Wayne Michael Reich

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Wayne Michael Reich

Conspiracy Drearies. Pt. 1 (Mad Mad World)

“I had noticed that both in the very poor and very rich extremes of society the mad were often allowed to mingle freely.” – Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

Greetings, Bitchiteers!

how is everyone doing? Are we as a whole, fully recovered from the over-inflated trauma of watching the Fresh Prince bitch-slap Long Dong Silver, or is that still a topic we need to keep beating into dust? Why do I bring up yesterday’s news to start off this, the newest of my therapy sessions masquerading as social commentary?

It’s all because of the morass of moronic mental meandering that I stumble upon while skipping handfuls of metaphorical stones across the deceptively shimmering surface of the anaerobic lagoon that is the World Wide Web. To be fair, the Internet is equally amazing and abominable, showcasing both the best and the worst that Humanity has to offer, with perhaps the lone exception being whomever greenlit the reboot of “Fame”, in 2009.

While it’s given us all the bliss that only watching hamsters eating tiny burritos can provide, there’s also the effervescent joy that is B. Dylan Hollis recreating vintage recipes, the end result of which, is that along with discovering some new unforeseen gastronomic delights, his warmth and hilarity that emerges as he does so, will do nothing less than restore your ever-dwindling faith in Humanity:

Seriously. Go follow this dude on YouTube and TikTok, and I guarantee that you will not be sorry that you did,  

Getting back on track, the creation of the Web has also sadly given us the unfettered rise in the dissemination of ignorance, paranoia, White supremacist outreach, and of course, the subject of today’s screed, that being Conspiracy Theories.  But what exactly are those, the naïve among you may ask? Well, as I like to refer to them, they’re philosophical discussions for people who actually believe that the 1987 Whitley Streiber novel “Communion”, was based on real-life events,

However, the widely accepted definitive is as such: “An attempt to explain harmful or tragic events as the result of the actions of a small powerful group. Such explanations reject the accepted narrative surrounding those events; indeed, the official version may be seen as further proof of the conspiracy.”

In simpler terms, they’re generally biased fever-dreams that are taken with far too much credence, and to help kick off todays tumble into this ever-widening rabbit hole of inanity, I present this gem of gibberish, courtesy of previous Artbitch scratching post and one of my favorite human analogs for a bowl of barely sentient pudding skin, Mr. Richard (“Ricardo”) Leyba:

This ludicrously insane supposition, yet one more example of just how delusionally disconnected the extremist arm of the alt-right movement is from accepted reality, illustrates perfectly just why they’re inherently more dangerous than comical.  

While I am open to the concept of governments engaging in the act of misdirection, I do have a hard time believing that the best option that the Deep State agents who stole the 2020 election had in reserve to draw attention away from the dealings of the Supreme Court, was to set a pop culture icon of the 90’s loose upon the stage of an awards show that moist Americans didn’t even know was on.

Truly, the most cunning of plans, worthy of Machiavelli’s respect, if not notation.

But as we’ve observed, January Sixth being the prime example of such, the dark lands that they roam, are devoid of anything save for fear, unwarranted suspicion, and their devotion to a warped faith which espouses that no occurrence is random, and that all that does transpire, is no less than the end result of predetermined and malevolent machination, put in play by an ever-changing roster of imagined enemies.

This, in and of itself, is nothing new, whereas the world of politics is concerned, for crafted propaganda has always served as a metaphorical cudgel of the influential and those hoping to eventually be, but this previous incarnation has been cast aside as of late, in favor of a far more weaponized rhetoric whose strength comes not from the sanctity of its argument, but from the wellspring of destructive divisiveness that it can generate.

And when such a virulent toxin is disseminated via a conduit that is truly accessible 24/7, the first casualty will always be rationality, if not cultural civility. Especially when the cloak of anonymity that the Internet provides, remains as of yet, immunely impenetrable.

Yesterday’s cravenly under their breath public mutterer, has become today’s online conservative warrior, and so long as they can remain hidden within their fortress of sardonic sullenness, they’ll keep punching far above their weight class, and then as they lay there bleeding from the bating that they just took, claim a victory they did not actually achieve. Now, while some might label this mindset as nothing less than the most pathetic of delusions, I’d respectfully disagree.

If anything, I for one, would say that it’s right on brand.

For instance, I have always loved it when conservatives take a positive cultural development, and due to their inability to educate themselves, turn it into a politically charged Cause célèbre fueled by ignorance, which sadly, seems to be the only way that they can inspire their minions into undertaking a course of action. Next to the act of utilizing either the physicality of a burning cross, or the imagery of a Confederate flag, that is.

In a nutshell, your typical modern-day conservative isn’t that bright, and quite honestly, has no desire to be. So, the very idea of their not immediately swallowing an outlandish concept set loose by the bey people who directly profit form it, such as the GQP leadership, conservative media companies, and of course, the merchandising arms of the Trump and QAnon cabals, is optimistic at best, unless of course you too, believe in the “War on Christmas”, the “Big Lie”, and that the 2020 election was “stolen” by agents of the so-called Deep State.

If so, here’s your conservative gift bag containing your “Trump 2024” hats, t-shirts, and yard signs, to warn everyone who may come in contact with you, that you are indeed, a total f**king idiot, worthy of both contempt and mockery. But to be fair, you should probably be used to that by now, considering you post stuff like this:

But then almost immediately, if not hypocritically, engage in an act of self-ownership by doing stuff like this:

But please, my ever so moral and upright Patriots, please continue to lecture us, the people already standing on the right side of history, as to which side of the political fence is the real enemy to America’s cherished Freedoms. You know, when you’re done legislating not only what language can be used when schools discuss the LGBTQ community, but attempting to remove women’s body autonomy, and determine what aspects of American history should be covered in a ten-foot layer of literal whitewash as well?

While Donald Trump may be the closest that the GQP has ever gotten to successfully assembling their very own version of Frankenstein’s monster save for the humanity and the broad appeal to the intelligent, their ingredient list for concocting such, as well the enablers that slavishly protect him, is a tried-and-true recipe that goes back decades, and is for MAGAts, is as easily swallowed, as pudding is to the toothless.

To create such a person, you will need to do the following: combine equal parts of fear, xenophobia, jingoism, nationalism, and willful ignorance, mix with a smattering of suspicion and religious hypocrisy, pour into an empty shell of a human being, sprinkle with ignorance, and bake in the crucible of an ever-changing for the better culture, until the racist icing turns completely White, and unbiddenly, starts boasting of its self-styled pride in being so.

And whatever you do, don’t forget to serve it with a side dish of mewling misogyny, because mythical God knows, your undersized genitalia can’t handle independent women doing things without your unnecessary approval:

I don’t want to cast unwarranted derision upon this obviously defective individual here, but does anybody else get the feeling that this man-boy’s idea of a successful three-way involves being able to freely douse his hands with Jergen’s lotion, and managing to find himself being left alone in his mom’s garage for two and a half minutes?

Whew. For a second, I thought it was only me.

I’ve often made light of modern-day conservatives for positioning themselves as inadvertent beacons for well-deserved mockery, as it’s truly the one area of their lives that they tend to overachieve in. But as of late, finding humor within the framework of their intellectual void, is becoming increasingly difficult, as their already fragile grip on collective reality is, on the face of it, crumbling faster than a Kardashian that’s been denied access to their on-call team of plastic surgeons.

Case in point:

have no idea what is going on in the interior of the squeaking hamster wheel that serves as this person’s brain, but I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark, and assume that their being forcibly medicated in the hopefully near future, might not be an entirely bad thing. And as a side observation, I am somewhat curious if the number of persons mentioned in the ”is with” tag, are actually real people, or is this seemingly mentally ill individual just trying to quell the screaming voices within his otherwise empty head?

Sadly, when it comes to flights of rapidly escalating fancy, my obsessively cap-locked friends here, are not alone, as ever increasingly, the GQP finds itself serving as a cravenly catch-all for whom the term “conspiracy nut” was so diplomatically crafted.

Granted, these simplistic sheeple would most likely prefer that we use the term “Truth Seekers” instead, but to be fair, if I were to describe myself to others in the way that I would favor, I’m pretty sure I’d tend to go with the descriptive of “Milla Jovovich’s side-squeeze”, every chance I got.

Nevertheless, my interest in being the boy-toy of Resident Evil’s bad-ass bitch aside, it’s still far less insane than some of the more… let’s just say, “unique” theorems that this mob of muttonheads have come up with, such as these gems, courtesy of a woman who I feel should come with her own warning label, if not a lifetime supply of Clozapine:

Far be it from me to look a gift horse in the mouth, but as far as unexpected presents go, this one delivered straight from the hands of the Writing Gods above, is more reward than I deserve. I’m not sure which divine literary deity decreed that I should be the recipient of this cornucopia of warped character, but I swear upon the ghost of Kurt Vonnegut himself, that I’ll do my humble best to milk it, as if I were Melania Trump at a Rothschild family reunion.

However, never let it be said, or even implied, that when it comes to unhinged bon mots, that the GQP doesn’t take its responsibilities seriously. That’s the best part about the functionally insane- to them, the act of serving up slices of cray-cray souffle such as these are commonplace, but to a writer like myself, they sparkle as if they were diamonds glued to a disco ball.Seriously. How could I not appreciate lunacy such as this? It has everything: clones, CGI avatars, crisis actors, and best of all, a plot lifted straight out of 2013’s “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”, wherein the “real” President of the United States, is replaced by a double, who’s allied with the terrorist organization known as COBRA. On his best day, even J.J Abrams couldn’t come up with a plot line as stupid as this, and keep in mind, he’s the guy who co-wrote the screenplay for Armageddon, starring Ben Affleck.

What’s even more bizarre, is how Storbeck mutated the “shot” that Trump referenced in relation to Biden, as it never once suggested the theory that Biden had been replaced with a lookalike, but instead, Trump’s groundless and wholly crass accusation that doctors had given Biden, and this, according to the mango-tinted poster boy for Adderall, a “big fat shot in the a**.”, to increase his energy, not end his life.

But hey… I guess for some people, context is really hard when all those crayons you shoved up your nose in kindergarten, still haven’t been removed. Amazingly though, this isn’t even the best stop on the way to conservative Crazytown, because believe it or not, there’s another posting by Storbeck that actually manages to turn the volume of its own insanity up one more notch to eleven, the Holy Grail of sound so brilliantly achieved by the lead guitarist of Spinal Tap, the incomparable Nigel Tufnel.

Normally, I wouldn’t bring out the main act before the opening band, but this wackadoo warble, may just be the lone exception to that rule. I mean… if I have Freddie Mercury cooling his heels backstage, why on Earth would I make anyone suffer through an hour-and-a-half of Smashmouth, just to hear the only two good songs that they ever made? Those are of course, “”Walkin’ on the Sun”, and their banging cover of the Monkees. “I’m a Believer”.

Yeah, I said it. Come at me, “All-Star” devotees. I dare ya’

One of the beautiful things about narratives such as the one I’m about to present to the world entire on Storbeck’s behalf, is just how multifaceted they can be. On the one hand, they’re nuttier than Gary Busey mainlining Red Bull, and on the other, more pathetic than Ted Cruz desperately attempting to cosplay as both a man and as a human being.

Sure, the end result of watching such, is always the joy of knowing that he’s quite bad at it, but isn’t it just a little bit sad, that nobody ever tells him to stop, even if it’s only out of pity?  However, I don’t pity mouth-breathers like Storbeck, because this kind of irrational conceptualization has less to do with being led astray by others, and far more to do with willfully going down the rabbit hole, because you find Reality far too challenging.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, and lord knows, there’s room to do so, but I’ve yet to hear him spout off about non-terrestrial aliens in public. And keep in mind this is the same guy who once told the American people that windmill noise causes cancer, and then went on to later inform a crowd of reporters that; “Women are tied up, they’re bound, duct tape put around their faces, around their mouths, in many cases, they can’t even breathe. They’re put in the backs of cars or vans or trucks.”

So, if anything, I may have to actually grant him some leeway down the road, in regards to his buffoonery, especially when bulls**t like this, is disseminated as vitally required information:

Wow. Just… wow. Not only does Storbeck believe in the psychosis that every single human being on Earth is the unwitting carrier of extraterrestrial DNA, she also ascribes to the madness that in every city as well, there are dormant squads of people who have been, and I quote; “MKultra’d”, to boot.

For those unfamiliar with this term, it refers to a once-secret human experimentation program that was overseen by the CIA, and which followed in the footsteps of similar programs such Project Bluebird and Project Artichoke. MK Ultra exploited the debatably effective techniques of brainwashing and psychological torture, as well as the use of psychotropic drugs such as LSD, in order to break down mental resistance from individuals who found themselves facing invasive interrogation.

Due to MK Ultra’s far-reaching scope, malevolently masquerading as legitimate scientific research, an unknown number of unsuspecting test subjects found themselves abused, by no less than 80 esteemed institutions, ranging from the expected, such as pharmaceutical companies, to colleges and hospitals, until the program was disbanded without fanfare, sometime around1973.

And ever since it’s existence was made known to the American public in 1975, its been a favorite fallback for both the clinically paranoid, and those who spirt tin-foil condoms. It’s basically the synopsis of the 1977 Charles Bronson movie “Telefon”, but whereas that film dealt with the issue of Russian sleeper agents posing as American citizens, Storbeck goes one better, and substitutes the Harvesters from 1996’s “Independence Day”, but only after suggesting that they’ve gotten it on with humans first.

You know, come to think of it… I would watch the f**k out of a movie like that, but I seriously doubt I’d be able to maintain the suspension of disbelief required, in order to do so.

Obviously, I’m kidding, but it’s fairly apparent that Storbeck is not, which leads me to question as to whether her beliefs stem from the seemingly supported contention that she’s possibly mentally ill, or, as the preliminary evidence also suggests, no more than just another f**king idiot, unfortunately blessed with internet access.

Decades from now, when this era in American history is to be discussed by the enlightened few still among us, I for one, hope that the question of just how otherwise rational people willingly turned into the political equivalent of a Manson Family member, will not only have been answered, but used as a prophetic blueprint of sorts, to prevent such a societal abomination from ever happening again.

Don’t get  me wrong, I completely understand the urge to laugh at stupidity ;like this, but I’m also mindful of the damage that it can inflict if left unimpeded as well. Remember, not only are these people allowed to drive, breed, and openly handle guns and sharp stabby things without adult supervision, they can also vote, and they do, much to the detriment of this once respected republic.

While that very thought is definitively unsettling, independent of itself, is the knowledge that their paranoic worldview isn’t just limited to the world of politics, but to all the aspects connected to it, be they cultural, societal, or ethical. Is downright terrifying. As the late Canadian writer Jane Rule once so accurately noted; “Morality is a test of our conformity rather than our integrity.”, and nobody proves this assertion better than your modern-day conservative.

Take this example for instance, wherein my town’s resident Cafeteria Christian, Ruth Darlene Seawolf, sets us all straight regarding an issue that I can only assume is an affront to the voices in her head alone, as I’ve never heard anyone else ever complain about it:

So, what apparently unchecked social crisis is currently occurring, that has Seawolf clutching her faux pearls online? Well, shockingly for a so-called Christian, it’s not the issue of homelessness, or of children going hungry, nor is it the rampant racism, economic inequality, misogyny, and homophobia infesting our national fabric, either. What then, could it possibly be?

Well, I’ll just let Seawolf’s re-post speak for itself:

Like most people, I’ve attended my fair share of weddings. But I can also attest, and this without the fear of future contradiction that despite the variance of the nuptials that I’ve been a guest at, I’ve yet to witness one that would qualify as a truly au naturel soiree. In addition, I’ve also never heard anyone applying descriptive to the bride in attendance, as if she were constructed out of foodstuffs, as a rule.

And I say this as someone who’s been to no less than three adult film star weddings. Sure, the scenery was nice, but really, the most memorable thing about all of them, was the truly phenomenal catering. A wedding cake made from individual macrons in three different yet complimentary flavors? That, boys and girls, is how you throw a motherf**king banger.

Now, if you’re a regular reader of mine, you already know who Seawolf is, that being Silver City’s resident canonizer of Christian hypocrisy, but her manufactured outrage vis-à-vis a non-issue that literally has nothing to do with her, takes the metaphorical wedding cake, dos it not? Granted, while her usual whining and disingenuousness is on full display as always, the implication that the groom is the one truly suffering here, is a fresh spin whereas her normal mewling is concerned.

Not to mention, I appreciate her commentary of “Women honor your husband to be and yourself on that day”, whatever the hell that actually means, addressed to whatever allegorical young bride she thinks might actually want the counsel of a middle-aged-one-wang-Willamina-from-Wichita. Nope, that’s not arrogant at all, coming from a woman who almost every day, and that without fail, or any measure of personal introspection manages to embarrass not only her fantastical celestial creator, but herself as well.

As for the statement of “Bridesmaids now dress like street girls”, which is no more than a blatant inference that women who dare dress provocatively are no better than sex workers, I’d point out that both the writer of said comment and the walking Hobby Lobby couch that reposted it, would give up at least two oi their collective chins to be able to wear an outfit that didn’t remind the men in their lives, that they settled far short pf the goalposts.

But as at my core I am a people person, I’d like to be helpful, and point out to Seawolf that if she ever does ever does receive an invite to a strangers wedding, there’s two places where she can stay for free- that being, in her own lane, and out of other people’s business.

Regardless of their hypocrisy, however, morality is one of the most prominent hills that conservatives just love to die on, despite their ongoing support for a dipped in dime store bronzer adulterous demagogue, who’s thrice-married, inherently craven, morally rudderless, and if any of his own self-uttered statements are to be believed, he may eternally serve as the closest thing the White House has ever had to hosting a sexually deviant freakshow, since the days of Martin Van Buren.

Don’t let that hair and grandfatherly demeanor fool you one bit- a Statesmen in the streets, a swordsman in the sheets, was the ol” Marty, and History,will in time, prove me right.

Concerning this torrid tangent, Conservatives are OBSESSED with sex, and not in the way most of us are. I may be the only one who thinks this, and I certainly hope that I am not, but does it strike strange to anyone else that people who claim to be straighter than a Mormon yardstick, spend so much time focusing on the genitalia and gender identity of those they claim they’d rather not share the planet with.

Comedian Michelle Wolf in her Netflix special “Joke Show”, once quipped; “Like, I thought I liked dick, and then I heard a gay guy talk about it, and I was like, “Oh, no, I think it’s just okay.” Gay guys talk about dick the way men wished women talked about dick. Straight men, if you want someone to love your dick, be gay! Gay guys talk about dick the way kids talk about Christmas. They’re like, “Is it here yet? Can I open it?” Women, we talk about dick the way Jews talk about Christmas.”

I’m not going to draw any conclusions here, but I would suggest that if you’re supposedly a straight arrow who spends the majority of your free time ruminating about gay sex or gender reassignment surgery, more than the people actually engaging in it, the time has arrived for you to reevaluate some concepts about yourself, stop hiding behind the Christmas gifts being storied in the back of your symbolic closet, and embrace your truth at last. 

While truth at best depends on not just your perspective, but your experience as well, the fact that conservatives tend to think about dick (or the lack thereof) very much in the same way that I reflect upon what Angeline Jolie would look like modeling a bikini made out of Cool Whip, does open the metaphorical doors of conversation as to just why they feel the need to do so in the first place.

I’ve covered this topic previously (LGBTQ-phobia that is, not Cool Whip based fashion) in relation to the putrid personage that is prior Artbitch honoree Richard “Ricardo” Leyba, whose two main talking points bounce back and forth between his personal disgust at the thought of American children learning actual history, and his unwarranted fear of transsexuals.

But as it is with all things that the alt-right refuses to understand, claiming the victim is really the predator, as they continue to turn a blind eye to the actual ones, is a key deflection tactic.

Proof of this concept, courtesy of said Ricky Retardo, to whom I could point out, that the ratio of heterosexual to homosexual pedophiles has been calculated to be approximately 11:1, but considering his totally not weird at all obsession with this particular  topic, I’d be better off suggesting that he should probably just move in with a rough trick named Scott, and call it a day:

This advice, coming from a person who will rant about Gays & Transpeople at the drop of a hat, but I digress.

I don’t know exactly where Richard went to grade school, but that place sounds lit as f**k. I’m starting to think that most of his anger comes from the fact that when it came to his sexual education classes, his teachers gently let him in on the fact that he wasn’t attractive to either gender, and that in order to cope with this reality, he should probably develop an all-consuming hobby of some sort. Obviously, he followed their advice, but I’m sure they thought he’d become a collector of stamps, rather than one of character flaws.

Oh no! Did somebody accidentally on purpose, forget about Jennifer Williams, the first openly transgender Municipal Chair for the Republican Party in the United States, or Massachusetts House Rep, Althea Garrison, not to mention Republican Town Committee secretary Jordan Evans, as well as former Olympian and loyal Republican Caitlyn Jenner? I guess they did.

If it’s “not about” either sexual discipline Richard, then why is it, that I’ve yet to see you trashing any straight people in regards to inappropriate behavior?

I mean… this is a world in which Comedian Louis C.K, Pixar and Disney Animation chief John Lasseter, movie producer Harvey Weinstein, film director Brett Ratner, as well as actor Jeremy Piven, have all been accused of inapt misconduct, yet you never utter a peep when it’s one of the normies. Odd, that. I’m sure that’s just a minor oversight, given your need to protect America’s children from those that wouldn’t harm them in the first place.

Speaking only for myself, I honestly don’t believe in the construct of Hell, but if it does actually exist, may I suggest to the High Lord of Darkness, that the appropriate punishment for our anti-humanist here, would be the undergoing of whatever gender-reassignment surgery is required for him to be able to go f**k himself for eternity?

As I’ve been showing for quite some time now, the talking points of conservatives rarely (if ever) come from a position of strength, since most of them are drawn from either ignorance or sheer delusion, and when it comes to the topic of pedophilia, it serves as no more than yet another slur of the moment, wherein they accuse anyone who doesn’t openly swear allegiance to Trump, as being either an advocate for its societal implementation, or a devoted practitioner of such.

Considering that Trump has admitted on tape to being an unabashed sexual predator, conservatives’ claims of others engaging in alleged sexual perversity, ring hollow at best. Nevertheless, when they do attempt to inflict their slander upon the populace, in a pathetic effort to slur their adversaries (be they real or imagined), the resultant self-ownership they’ve given form to, is nothing less than amazing:

I honestly can’t say what I find funnier here- the unfortunate semantics that debatably infer that Trump is a pedophile, or the pride that Morris openly displays in regards to selecting his favorite one. Either/or. It’s a win-win, no matter how you choose to look at it

Now, when the threadbare gambit of mixing two unrelated topics together (homosexuality and pedophilia) fails, as it often does in selling their fever dreams as concrete reality, there’s always their bastardized version of Christianity to use as a cudgel of cowardice, instead:

For context, what Terresa us referring to here, is described in the book of Genesis as the circumstances surrounding the moment when God reveals to Abraham, that the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah are to be destroyed for their grave sins. Abraham pleads not only for the lives of any righteous people living there, but for the lives of his nephew, Lot, and his family as well.

God responds to his bequest by agreeing to spare the cities if 50 righteous people can be found, and then, because he’s such an understanding sociopath, acquiesces to spare them if only 10 righteous people can be found as an alternative.

He then commands two angels, appearing in the form of men, to seek out Lot in Sodom, but they encounter a mob described only as “wicked”, who demand for no specific reason, to have sex with them, despite not taking either one of them out for a night on the town first. In an act of selfless sacrifice, Lot instead, suggests that the mob RAPE HIS DAUGHTERS as a compromise, thereby leading to his witnessing the smashing of his “Best Dad Ever” coffee mug upon the floor sometime later,

Despite Lot’s colossal failure as a father, hypocritically scripted as the purest of spiritual obedience, the angelic heralds not only blind the now enraged mob, but set forth the proclamation that only Lot and his family qualify as righteous among the populace, they inform Lot to quickly evacuate the city, as a brimstone storm with a chaser of sulfur is a-comin’.

In spite of their issuing a dire warning that that he should not look back, his wife finds herself turned into a pillar of salt when she does, because God along with being a myth, is also the pettiest of bitches.

Speaking of which, your takeaway from Terresa’s ignorant comment above that she considers herself a “good” Christian, albeit a modern-day one, and you would be %100 right.

And how do I know this? Well first, she likes to break the edict of Exodus 20:16 by bearing false witness:Yeah… never mind the human toll of war, such as the abominable number of innocent civilians remorselessly killed by a callous madman, the thing we should all keep an eye on in relation to this illegal invasion, is making sure that the helium leaking out of your head, is channeled directly into your bulls**t conspiracy theory, instead.

Then of course, there’s Terresa’s embrace of internalized misogyny, which is when women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women, and even onto themselves, as seen by the example, wherein she slurs Kamala Harris as a whore, while ignoring the reality that the president whose crassness I’d assume that she pleasures herself to, actually has them on call, because his wife would rather ride a cactus, long before she’d ride him for 30 seconds: 

Let me tell you, there’s no better way to prove that you’re a string woman, than by trying to tear down other women, who unlike you, will actually leave behind a legacy that wasn’t based on just how fast you can shotgun a case of beer. And Terressa? Blowjobs didn’t seem to bug you when your mango-tinted man-child was shelling out 130Kper hummer, but I digress.

As expected, Terresa than pivots, and employs the tried-and-true claim of victimhood, but in this case, adds a disingenuous assertion that the cultural shifts occurring in today’s world aren’t the result of long-held erroneous concepts and stagnant thinking evolving positively, but are instead, the end result of a corrupted society:This false narrative, a favorite consistently echoed by the walking regurgitation parrots that are the GQP base, like most of their inferences, fails to hold water, especially when scrutinized with even the weakest of critical eyes. However, I can never pass up an opportunity to play with my food, so let’s dive in.

first off, the concept of the “traditional” family is no less than archaic these days, given the fact that while society has tried its best to keep up with the ever-evolving face of marriage, conservatives have not, and their attempt to weaponize what was originally a contract based on the premise that women needed to be bound to men as nothing more than acquired property, whose sole purpose was to produce progeny..

This belief, was notated within the Ancient Greece betrothal ceremony, wherein a bride’s father would pass his daughter on to another man, stating as he did so that: “I pledge my daughter for the purpose of producing legitimate offspring.” According to ancient custom, Hebrew men were encouraged to engage in polygamy, while Greek and Roman husbands were expected to acquire concubines, prostitutes, and disturbingly, teenage male paramours, as a rule. You know… like we still do today?

And what was expected of their wives, you ask? Well, it certainly wasn’t an arrangement based on equality, that’s for sure. Essentially, their mission in life was to take care of their house, and satisfy the needs of the three states of mind that all men possess, which my late Oma used to refer to as the “Three H’s”- that being, Happy, Horny, and Hungry.

But yes, let’s not upset that pomegranate cart with actual facts, shall we?

See, what Teressa is really saying here, is not that she’s a fan of what I just described, it’s more that she just can’t abide the reality of the LGBTQ community getting the same protectional benefits of marriage that has always been afforded to the “Straights”, as it were. But look on the bright side, my homophobic hater-;they now also get to lose half their stuff if their marriage falls apart like the rest of us, so hold on to that nugget of bile, whenever you need to warm up your little blackened hear.

However, while some conservatives may also rail about mixed-race marriages in tandem, I won’t paint Terresa with that broad brush, as I’d like to hold onto my optimism that while she’s obviously dumber than a display rack of “Trump 2024 “hats, she’s still smart enough to accept that black people are no longer a piece of property, on the same level that a microwave is currently considered to be.

As for the rest, not wanting to have children nor give up your body autonomy, is not, nor will it ever be, a
“war” on either babies or women. The only persons that I see waging war on those two demographics, are conservatives, who, when not trying to force women to carry the children of their rapists, demand the right to dictate how they live their lives afterward.

Appallingly, the same people screaming “What about the children?!?”, are also the same ones ignoring the alleged sexual crimes of Matt Gaetz, as they carry forward in their attempt to lower the age limitations for, consensual sex and marriage, but I’m certain that Terresa will address that contradictory thornbush at some point, right?

