Wayne Michael Reich

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Wayne Michael Reich

In the Nick of Slime (Writes off The Round Table)

“Apart from values and ethics which I have tried to live by, the legacy I would like to leave behind is a very simple one – that I have always stood up for what I consider to be the right thing, and I have tried to be as fair and equitable as I could be.”- Ratan Tata

Hello Bitchiteers!

It is simply a lovely day out here in my hamlet of Silver City, New Mexico. The suns is shining, the clouds are puffy, and the sky can only be described as a *atemberaubend shade of azure blue. It’s almost as if the mythical god skinned a Smurf for inspiration in order to create the heavens. Not to mention that at the moment, the sound system at my office away from the office, also known as Little Toad Creek Brewery and Distillery, is cranking “She Sells Sanctuary” by the Cult. At a volume that can only be noted as: “Is that loud enough for you, Mptherf**ker?” “[Stunning” in German]

Why yes. Yes, it is. And it is awesome. I’m in one of my favorite happy places, surrounded by waitresses who all look like Wonder Woman with her hair combed out, sitting at my kingdom of the round as I write this, and I swear, if I die tomorrow, I want this six-top table to be buried with me, as I can’t think of anywhere else on this planet that I’ve ever been this productive, and I see no reason to change that, even if I do wind up roasting for all eternity just outside the gilded doors leading to Hades’ hallway.

Just keep the ice-cold Coca-Cola flowing like water, and it’ll be all good:

Partner that with this giant verboten pretzel I’m currently devouring, in place of a Diabetic-safe lunch, and you’ll see why I’m currently content as a as if I were a pack of piranha on vacation in the wading pool of a Florida retirement home.

Seriously. Just look at the size of this thing. Odin himself would trade his other eye in a heartbeat to get his oversized Nordic mitts on one of these, and even better? The cheese sauce it comes with, is green-chile-infused. Does Life get any better?
Granted, I’m sure it could, but last time I checked, Milla Jovovich is not returning any of my phone calls, and is still happily married to a man who’s overall health remains annoyingly excellent. However, the aforementioned pretzel does come with a side of jalapeno-infused cheese sauce, so that’s almost as good… almost.

But as a counterbalance, Milla does have far less carbohydrates, and to a diabetic like myself, dietary considerations are key to one’s ongoing personal happiness, so there is that. Plus, my GF of 12 years Ashley, would remind me that my odds of adding a sexy Ukrainian to my collection without her smothering me in my sleep because of my doing so, are just as good as my chances of being cast as a lead in a Star Wars movie, which is actually item number three on my bucket list. I just want to fly the Millennium Falcon once, kick a Jedi’s ass in a light-saber battle, and it’ll be all good.

And no, I’m not kidding.

Either make me a Sith in a galaxy far far away, or as a character in a PIXAR cartoon. I’m thinking a jar of sassy Sauerkraut that’s obsessed with being best friends with Buzz Lightyear, and the circle of my true personal happiness will finally be complete.

However, I’m not here to list my overpopulated list of singular obsessions, I’m here to inform, and maybe spread some unintentional entertainment as I do so. It’s literally my goal to hit the metaphorical mark every time I open up my trusty IBM ThinkPad, and with no false braggadocio to note, I think I come pretty close most of the time. Give or take the occasional structureless rant, that is. Everybody has the occasional “off” day, and even I, the Snark Supreme, am not immune to this.

Nevertheless, my sense of current mojo disassociation may have more to do with what I’ve been writing about, rather than just a quirk of personal circumstance. Keep in mind, other than a fun diversion writing about Seth Mc Farlane’s “The Orville”, which just so happens to be one of my favorite sci-fi TV shows as of late, I’ve been digitally scribbling screeds highlighting quite the range of allegedly mentally-deficient characters within my local and surrounding community, and they’re truly “special” people, let me tell you.

So far, I’ve called possibly unwelcome attention to a literal Ken doll who openly suffers from an exceedingly bad case of bigotry and an inability to research competently, a conspiracy theory believing wackadoo, who allegedly, sees members of Antifa every time she looks in her underwear drawer, and a sedition-supporting cowboy politician, who sees racism and ignorance as personal strengths, rather than an as of yet, undiagnosed mental illness.

And let’s not forget the latest failed MENSA candidates, one being a vulgar anti-Biden flag hoisting bragging brotard, who waxed poetic about being gifted a free case of beer for being an ill-informed jackass, from a fellow conservative cretin, much in the same way I’d crow about talking Angeline Jolie into modeling a whipped-cream and Ding-Dong bikini for me. I’ll be adding in some additional commentary regarding this flag-fellating fu**wit a little further on in today’s screed, but I need to address the second Beta-bitch on board first.

This end result from the tragic misuse of a gas-station condom, is a wannabe Alpha who posted a physical threat that while originally directed at me, was also one that I could hardly find intimidating. since its fundamental high points had been lifted wholesale from the classic novel, “The Most Dangerous Game”. Regardless, I still went ahead and contacted the appropriate agencies who are tasked to deal with such pathetic creatures of cowardice, not so much out of concern for myself, but because said mental midget decided he had to threaten the general public as well.

Honestly, if there’s ever a place in the allegorical sand where I draw the line, it’s when somebody thinks they have the right to do so, consequence-free. And because I’m all about the details, I made sure that his current employer was informed of his hobby as well, seeing how he like to issue such threats, while acknowledging them as his current employer on his FB page. This by the way, did not seem to bring them any sense of quantifiable joy, and the professionally terse email I received back in reply to mine, did nothing but underscore this opinion of mine.

Granted, I could be wrong, but as a rule, corporations, even the smallest ones, generally don’t appreciate it when someone repping their brand decides to openly threaten total strangers as they do so. Especially, when they’re smack dab in the middle of a territory and marketing expansion campaign, as this one currently is.

Now, when it comes to extending past the boundaries of their already exceedingly limited intellects, the particularly f**ked up belief that they’re beyond the reach of reproach, I have a message for those special few,, who. despite lacking actual testicles, still dry-hump their keyboards with a passion they’ve yet to apply to the act of becoming smarter, and it is this- if you think you can keep up this inane campaign of anonymous adversarial animosity uncontested;

This memorandum isn’t that much of a revelation to those among us whose brains actually function the way Odin meant them to, but for more than a challenged few slithering among us, they’ve perverted the concept of Free Speech into a bastardized rationalization that they can do or say anything that they want, as they petulantly demand that they somehow be granted exemption from the predictably immediate fallout they themselves provoked.

For those of you who unlike me, do not carry a well-worn copy of the Constitution on you, so that you may refer to what’s within it accurately, I present the 1st Amendment in its entirety: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.” And please note; that nowhere in this brief, yet highly crucial passage that underpins the true heart of what America represents to the world, does it say anything about the boundaries of said free speech being limitless.

This is why you can call QAnon advocates “f**king morons”, but conversely, aren’t allowed to then go and openly suggest that you’re going to show up at their trailer, and feed their diminutive genitals to the raccoons that they keep around to guard their meth lab.

It’s also the same reason why you don’t get into debates regarding which city has the best pizza, that being either Chicago or New York, because in both cities, it could be accurately designated as hate speech, if not riot incitement, for not only is the answer fairly obvious, but those bastards in Chicago are also such philistines, that they unashamedly, sell their sub-standard ketchup-covered cardboard by the slice.

By.The. Motherf**king. Slice.

Dear mythical God, we’re living in the End Times. And I, seriously can’t believe that for all his grandiose predictions, Nostradamus never mentioned this as one of the portents.

But the message of the Amendment is as clear as the GQP’s failing to see the irony in regards to its own hypocrisy. You can say whatever you want, within reason of course, and in no way, shape, or form, can the government legally censor you, but that does not mean you get a metaphorical hall pass from them or society at large, when you step over the obvious borderlines. Rant about “The Jews”, get punched out of your shoes. Call the Mexican community “lazy slobs”, get fired, and watch one take your job. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, and all that.

From my perch of perspective, it seems that every single time I think one of these patriots of pestilence can’t possibly shove their heads up their own asses any further, they go and manage to grow another foot and a half of neck. Case in point? Let’s take a gander at this fine example of what happens when the Creator throws the genetic dice, and discovers to his dismay, that not only did he fail to roll a seven, he also wasted a perfectly good batch of skin and useful organs on a defective unit that somehow still, managed to get shipped out the factory doors, sans its brain:

This obviously not-in-need-of-medication-at-all individual, one Yvonne St Cyr of the intellectual powerhouse that is Boise, Idaho, is now facing manifold federal charges for her alleged participation in the January 6th domestic terrorist attack that occurred at the U.S. Capitol. Within the official affidavit describing the levied charges, it is noted that prior to her attempt at sedition, St Cyr had been quite the busy beaver, posting a series of (GASP!) wholly unsubstantiated QAnon conspiracy theories.

However, she decided to outdo herself, and in a selfless act one can only assume was  charitably enacted  to make it easier for her abominable actions to be successfully prosecuted later on down the road, decided to videotape herself inside the Capitol building, on the day of the attack.

Adding further evidential cordwood to the eventual prosecutorial fire, she in conjunction with her equally intellectually impenetrable husband, then inexplicably uploaded a personal video to Facebook the day after, in which she waxed poetic about how she “made CNN” when she was caught leaning out a window, allegedly yelling to all in reach of her voice; “This is our house!” 

Not content setting the bar of personal inanity at that particular level, she went on to elucidate that: “God put me in that window, so I’m assuming God put me on CNN screaming like a mad woman,” So hey, maybe I’m going to get arrested again, but I would get arrested and I would die for this country. So no regrets.”

While that pile of lunacy is bad enough on its own, keep in mind that until her hopeful conviction and long-term incarceration is set in stone, this dimwitted disciple of delusional dipsh**tery can still legally drive a car, handle sharp stabby things, buy a gun, and most terrifyingly of all, VOTE. And that right to do so, covers both state and federal elections, as well as American Idol. In regards to which one of those outcomes may be worse in the long run for America, I think that at best, it may work out to be a draw.

Sure, the awful ramifications of what may happen if any of these Q-nuts get their chosen candidates into any level of government is terrifying, but let’s also be as equally honest with ourselves as to what the resulting fallout might be of giving a wannabe Keith Beukelaer, unfettered access to a national spotlight, and an audience of idiots.
Do you want the Apocalypse to happen?
Because that’s how you get the Apocalypse to happen.

What doesn’t trigger my insomnia however, is the fact that eventually most of the mental midgets we’re currently infested with, will either find a new obsession in time, or gravely injure themselves, when they try to make a grilled cheese sandwich while holding said sandwich in their mouths. Either/or. I’m truly good no matter which way the Winds of Fate blow. Now, this is not to say that we as a nation and citizenry, can afford to turn a blind eye to these pustular pinheads, as it’s fairly obvious they’re just waiting for the right opportunity to regroup and finish what they started four years ago- the complete and utter destabilization of America as it currently exists.

It’s pretty much a certainty that when you find yourself crossing paths with these Fallopian tube rejects, you’re pretty much going to walk away from the conversation knowing two things; the first being that you’re going to fight from now on to do whatever you can to increase funding public education, and the second, that you most likely should get checked out ASAP, to see if you’re developing an aneurysm, because your brain can only do so much to protect itself from the exposure to such abject ignorance.

Sadly, over the years, there has been an unchecked increase in the number of persons possessing lesser intellectual capacity taking inordinate pride in being cursed with such, and this, is a quirk of personality that I will truly never understand. I can appreciate having a sense of self-deprecating humor in regards to one’s lack of personal knowledge, but the willful displaying of conceit in relation to the same, has always stunned me into silence.

The noted sci-fi author Issac Asimov had the perfect summation in respect to this cultural phenomenon, and even though I’ve dropped it into the occasional screed of mine over the years, I feel it bears repeating yet again: There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.”

Truer words have never been spoken, save for the time I once told my adulterous ex-fiancé that the only reason she wanted to “pray for me” was because it gave her yet another chance to get down on her knees, but I digress in the name of chivalry and civility. But this wryly accurate observation does serve as a lead-in introduction for the main subject of today’s pixelated scribbles, that being the flag-hoisting Beta-bitch I referenced at the beginn9ng of these musings.  

If you’ve read my precious screed, you’ll remember that I devoted some limited acreage to this example of the slowest sperm winning the lottery, although the main focus of my tale was centered on dealing with a death threat that I had received from another craven, cut from the same ilk-cloth, and at the time, he served no other purpose than as a background element in a far more expansive story.

In lieu of a better analogy, if my life was being rebooted as a Star Wars movie, he would’ve been credited as “Impotent Jawa Hidden behind Obi-Wan”, in that one scene where Luke is selling his landspeeder to an alien of possibly dubious character.
In essence, another warm body filling a space- no more, no less. But as it is with most things, the goalposts can still be picked up and moved forward, or in this case, backwards a good ten yards. To be fair, I wasn’t expecting the focus of my current sardonic mocking, one Nick Lemme, to be overly intelligent, given his pathetic penchant for hypocritical whining and immature posturing, but I also didn’t assume that when it got right down to the brass tacks, that engaging in a debate regarding his political stance would be akin to doing so with a bag of gently-used urinal cakes, either.

Live and learn, I guess.

To recap previous events, Lemme decided to publicly display a flag in the front yard of his home, that indecorously expressed his disdain for our current president, Joe Biden, and then in an act of sheer hubris, made the concurrent choice to grant an in-depth interview with our local newspaper about it, as well. Now this, in and of itself, would normally not be that big of a deal, but as is typical of those in the Cult of 45, Lemme determined that he couldn’t simply express his discontentment in a manner that would lend itself to fostering a respectful dialogue, because why should anyone do that, when they could have the opportunity to be just be as classless as the Fanta Fascist that they get the hot sweats over?

And in case you forgot what sheer inanity can present itself as, here you go:
Oh, and in case I’ve forgotten to mention it, this fine display of what it looks like when a middle-aged moron has a mental meltdown, is right across the street from a school, as well. Because if there’s one lesson that you want to instill in the developing youth of this country, is that it’s perfectly acceptable to be a vulgar cretin well past the point when your genitalia have supposedly dropped. To add even more hypocrisy to an already fuel soaked pyre of it, Lemme has also opined that he now feels like he has a “target on his head” due to his actions, even though he’s the one who super glued it there in the first place.

This slice of duplicity aside, I’d have to personally note that for a guy who’s so ostensibly worried for his personal safety, Lemme seems to be willingly pushing the red button of public confrontation as hard and as fast as his undeveloped brain will let him.

 Make no mistake- Lemme is openly spoiling for a fight, and mythical God willing, one will eventually be delivered to him, if for no other reason than for him to finally grasp the pertinent life lesson of “Be careful what you wish for”, because sometimes those wishes come with a full set of teeth, both metaphorical and literal. To clarify, I’m not suggesting that Lemme should suffer anything more than the considerable mocking contempt that he’s truly earned, but I’d also ascertain that if his front yard became a sculptural exercise in the creative application of toilet paper, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it, either.

Let me stress this point again, if I may. At no point in time, should Lemme be subject to anything dire. save for the shunning scorn that he so richly desires and to a point, has earned. Now having said that, I have serious reservations as to the manner of how Lemme would respond if the metaphorical tables were reversed, given how he presents himself online.

What do I mean by this?

