unfettered ass-play, regardless of what other sins may be up for discussion at the time. I’m sure that there’s nothing there worth sharing with the class. At least not for now.

Nature Worship: To that, I will present the passage that is Job 12:7–10: “But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this?” Once again, he seems cool with it, so long as you don’t engage in acts of abhorrent sodomy, while you’re appreciating his six-day investment.

However, Conservatives disrespecting Mother Nature really isn’t all that strange, bearing in mind that when they look at it, all they see is yet another opportunity to cast degradation upon something widely considered to be feminine, but this time, managing to turn a profit while doing so.

Blasphemy, Idolatry, Defamation of God & False Christianity:This, from the people who’ve willingly replaced Jesus with Trump, the Word with populist propaganda, and represent the teachings within the Bible, akin to the way that Ted Bundy once represented being an ally for the Women’s Rights movement. Of the 70’s. Not only do these disingenuous demagogues represent a very real threat to both our culture and country, they’re also accordingly, their own worst enemy as well.

Affording the normal amount of societal shift that occurs over decades, modern-day religion in general, is on the decline. Christianity, the largest religion in the United States, was once tabulated as being the primary faith of 73.7% of the total population in 2016, but by 2020, only 47% of Americans said that they belonged to a church, down from the previously set highwater mark of 70%, in 1999.

And while there was an increase in Catholic membership between the years of 2000 and 2017, there was also, an almost 11% decline in the number of churches. Unsurprisingly, the numbers continue to spiral ever downward, as weekly church attendance among Catholics, has dropped from 55% in 1970, to today’s average of 20%,

It’s almost as if across the board, critical thinking adults have started to realize that as well as being a cancer upon one’s humanistic outlook, organized religion directly affects our interpersonal and political relationships to boot, and not for the better.

The lauded Italian inventor and astronomer, Galileo Galilei, once opined that; “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect, has intended us to forgo their use.” A philosophical assessment that i would strongly encourage every self-declared Christion to cast some personal reflection upon. That is, when they can take the time to stop contradicting themselves, via their own words, actions, and hypocritical misdeeds.

In closing, i will quote author Salman Rushdie, who succinctly summed up the absurdity of presenting religion as a protected bastion of inscrutability: “Respect for Religion” has become a code phrase for “fear of Religion”. Religions, like all other ideas, deserve criticism, satire, and yes, our fearless disrespect.”

Speaking the truth, Salman. However, since it didn’t come from a talking snake, a burning bush, a disembodied voice in the clouds, or appear as a stain in the shape of the Holy Mother, I doubt that any of these dimwitted disciples, will grasp it.

 

“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?” – Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy