Wayne Michael Reich

Writing ∙ Photography ∙ Art

Wayne Michael Reich

Ruth-less Sheeple. (The Divine Profit-see)

“In ordinary society, superstition sells faster than science.” – Amit Kalantri, Wealth of Words1

Salutations, Bitchiteers!

Are we all having a blessed day, or is it just the same ol’ thing you always deal with? You know, because the concept of “God” is just a human-invented metaphysical construct to explain all that which we at one point, did not understand?

I thought so.

And as you may have already guessed with that none too subtle shot across the bow, this time around, I’m gonna talk about God, or to be more accurate, the melange of magical thinking and outright delusion that certain people of Faith incorporate into their lives, very much in the same way that I used to with hot strippers, but now accomplish somewhat satisfactorily, with a platter of perfectly chilled Ding Dongs.

That optimal serving temperature by the way, is set at a frosty 42 degrees, which, when it’s taken into account that “42” as noted by the computer known only as Deep Thought, as being; the Answer to the Great Question… of Life, the Universe and Everything, it all comes full circle for those of us prone to exploring the innermost aspects of our psyche, which reminds me of a favorite joke by British comedian Jimmy Carr:

“When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, that I could talk to him and he’d hear me and grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up – and I stopped going to church,”

Ouch, Just… ouch. I know that God is rumored to have a great sense of humor, [See: “Design of the Platypus”: “Male Orgasm Face”\ but I can only imagine how he’d respond to such a bitchslap, given the fact that he‘s lauded for being a far more laid-back and forgiving  deity ever since the New Testament came along.Well. Can’t argue with that, even if he is only a myth, constructed out of a need for answering the [at the time)] unfathomable, and maintained out of ignorance and a standing desire to shirk one’s personal responsibility for one’s actions, but I digress for the moment. Yes, you heard that right. He’s not real. Never was. At least not in the way you’ve been taught- sorry, I meant to say “indoctrinated”, but I was trying to be polite. Spoiler alert: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “GOD”.
I’m terribly sorry, truly I am, to have to be the one who has to tell you the truth, but you’re older now, and it’s time you started using rationality as your mental cornerstone, and not the magical thinking and ineffective prayers of a naïve child. Look… you were fine when you found out about Santa last year, and even I was impressed how well you handled it for a person who’s only in their teens.

I’m sorry… you’re actually in your mid-fifties now? And you still believe in a magical sky-daddy who answers your supplications? Prayer works, you say. Satan is real as well, you also claim. And what’s that? When the “end” comes, those who believe in this Bronze Age fairy-tale, will be magically lifted skyward to lounge eternally in God’s pool-side condo, known far and wide as Heaven, while the rest of us rational people, will remain on Earth to face Tribulation under Satan’s brief time of rule, and after that, Eternal Judgement?

And here I was, thinking that Science, Logic, and Reality, gave me all the answers I required. Silly me.

This is not to say however, that Faith in and of itself, is a bad thing, as I can personally attest to its application as both a shield and a crutch, during some terribly difficult personal challenges that intimates of mine =have faced, but these days? It’s more apt to see it wielded as a sword, to rationalize behavior that literally violates the purest tenets of the convictions these holiest of hypocrites claim to hold so dear.

Essentially, what I tend to believe is that the Word, false as it appears, is meant to unify and inspire, not divide and justify harassment or bigoted exclusion,, despite the fact it was originally designed to control a highly uneducated and superstitious populace, who demanded answers from those who quite honestly, did not have the ability or the prerogative to provide them. But that was then, this is now, and we no longer have a need for encouraging an unhealthy state of delusion.

But, you should probably keep in mind, I say this as a 52-year-old man, who still believes that one day, he’ll be a voice in a PIXAR cartoon, and will hopefully find himself trapped in an elevator for a few hours with this lady:

And no… I’m really not interested in hearing what Reality, the restraining  orders, and her still in good health husband have to say about it either, as it’s bad enough I have to talk about it in my weekly court-mandated therapy group. Stupid legal system. Always getting in the way pf what would be a fabulous friendship for the ages. But on the upside, her attorneys seem very nice, so that’s a plus, if you’re inclined to make lemon meringue out of lemons, that is.

However, the topic of the day is centered on the religious and the hypocritical alike, and fortunately for me, both of these attributes are merged as one within the people I’ll be metaphorically shredding into Bantha fodder, in this, the latest of my screeds that highlight my ever so cynical perspective regarding the world entire. If there is a silver lining within this Golden Calf to be discovered, it’s that whenever I think I’m out of story ideas, the fantastical and imaginary deity of all creation, in his grace, always decides to drop off a gift box at the Lair of Snarkiitude, and I’m off to the races, yet again.

So, you ask, who finds themselves looking up at the freshly sharpened blade of my internet guillotine today? Well, because I like to shake it up every now and then, I’m going to take a diverging path from the story-arc pf the last two Blogvellas, to which, I will return at the soonest opportunity, and reintroduce a few old favorites, along with a self-declared “Man of God”, who in my opinion, may not possess feet made of clay, but I cannot say the same about his alleged faith.

Then again, maybe it’s perfectly normal these days to pimp Jesus and his misinterpreted works, as if you’re Dolemite, and I’m just seeing things from the wrong angle. Accordingly, may I present, along with an unexpected cameo or two, my newest acquisitions of, arrogant self-righteousness, Pastor Caleb Cooper of the new Hope revival Church, and making a return visit to these pixelated pages, his most lost of lambs, Ruth Darlene Seawolf!

As just notated, Ruth is no stranger to the Snarklands, but Pastor Caleb? Literally, just stepped off the boat, and the plates of Christian crow he and Ruth are about to be force-fed aren’t going to sit well with either of them, if truth be told. And what pray tell, is the “Truth” anyway? Well, the definition of Truth is set as: “the body of real things, events, and facts: actuality”, or for those who appreciate irony, given the very nature of what is at best a ludicrous belief system; “transcendent fundamental or spiritual reality”, which never fails to make me giggle, no matter how many times I hear it.

If my mentioning Ruth fails to ring any bells for both new and old readers alike, I recommend that you reacquaint yourself by going here; https://waynemichaelreich.com/hatertriot-lames-pt-2-razz-the-ruth/ and after that interlude of insanity, jump right back in with the rest of us. Don’t worry. We’ll wait.

(plays a few games of “Tetris” on phone, has brief, but intense, debate about the importance of Phillips-head-screws to the Star Wars Universe, and finally caves in and orders 1983’s “Ice Pirates” starring seminal TV actor Robert Urich, off of Amazon Prime for later viewing.)

Up to speed? Awesome. So, let’s get going again, shall we? To start, I’d like to voice and then bolster my opinion, that when it comes to practicing disingenuousness, these two are preeminently, the Deacon and Disciple of the art Ruth, as you now know from your reading assignment, believes not only in the End of Days and the definitive option of Saran’s rule over Earth, but seemingly, every alleged conspiracy theory involving politics, culture, and of course, the ongoing COVID pandemic, all served up with an overflowing side-dish of Christian cray-cray.

From an outsider’s POV, she comes off as the end result of what would happen if Newsmax f**ked Alex Jones, and then abandoned the newborn baby, just outside of Kelly Ann Conway’s home meth lab. This is naturally, an obviously absurd statement, designed for the purpose of provoking a humorous reaction, but I’m sad to say, that I can’t say the same for this: I think it’s very important that we all take a moment  of pause, to ruminate over the fact that this pile of dumb-f**ked DNA, is not only allowed to drive a car, handle stabby pointy things, use a toaster unsupervised, and vote, but was also permitted to be spawned as well, which not only makes me weep for the failure of the condoms that could have prevented her birth, but raises the contemplative entertainment value of what might happen if you put her into a round room, right after telling her to go find a corner.

I don’t think that I have ever said this about any person, albeit they be living or dead, but given all that I’ve compiled since my last exploration of her public inanity, I do think the odds are better than average however, that one day, she’ll be the only person on Earth whose house will have to be outfitted with mandated bubble wrap, in order to keep her from injuring herself. I’ll even go one step further, and say unequivocally, that not only has Ruth never read her personal copy of the Bible, but it’s in such pristine condition, that if and when she ever does dare open its cover, its binding is gonna crack open, as if it were a virgin from Utah.

But when it comes to her poseur Pastor Caleb Cooper, on the other hand? Well, if he chooses at a salad bar with the same discerning eye that he cherry-picks the Word, I can guarantee you, that this man has never once eaten a brown piece of lettuce by accident in his entire life. Sure, most look to the Bible for either inspiration or direction, buy in my estimation, this real-life *Reverend Shaw Moose, ostensibly views it as if it were no more than the celestial marketing version of “Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds” by Charles Mackay. *[The anti-fun preacher from “Footloose”]

However, considering that one of the most relevant quotes from the book is as follows; “We find that whole communities suddenly fix their minds upon one object, and go mad in its pursuit; that millions of people become simultaneously impressed with one delusion, and run after it, till their attention is caught by some new folly more captivating than the first”, he might just be on to something, if my opinion manages to hold the water of its alleged truth.

What do I base my cynicism in, you query? Why, good ol’ social media, of course, what else? After all, If I have to offer my snark up for public dissertation regarding Ruth, it seems only fair that her Christian Obi-Wan gets the same critical drubbing as well. Now, if one were to examine the Facebook accounts of both Ruth and Poseur Caleb, [yeah, I said it] one would see two very different takes on what the Word represents to each of them.

For instance, here’s Ruth’s Facebook banner photo:

Granted, while this woman does tend to fire off rounds of debunked conspiracy theories and unhinged prophecies as if she were a human Gatling gun whose lubricating oil is mostly comprised of lunacy, at least this message is, at its core, quite lovely: “Jesus loves you”, and who among us, can’t appreciate that? Well, people whose brains still work as nature intended, along with those that Jesus and his absentee dad would consign to Hell for not believing in Him maybe, but other than that, nobody, that’s who.

But Poseur Caleb? All I can say is that this man is a true maverick. A lone wolf, His own man, if I may be so bold. This last observation that I’ve made, rings even more true, when this self-styled spiritual shepherd rather than post an inspirational quote from the book he exploits, or a snippet of a sermon stimulated by the same, blazes his own path, and chooses instead, to display this most divine outreach:

Ah, yes- the purest distillation of WWJD, is it not?  And I don’t mean to infer the maxim, “What Would Jesus Do”, as the popular bracelets like to say, but opt for the more accurate “What Would Jesus Distribute?”, instead, as its seemingly the message that Caleb is more focused on. In fact, if one peruses his FB page, they’ll notice that he throws more pitches for his self-published products, than the late, if not great, spokesperson Billy Mays ever did, and he was literally coked out pf his head and on television, 24/7.

Podcasts. Sermons. Ideological post-it notes masquerading as books by other as-talented “authors”, and in a display of sheer Chutzpah that even I can admire, there’s also repeated pitches for this must-have item for today’s intellectually challenged Christian warrior, as well:

Man, I know you always hope that the sequel to the runaway smash hit is going to be as good as the original, but this one sounds like it’s going to be absolutely lit. I mean. It literally has it all- unexpected guest cameos, in-depth character studies, and let’s not forget the awesome title, which let’s face it, is really where most of the marketing money goes, whatnot with the toys, t-shirts, and merchandising tie-ins these days.

And if they can only get Hillsong United to do the accompanying soundtrack, that sucker is gonna go platinum, guaranteed. Failing that, I’ve heard that Stryper have lots of free time on their hands lately, and they’d probably be more than happy to break out their old spandex as well, so just keep that in mind, Caleb.  Just don’t make the mistake of casting a blue-eyed blonde to play Jesus this time around again, as we’re all kind of sick of that by now.

Honestly, and if I had my druthers, I’d switch it up a bit, and cast Angela Basset, instead. Why? Because not only can that sister act her ass off, it would be hilarious to watch these so-called all-loving disciples of Jesus, complain about Hollywood’s literally unorthodox choice, while claiming it isn’t because of her race or gender, which is why they always cast a WASP dude in the role, rather than someone who’s of actual Hebrew descent, or at the very least, distinctly non-beige,

Nevertheless, you may be wondering as to why given my past (and current) criticism of Ruth’s infliction of her thinner than onion skin faith upon others, I would bother to add her poseur pastor to the mix, and the answer is crystalline- a single misguided simpleton can do enough damage on its own, but the marching orders to do so obviously come from above, so that’s where the cauterization of the idiocy has to start, otherwise, the campaign to effect changes for the better, will tabulate as no more than a zero sum at best.

Besides that point, I also find our preaching poseur well… absolutely fascinating, to say the very least. I’ve always been intrigued, if not appallingly impressed, by the sheer amount of cheek required to brazenly sell an invisible, yet supposedly necessary product in tandem with a corresponding lifestyle, that if it fails to work, the blame for such is solely on the shoulders of the person who bought it hook, line, and sinker.

If I could only find a way to set aside my ethics and brainwash the gullible populace at large, using only a fairy tale that others wrote to fund my lifestyle, not only would I have an island made from Ding Dongs, I’m pretty confident that I’d wrap myself in a cloak of sanctimonious piousness as well, to avoid the focused scrutiny of others. As a writer who sometimes receives some serious flak for expressing his opinions, I’ve always been somewhat envious that if you claim to be a person of faith, you tend to get a free pass in regards to the same.

It’s been my observation, that the one truly underrated aspect of being a religious hypocrite, is that when your pretense eventually gets exposed for the sham that it is, you can always yell “serving my God is my only offense”, and you’ll be socially absolved of all guilt. How convenient an escape clause that must be,

Here’s my take. If I can’t be exonerated of a definitive crime in the setting of an American courtroom using only the dual excuses of either “the Devil made me do it”, or even better, “Gpd forgives me”, then the social construct of both, with hands down and no question about it, is sheer unadulterated bulls**t.

To be sure, while Ruth actively promotes her hilariously misinterpreted tenets of a truly fecal-filled Faith,  she’s not solely responsible for the societal carnage such actions incur, for as much as I’d like to assign blame to a singular being, it would be both far too simplistic and arrogant for me to do so, regarding the particular situation I’ve been observing for the last year or so.

When you practice your Faith, you do what your heart tells you, despite getting it wrong every now and then, hence the reason why it’s openly noted as “practicing”, and not as “nailing it”. When you “follow” your religion on the other hand, you just simply do what you’re told, and you don’t ask any questions. If you’re allowed to, that is, and generally… you’re not, as free-thinking is quite damaging to ideologues, and all that.

Faith, in its purest distillation, ideally creates a better society, but Religion? It’s the impetus that makes its “followers” fly commercial airliners into f**king skyscrapers.

But as usual, I’m getting ahead of myself, so let me construct some necessary background context first, as to just who Poseur Caleb Cooper is, and what the breadth of his religious convictions are. Key word here being “breadth”, because man oh man, the asinine fruit doesn’t fall far from the seemingly fearmongering hedge. Nonetheless, before I take my metaphorical shears to that putrid of privets, let’s start with the House that “God” guilt, and Poseur Caleb gilds, pun definitely intended.

Looking at Cooper’s main website, calebcooperministries.com two things are readily apparent: one, Cooper really thinks highly of himself and his “education”, and two, subtle marketing is obviously not a personal career niche he’s ever been interested in exploring. First, let’s address the glorification of the self, which as we all know from John 5:31, which states: “If I alone bear witness about myself, my testimony is not deemed true”, is one of those character flaws concerning humility that God really enjoys.

“Caleb Cooper is a firebrand revivalist that operates in the Apostolic and Prophetic, believing God to change atmospheres and transform regions with revival and awakening. He ministers out of a heart that believes we are the generation that will see the coming of the Lord. Caleb Cooper received his Doctorate Degree in Biblical Studies from FountainGate School of Revival in Mesa, Arizona and has served as a Senior Pastor for over a decade. Caleb Cooper currently Pastors New Hope Revival Church in Truth Or Consequences, NM.’

I do find it somewhat ironic however, that he works out of Truth “or” Consequences, as I have serious reservations he even knows what the Truth is, given his odious oratory slithering outward as spiritual soliloquies, and as I shall reveal later on, his penchant for doing so, fuels a perspective that he feels should shield him from having to face Consequences for actions so legally and socially asinine, that even the demon Asmodeus wouldn’t want to be seen in public with him, and that guy is upper management.

Other than the errant capitalization of where he primarily pastors, that being the word “or”, I also appreciate that directly below his sugar-puffed resume, and without any (or future) praise for the Lord’s works, message, or edicts, there’s a link to pitch his books. Such brass reminds me of the warning within Proverbs 16:5, which says that, “Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.”

But I’m sure none of this would apply to a man who after his blowing his own Exalted Horn, posts this:

And then, now that he’s properly warmed up as it were, hits one deep to alt-right field;

Running towards the home collection plate, he presents this pathetic plea for subscription shekels;

And closes off his capitalistic beseeching with a financial fleecing flourish, just to be sure that we all know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is indeed, truly a man of God:

Granted, this “God” he fails to represent accurately, seems to be no more than the end product of a ministry of mammon, but I’m sure that’s just my cynicism talking as usual, am I right? Strange how Jesus and his dad never needed a literary agent or subscription fees to promote their message, but I guess the price of Last Suppers has gone up over the last few centuries, so maybe I should cut Caleb some slack, as also finding twelve guys to praise you 24/7, has also got to be bloody expensive as all get out, to boot.

Weird that Jesus worked for free, but Caleb can’t, huh? Sure, Jesus could turn water into wine, but it’s not like he could turn hummus into a consistent rent payment, so maybe, Caleb’s blatant cash-grab does make some sort of limited sense, after all.

Or, and just hear me out, maybe it doesn’t, given the edict of Philippians 2:1-10; “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”

But at the End of Days, what could I, a recovering Catholic, possibly know? After all, I only paid attention when I was in Sunday school, because I thought at the time, it’d be awesome to have a deity in my pocket that could grant me my wish of owning the full line of Star Wars toys made by Kenner, which when f places side by side with what Poseur Caleb preaches, seems almost adorably naïve, by comparison.

For those unfamiliar with the schools of theology that is the Apostolic-Prophetic movement, I’’ do my best to give you the clearest insights into what each represents. To note, the AP Movement believes that they, as a whole, are restoring elements of what they call the Five-Fold Ministry, traditionally represented using the sigil of a hand, which in of itself, symbolically characterizes the supposed ministry that God set up within the church.

Each metaphorical element of the “hand” serves as its own singular representation, while still maintaining the integrity of the core belief, which is required to anchor the movement’s analogical belief system, as is noted:

  1. The Thumb represents the Apostle: The thumb touches all others and it enables us to grip.
  2. The Forefinger represents the Prophet: It points
  3. The Middle finger represents the Evangelist: it is the furthest reaching finger
  4. The Ring finger represents the Pastor: married to the sheep he is always with them
  5. The Pinky represents the Teacher: this finger is the one that gives balance to the hand

While the roots of movement are based within the Pentecostal and Third-Wave construct, an interesting (if not incredulous) founding aspect of this theological twaddle, is the inclusion of Divine Prophecy as a serious point of dissertation.  You know… “Signs from God”, “End of Days”, “The Final Judgement”, and all that mumbo-jumbo? Never mind the fact that Matthew 25:13 clearly states that; “So you, too, must keep watch! For you do not know the day or hour of my return.”

In a nutshell, that means nobody, including Jesus himself, has any f**k8ng clue as to when God has decided to launch his comeback tour, and that’s the gospel truth, and here’s the kicker: IT LITERALLY SAYS SO IN THEIR OWN HANDBOOK, AND THEY SOMEHOW MISSED THIS SORT OF IMPORTANT POINT OF ORDER. But to be fair, the Bible is a fairly dense book, and as it lacks memes, we can’t possibly expect these cafeteria Christians to get the subtleties of its inherent message, can we now?

The accepted definition of prophecy is noted as: “the function or vocation of a prophet specifically: the inspired declaration of divine will and purpose.” When applied to the real world however, what it actually means is that we all collectively, now have one more person to avoid making eye contact with as we walk down the street. Lest they entrap us in an unwanted conversation regarding the imaginary concept of alleged divine will.

Poseur Caleb self-describes himself as a “firebrand”, which my late Oma once distinguished to me wryly as “the most diplomatic way to call someone a jackass, without using the actual word.” Speaking as someone who’s been tagged with that description more than once, even I will admit, albeit grudgingly, that this descriptive is more apt than not, especially where this talking-snake-oil salesman is concerned.

Nevertheless, when I tend to engage in acts of what my detractors would freely call unadulterated jackassery, I try to do so armed with the facts required to win the battle, if not the war itself, ethically and definitively. And as we will come to see, when you dissect what he claims to believe and purport, it’s no wonder that Ruth, as one of his dimwitted disciples, is seemingly incapable of separating the fibrous ball of inanity into the strands of reality that she so desperately needs to knit herself a working intellect.

But before I get back to that particular alleged Fruit of the Loon, let’s enjoy some rational public discourse from the guy who runs the orchard in which she vegetates:  
Ah yes… there’s no better person on earth to demand that he have the right to tell strangers what to do with their own body than a uterus-lacking man who will never be forced into having to weigh the unending ramifications of making the most difficult of all choices, am I right? Especially when he manages to bring in the Church of Satan and our current female governor Michelle Lujan Grisham, as life-stealing boogeymen of convenience.