Well, it’s been my personal experience that if you’re traipsing through somebody’s social media profile, and see a background photo like this;
It’s pretty much a certainty that while the person you are now unfortunately dealing with can quote the 2nd Amendment from memory verbatim, minus the “well regulated” clause of course, they also conversely, have never bothered to read the rest of this sacred text, tending as they do to view knowledge with the same sense of suspicion that I’d grant to gas station sushi. Throw in the not-to-be-unexpected conspiracy theories, the standard proliferation of willful ignorance, and devotion to fetishistic gun porn, and you have quite possibly the most accurate microcosm of what passes as ”independent thought” within the modern-day Conservative movement.

Not too shockingly, Lemme’s social media presence hits most of these stereotypical low points, but the one thing that stands out above anything else, is that Lemme is a truly certified American BADASS. If Jason Statham and Chuck Norris ever managed to have an illicit love affair, and produce a spawn dipped in double-plated mother**ker, Lemme would definitely fit the bill, let me tell you. How do I know this for sure? Well, my newest scratching post was considerate enough to selflessly post this photo, lo inform us all that he is indeed;

Maybe it’s the brotard sunglasses, Maybe it’s the determined attitude. Maybe it’s the composition of the self-taken photo, cleverly using the car’s window as both a crucial framing point and lighting element. Given the fact that it’s presented in black & white, maybe it’s a modern take on the film noir genre, but this snapshot most definitely doesn’t scream “I wanna be an Alpha so bad it hurts!”

And what truly sells this image in my opinion, is the late 80’s style lettering associated with every WrestleMania event I’ve ever seen televised. I am totally convinced on the basis of this photo alone, that Lemme is truly “savage”, because if there’s one trait that authentic badasses are known for, it’s the need to consistently advertise just how bad they are, am I right?

Personally, I’ve always felt that if you feel the need to post indulgent selfies as a means to convey who you really are, they should, at the very least, be visually interesting to begin with, as this humble example below establishes:

Photo credit: (C) Martiin Hazine/Glossyworks

This boys and girls, is how you take your selfie game to the next level, because if we’re going to be honest with ourselves here, the fist thing we’d have to admit is just how much we all like pictures of verdant forests. Especially when there’s such a ruggedly good-looking man in the foreground. However, there is yet another area where Lemme fails to bring his “A” game, and that is within the parameters of what passes for civilized debate in this, the era of idiocy made flesh.

Like most Trump devotees, Lemme employs the standard go-to for those of lesser intelligence and character who, when they cannot back up their point of view with actual facts, resort to issuing asinine slurs and impotent threats. Take for instance, this intellectual discourse between Lemme and I, where he informs me that he’s also “fighting” for my freedom of speech, which strikes me as odd, since nobody of note is actually trying to take mine away at the moment.
But then again, I could be wrong, as I haven’t checked the Internet today to see what I’m supposed to be worried about.

What little Nicky here fails to understand, is that I neither require his uninformed ass to protect my 1st Amendment rights, nor did i ask him to do so in the first place. And considering he has a symbol of the Confederacy (by his own admission) flying above his flag of fallaciousness, I can’t really put him in the same pantheon as *Nathanael Greene anytime soon.
*[Greene was a Continental Army general who served with distinction during America’s Revolutionary War. He was lauded far and wide as George Washington’s most dependable officer.]

And as an aside, I know its tempting to spell the words “you” and “are” as if you were Prince, but as a muddle-aged White guy, you really aren’t going to get cut the same slack he would get. Just saying. And Nick? Nobody is “coming” for your suburban property, and they’re definitely not coming for your family, either. That is, unless they’re trying to save them from having to listen to your asinine absurdity over dinner.

But not to worry, when Nick later reengaged with me, he proceeded to present what one would consider a well-thought-out structured debate, not only defending his political ideology, but also going one step further, and backing it up with empirical data in such a manner that even I, an uncompromising cynic, was impressed at how well he illuminated the underpinnings of his point of view:

C’mon now… admit it. You didn’t seriously think or worse, believe, that a Trumpite would actually bring a valid argument to the proverbial table that could be defended successfully using the tenets of reality, did you? Keep in mind, these jingoistic jackasses are still proudly hoisting the banners of a soundly and fairly,defeated candidate, and claiming that any day now, that very same mound of disgraced human flotsam will be reasserting his role as President without question, regardless of what common sense, established law, reality, and Yoda says: 
To nobody’s great surprise, save those who’ve never had to deal with one of these walking mental illnesses disguised within a human skin suit. No, when Nicky jumped back in to the fray on a thread where I pointed out that all Trump wanted from Nick was his money, he responded with this devastatingly stunning retort, drawn from the spirit of Robespierre himself:
I’d like to point out two things that don’t make sense here, if I may. First. For a guy who crows about how “savage” he is, Nicky is seemingly easily offended, as if he were the possessor of skin thinner than that of an onion, and the second? It was noted in his now infamously tone-deaf newspaper interview, that:

“Lemme said that he does feel like the flag has placed a metaphorical target on his back, however, which is why he flies the flag underneath a darkened American flag. He said the blacked-out American flag was used by some Confederate military units during the Civil War as a symbol to not give nor accept quarter — a juxtaposition to the white in the real American flag.

 “A lot of military people wear it,” Lemme said. It’s just basically stating no mercy if they want to do something and target me – that’s basically a warning.”

Oh no, a “warning”. That’s so… SAVAGE. Especially coming from a person whose thought process came to the brulliant conclusion that utilizing a symbol of a treasonous entity that tried to usurp the legitimacy of the United States, was the perfect vehicle for launching an in-depth discussion regarding constitutionally protected freedoms. And as to his claim that he feels a target has been placed on his head, there’s no better way to cool the overall situation down like openly posting an overly-aggressive retort like the one above to a total stranger, especially when you have no idea who that person is to begin with, or how they’re going to react to your challenge 0f “come at me, bro”, am I right?

Methinks that thou ignoble fathead doth protest too much, for if Nick was truly worried about his or his family’s safety, he’d have closed off public access to his social media accounts, gone to ground as it were, and in hindsight, not have called the unwanted (if warranted) attention to himself, by giving the ill-advised media interview that he did in the first place.

And as an aside, I sure as heck wouldn’t have, given the volatile nature of the political landscape these days, made the decision to add fuel to the ever-growing fire, by continuing to engage in heated debates with said strangers, nor would I have sent photos of myself like this to those same unfamiliar persons, as a rule of dumb:

Granted, that’s mostly due to the possibility that on a whim, they could turn out to be theoretically violent, but also because it would validate without question, just how juvenile I am as well, given my advanced age. Not to mention, it would clearly show my face, and that’s an action that if I were truly concerned for my ongoing sense pf personal security as Nick claims he is, I would avoid doing at all costs.

So in essence, what we’re all observing here is a theoretical exercise in quantum mechanics, first exemplified by the paradox of placing a hypothetical cat inside a box, and who may be considered simultaneously both alive and dead, due to the inclusion of a poisonous variable that may or may not affect the outcome. The twist here however, is that we have an ignorantly hostile firebrand who is conversely, both hoping for a confrontation, and running away from one that he himself, started.  

Schrodinger’s Jackass, as it were.

And as is the way of most spineless schmucks who pick a fight, who then get called out for their fraudulent claims that they’re the ones who were being unfairly persecuted for their ideology, that void of personal courage possessed by those who as we’ve seen thus far, lack metaphorical penii, gets filled in the only way they know how- by throwing the subject of guns into the mix. And when it comes to this topic, Nick is all in, cap guns-a-blazing, his ordinance ordered, and just itching for the opportunity to both empty a clip, as while doing so, he liberally applies gun lube to areas best left to the imagination.

On what evidential theorem do I base this rather harsh assessment, you ask? Well, the answer is hilariously ironic, as the metaphorical ammo to be presented was provided by no less than the man himself. Think of Nick as The Giving Tree from the seminal story by Shel Silverstein, but instead of providing sustenance and security, Nick provides the best example of what happens when a community decides not to funnel their tax money into underwriting public education.