Now to be fair, I’ve had some fun with Terresa’s willful density, but now I’ll top it off with just a smidgen of her hypocrisy, because for not only is it amusing to do so, it’s free, to boot. This is why I love conservatives so damn much- they truly do make mocking them extremely cost-efficient, and for that, I can only offer my sincerest thanks.

If you recall, I started off this facet with Terresa’s posting slurring the LGBTQ community at large, so it would stand to reason that she has a huge issue with their sexual practices, most likely based on her ignorance of the lifestyle and the people who engage in them. Therefore, it would stand to reason that in no way shape, or form, would she ever condone its infliction (as she most certainly sees it) upon another person unwilling to openly experiment with it. Makes sense, does it not?

That is, unless of course it’s enacted against someone she doesn’t like:

Man, Jesus must be so stoked to have this bleached sewer rat on his team, let me tell you. Nothing sates “I’m a good person”, like wishing felonious sexual assault on an individual whose worst transgression was lying about an alleged assault. Not murder. Not rape. Not the abuse of a child. A lie about getting into a racially-based fight. You know, the thing that conservatives do almost every day in some form?

And yet, I don’t see Terresa calling for any of those people to be buggered against their will. For the life of me, I still cannot understand just why modern-day conservatives get tarred and feathered as immature, ignorantly hateful racists, can you? Remember that previous paragraph where I gave Terresa the benefit of the doubt that she wasn’t a bigot?

Yeah, that might have been a tad premature on my part. Seems like I’m gonna have to take that merit badge back ASAP, and replace it with a far more useful dry-cleaning coupon, so that she can keep her collection of white robes spotless, instead. Obviously, I’m joking regarding her wardrobe choices, because when it gets right down to it, how would you clean a white robe that’s actually melded to what used to be your soul?

In regards to Terresa’s declaration that she’s “mad as hell”, and “isn’t going to take it anymore”, I’d opine that her being mad stems less from any actual disagreement, and is based on her being confused by things that are outside her bubble of ignorant influence. Hence the reason why, she’ll be finding herself in the years to come, screeching to a world that doesn’t give a damn what she thinks.

Let’s recap the list of things revealed within this screed, that Republicans have shown that they fear thus far: African-American Supreme Court nominees, non-racist children’s; books, independent women, technology, Hillary Clinton, persons who have been “MKultra’d”, clones, CGI avatars, and of course, crisis actors.

In addition, there’s also the issue of reptilian DNA, immodest brides throwing nude weddings, the LGBTQ community as always, Putin being held accountable for being a warmongering sociopath, an African American woman serving as (Hey! A Theme!) Vice President, non-traditional families, and women making their own choices without asking permission from men first.

Does that about cover it? Good. I always worry about my readers getting lost on their way back to the Lair of Snarkitude, and the last thing I need is for my Lair-owners insurance to go up, just because someone got eaten after finding themselves in front of Cerberus without a box of Milk-Bones, which happens way more than you might think.

Does that about cover it? Good. I always worry about my readers getting lost on their way back to the Lair of Snarkitude, and the last thing I need is for my Lair-owners insurance to go up, just because someone got eaten after finding themselves in front of Cerberus without a box of Milk-Bones, which happens way more than you might think.

Moving forward, the past two years have been a Godsend for those who mainline machinated masturbatory fantasies, along with the people who profit from their manufacture as well. Regardless of the topic being discussed, you can almost certainly guarantee that the conservative cud-chewers who present false narratives as fact, not only have a conspiracy concerning said subject, they’ve got at least two in reserve, just in case it gets debunked.

Popular ones that are still making the rounds state that a worldwide network of ritualistic Satanists along with the global elite, (AKA: “The Deep State” or “The Cabal,”) control not only Hollywood and the entertainment industry at large, but torture and sexually abuse children, for the purpose of drinking their blood in a bid to stay youthful, because as we all know, plastic surgery is so 2015.

According to the spray-paint-huffers who believe this trash, key figures within this shadowy league of influential degenerates allegedly include Tom Hanks, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Pope Francis, the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, England’s Queen Elizabeth, and of course, Hillary Clinton, who somehow, had the energy to run her branch of this pedophile emporium out of the basement of a pizzeria. in Washington D.C.

Love her or hate her, you have to admit, that woman does know how to multitask.

Strangely though, the morons who accept this as gospel, never seem to have any Republicans on their list of Satanic cabalists, even though as of late, the only prominent people I’ve observed being routinely indicted or accused of sexual crimes, tend to be on the conservative side of the fence. I’m sure that’s not a deliberate oversight, so much as it is just lazy bookkeeping.

In fact, after spending months wading through this sewer of the subconscious, I’m starting to think that the main network that propagates this urine masquerading as journalism, known as One America News, or OAN for short, should probably give some serious consideration to changing its (at one point in time) slogan from “Your Source for Credible News”, to this far more accurate representation:

Thanks to these Alt-Right-wingnuts, we’re still hearing about the mass delusion that Trump not only won the 2020 election and is still the president, he’s also secretly preparing a mass arrest of government officials and celebrities responsible for both the Cabal itself, as well as the obviously transparent election fraud that supposedly cost him his right to serve as our Dictator-in Chief.

This act of generosity offered to us all, despite his busy schedule of promoting the “Big Lie”, scamming the users of his failing media platform Truth Social, and holding ego-stroking rallies, that are seemingly necessary to his psychological well-being, as he can’t sustain an election anymore without the support of either Russia, or the Republicans they’ve purchased.

Begrudgingly though, I must give credit where credit is due. Whereas intellectuals manage to stay on topic, (as that’s where the facts are to be found) the disciples of Conspiritualism can, without so much as a moment’s notice, ricochet off reality, and find themselves on an unrelated tangent that’s just as equally insane, and sometimes, unintentionally adorable in its childlike acceptance of that which is nonsensical:

Not gonna lie here, this actually made me smile, for it reminds me of a far simpler time, when the stupidest things that I thought I’d ever have to deal with over a Home for the Holidays dinner, were theorem presented by my honorary Uncle Sal, who would openly ponder the possibility that the Loch Ness Monster still swimming around, was as real as a Yeti walking without care in the Himalayas, and that JFK and Marilyn Monroe were still alive, and living under assumed names in, [wait for it…\ Rhode Island.

However, the legendary classic that I still recall with great fondness, was his insistence that one day, the “truth” would “come out” about Ringo Starr being the Beatle that actually died prior to the release of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, and not Paul, as the myth states, claiming all the evidence to prove his case, could be found after several sessions of listening to George Harrison’s third studio album, “All Things Must Pass”. Personally, I have no idea if any of this is true, but I will say this: ”What is Life” is still one of the best songs ever recorded, and rest assured, I will fight you over this.

Getting back on track, while I have no idea who this James Gilliland is, the range of topics that he apparently covers, is truly a marathon of mental meandering on par with my honorary Uncle Sal’s dissertation on just how JFK faked his own death with the help of Richard Nixon, and settled down with the one woman that truly brought him joy in the end. Admit it. Not only would this plot make one hell of a thriller, it would easily qualify as the best Rom-com ever made.