When you consider that these alleged pro-life warriors so-called, are also the very same persons who fight against funding open access to birth control, protest sexual education classes in schools and send mobs to stand outside against Planned Parenthood as if they had taken Jesus hostage, and were holding him captive in their basement, the hypocrisy within their message is quite clear. They don’t care about saving lives, so much as the worry about not being able to control the ones that belong to women.

And if you doubt the veracity of that last statement, just ask yourself how many times you’ve seen these fetus-fellating f**kheads publicly harass or even attempt to intimidate, sexually active me. Anywhere. At any point. For any quantifiable length of time. Go ahead… I’ll be more than happy to wait. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, trying to figure out when exactly, a prophet whose sermons preached tolerance, charity, brotherhood, magnanimity, and peace, mutated into a pro-war, pro-gun, greed-supporting, hater of immigrants, and by default, an icon of the current GQP.

What I’m referring to here, is the strange dichotomy of claiming that Jesus is your homeboy, yet you still feel the need to strap on a Smith & Wesson to serve as your substitute penii when you leave your suburban bunker to go grab fuel for your tiki-torch and a large pumpkin-spice latte, for “protection”. I can only speak for myself, but if I had an all-powerful, all-knowing deity in the BFF position, I’d constantly be making grilled cheese sandwiches and Flaming Sambucas…

…while sitting in the middle of the campfire.

Why is it, that those who claim to serve with distinction n God’s army, seemingly have no faith in his authority and powers when the Jello shots hit the fan? Case in point, this ever so subtle allusion to both transphobia and personal paranoia, all from a supposed pastor who apparently feels God’s divine protection only works on every other Sunday:

Reading this, you might hope that with the number of holes that are already in Caleb’s relatively empty head, that being the celestial number of 7, one of them in theory, would allow some actual intellect in, if only in an attempt for it to take advantage pf all the open space that’s available to it rent-free, and virtually untouched. However, it once again highlights a quirk of character I’ve commented on before- why are Conservatives so obsessed with other people’s lifestyles, personally applied labels, and sex lives, far more than they are in regards to their own?

I’m not entirely sure why, but genitalia-related references pour out of conservative’s mouths these days, almost as fast as conspiracy theories set up shop in their rapidly withering brains, and it’s dually hilarious, as well as puzzling as to why they so consistently feel the need to do so. Even when supposedly talking in a recent sermon about God’s alleged Glory, Caleb uttered the following phrase, and I am literally, quite apprehensive that I’ll ever be able to top it, much less get it out of my head:

“I AM NOT GOING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THE UNCIRCUMCISED PHILISTINE WHO WANTS TO DEFY THE ARMIES OF THE LIVING GOD!”

Over the years, I’ve written a lot of jokes. Tons, in fact. But as this statement of personal fortitude was delivered in a SERMON no less, I find myself seriously reconsidering my life choices, and giving solemn pause to the idea that I should follow my long-quashed dream about becoming the lead singer for a Stryper cover band.

(Admit it… you know I could totally rock this look.)

As I’ve said oft-times before, and most likely will again in the future to come, I’m sure that there’s nothing to unpack there, given all the phallic symbolism that these people so desperately cling to, very much in the same way that Madonna death-grips her rapidly fading youth, and cultural relevance.

To his credit, our profiteering pastor is in the best of form when it comes to navigating the overly complicated world of finance, save for the minor fact that when it comes to applying a spiritual strategy to the arena of investment based in the celestial, he does so as if he were a drunken ball inside a Plinko game. And one that’s most assuredly, has been crudely stripped of its crucial inner mechanics.

“After we send your debt to our mythical Lord and celestial bookkeeper, via a thick choking cloud of potentially polluting and toxic smoke, we’re going to all go sit in the room where we seriously discuss the magical boat from the Middle East, that was filled with all of God’s creatures.

This of course, included penguins who, after walking and swimming from Antarctica, somehow, found a ship that was landlocked smack dab square in the middle of a freaking desert. And after that, we’ll address the subject of managing one’s personal finances, like clear-headed adults.”

I hate to be the one that has to point this out to you, salad brain, but burning a paper bill, does not, in fact, erase the original debt it represents. And if I were to be a bit snide, I don’t think a deity that always pleads poverty every Sunday, is gonna be the one that pours metaphorical gold back into thy coffers… just saying. But let’s not worry about that, because our resident Chaplain of Capitalism here, has in inside track on the hottest yet not even remotely newest, monetary venture, the “Kingdom Economy”!.
Sorry, Boys and Girls, but in order for you to make money, God is gonna have to ask you for a cut off the top first. However, you know he’ll pay you back, post haste. With interest, Pinky swear. That’s why it says “In God we Trust” on our currency, because Jesus is all about making it rain.

Just ask all those moneylenders in the Temple… I’m sure they’ll vouch for him in a heartbeat.
Also keep in mind, that sure, you may be the one going to work every day and doing all the heavy lifting, but in the end, it’s really God who deserves the credit for your labors. And as long as you remember to put God’s 401K ahead of your own, he might even grant you the privilege to keep doing doing so, until you drop dead on your 20-minute lunch break. What a guy.
“You will lack Nothing”, says the poseur Pastor whose lifestyle is supported solely by his doubling as customers spiritual flock, and who instructed them to put God first before themselves, but I’m sure that’s just a case of awkward semantics, at worst. But then again, I also still hold out hope that my parents are going to come back to that mall where they dropped me off that one fine summer day, 45 years ago.

Obviously, buying cigarettes and returning to get me, posed a far greater challenge than either one realized at the time, which I’m quite certain, must have happened a lot during the seventies. I don’t know how Caleb gets his in-fleecing mode flock to believe this bunkum, but it’s also fair to say that it’s not like he’s been liquidating his *Flavor-Aid stock so that he can open up a satellite branch in Guyana, either… yet.

*[Despite the Urban legend, it was cyanide-laced Flavor-Aid that the victims at Jonestown drank, which to this day must make the PR team at Kool-Ade, madder than hell,]

I could, if I was truly feeling my Honey-Nut Cheerios in regards to this self-serving call for “seed sowing”, by citing Matthew 19: 21 which notates that; “Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me”. but I’m almost certain that our religious capitalist had to have taken it into consideration before he crafted these monetary morsels of wisdom.