Let’s start with this meme, the type of which I’ve always liked to refer to as :fightbait”, as its only purpose is to start a contentious back and forth targeting a specific demographic  within one’s group of obviously long-suffering friends:
What is glaringly obvious right off the bat, other than that this meme serves succinctly as the perfect visual metaphor as to what Nick allegedly lacks between his thighs, is that it also obliges no other purpose than to establish an unfounded claim to victim-hood for Nick, if he dares receive the merest of push-back for posting it- hence, the reason why it was offered up for public dissection in the first place.

Nick, for all intents and purposes, is in no discernible way, truly interested in fomenting a mature conversation regarding the pros and cons of this subject so near and dear to his heart and his hip, he just wants to puff out his chest, get a few zingers launched, and then retreat to his safe space to stare at his collection of manhood substitutes.

But the gun-love doesn’t end there, no siree Billy-Bob. There are jokes to be had about attacking your fellow citizens with force during times of duress:
And the notation of the emotional lows of not being able to buy enough ammo to offset your fears that Antifa is hiding either under your bed, or in your underwear drawer:
As to be expected, there’s the worn-out cliché that “gun laws don’t work”, no matter what law enforcement, compiled statistics, and reality say:
Yes… laws targeting specific social issues and crimes do not work. That’s why we can all drive at high speed and backwards on the sidewalk, and shop in the nude at Walmart. And don’t even get me started on the joys of robbing a bank, and walking away (naked, of course) without fear of consequence. However, when it comes to the discussion of regulating guns, the penii-lacking cravens who collect them as if they were limited-edition FUNKO sets, equate such legislative action as being akin to a vasectomy being performed upon them with the jaws of a rabid squirrel.

Jaws, by the way, that have the very-much-alive squirrel, still attached,

Nick, like so many others within the chromosomally-challenged gun-rights movement, chooses to ignore the sobering statistic that over 38K people a year die due to the involvement of guns, but to be fair, it is kind of hard to achieve an accurate count when the fingers you’d use to tabulate such data, are all busy “polishing” your rifle. And nothing gets a gun owner’s tubes of lube flowing like the hope that one day, they’ll have the chance to pay respectful homage to the Russian nightclub scene from the first John Wick movie.

Decidedly, they’ll be dealing with a low-level meth-head trying to boost their late-model Ford Fiesta’s car stereo at 2 in the morning, versus smashing an international drug trafficking ring, but hey… ya’ gotta start somewhere, am I right? Baby steps, and all that.

For those of you out there who may now be thinking that I’m anti-gun, let me assure you that I am truly not. I wholeheartedly support the 2nd Amendment, and a properly trained (and vetted) citizen’s right to carry, and I say this as a former gun owner. However, while I may not be anti-gun, I most certainly am anti-idiot, so when I see a so-called “responsible gun-owner” post idiocy like this: The first thought that I have is that not only do we need stricter gun laws, but that along with mandatory liability insurance, compulsory safety training, and an annual range and familiarity qualification, that perhaps, the crucial pre-certification process should include a non-negotiable psychological assessment as well. That last facet alone, I feel, would lead to a cumulative reduction in the number of gun-related injuries at the very least, and in theory, the overall violent crime rate as well.

Sure, the downside is that guntards like Nick would have to find some other means by which to maintain the illusion of their overblown and faux manhood, but I’m not too worried. After all, they’re good at spinning false narratives to begin with, so what’s one more on an already burgeoning pile? His sense of gun fetishism aside, there’s so much more to Nick then just asinine opinions regarding politics and guns, he’s also got some paranoid ones concerning the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic as well, because of course, he does.Sigh… all I can say to this newest slice of dumbf**kery ala’ Nick, is this:
Other than the fact that Nick seems to have comprised the entire plot of this posting from the purposefully deleted scenes from the 2007 movie “I am Legend”, he’s also engaging in the most disingenuous of cherry-picking, to validate an ambiguous narrative that glosses over as to why the current situation in America is the way that it is. First off, we had a leader so-called, who, despite the best efforts of lauded scientists and virologists, deliberately downplayed, if not outright ignored, the severity of the infection rates, to the detriment of this country, its citizens, and its international reputation as a world power capable of boundless achievement.

Falsely claiming that the rapidly developing scourge of COVID-19 was “under control”, and that ‘the numbers will go down to zero”, the traitorous mango man-child willingly let over 400K of the citizens he was tasked to protect die, rather than lose political face and risk his hoped-for administrative legacy. As we’ve come to see, tha6 approach worked out like gangbusters in the end. Sarcasm, definitely intended.

Throw in a far-too-large segment of the US populace who, due to their lack of knowledge and distrust regarding science, along with their hubris concerning being asked to worry about their fellow humans for a very short period, and it’s not that hard to see exactly why this plague is hanging on to us tighter than a Proud Boy does a Tiki-Torch. However, in reference to the declaration that ”They” now control you and everything about your life”, I’d note somewhat sardonically, that has been the case for a majority of us, especially for those born during the advent of today’s social media.

The shadowy cabal he refers to as “They” already know where we shop, what we buy, who we talk to, what our hobbies are, and how often we engage in them. And if you doubt that we’ve all been under an intrusively watchful eye for the last five decades or so, and possibly even longer, I misplaced my sunglasses the other day, and as I wondered out loud where they might be, my phone rang, and the voice on the other end kindly told me to look on my bedside table/, where I had placed them the night before. Now, if only “they” could only tell me where in the heck I misplaced my sense of youthful optimism, I’d be right as rain.

But I’d be amiss in my analysis of Nick if I depicted him as an overblown caricature of what modern-day conservatism currently represents, and not as an actual person, if I didn’t address some of his inherent finer qualities. After all, my being Fair and Balanced, as FOX “News” loved to say back in the day, is key to sustaining a progressive dialogue, as we all well know.

But I’d be amiss in my analysis of Nick if I depicted him as an overblown caricature of what modern-day conservatism currently represents, and not as an actual person, if I didn’t address some of his inherent finer qualities. After all, my being Fair and Balanced, as FOX “News” loved to say back in the day, is key to sustaining a progressive dialogue, as we all well know. By way of example, Nick is an ardent romantic, which I have to admit, took me somewhat by surprise. Sure, it’s overly clear that he has a great passion for ordinance and the hope of using it on a day he’ll later recall fondly as he’s taken into police custody as being nothing short of glorious, but I digress.

That’s an obvious joke of course, as I foster no sincere convictions that Nick would ever fire off anything in public except his mouth, and even then, only in the company of people who already agreed with his particularly paranoid takes on life in general. However, we all know given his other publicly posted sophomoric assertions, it’s a small-caliber weapon at best, and about as effective as a NERF gun would be versus a charging elephant, or a truly hungry supermodel.

You seriously have no idea how dangerous it can be, getting between Cindy Crawford and a tray of freshly made pizza rolls. Trust me on this. It may save your life someday.
(This photo taken at the exact moment the microwave timer went off.)

Getting back on track, I’d like to showcase the amorous subtlety of a man who, if I were more of a cynic, I would assume sees the majority of his first dates end with either a restraining order, or a blast of well-deserved pepper spray to his face, given the vulgarity of his romantic proposals:

Yep… this is the sort of passionate invocation that could make Casanova himself rise out of his crypt, look around, read the following, and with a voice and intellectual presence sadly removed from this world since the Year of Our Lord 1798, look Nick squarely in his beady little eyes, and query ever so politely:

“Seriously… what in the f**king hell is wrong with you, Dude?”

To be brutally honest, despite my bachelor days apartment being once labeled with the not-too-far-off-the-mark designation as “Wayne’s Home for Wayward Strippers”, I still never managed to rack up the personal stats that Gene Simmons pf KISS allegedly has, But even I, on my most awkward of high-school days in the late 1980’s, could have delivered a far better attempt at setting up a successful sexual liaison than this vile vulgarian, and keep in mind ,that I once used to look like this:

I just have to ask, what type of woman would swoon at dialogue lifted straight out of a letter to Penthouse? You know, the kind that always starts off with “You’ll never believe this, but it happened to me one night, working the graveyard shift at my small-town 7-11”?