As a writer of some self-referential note, I’ve always taken care to construct narratives with a definable beginning, middle, and end, but this hodgepodge of hilarity, may be worthy of all the praise that I can throw it. Sure, it’s got the standard hits, that being the alleged moon landing, the Deep State, Aliens, and everybody’s favorite waking plush-y, Bigfoot, but the addition of Elves, inner Earth, and crop circles?

That, boys and girls, is pure freaking psychotic genius. Disturbingly, a very large part of me is now exceedingly curious as to what “other good info” was addressed in the show, but for whatever reason, was left on the cutting room floor of Kimberly’s meme factory. Believe me now, as for once I’m not being sarcastic, the very idea of elfin women who all look like Liv Tyler with her hair combed out just walking around, is very appealing to me, for a variety of reasons.

Sadly though, I have to leave this cotton-candy-brained intellectual whose disconnection from the world of the real is more amusing than venomous, and return to the sphere where it’s widely accepted that QAnon is akin to what would occur if Scientology specifically recruited hillbillies to join its cause.  

Why do I make this observation, you may ask?

Well, when you witness a widely diverse group of people openly admitting to believing in the existence of angels, the story of Noah’s Ark, alien abduction, chemtrails, mind-controlled sleeper agents lying in wait for their marching orders, cloned world leaders, lizard-human hybrids, and that there needs to be a remake of “Highlander” starring Steve Buscemi as Connor MacLeod, with Danny DeVito taking over the role of Juan Sanchez from the late Sean Connery, but place no faith in the value of science, medicine, or education, some negative associations are going to be made.

At the moment, we all live in an age where the repository of the world’s information entire, is literally at our fingertips, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and yet, this may possibly be the dumbest generation of Americans this country has ever produced, outside of the one that truly thought.”50 Shades of Grey” was an accurate description of both romance, and the BDSM community as it currently exists.

To kick it off, we’ll start with a person who’s gone well out of her way, to make sure that not only will her social engagement calendar be wide open, but her Facebook friends list as well:Man, does this photo have it all. The declaration that being asked to take the merest of precautions to ensure that her fellow citizens don’t get sick, is nothing less than pure “tyranny”, as she puts forth the narrative claim that it was being forced upon us as a whole, which is, and remains, patently untrue. In essences, this woman is a perfect walking example of what happens when the baselessly entitled find themselves requested to think of other people for a change.

However, I will give props to this anti-vaxxers hand-lettering skills, because that poster board displaying her ignorance, is tighter than a group of Republicans defending the January Sixth insurrection. Never mind the fact the message it contains is coming from a person whose political party wants women to have no say over their own bodies, and also believes that rapists who impregnate said women, should not only be awarded full parental rights, but also that the women they sexually assaulted, be forced to carry the baby they did not ask for, to full-term delivery.

But my favorite part of this image, just so happens to be her sporting a “Jesus Loves You” shirt, which succinctly underscores her inherent hypocrisy, for as God commanded via Philippians 2:4; “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” which seemingly, she didn’t get the gist of. Remember when God had warrior he could brag about?

Yeah… I’m pretty sure God misses those days too.

It seems that the issue of the “Scamdemic” as the red-hatted Vanilla Vanguard likes to call it, has become not only a rallying point among the lowest ilk of the conservative movement, it also serves as a launchpad of sorts for their missiles of martyrdom, regarding everything from getting vaccinated, to (GASP!) the unconstitutional indignity of being asked to wear a mask for five minutes, as they waddle through a Walmart.

Comparisons made concerning these requests, from persons who, deep in their hearts, still believe that Claudius Ptolemy got it right, range from slurring doctors as everything from NAZI’s to murderers, as they openly bleat about others who choose to follow common sense protocols, as being no more than mindless “sheep”.

An opinion that they fomented, as I’m more than happy to point out, not from listening to actual scientists, but from a failed Reality Tv show host instead, who once not only declared that that windmill noise causes cancer, but informed the world entire in regards to a devastating storm ripping through Puerto Rico, that it was, and I quote;  “wet ‘from the standpoint of water’, concluding his remarks with the stunning revelation that Puerto Rico was also; “an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water,”

This of course was a necessary distinction, so as not to confuse Puerto Rico with either the Virgin Islands, surrounded by co-eds from Brigham Young University, or Christmas Island, which as we all know, is encircled by egg nog. I may get some well-deserved flak for this, but I dare say that none of these people are going to be extended the graciousness of an invite to join MENSA, anytime soon.

But perhaps I spoke too soon, as there are a few knuckle-draggers among these anti-vaxxing troglodytes that appear far brighter than most of their contemporaries. Take for instance, this ever so credible advice suggested by part-tome armchair virologist, and full-time internet lawyer, “Wood George”:

Um… “Wood”? That’s not how that works. That’s not how anything works. In fact, for your supposition to make any sense, I in theory, would be able to sue Cadbury for their crème-filled eggs giving me Type 1 Diabetes, because mythical God knows, as a kid, I used to wolf those things down three at a time, and I never saw a warning label of any kind, telling me not to do so.  

I could also point out the mortality rate being so high can be directly traced back to an incompetent Oompa-Loompa not taking the virus seriously, going against the advice of his scientific advisors, firing the in-place pandemic team, and leaving behind no plan for nationwide vaccine distribution, but why tax your intellect with actual facts?

Shockingly, Facebook is a PRIVATE company, therefore, as their publicly accessible rules clearly state, they can regulate the type of content allowed on their platform, regardless of what information its users decide to post. That’s why you can’t upload nudity, promote acts of extreme violence, sell weapons, call for someone to be threatened or “doxed”, and the like. If this offends you, feel free to take your patronage over to Truth Social permanently, as you tell the founder of Facebook, to cordially go and Zuck himself.

However, since Trump’s rapidly failing cash-grab is still working out its scores of soft-launch Beta bugs, I can only wish you the best of luck, as you’re going to need it. Mostly to keep the app from crashing, or so I’ve heard.

And as for FB removing the “cure” from the sight of its users, exactly which one are you specifically talking about? Could it be Chloroquine Phosphate, which can lead to lethal heart complications? Or perhaps you’re referring to ingesting Quercetin, Zinc, or Vitamin D, instead? Nah, you strike me as the kind of guy that thinks that Ivermectin (a medicine that curtails parasites in animals) is the way to go, despite the number of people hospitalized after taking a formulation designed for horses, rather than humans.

Call me crazy, but if I’m gonna take a drug to cure or limit a disease, I’m going to choose the one that can’t be located at a tack store, or requires the intervention of an equine specialist in order to acquire its prescription.

Wood’s paranoia is quite the common denominator among the ignorant conscienti of the anti-vaxx cabal, but previous Artbitch honoree Ken Cykala here, kicks it up a notch, by suggesting a plot twist straight out of a John le Carré novel. That is, if John le Carré was channeling Alex Jones on a drunken bender:

I’m actually kind of proud of Cykala here for once, as his postings normally involve blatant racism, false crime statistics, and selectively skewed cherry-picking of verified data, so seeing him willfully donning a tin-foil suit to be just one of the guys, is quite the refreshing change, given his penchant for mental mediocrity.