However, all clearly obvious jokes aside, let it never be said that Caleb is a one-cult-pony, for he’s a man with range. Along with his pandering of the pulpit, his disdain for the still fore-skinned, and his side-hustle as a writer of apocalyptic vision porn, he’s also a modern-day Patriot, cut from the same partisan polyester as other noted White Nationalists, such as Josh Hawley, Matt Gaetz, and America’s greatest champion against the ongoing scourge of Jewish space-lasers, Marjorie Taylor Greene.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say “White Nationalists”, so much as I meant to say “Unamerican Tiki-torching twat-burgers”. My sincerest apologies, all around. Damnit. I did it again. The descriptive I should have applied here is “Cravenly Connoisseurs of Fascism”, which I feel, is far more accurate, in light of the abominable amalgamation of faux cultural pride, inner spirituality, and Stalinist totalitarianism

If it turns out they find themselves still needing a grounding image to truly exemplify what ideological constructs the GQP will be presenting for the 2024 campaign, America itself, and for the time beyond, I’d suggest they go with this:Hey, if they’re allowed to endlessly strum the Hyperbole Harp, then we should be allowed the same courtesy too. As to the nationalism descriptive I’ve hurled, I’ll address that in a moment, but first, let’s enjoy some further examples of the misconstrued patriotism that Poseur Caleb hawks as if he were working a street corner in Alphabet City:

I don’t know the exact answer to your question Caleb, but I’d surmise it might be similar to the belief that not getting sick and spreading a virulent pathogen to others, is usually a good thing, but that’s just off the top of my head, which unlike yours, doesn’t come to a point. What nerve these businesses have, asking the general public to willingly assist in their efforts keep their employees, customers, and vendors as safe as possible in the middle of an increasingly resistant pandemic.

Bastards! Bastards all. Thank the stars, that your deity never wasted a moment of his time on the sick.

That’s okay… we in all actuality, never want to see one of your candy-assed temper tantrums ever again either, so I guess there’s common ground to be had, after all. I don’t want to sound condescending, but you really can’t call it a “rally:, when it’s always the same 24 White people who show up replete with their lawn chairs, Chinese-made Trump hats, “Trump 2024” flags, and an actively worsening case of Trump Derangement Syndrome, (AKA:TDS)

This affliction, which causes its sufferers to believe that a traitorous and sexually assaulting adulterer, who lost both the popular vote and the electoral college, was somehow worthy of ever having been this country’s President, can oft be reversed with a steadfast regimen of Reality, Education, and swearing off Right-wing media, but sadly, most of its victims eventually succumb to their own stupidity, and spend the rest of their wretched lives, screaming at the empty sky.

That is, if they haven’t killed themselves attempting to make toast, of course. And when it comes to “Tyranny” Caleb? While it’s nice to see that you can spell it correctly, you sure as heck can’t define it.

Is it just me, or do you also get the feeling that if Caleb has any tattoos, they’re probably all quotes from The Turner Diaries? Where are the Patriot whatevers, he asks?  Well, if past history can be used as a yardstick of any measure, they’re either playing “I’m a Militia” in the woods of Michigan, or more likely, embarrassing themselves and their loved ones in public, as they argue pointlessly as to why they don’t need to wear a mask like everybody else is currently doing without histrionics.

Despite his protections that he can’t find the true patriots, all Caleb has ever had to do to determine their whereabouts, is to look sharply to his extreme Right, and he’ll find them literally “Right” where he left them.  Who are these intimately connected paragons of American Patriotism and Christian values whose support and friendship Caleb treasures so deeply, you ask?

Only the Cowboys for Trump, of course, because there’s no more natural alliance to be made than the one between a New York supposed billionaire who sexually assaults women, and, a group of allegedly racist blue-collar cowboys, who when not threatening politicians with bodily harm, infer the same should be visited upon terrified immigrants, just like the brown-skinned Jew that they claim to worship, would do.

Because as the Good Book tells us, in Shitheadius 10:1; “And the Lord gathered the Morons of the arid Lands replete with green chiles, and bade them to care not for others or themselves, for the sale of books with covers too far apart, must continue unabated, and to be haughty and dance like uncircumcised Philistines, in front of the official scribes who would note their jackassery for the age, with great humor and infinite sadness.”  

For if there’s one demographic that the Son of God would willingly ally himself with, it would most definitely, be a group of seemingly bigoted Cowboys who’d allegedly bone a steer, long before they’d ever brand it. Assembling as a whole at a New Mexican church in May of this year, this pathetic hissy-fit masquerading as a PR stunt, was in defiance of an executive order declared by New Mexico’s Governor Michele Lujan Grisham, that church services could only have a 25-percent capacity gathered in adoration.

In light of their action, these two forces of Southwestern flatulence, unwittingly offered up yet another take on WWJD, by asking the (as of yet) unanswered question of, “Who Would Jesus Deport?”. And as I’ve inferred throughout this screed, there’s no better way to back up your POV, quite like citing a Bronze Age book of fairy tales, in lieu of an actual counter-argument using empirical evidence.

Revelation 12:11; “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.” Remember my earlier joke that Poseur Caleb was going to open a satellite location in Guyana? Good. Because I seriously think he just added a Flavor-Ade water slide, log ride, and vending machines, to the projected layout.

Seriously, what in the actual f**k is wrong with this person? The concept of a Death cult is not new by any stretch, but mythical Jesus F**king Christ, there hardly seems an existent need for such nowadays, notwithstanding the possible release of a new Highlander movie in the future, for lack of a better example. One question arises however- if these pious pinheads truly don’t fear Death, for heaven awaits, then why are they seemingly afraid of everything else on Earth that doesn’t neatly jibe with their fairy tale ideology?

As I’ve stated previously; “if I had an all-powerful, all-knowing deity in the BFF position, I’d constantly be making grilled cheese sandwiches and Flaming Sambucas, while sitting in the middle of the campfire..” I am however, not going to accept whatever final sacrament Caleb might offer me, though. It’s not that I fear cyanide. It’s more that I find Flavor’s version of fruit punch to be far too sweet. In retrospect, lacing it with cyanide might actually take that sickly edge off of it, so there’s the upside,First things first, you constitutional cuckold. The Separation 0\f Church and State is in itself, not a “lie”, unless of course, you’re measuring it against your fever-dream of a fully theocratic United States, which I’m happy to say, is never gonna f**king happen. EVER. Why, you cry? Because of the Establishment and Free Exercise Clauses, I gleefully retort.

As noted within the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, it simply states that: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” In layman’s terms, this means that you can practice your religion openly, regardless of which one it is that you’ve chosen, and without having to fear any form of unreasonable consequence, for doing so.

It also means that despite the claims of cafeteria Christians across this great nation, THERE IS NO “OFFICIAL” RELIGION THAT REPRESENTS THE UNITED STATES, so y’all can go suck a duck, with whatever technique you wish, although I’m morally obligated to inform you that engaging in such an act, consensual or not, might be illegal in most principalities as a rule of thumb. Therefore, I’d also strongly recommend that you at least undertake some diligent research, before you decide to get amorous with any random mallard.

Consequently, the only ‘lie’ being told here, is the one that faux Christian patriots tell themselves every night as they say there’s no such separation, and the one Caleb tells himself, as he shirks responsibility for his role in disseminating the recognized falsehood of such.

But it’s not all bad news for the overly sanctimonious among us, for you’re an established church or a member of the clergy thereof, and possess eve a small measure of promotional savvy, you can in theory, use your tax-free gilded shelter to build your particular brand of liturgical ludicrousness into either a long-term career fleecing the gullible, or perhaps, even into a collection of notably wretched wet-dreams, centered on the machinations of a sociopathic and wholly imaginary deity, who grants wishes and celestial lottery tickets to his followers, but only on the condition that he can do so, mysteriously.