Now, due to the obviously unmfortable issues of financial liability that could arise from a poor choice of words, I won’t even dare suggest that the only way this guy could ever pick up an intelligent woman would be with the use of carefully applied chloroform and a windowless van, but I’ll digress, because who needs those kinds of legal hassles, am I right?

Sure, all the evidence that Nick has self-provided, and that I’ve presented thus far, might paint my newest BFF as an arrogantly ill-informed vulgar gun-stroking-fetishist who’s wooing skills are on par with his willing lack of political intellect, but fortunately, there’s nothing else left in his metaphorical toy-box for me to make snarky observations about.

Which I’m sure at this point, would make Nick breathe a small sigh of relief.
Nothing of course, except for two small, almost insignificant, hardly worth discussing at all, possible blemishes splotching his, as we’ve seen, truly impeccable character. I don’t know what it is about being a conservative White middle-aged male these days, but it seemingly demands that you embrace more than a few quirks that as a rule, are at best, exceedingly detrimental to successfully passing as a fully functioning human being.

These include, but are not limited to, jingoism, xenophobia, misogyny, gun-worship, perverted faith, dedication to being woefully uniformed, a sense of shirking one’s personal responsibility so strong that mythical God himself couldn’t scratch its paint-job, and of course, thinly-veiled racism inadequately disguised as either a belief in law and order, or as topical humor. To be fair, I have no idea or can even surmise if Nick holds any of these vile principles close to his heart, past the gun-love and willfully flawed partisan principles, but it’s also equally fair to state that where there’s smoke, there’s usually an ignorant firebrand hoping to turn it into a conflagration.

So, without further ado, let’s view the end result of racist smoke made into a racist joke:
Other than the fact that this idiocy shows this meme’s true colors by depraving the perfectly normal Mexican accent into a repugnant slur against an entire race, It also depicts Donald Trump as even more absurd, in regards to his racist narrative against Mexicans and their culture, than he normally (if inadvertently) portrays himself, and that’s truly saying something, given all the offenses that he’s proudly compiled, as if he were trying to win a special Proud Boys merit badge for such:

For the sake of accuracy if not culinary History, I’d note that Taco Salad, cannot be classified as a wholly Mexican dish, nor is it a separate American creation, either, It’s origins date back to the blending of cultural influences of Texas-born Mexicans, also known as Tejanos, who merged their cuisine with that of the westward-bound pioneers, who came to settle in Texas. And thus, the culinary juggernaut that found itself named after the Texas-Mexican Railway, known far and wide as “Tex-Mex” was born.

Or perhaps the true reason behind this excruciatingly cringe-worthy photo-op is as simple as his trying to persuade his gullible flock of check-writing, MAGA merchandise purchasing, incessantly bleating sheep to overlook the hypocrisy inherent in lauding a culture’s contribution to American gastronomy and its values, while demonizing its people as the sole reason as to why America is suffering all kinds of social ills, which to be brutally accurate, despite the fact that the horrors inflicted upon it, are often done so by its ruling class of one-percent predators, both literal and metaphorical, that Trump has always been an integral part of.
You know… now that I look at it from a different angle, I’m gonna have to amend my original assertion about Nick not holding somewhat racist views, and for the record, I’ll also say that while he’s obviously nowhere near the territory of holding a tiki-torch, I’d have to concurrently opine that he’s possibly more like a bigoted version of Diet Coke- it may have only a few calories, but it still possesses the same vile taste. And Nicky? When morons like your treasonous mango man-child build higher walls, there will always be people who come along with a taller ladder, or in the case of the never-to-be-built fantasy wall that you pleasure yourself to the thought of, a $10 hacksaw from Home Depot.

Next and thankfully, last up, we have a post that much like Axl Rose and his faux Guns N’ Roses mid-life crisis masquerading as a reboot, has not aged well:
What our politically impotent prophet Nickodumbass, is referring to here, is the series of nationwide protests that took place during Trump’s train-wreck of an administration, pushing back against a gamut of social offenses that ranged from unchecked acts of police brutality, to numerous and consistent attempts by the GQP to thwart our Constitutionally protected right to vote.

However, as is to be expected where the Republican ilk is concerned, this reality is deliberately jettisoned in favor of the false narratives regarding the random acts of violence that occurred at the demonstrations, and were, as proven to be in most cases, wholly independent of the protests themselves, the fault being laid at the feet of outside agitators unconnected to the cause itself, White Supremacists, and sometimes, the cops themselves, who were ostensibly there to keep order.

Several non-partisan studies, along with statistics provided by several law enforcement agencies, when tallied, have indicated that 93% of the protests, which occurred in all 50 states, were actually peaceful,. Yet another inconvenient factoid that Right-wing jacktards like Nick tend to ignore in favor of promoting their paranoid account in which our most prominent American cities would have been burnt down to the ground, if not for the intervention of the asinine arsonist who sparked the flames to begin with.  

Nick’s meme, presented as “proof’ that modern-day conservatives are truly the ones who are the paragon of maturity that should be emulated, is not only flat-out dead wrong in regards to the information that’s out there for public digestion, but is one of the better examples of how Trumpanzees such as Nick, successfully merge the duality of cognitive dissonance and sheer delusion.

While it is true that there were a scattered handful of anti-impeachment protests across the country, they never reached the fever-level of what was expected by law enforcement, and demanded by Trump himself, and for that we should be glad. But to state, and with a straight face no less, that Liberals or the Left-wing are “entitled spoiled brats” when your side protests everything from factual news reporting to the valid demand to hold those in power who abuse their authority accountable, that is when you’re not protesting the design on a Christmas coffee cup, is quite the hypocritical stretch, at best.

The reality of things as they stood, was that going into the impeachment hearing, both sides knew full well that the Republicans had no intention of ever seriously holding Trump to account for his numerous crimes to begin with, and that knowledge alone, was the underlying reason why widespread demonstrations were kept to a minimum, and not due to any overblown and faux sense of political maturity held in tandem by one side or the other.  

Nevertheless, the one specific area of scrutiny where Nick’s disingenuous valuation truly falls apart, much like a Kardashian under a heat lamp, is when you take even the most superficial of dives into the collective data concerning the Right-wing’s accumulated history of violence. The list I’m about to offer up for consideration may be far from complete, but even given its limited range, it is at the very least, indicative of the lengths to which conservatives will go, in the attempt to politically (if not literally) silence their opposition, both real and imagined.

To note; there was the Portland commuter train attack (2 dead), the Charlottesville car attack. (1d) the murder (1d) of a University of Pennsylvania sophomore named Blaze Bernstein in California, sixteen mail-bombs sent to various Democratic Party officials, as well as several harsh critics of then U.S. President, Donald Trump, mass shootings at two synagogues, one in Pittsburgh (11d), and one in California (1d), along with another mass event that took place at a Walmart in El Paso, Texas. (23d)  And I would be remiss in my duty of staying on top of things, if I didn’t include the latest slaughter of the innocent (8d) in three connected events in Colorado.

But regal us some more Nick, with your bullshit stories about the violence committed by those who tend to lean Left. I for one, can’t wait for yet another thrilling, if wholly inaccurate, installment. Naturally, I can’t leave such a steaming pile of crap sitting on the virtual doorstep of current reality, so let me respond, in the only way I know how. With facts. Now, to save myself some time, if not severe wrist cramp, I’m going to roughly paraphrase some data I included in a previous screed, and it is this:

And despite the incessantly mindless bleating of conservatives, Antifa has never been connected to a murder, let alone several, as has been falsely claimed. Even when the overall range was expanded to include incidents that occurred independent of the anti-fascist movement, Left-wing violence was only responsible for 21 deaths since 2010, versus the 117 committed by Right-wing extremists within the same period of time.