Who knows? There might just be some hope for him yet… but only if he can find a way to keep the CIA from reading his so-called thoughts, if only so that he can more effectively deal with the black helicopters that track his movements. Take my advice here Ken, for I know what I speak of, no matter how much it may tell you that everything is cool between you, never ever trust your toaster. He’s an informant.

Sticking with delusional suggestions regarding COVID and its variants, here’s one from a while back, and when I say “back”, I’m referring to the year of 1963, because apparently, not only is ignorance timeless, it also seems to have acquired the use of a TARDIS as well:

You read that right, kids. A sci-fi film, released sometime during the Kennedy era, directed by Ugo Gregoretti, and starring the incomparable talents of Renato Salvatori, Rosemary Dexter, Franco Luzzi, and Gaetano Quartararo. has, and I quote; “obvious political and societal subtexts”, for no other reason than the random quirk that its moniker is identical to that of an infectious variant borne from a virus.

Despite the somewhat irrelevant detail that no one remembers this film, or has ever even heard of it in the first place, I remain thoroughly convinced that there just may be something to this theory, given all the similarities twixt the two,

To start, while the plot revolves around an invisible alien (not a virus) that takes over the body of a dead factory worker, in an attempt to conquer the earth, it’s almost akin to what COVID is currently doing, just without all that messy character development, cohesive narrative, and series of logically based conclusions that distinguishes it from the fantasy that plays 24/7 inside Leyba’s vacuously empty head.

Lastly, the name “Omicron”, which represents the 15’th letter in the Greek alphabet, was chosen by the World Health Organization, who began designating COVID’s variants with Greek letters as part of a failed public relations campaign, in order to avoid widespread confusion among simpletons like Leyba, who almost immediately, misinterpreted it as nothing less than a Deep State plot.

The presenting of somewhat labyrinthine intrigues, seems to be a recurring theme whereas Leyba’s POV is concerned, and it should really come as no surprise to anyone who reads the transcripts of his humanistic de-evolution in progress, that most of his conceptual formulation takes its cues from a mélange of media, far better suited for an individual whose walls are more likely to be covered over with post-it notes and link charts drawing unrelated parallels, rather than by well-stocked bookshelves.

In Leyba’s ever-increasingly fearful world, everything is connected, everything is subversive, and there’s no such thing as an improbable conspiracy, regardless of what certainty and sanity may suggest:

In the world that once was, prior to the conservative movement willingly turning into slack-jawed sociopaths that is, I would not to have point out that movies are not, as a rule, a flawless mirror of reflected reality. And if I were to take my societal prompts from such a motivational source, I can guarantee you beyond a shadow of any doubt, that a zombie film would never be my primary source for medical advice.

This opinion by the way, is largely dependent on the fact that unlike Leyba, I actually happen to be a fully functioning adult. Trust me. It’s as much of a curse in this day and age, as you might think.

After all, it’s one thing to falsely suggest that a vaccine is untested, poses an extreme risk, or believe that it’s being unlawfully forced upon the disinclined, but when your best argument against it is to reference the walking dead, you’ve failed far harder than those normally decimated by the parameters of Godwin’s Law.

But what are we as a society supposed to think, and more importantly do, with a swath of the populace who not only believes in illogical premises, such as the asinine Omicron fable Leyba presented, but truly ascribes faith to the narrative that the pandemic was a plan set in motion over twenty years ago?

Unfortunately for Leyba, his reposted meme purporting that it shows an image of a mural created in 1994 for the Denver International Airport, is in actuality, a cropped image of a painting by Philippine artist CJ Trinadad, titled “Maskcommunication.”, that has absolutely no connection whatsoever with the airport’s pubic art program,

Adding further insult to already injurious idiocy, in a March 2020 photo that was uploaded to social media by the artist himself, Trinidad is shown posing with said painting, in opposition to Leyba’s false assertion, thereby reaffirming my suspicion that I know exactly which kid in Leyba’s pre-school class was the one who sat in the corner and ate paste:

And just how long did it take me to discover the definable truth behind this cherry-picked story that Ricky Retardo here, most certainly overlooked accidentally on purpose ? Well, would you believe:

I tell you, the blood, sweat, tears, and milliseconds that these people make put into my literary work, is inhuman. Absolutely inhuman. I honestly don’t know where I get the stamina. Oh wait, I totally do, After all, laughter is the best medicine.

But Time, as the saying goes, waits for no man or Artbitch for that matter, so let’s move on to a prime example of just why proper phrasing is so important when you’re expressing your personal cray-cray online o those you wish to impress with your sage observations:

Is anyone else a tad bit confused here? Does a vaccine exist that independently, and of its own accord, seeks out communists to kill as if it were John Wick, or, does it only kill communists when given as a shot? I have so many questions regarding this, let me tell you, Nevertheless, I tend to think that either way, Walter would find either scenario pleasing, being the patriotic American he assumes himself to be, but his warning to the unnamed “they”, tells me different.

Like Cykala, Walter is also a past graduate of the Artbitch scratching post master class, and much as I said about Ken, I’m kind of glad to see him expand his horizons past his normal cesspool of anti-LGBTQ slurs, rants about socialism, and his paranoiac concern that one day in the near future, illegal aliens are going to kick him down his basement stairs, and lock him away with nothing but a rubber ball and a copy of True Grit on VHS, to keep him entertained.

Perceptibly, that last part is an obvious joke, as it’s fairly clear from Walter’s past statements as well as this one, that if he can’t figure out how to open a science book to understand how vaccines actually work, the odds are also pretty good that he doesn’t probably know how to use a VCR, either. In regards to his cryptic warning to the agents of “they”, all I will say is this: “I” would love to see “you” break out “your” camo and ammo to take on a heavily armed force that out-guns, out-thinks, and outnumbers you.

As far as the last stands of the desperately dense go, I’m sure that when Walter’s eventual failure based on nothing save unfounded delusion is recalled for future generations, and that, most likely through the art of interpretative dance, it will be treated with the same respect accorded to capitol rioter Ashli Babbit, when she unsuccessfully tried to deflect a cop’s bullet, using only her Chinese-made Trump hat.

The collective fantasy that conservatives have as being either heroic heralds of the Truth, or as protectors of the sacred realm are on one level, adorable, and on another, quite terrifying, given their consistent detachment from both reality, if not sanity. As I noted earlier, conservatives live in an “ever-increasingly fearful” world of their own making, where “everything is connected, everything is subversive, and there’s no such thing as an improbable conspiracy”.

In addition, it’s also a world that not uncoincidentally, is purposefully devoid of facts:

Oh look… it’s a laundry list of blanket statements, with absolutely no proof of concept to back it up. I didn’t see that coming at all, did you? Seriously. How could I ever manage to defeat or hope to counter such a devastatingly intellectual argument whose entire premise is seemingly based on the grade-school taunt of “I know you are, but what am I?” I humbly submit, that we use the one thing that conservatives fear more than Superman fears a Kryptonite condom, that being facts, based on quantifiable evidence.

Starting us off, let’s call attention to the fact that the woman represented within the meme, looks like a 40’s pin-up sex doll, which to be fair, is allegedly what most conservative men want in a life partner: pretty, vapid-looking, and with a mouth where things of all shapes and sizes are allowed to go in without question, minus the hassle of independent thoughts tumbling out.