Concerning the cease and desist letter that Poseur Caleb received from NM’s “Tyrannical” governor, it all comes back to Cooper’s unfounded, unintelligent, and unconceivable, anti-masking stance, based on his misapprehension of that old’ adage “WWJD”: which, when placed in the arrogant hands of Poseur Caleb, mutates into  “Whom Would Jesus Doom” instead, as evidenced by the screenshot below:An inconvenient observation, to lighten the mood. Despite the scads of local, national, and intercontinental media and health agency reports of Clergy and their citizen charges dying of COVID, the dumbf**ks of divination, such as Caleb here, still fall back on the proven to be false bullspit of “God will protect me”, regardless of what all the empirical evidence says in opposition.

That is, when he’s not posting fatally sociopathic, and mentally harmful reassurance like this:  

For the record, Matthew 5:10 says absolutely nothing about death, and even far less about the accepted definition of true tyranny, nothing that; “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  And while the two concepts can share some commonalities, they are defined individually as such: TYRANNY: “a government in which absolute power is vested in a single ruler”, versus PERSECUTION: “the act or practice of persecuting especially those who differ in origin, religion, or social outlook.”

That last portrayal ironically enough, does dovetail neatly with your belligerent religion’s habit of attacking non-Christian faiths, the LGBTQ community, social protestors, and atheists, but I’ll digests for now, as there’s no reason to keep beating a dead horse. However, our first definitive only becomes less apt to Caleb’s complaint, when one remembers how Trumpists, such as himself, slavishly lauded Donald Trump when he was President, as the supreme authority over all matters, whether they’d be militaristic, economic, societal, religious, ethical, or as he so disastrously demonstrated, medically relevant.

And as for his quote from the Big Book of Bronze Age Balderdash?

All I can say in retort is this: you’re not being “persecuted” because you’re a Christian [so-called] Pastor asserting a position against an illegal governmental overreach, faux as that opinion is, you’re being held accountable for breaking the established law of the land, for no other reason than to hawk your menial ministry, and its product line of badly-written fan-fiction-themed mash notes to a God you don’t represent, or more importantly, honor.

And once again, if you are a believer, and you “no longer fears death and persecution”, then why are you whining like a candy-assed bitch about being subject to getting served with a C and D? Thou doth protest too much, methinks. Then again, I can only imagine how hard it must be to earn your 13 pieces of silver, especially when the rules you reserve for others, are found to equally apply to you as well. And in answer to your query of “ARE YOU NOT READY TO MEET JESUS?”, I can only respond with the riposte that if you and I have to both sit at the same table making small talk, I’d rather go to Hell.

Besides, it isn’t like you’re not going to eventually show up there someday anyway, so I might as well cut out the middleman messiah, if only to free up his ever so busy schedule of appearing in clouds and tortillas.

Speaking of keeping up appearances, I became immensely curious about Caleb’s Biblical education, especially when during the course of my research for this creed, that FountainGate School of Revival, the seminary where he acquired his Doctorate Degree in Biblical Studies, along with not even being listed among the top 50 theological schools in the United Sates, doesn’t even have a physical campus at all, as its course of studies are exclusively online.

At first appraisal, this might give its degrees of completion a cachet more akin to the honorary ones bestowed upon celebrities, allowing for far less bragging rights than those accredited by actually respected spiritual institutions, such as Wheaton College or Pepperdine University, but I refuse to split wigs until I get to know who they are, and what they’re all about.

Seems only fair, right? After all, I definitely don’t wat to come off as an uncircumcised Philistine, not that Caleb and crew aren’t even remotely scared by those, half as much as they are by facts. And I assure you, there’s no foreskin shadowing involved, in regards to any of this:

From the FountainGate School of Revival website, a brief description of who and what they be: FGSOR, a TransWorld Accrediting Commission accredited Bible College offers Associate of Arts (AA), Bachelor of Arts (BA), and Master of Arts (MA) degree programs in Biblical Studies and Missions with emphasis in the following areas:

  • Biblical Studies
  • History of Revival and Revivalists
  • Components of Revival
  • Revival Now Activation
  • Developing Your Spirit-Filled Gifts
  • Ministry Experience / Evangelism
  • Prophetic Impartation / International Missions

Overlooking the exclusion of necessary commas, this reads like standard for profit school boilerplate, does it not? Sure, it does. That is, until you read the rest of what they stand for. And as I don’t want to be accused of selective editing, here’s the proof, straight from the hollowed [pun intended] virtual halls of what Trump University could have been, if its creators had only known how to promote the imaginary Apocalypse, instead of the imaginary genius of a failed reality TV show host.

Translation: “We’re currently in the process of warping the reality of still-developing minds in order to continue the cycle of societal carnage that organized religion inflicts upon the world, as a means to make Society at large, less like Utopia, and more like Gilead.”.

Translation: “Through the application of Bronze-Age fairy tales, cherry-pocked conclusions, and a steady immersion in a pond unfounded doomsaying, we will train you to go forth, traveling securely with a sales pitch so ludicrously insane that only the late L. Ron Hubbard could ever challenge it, as you f**k up both multiple communities, and their formerly rational denizens, across the globe.”
Translation: “Those who once laughed at us, will be laughing no longer, once we get in charge. Count on it. But don’t worry- we’re only going to try and legally [of course] persecute the LCBTQ community, their allies, atheists, humanists, scientists, free-thinkers, non-Christians or those Christians that don’t fit our definition of what “a true Christian” is, as well as women who want body autonomy or express opinions, and those pesky outlanders from other countries, if they don’t renounce their heathen ways.”

Even better, at least whereas my darkly twisted sense of humor is concerned, is the fact that since they don’t have an actual campus, they were forced to use stock photography in order to depict their so-called “students”. What’s next to discover, finding out that their IT guy website designer, and office coffee gopher are all the same person, you know… the nephew who works for free, and is still attending high school?

And here we are, worried about the Taliban and border security, when these nutbar Nazarenes are running around, completely unsupervised? I don’t mean to be disparaging, truly I don’t, but given the lack of intellectual gravitas I’ve seen displayed by Caleb, why do I get the feeling that if this “school” ever did manage to establish a physical campus, the only requirements to enter would be based on no more than an ability to open the front door, and have your personal check clear?

Nevertheless, while Caleb’s spiritual coffers may be skipping along smoothly, its fairly obvious that his academic ones are severely overdrawn at best, especially where engaging in research regarding the current pandemic is concerned. I mean it’s one thing to believe that God will “protect” you, despite all evidence to the contrary, but to willingly ignore the fact that a good chunk of those who’ve already died from COVID had to be as equally religious, and yet still wound up as casket citizenry, should at least, you’d think, cause him to engage in a moment of inner reflection. 

I don’t know. Maybe he’s waiting for a sign or something even more subtle, if not openly mysterious for instance. Like when a team of ICU doctors are forced to shove respirator tubes down his kids’ throats, due to his being bereft of common sense. For my part, I hope that this never happens, but if did come to pass that some member of his family had to be afflicted, and he was the only one that got sick, I’d love to see if he would indeed, fall back on his Faith as he’s been claiming or if he would show up at his local Emergency room, begging for the assistance that he supposedly thinks God will provide.