Adding further insult to the sanctity of alternate facts that conservatives tout as Gospel, the final tally of violence attributed to the Right-wing scorecard, is over 320 murders committed between 1994-2020, so please, my loyal boot-licking disciples of Cult 45, enlighten me as to how you did the math on this one.

I’m sure your PowerPoint presentation regarding such, will be utterly riveting.

Highlighting the very palpable danger that conservatives willingly provide safe harbor to, Seth Jones, a counter-terrorism expert and who was partially responsible for compiling the data collected, stated in an interview with London’s’ The Guardian newspaper, that: “Left-wing violence has not been a major terrorism threat. The most significant domestic terrorism threat comes from white supremacists, anti-government militias and a handful of individuals associated with the ‘boogaloo’ movement that are attempting to create a civil war within the United States.”

Well. This is awkward, isn’t it, Nick?

It seems that when it gets right down to the brass tacks, the ones who we as a society truly have to worry about, aren’t the people who protest for social change and civil rights, while wearing vagina hats, but are instead, the moronic mass that wrap themselves in the American flag, waves the Bible, and feel the need to strap on a fake dick before they can leave the house to go get coffee. Who could have guessed? You know, other than anybody with a working intellect who’s ever observed one of those Nuremberg cosplays that you gullible conservative sheep call a political rally, that is?

It boggles the mind, for no matter how you look at it, it appears that if you feed an under educated demographic a steady diet of paranoia, xenophobia, misogyny, racism, and wackadoo conspiracy theories, you’ll eventually wind up with an over-reactive base of cultists who on no more than a whim or a rumor, will gather up their freshly sharpened pitchforks and tiki-torches, and proceed to storm the local  castle, all while screaming about whatever fable Right-wing media told them to be morally upset about that day.

Speaking of which…

As your meme clearly states, “There were no protests, no riots, no looting, no shootings, no attacks on law enforcement, no building burnt.” And for the most part, this statement is true. Somewhat. There were several violent incidents at Trump rallies where counter-protestors were attacked without provocation, most of which werer gleefully cheered on by your now deposed Fanta Fascist. So your claim that your side is inherently more peaceful given this fact and the evidence above, is totally false, no matter how many memes you choose to post.

And then, there was the abominably deplorable events of January Sixth, 2021. Maybe you heard about it, Nick. Maybe you didn’t. But if I remember correctly, it was in the news for quite some time afterwards, so I’ll err on the side of caution, and fill you in on what you may have missed, because at my gore, I’m totally a people person. And because I am, I’ll balance what occurred against the so-called talking points of your meme Nick, by describing the proceedings of the day in the very same manner in which the Conservative hierarchy are attempting to do so now.

Hopefully, this approach will be A-OK with you Nick, because mythical God knows, I’d hate to put any metaphorical dents in your unwavering support of a pumpkin-tinted fascist.

Nick: “There were no protests, no riots…”

Well, that puts me in my place, as I guess this photo is of a free-spirited kegger that just got completely out of hand on the steps of the Capitol Building, right kids? I’m kidding of course, as this image, (a class photo of sorts) was obviously taken to serve as a future cherished reminder of the event, and to make it that much easier for the FBI to invite all these fine seditionists to a free of cost, but not free of charges, spa day possibly lasting several years, at one of our nation’s multiple finer secured government-run resorts.

Nick: “no looting…”
I can only assume that this real American patriot is just borrowing this podium stand for a parishioner conference at his church potluck, and will put it right back where he found it when he’s done. Remember kids, it’s not ‘looting” when you’re a White Conservative, so much as it’s “standing up for your constitutional rights”. That’s why he felt the need to liberate this item from its rightful place… because he couldn’t stand to see it being so oppressed by those soulless  commie Demonrats.

Literally, American selflessness personified..

Nick: “no shootings…”
This is actually true, as the only shooting that occurred, was by Capitol police, the unknowing stooges of Socialist bastards who, since day one of his God-mandated win, had been plotting against President Trump. Cold-bloodedly opening fire on a peaceful group of American Patriots, who were doing nothing more threatening than attempting to subvert American democracy, at best. The nerve of those badged bastards.

The bullet, fired by cowards claiming supreme authority, struck and subsequently killed, one Ashli E. Babbitt, a former Air Force veteran who, based on what those fact-checking Libtards dare to call a damnable lie, had been tricked into betraying her country. Play stupid seditionist games, win a stupid indiscriminate bullet in your stupid seditionist neck, and all that, I guess.

So congratulations Nick, you got one in the goal. Man, is there egg on my face or what?

Nick: “no attacks on law enforcement…”

Once again, Nick is essentially correct, as there were no attacks on law enforcement to speak of, no siree Bob. In fact, there were a handful of photos taken of the interaction between the Capitol Police and these true Patriots, and if anything, they definitively show the entirely serene, if not openly playful, nature of those who showed up en masse to take a quiet, peaceful, respectful, and leisurely tour of the hallowed halls of the Capitol.

As you can clearly see, the day started off with a high-spirited and competitive game of “Capture the Flag, if not a Legislator, so we can hang them”, and the numerous American flags so proudly displayed next to the one of a wrongly perceived corrupt and cowardly traitor, really hammer home the point that yes… this really did take place in our formerly glorious Republic:

This game of conservative grab-ass then evolved into a free-for-all version of “Red Rover”, with its revised chant of “Red Rover, Red Rover, send your insurrectionist incels over!”, and it’s fairly obvious from the satisfied look of contentment on the faces of the police, copious amounts of fun were truly being had by all in attendance this day.

In a further act of mutual respect and cooperation, here we see these not-at-all violent supporters of the Blue Lives Matter movement, assisting the police in putting away their adult baby-gates, because hands on the work, means the works of hand get done that much quicker:

However, the fun really kicked into the highest of gears, when the assorted throng broke out their personal supply of Silly String, and started dousing the police with it, in a light-heated attempt to help bridge their differences regarding what others (those Libtards yet again) might surmise to be a violent attempt at overturning the results of what we “all know” at this point, despite all evidence to the contrary, to be a fraudulent election:

According to the modern-day Nostradamus known as “Q”, Donald Trump is STILL the President, Joe Biden is operating out of a fake White House located on a Hollywood sound stage, and as soon as Kamala Harris, Obama, Pelosi, Schumer, the Pope, both of the Clintons, and that fake Captain America from Disney’s Falcon and the Winter Soldier, are rounded up and arrested, Trump will take his rightful place, yet again seated firmly and permanently, in the highest office of the land.

In *fact, *[This is actually NOT a fact, something my lawyers told me that I had to make very clear, or they were all going to quit, as a group] all of this came to pass on November 3rd of 2020. Oops, my bad. I meant it took place on January 6’th, thanks to those stalwart patriots. It didn’t, you say? I’m ever so sorry, as what I should have obviously said was that it most certainly happened no later than January 20’th.

And if not, then rest assured, come March 4’th, or possibly later, due to an unforeseen bagged pork rinds shortage, that on the 20’th, the Prophecy as declared by the omnipotent “Q” Continuum will be not only reality, but future Lore for the ages:

Oh, mythical God dammit- I just looked down at my German word-a-day desk calendar and noticed that the current date is March 28’th, 2021. Either I overlooked something crucial in the last QAnon Email blast I was sent, or my limited-edition Nostradamus Scrying Bowl is on the fritz… again. Never mind. I got the issue licked. Turns out, I was using tap water instead of the recommended Healing Waters of Lourdes, hence the reason why the only vision I could see was that of Milla Jovovich eating cake:
[ Photo credit: https://www.instagram.com/millajovovich/?hl=en ]

Nevertheless, if I were to be brutally honest, I kind of always see that vision in my head 24/7 to begin with, and that’s regardless of whether I’m staring into a bowl of mystical water or not. So, maybe we should all take this observation of mine with about a pound and a half of salt, give or take an ounce.

Speaking of incorrect opinions, let’s get back to the subject of the non-riot, and Nick’s highly erroneous statement of there being “no attacks on law enforcement…” Thanks to all the selfies, journalistic stills, and videos that this mob of pustular Patriots willingly self-posted, we as a nation and as its citizenry, know this to be false, beyond any form of credible reproach. But I did say that I was going to approach this event in the same manner that the conservative hierarchy is doing, so here’s yet another photo of loyal American constitutionalists peacefully interacting with the Capitol police:If you deign to dare risk listening to the Lamestream Media, you might be led to believe that this image depicts an officer of the law who was just doing his job, facing the possibility of being crushed to death behind a door by a mob of treasonous twittering twats, but nothing could be further from the truth.

What is actually happening in this cherry-picked photo designed to deceive my fellow Americans, is simply a devoted cosplay depicting a modern take on the death of Giles Corey, that took place in 1692 Salem, Massachusetts.  For those of you not familiar with this tale, Giles Corey was an English-born American farmer who along with his wife, was accused of witchcraft during the Salem Witch trials.

Immediately following his arrest, Corey refused all attempts to force him to enter a plea, and was subjected to being crushed under stones in an effort to force him to admit guilt, which he steadfastly refused to do. His immortal last words were allegedly: “more weight.”, which in my humble opinion, and that without question, is possibly the most badass thing I’ve ever heard.

Nevertheless, I’d request that you ignore the contemptible aspects of this insurrection at the hands of people who religiously fly Blue Lives Matter flags, when they’re not directly involved in injuring over 130 police officers, and ruinously caving in the head of a Capitol police officer with a random fire extinguisher, which led to his succumbing to his injuries a day later. For the record, this is what a patriot looks like, Nick:
Capitol Police Officer and Veteran, Brian Sicknick. If there was indeed a just and merciful God, he’d demand that every one of these bastards would have this man’s name tattooed on their empty f**king heads,

Personally, I’ve always envisioned my death at the hands of, or for accuracy’s sake, the mutated dorsal fins of a half human, half-shark cyborg army, but no matter how I check out, I hope it can go down in the permanent record that I did so while exuding a level of big dick energy so massively impressive that it would make the late John Holmes want to zip up his pants, cry into his cocaine, and quit the adult film business altogether.

Ironically, keeping one’s pants zipped up, ties directly, if not ironically, into the last inane narrative being disseminated by Republicans, that being the amount of damage done by Liberals during protests versus when Conservatives decide to run amuck.

Amuck, amuck, amuck.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years though, is that when conservatives are the cause of, or are seemingly invested in the minutiae of a riot, it’s never “their” fault, the party line always being that regardless of whatever mayhem they may have directly triggered, they’re the real victims, and deserve either benevolent consideration, or an outright free pass, irrespective of consequence. So, for my final foray into this dissection of density, I’ll address Nick’s final point of hypocritical inanity.

And just so we’re clear, this is what a “riot” looks like, according to Conservatives, and as such, it requires a cadre of militarized police and armored vehicles, as it’s blatantly obvious that these unarmed people of uppittyness pose a quantifiable threat to both our society at large, and the cops watching them, who just so happen to be outfitted much as Seal Team Six were when they went looking for Osama Bin Laden:  :However, when it comes to White people tearing apart a town after their local sports franchise succeeds in their attempt to win the Super Bowl, World Series, Stanley Cup, NBA finals, or as often is the case where the New York Jets are concerned, a free bowl of homemade soup and a much-needed reassurance hug, then the resultant chaos is breezily classified as no more than a bunch of true fans engaging in a “spirited celebration”, that rejoices in showcasing the most resilient of individual team spirit:
Now, if I were to willingly continue carrying the mantle of hypocritical revisionism as I’ve been doing (albeit tongue in cheek), thus far, I’d opine that the conservative movement’s dedicated commitment to literal whitewashing is truly a wonder for the ages, if not an invaluable reference for future fascist propagandists. Nevertheless, I do have to directly address the last point of order, in Nick’s meme, and in keeping with the established theme, I’ll try to spin it harder than James Bond found himself, while strapped inside that absurdly coenient centrifuge chamber and improbable death-trap, from 1979’s  “Moonraker”::

WORST. DISNEYLAND. RIDE. EVER.

This celluloid carnage masquerading as a film aside, Nick’s last so-called point, while fundamentally true, albeit from a cherry-picking on steroids POV, shares more than a few characteristics with this movie, the main one being that it’s not aging well at all, and ironically, for the very same reasons. First off, the story itself is ridiculously implausible, the performances are woodenly cliché, and in the end, when the situation depicted within is measured against the real world, it falls apart entirely.

In that fashion, it’s akin to almost every narrative cake that the conservative cabal serves up almost daily, if not hourly. Some of you may recall Nick’s last slice of cravenly crumb-cake that he was doling out as if it were a gift of necessary wisdom for the inane masses, was topped with those yummy sprinkles of faux offense, that conservatives like to scatter far and wide, as if they were frantically casting for their lost political relevance. This, for no other reason than to attempt to reverse the well-deserved perception that they’ve willingly and proudly, allowed themselves to become walking punchlines. To quote Nickodumbass here, hopefully one last time;

Nick: “no buildings burnt. Wait until the Senate throws out the impeachment as unlawful. That’s when we’ll see the riots. That’s the difference between conservatives and entitled spoiled brats.”

It’s quite the rarity that when I’m knee-deep in the act of writing, that I take a personal moment of reflection to cast my eyes upward towards the celestial throne of the mythical God, and openly thank him for the unexpected gifts I’m about to receive, but damn… I’m thinking that not only am I going to send a few sacrificial lambs his way, I’m going to happily toss in a few top-shelf Utah volcano virgins as well, to directly thank him for taking all that time off from his busy personal schedule to do so:

I have always prided myself on my singular dedication to accuracy, clarity, and most importantly of all, honesty, so I will more than happily concur that when it comes to the particulars of the Capitol insurrection, that indeed, there were “no buildings burnt’, whatsoever. Sure, the cops may have found more than a few homemade pipe bombs deliberately placed among the federal compound in which the Capitol normally peacefully resides, but to be fair, that’s Anarchist ordinance, not actual fire.

So I guess, these traitors to the values of America at the very least, have truly earned their Smokey Bear Awards, and yes… that is a genuine thing:  
See? I don’t just pull this sort of stuff indiscriminately out of the Internet’s intangible ether, you know. Some of this is actually planned in advance. And speaking of things that were obviously prearranged, how about these nifty and according to conservatives desperate to divert attention away from their collective’s abominable act, totally coincidental T-shirts spotted at this anti-BBQ celebrating light treason?
But once again, nothing at this point had been, or was supposed to be set ablaze. Unless of course, these stumbled across a legislator or two to use as potential cordwood, that is. In fact, these totally peaceful protestors went so far as to walk the halls of the capitol, to gently remind their fellow compatriots of this unspoken decree, utilizing colorful flags and banners, whose inherent meaning is that of unity, human dignity, and unwavering allegiance to one’s homeland, rather than the Orange-Crush-tinted leader of an abhorrently dense personality cult:
Whatever you do, if those Libtards point out that this photo represents nothing but the vilest betrayal of what America represents, given the fact that the Stars and Bars is literally a horrendous symbol that we went to war over, just remind them that “no buildings were burnt”, and trust me… that’ll shut them the hell up, and make them cry those snowflake gtears that we’ve yet to actually see, but we know are coming… someday. Soon.