Either way it plays out, the Schadenfreude would be epic, if not worth the wait

Nevertheless, since God still works in mysterious ways, we can really do nothing, save to sit on our sanitized hands and wait, so while we do, let’s enjoy yet another slice of nattering-iced nut-cake, and let the crumbs fall where they may:So much faux badassery within this totally believable declaration, is there not? First, since almost all of NM is under some form of mandate, there’s very few (if any) places where you can go maskless without reproach. Second, NO ONE IS THREATENING TO POKE YOUR FAMILY WITH A NEEDLE AGAINST THEIR WILL, YOU CONSPIRACY-CHUGGING CHOAD. And third, try looking on the upside. If “they” do close your church, think of all the time you’ll now have to write yet another self-published tome targeting the gullible among your flock, who, unlike us, actually believe its literature, and not a coaster in disguise.

Regarding he edict of Ephesians 6:13; “Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand”, that might work when you’re facing an emissary of Evil hat’s wholly imaginary, but it doesn’t do f**k-all, when it comes to infectious disease. Any other questions before we enter this next wave of the Global Storm, you asked? I do have one, at least. But since it involves settling my curiosity as to whether or not you played astronaut as a child using a bread bag tied tightly around your head sans air holes, I’ll save if for another time.Say what you will about our poseur pastor here, and I encourage you to do so, but he could teach a group of three-year-old’s a thing or two about throwing a pissy-hissy-fit, and I mean that as a compliment. Once again, you dumbass of deceitful divination, NO ONE IS THREATENING TO POKE YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER, WITH A NEEDLE AGAINST THEIR WILL.

The only thing anyone might be interested in sticking you or your Stockholm syndrome afflicted family with, would be a copy of a science book, or come to think of it, any book that unlike the one you use to rationalize your ignorance, doesn’t require you to have the intellect of a four-year-old to believe what’s contained within it.

Look, I understand. I really do. It’s difficult to sell your particularly unappetizing brand of Apocalypse anchovies without the ability to paint you and your followers as being under some form of constant attack, as provided by your enemies, both real and imagined, but you’re stretching the concept in practice a bit here, even by your standards. Which to be fair, are already set so low, that cockroaches have to limbo, just so they can travel underneath them.

Seriously… where do you get this bullspit from, Caleb? Is the source the alleged voices in that empty melon you call a head, or are you just psychically channeling the thoughts of crazy dead people, who just so happen to be speaking in tongues?

And as a side query, what exactly did you mean when you said “It’s time to take rebuke the devil”/ I assume that there’s an extra and unnecessary “take” in there, due to your getting overexcited at the prospect of sermonizing via meme, as well as thinking that an imaginary construct would even pay attention to you in the first place.

Nonetheless, in the future, do yourself and us, a favor next time before you type out inanity such as this, by taking a few extra minutes in the bathroom and hand-stoking that hell-fire right out of your brain before you decide to go and spray it all over the pixelated page, ok Sparky?

Thanks. You’re a peach.

And by the way, it was always taught to me as a child that God’s judgement was the highest court in the land, but I can understand why it is no longer. It’s gotta be a bitch trying to find a lawyer, when most of the truly experienced ones, are already in Hell, and out of the celestial court’s reach.Has anyone else noticed that the morons who screech the loudest about others needing to “wake up”, are usually the same ones complaining about these they’re ideologically opposed to, being “woke”, as they themselves, sleepwalk through Reality? I’m sure there’s nothing to take away from that. Not only are the mandates well within the boundaries of constitutional law, as I’ve explained in previous screeds, but I’ll also take the position that protecting the populace from an infectious disease, is truly the singular item that’s not to be found in Satan’s wheelhouse, either.

Don’t get me wrong, as he’s no more than a mythical construct and all, but helping humanity really isn’t the niche that he’s become known for. I’m open to the odea that as Evil Incarnate, he could be solely responsible for the Star Wars prequels, every Highlander sequel, and the Kardashians getting a TV show, but throwing us talking monkeys a bone without making us sign a contract written in blood first?

So not his style. But I will float the possibility, given all the adulterers, grifters, homophobes, xenophobes, jingoists, racists, and misogynists that are the baseboards of the current GQP, that conservatives are in for (pardon the pun) one “Hell” of a BBQ when the end days finally do arrive.  It’s going to be an even bigger shock when they discover they’re going to be both the guests of honor, as well as the main course.Two points. The first being that yes, government is a/the problem. Always has been, always will be. That is, until AI takes everything over, and we can finally free ourselves pf ego, bureaucracy, and the aggravation of having to “take a number”, only to be told when it gets called, that we’ve been waiting in the wrong line for 45 minutes. The second point of mine is that I, nor anybody else for that matter, should take any advice concerning constitutional legalities, medical protocol, or social grace, from a guy whose Doctorate in magical unicorn thinking was issued by the Christian equivalent of DeVry University.  

To that end, let’s take a gander at the newest perversion of the Word as a means to get around the necessary mandates, that being the bogus claim of “religious exemption”. It is not for me to say that the concept of religious exemption is in itself bogus, as a refusal to serve in the military could fall under this social provision, but when it comes to masking protocols and social distancing, this is yet another pathetically transparent dodge by a divining demographic that shirks personal accountability in the very same manner that Neo avoids bullets in the Matrix.
What exactly is the accepted definition of religious exemption, and how is it being openly abused in this, the age of pandemic, you wonder? Well, here you go: “the act of exempting, or state of being exempt, due to personally held religious convictions.” In simpler terms, it gives one the right to refuse being part of, or engaging in, any willing course of action that would violate the tenets of one’s strongly-held spiritual beliefs. On the surface, this stance in nobility is laudable, the willingness to hold firm for what you believe to be just, and all that

Dig deeper in regards to some of these people’s claim of conviction however, and you’ll find that the depth of their dignity is thinner than the veneer on an IKEA coffee table. Case in point? Take this op-ed article, written by Pastor Keith Marshall, who uses DIRECTLY QUOTED SCRIPTURE to argue the case as to why the clause of religious exemption does not unswervingly apply to the current COVOD crisis:
Now, as a recap, here we have an ordained Man of God, using edicts dictated straight out of the mouth of the Holy Father himself, which by that alleged fact alone, punch a huge hole in the bullspit boat that these spiritual sociopaths use to float their selfishly justified narrative against the current of Reality. I’m pretty sure I got that part right. In fact, who could possibly get it wrong, considering who the original author of the source material is, and who the writer of the op-ed is known to work for?

Certainly, not a self-decreed Christian, who’s been dyed in the wool of the Lamb, and consistently prone to posting scripture and personal judgments alike, supposedly based upon the same soul owner’s manual the good pastor referenced, am I right?  If course I am. It just stands to reason, that if a chosen warrior of the one true God quotes verbatim from the Word itself, only the most hypocritical and insolent of his children would dare cast disparagement upon it.

Fortunately, outside of our featured Poseur Pastor himself, I can’t imagine anyone else who would do such a thing, and most definitely, they sure as heck, wouldn’t dare to do so in pub…
…sigh… oh hello, Ruth. What brings you back around? Couldn’t handle going five minutes without embarrassing yourself, your family, and least important of all, your invented deity? Let me get this straight, if I may. Despite this minister using THE EXACT SAME WORDS you claim to follow, you’re “glad” that this man whose advocacy for personal spiritual action answers the question of WWJD in its purest distillation, is not your pastor?

Something tells me that both he, and to a lesser extent, the late noted Satanist Anton Szandor LaVey, would breathe a huge sigh of relief upon finding this out. Pastor Marshall, because he wouldn’t see the point in arguing with your misinterpreting and willfully churlish ass, and in the case of LaVey, because as an ardent Satanist, he’d prefer not to hang out with persons as morally rudderless as yourself.

Yeah, you read that right. I called Ruth Darlene Seawolf, Silver City’s answer as to what a Christian cat lady might present look like, “morally rudderless”, and until I manage to craft an even more insulting turn of phrase to adequately describe her, I’ll back it with a bucket of my blood, if necessary. In a blogvella to come, I’ll be more than happy to go into further detail as to why I feel this way, but for now, I’ll just let this slice of sheer hubris referencing the good Pastor’s op-ed, suffice:
By the by, the definition of “woke” applied as a negative, as most conservatives are apt to do, is as follows: “The act of being very pretentious about how much you care about a social issue.”  This slur, is often used without a trace of irony by people of whom it can be easily said, if not proven, stereotypically don’t regard any social issue that doesn’t happen directly to them, as inconsequential, irrespective of whatever the facts to the contrary may be.

You know… things like poverty, lack of job and economic opportunities for minorities, inherent structured racism, homelessness, abject poverty, misogyny, homophobia, wealth inequality, and unequal justice, depending on one’s wealth and social status? So, while this man who’s dedicated his life in servitude to the greater good is “woke”, the deity under whose authoritative morality he does it willingly for, is not?

 I may be going out on a limb here, but logic dictates that the Son of God, who preached Love, Tolerance, Acceptance, Charity, and Brotherhood, may actually be a tad bit more on the woke side than the head shoved completely up your ass contingent, that you and your poseur pastor represent.

Considering that Christianity as a whole, managed to take a dark-skinned Hebrew who was all about the best of Humanity, and mutate him into a pro-war, pro-gun, pro-America, pro-Trump train WASP, is still one of the best reboots ever inflicted upon a work of fiction, and I say this as someone who saw the all-female cast “Ghostbusters”, no less than six times.

Seriously. It’s actually a really good movie, so don’t sell it short, the way that Ruth does her so-called faith on a daily basis. I can’t tell you why, but given all that I’ve observed in regards to her outright hostility towards the World of the Real over the last year or so, especially where the issue of a Supreme Being is concerned, I‘d opine that this might be how she “sells” God to those on the razor’s edge of believing: ,This sole observation of mine aside Ruth, I truly hope that if there ever does come a Day of Judgement, that you and I are next to each other in the queue, because I definitely want the best seat in the house when God gleefully kicks you off his cloud, and straight into the pits of Hell. Granted, I may be arriving there shortly after you, but at least I’ll have a job lined up first.

Regardless of what you and your ignorantly vile ilk born of עֵגֶּל הַזָהָב, [AKA: “ēggel hazāhāv”, AKA: “the Golden calf”] claim to purportedly believe, in my opinion, at best you’re the simplest of liars, and at worst, full-blown sociopaths in training. Here’s the real kicker though, and I hope it gives you some grist for you to mill later on, although if you actually possessed critical thinking skills, you wouldn’t be an adult of advancing age who still accepts a magical zombie as a tangible reality and potential savior.

Just saying.

When it gets right down to the brass nails of crucifixion, claiming a religious exemption for a critically needed public health safety measure, is akin to those self-obsessed pricks who claim that they “need” their pet porcupine to sit next to them on a flight, because it’s an emotional support companion. They’re full pf merde, and quite honestly, so are you. And if it was just you alone, screaming at the sky and affecting no one else, I’d let it be, but it’s not.

Like the COIVID virus itself, your ignorance, your false narratives, and your Christian conspiracy theories infect almost everything it touches, and this last meme I feel, backs up this opinion of mine, for no less than the sheer scope of its asinine audacity:It must be something of a personal luxury to have enough leash to be so consistently wrong, especially when the costs of being so, are borne by others unknown to you. I could easily be slurred for the perception that I’m holding you to my personal standards, but the reality is far worse, for I’m holding you to your own.

Maybe nobody has ever told you this, but God isn’t known for his charity when you deliberately misconstrue his collection of immorality tales to bolster your own personal biases, and in the case of your wolf in lamb’s clothing pastor, to fatten up his Mammon mutual funds. It’s bad enough that he can make bank off what is supposed to be a virtuous message pf hope and salvation, but to know that he uses the cover pf an eth9ically ambiguous tax-shelter to potentially endanger the community at large as well?

Just what the world needs right now- a medical professional who doesn’t believe in [protecting her future patients. Since masks and social distancing “don’t work”, according to you f**king troglodytes, then why bother with following any medical protocol in the first place? Next time you have surgery, let the staff know that proper sterilization is way overrated, and that they can forgo washing their hands and wearing surgical gear as well.

F**k, I can’t wait till the next time I have a medical procedure, and note that  my anesthesiologist is wearing a Motörhead tee-shirt, instead of scrubs. That’s d stunningly unique way to spread the Gospel, let me tell you. Abusing the concept of religious adherence, in order to introduce the denial of established science into a profession tasked with protecting people’s health. Purely insured genius at work

Just think of all the business you’ll be able to send Jesus, by helping unleash a nurse who doesn’t actually believe she should follow the basic fundamentals of her sadly chosen profession- what could possibly go wrong, other than everything?

I can only assume the inherent message to be found within your next sermon: “Sure, Jesus might have clearly stated that you should be your brother’s keeper, but that’s really more of a guideline these days, and besides if you actually did, that might hurt my whole marketing scheme, and rest assured, the Lord that I pimp as if he were Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, sure doesn’t want that.” 

So in closing, we have a pastor who’s cool with saving established in bad faith careers, in order to maintain his growing status as a Prophet of Profit, and tagging along in his wake, a disingenuous disciple, who, when given her repudiation of GOD’S OWN UNARGUABLE EDICTS as something trivial. I’d suggest that for her own sake, if not her pastors, Ruth should probably stock up on an everlasting replenishing supply of Aloe Vera, because its assuredly cooing to be an absolute necessity where she and her alleged partner in spiritual slime, are going to be wantonly witnessing for eternity.

That is, if Matthew 7:21-23 is even remotely close to being on the money: “”Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.”

Thus endeth the summon of snark, my brothers and sisters. For now.
But when I come back…

I undertake yet another deep dive into a collective quorum of mental midgetry, topped off with a candy-assed-and-not-a-babe-Ruth, discuss some health stuff straight out pf the fevered imagination of H.P. Lovecraft, highlight some behind-the-scenes intrigue, and prepare myself for an upcoming Battle Royale, with persons too intellectually dense to even know what that is.   

“Therefore the Lord said: “Inasmuch as this people draw near Me with their mouth and with their lips do honor Me, but have removed their heart far from Me, and their fear toward Me is taught by the precept of men,” – Isaiah 29:13