So, in the end, no buildings were burnt, and when all is taken into consideration regarding this outstanding truth, all is sweetness and light, am I right?Regrettably, that answer seems to be a rather emphatic “f**k no, it is not”, as these images of one of the most detestably dark days in the history of our Republic reaffirm, bolstered by the myriad of selfies, videos, and numerous social media humble brags these seditious bastards saw fit to post as the most virtuous example of unfettered patriotism: :
Keep in mind, this building DOES have doors, but to be fair, when you’re an over-amped cult-monkey whose critical thinking skillset is on par with that of a drunken urinal-cake to  begin with, it’s probably difficult to overcome your lack of opposable thumbs as well:
I’m not going to lie here, as I’m all about the honesty, but when I originally saw this photo, the first thing that came to mind regarding what my eyes and soul were registering, was this, minus the banners and Chines-made red hats, of course:
But as Nick noted accurately: “no buildings were burnt”. However, the contents of the building ranging from random furniture to interior glass partitions, didn’t fare as well, and the carnage left behind in the wake of this destructive seditionist swath of destruction was evident, even outside of the Capitol itself:

’d give dollars to doughnuts that conservative pundits will spin the cost of the Capitol’s harm, estimated to be around 30M, as an economic boom to the small business community in DC as a golden opportunity to recoup those monies lost during the COVID-19 crisis. After all, somebody has to clean up the mess, straighten the curtains, wipe off the greasy fingerprints on all the shiny surfaces, replace all those windows and damaged access doors, that the mob both made entry though and tried to crush the police behind, and let’s not forget their final unexpected parting gift, one of maturity and rationality that was calculatingly distributed to further degrade what was once hallowed ground.

If you haven’t guessed, that present of pestilence was delivered in the form of pooled urine on the tiled floors, and human feces painted on the walls.

Yes, you heard that correctly. As they fought to establish their base of control, at no time did they ever decide to express their faux rage and political impenitence in the form of spray-painted slogans, or to stage a principle-based occupation. Instead, they as a unified cravenly collective, decided that in lieu of positively progressive action, an act of degenerate repulsiveness was the definitive go-to. What fine people. What noble Patriots. What exemplary Americans. What unintentional future cautionary tales for the ages.

But thank the mythical God above, at least fire wasn’t involved. Gotta take the bitter with the sweet, as my Grandmother was overly fond of saying, and all that. For the unfortunate legislators of America’s governance,who fled these halls under duress, this revolting act of desecration could only be perceived as the sole demented domain of the wretched, the ignorant, and dare I say it, the entitled. This scatological gesture, in and of itself, is no less than the perfect metaphor for who and what the conservative movement truly represents with pride, no matter what they’d like the rest of us to believe, or mercifully forget.

Can you just imagine what level of horror these congressional custodians had to experience, come the morning of the 7’th? And all of it, due to the sheer insanity of their so-called fellow humans, Just think of how many mounds of smashed glass. splintered piles of destroyed furniture, and other incidental damage that these embryonic sacks of rotting offal left behind, within the offices and chambers whose sanctity they so arrogantly and insolently, vandalized, looted, and ultimately violated, without a single shred of remorse to be found amongst the lot.

Especially in regards to those who once again, have to clean up their asinine and abominable mess. These are not people as the clinical definition states, nor can they be characterized as animals either, as is often the case when our society discovers that there are those who walk beside us, who have willingly surrounded all that which makes them human.

Nevertheless, this most virulent form of walking soul cancer, comprised of the very same brood that Nick has chosen to both openly defend and showcase his slavish allegiance to, are the end result of what happens when you allow those in power to disseminate ignorance under the misinformed belief that granting an open platform to such, and to those who espouse falsehoods as truth, is somehow, a step towards being graciously equitable to the contextual aspect of truly Free Speech.

So, when someone like dickless Nick here, suggests that it’s the imaginary “Alt-left’ that our country has to be on guard about, as his chosen side runs over protestors and mows down civilians inside shopping centers and synagogues, it should set the blood of anyone with an actual working intellect, boiling, to say the very least.

I feel I would be somewhat remiss however, if I didn’t acknowledge the certainty that if Nick ever deigns to read this pixelated pontification of mine, he’ll either be personally embarrassed to the point of contrition, which I strongly doubt, or more likely- he’s going to be as mad as any gibberish spouting guntard who discovers five minutes into his nude “rifle-polishing” routine, that he’s run out of the gun lube that brings him so much personal joy, if not a much-desired endorphin release.

That visual, an image I will have to burn out of my brain using a car battery and some strategically placed jumper cables, does lead into my next point- that being, one does not get to churlishly chastise his fellow citizens and humans for stepping up to secure the basic dignity and respect that all inherently deserve, while his in-league compatriots do everything they can to hinder that progression, by either the application of force, or more insidiously, utilizing the most partisan of Machiavellian schemes pathetically camouflaged as valid legislation.  

Let me tell you, there’s no better way to authenticate your self-claimed position as a lover of Constitutional Freedom, than by either promoting violence against your perceived political enemies, or doing so in conjunction with unethically stacking the deck in relation to established electoral law. It strikes as amazing, does it not, that influential voter fraud was literally a non-existent crime in this country, until we got a conservative administration that both weaponized it as the most effective of propaganda, as they normalized its use to maintain their death-grip on legislative and cultural influence.

This is not to say or allege directly, that Nick has been brainwashed by this obvious set of machinations, but I feel it is also reasonable to perhaps suggest that at the very least, his metaphorical bed sheets have definitely been run through the fluff-cycle way more than they should have been.

Nevertheless, I don’t want to end this screed full of merited bitch-slaps directed at a cravenly candy-ass on a down note, because as I often like to point out, and this for some strange reason, has to be done almost regularly, at my core- I’m truly a people person, just chock full of the Kombucha of human kindness. To prove this assertion that I know some of you may disagree with somewhat, I’ll offer the following heartfelt observation for Nick’s current political… oh what the hell, let’s all be charitable and refer to it as a “mindset”, if only for the sake of assisting the dialogue to reach the apogee, as it were.

In 1995, the renowned astrophysicist Carl Sagan, published his 12tn book, “The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark”, in which, his intent was to elucidate the scientific method in laymen’s language in an optimistic bid to encourage people to learn critical and skeptical thinking, a methodology that Nick seems blissfully unencumbered with. Ignorance being the highest state of obtainable bliss, and all that.

One of the more relatable passages, at least to myself anyway, was his take on exactly just why we as a hard-wired monkey-brained species, find it ever so difficult to accept even the merest of perceived challenges to what we consider to be our long-held values and conceived beliefs. I’m only posting it here for public dissemination because I truly believe that Nick, if he condescends to pay attention, might actually acquire a valuable perspective from within it. Think of it as me extending an olive branch of sorts, after gleefully using Nick as a personal chew-toy for close to 13.5K words.

And if said branch is refused? Well… then I can always slap him upside his empty head with it, so it’s not a total loss in the end, after all. Once again, taking the sweet with the bitter, and all that. To quote the man who placed the wonders of all things scientific in our living rooms;

“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.”

The intrinsic message that Sagan set forth is obvious, well-stated, and most importantly to the issue at hand, still damningly relevant. Nick however, being who he truly is, and for what he represents, may not see it that way, and that’s fine. To quote the villainous Rock God “Mok” from the 1983 animated cult classic, Rock N’ Rule; “Too bad. We all have our illusions, far be it from me to take away yours.” Personally, I would go one step further and employ the newly tweaked maxim that says, “You can lead a schmuck to the waters of intellectualism, but you can’t make them partake.”

Fortunately for us, drowning is still an open option, so there’s that to look forward to, when all other avenues have been ultimately explored and exhausted.

Fortunately, drowning them in evidence is still an open option, so there’s that to look forward to, when all other avenues have been ultimately explored and exhausted. So, Nick if you are reading this, I’m hoping you are having a moment of personal introspection, even if that insight comes as you sit fuming in your suburban armory, a singular vein in that sloping Neanderthal brow you pass off as a forehead, throbbing in time with your heartbeat, as if it were a strobe light at a Daft Punk concert.

After all, wasn’t it you who told me directly, if not crudely, as seems to be your way, that you were defending my “right of freedom of speech” too? Of course, it was!

I can only hope you appreciate how I decided to use it.  

“A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.” – Baltasar  Gracian