While its banner states that, “Liberalism is all about Control!”, I’d like to remind all who read this, that this declaration comes direct the party that had zero issue with Trump saying; “I have an Article II, where I have to the right to do whatever I want as president”, which other than being patently untrue, is as close to embracing the abomination of fascist rule as this country has ever gotten. In relation to the rest of this deflection presented as austere political commentary, I’ll individually address the hypocrisy of its various talking points, as we go down the list.

“CONTROL YOUR HEALTHCARE”

This warning brought to you, by the very same people demanding that women carry the baby of their rapist, as they attempt to deny them their lawful right to direct their own body autonomy, but I digress.

“CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN SAY”

This chilling portent, courtesy of the political party that authored the “Don’t say Gay” bill in Florida, and is endeavoring to do the same in several other states, but please… tell us more.

“CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN LEARN”

The exclusion of Critical Race Theory, LGBTQ studies, non-Christian faiths, and African-American history by conservative school districts, ring a bell with anyone?

CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN READ”

This message of “Reading is Fundamental”, courtesy of the political party banning books from school libraries, that is, when they’re not using them as kindling for bonfires.

“CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN EAT”

Ok, I get it- Vegans are annoying as f**k, but it’s still the Republicans who think raising the arsenic levels in our water is an ok thing to get behind.

“CONTROL YOUR GUNS”

Um, you do know that’s already in the Constitution, right? Or did you forget the part where it says “well-regulated”? I swear, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson can’t even look at you right now, as you just ignored some of his best work.

“CONTROL YOUR NEWS”

What was it your mango-tinted Mussolini once tweeted? Oh, yes: “With all of the Fake News coming out of NBC and the Networks, at what point is it appropriate to challenge their License? Bad for country!”

I tell you, nobody waxes poetic petulance, any better than this poster child for the candy-assed does, and you can quote me on that. He clarified this tweet into an attempt at adulting sometime later, by reiterating that: “Network news has become so partisan, distorted and fake that licenses must be challenged and, if appropriate, revoked. Not fair to public!”

This of course, only applied to those networks who weren’t kissing his Depends-covered ass, but I’m sure their exclusion was just a coincidence, and not due to their groveling favoritism. Yup. The party so defensive of Free Speech, that they turned a blind eye when their president said, and I quote; “It is frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write”, are certainly the most qualified demographic, whereas making sure that the American people have unencumbered access to the Truth is concerned.

Altruistically, they’ve gone the extra mile for their fellow citizens, by starting up truly unbiased networks, just so we can hear the latest not cherry-picked at all news about how everyone we know, and will ever meet, are nothing less than Satan-worshiping pedophiles, who stole the election right out of Donald Trump’s freakishly small hands. Once again, I’m obviously kidding, as Satan would never hang out with pedophiles, much less conservatives, but then again, I repeat myself.

The concept of the endless battle between Satan and his former employer God, has long served as weaponized propaganda for conservatives, as they’ve tried *and failed) to establish themselves as the sole arbitrators of all that is moral despite their inherent hypocrisy, but now, they’ve taken their high horse on the road, and applied their penchant for spiritual disingenuousness, to of all things, the issue of public health:

Yes, you did read that right. Science, which brought us not only space travel, the promise of solar energy, global communication, pest-resistant crops, the Internet, indoor plumbing, electrical infrastructure, and most importantly, chocolate-covered Twinkies, is now considered “Demonic” by persons who openly believe in Angels and Ghosts, but not the practical benefits of Virology.

Now, I could easily point out to Cykala the evidence contained within the Bible, specifically Matthew 9:12 (KJV), which says; “But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick”, as evidence that God was pretty cool with the world of medicine and its practitioners,, but why do that, when it’s clearly apparent that he’s never cracked open the copy he claims to be inspired by, and wouldn’t understand if he did?

Amusingly, Cykala seemingly has no comprehension of optics when it comes to certain posts of his, a fact that I’ve made light of in earlier screeds that detail some of his more asinine takes in regards to politics, social issues, and American culture, but this one still qualifies far and beyond, as one of my all-time favorites:  

For those of you who may be fans of the “Harry Potter” movie franchise, the term “pureblood is familiar, as it refers to an individual or family whose lineage contains non-magical blood.

Although the term ‘pureblood” does not appear in any of the books, being substituted with the less complementary designation of “Muggle” instead. However, it is prevalent within the films themselves, but I’m sure that’s not what Ken was actually referring to, as a series of books that presents diversity and tolerance, doesn’t strike me as his bag, given his past history of online bigotry,

No, the true inference here for Ken and others of hs ilk within the moronic mass that is the anti-vaxx movement, likens being inoculated to an act of bioterrorism, wherein their previously “pure” blood is tainted beyond all restorative redemption. In that sense, it’s just like their so-called souls, except in this case, the degradation only applies to their intellect.

Regardless, the act of claiming that one possesses the purest of blood, is nothing new, nor is it that far removed from the current day, either. In fact, if we look back just a mere eight decades ago, there was another large political party, akin to today’s conservative movement, that shared many of the same values: national pride, slavish faith in an authoritarian demagogue, hypocritical self-righteousness, and obsessively fearful regarding cultures and persons that they felt were inferior to them.

And all of this, was personified in the carefully crafted visage of a strong, charismatically dynamic leader, who led his country to the heights of glory, before eventually dropping it into a hellish pit, ironically filled with the pureblood of his people. Now, I know you think I’m going to draw a parallel here between Trump and whoever this guy was, but I’m not, as it would be patently unfair.

One of them by all accounts, was a steadfast former soldier wounded in battle, who then went on to lift his country out of the ashes of a humiliating defeat, only to start the cycle anew, after (thankfully) failing in his sociopathic attempt to eradicate the Jewish people off the face of the earth. And the other, is a draft-dodging craven adulterer, who wishes he had been half as authoritarian as his fascist counterpart once was.

GOP strategist Steve Schmidt, once noted that; Trump’s “only affinity for reading anything were the Adolf Hitler speeches he kept on his nightstand”, and whether the GQP wants to admit or not, at this point, if their base started walking around modeling the uniform of the Einsatzgruppen, nobody would bat an eye, and Tucker Carlson would most likely, compliment them for their bold sense of fashion.

Think I’m being a tad bit hyperbolic? Well, let’s take a gander at this heroic portrayal of Donald Trump wherein right off the bat, it sets the tone that not only is this is a man of determined action and noble integrity, he’s truly representational of our American values, as well:What poise. What class, What strength of character. What a steaming pile of propaganda f**kery this is, and I meant that with respect. Other than possessing a physique that even the finest plastic surgeons in the world couldn’t hope to sculpt, the rolling-up of his sleeves suggesting that he’s more tha willing to get his hands dirty as he does the work required to make us “Great” again, is literally the best part of this unintentional punchline presented as partisan theatre.

Seriously. Does anyone outside of his mewling MAGAts mob, truly have confidence in his capacity for efficaciously undertaking manual labor?  Keep in mind, this is a man who had no less than 20+ fireplaces that he could have accessed to dispose of those documents that he didn’t want brought to light, but as an alternative, he formulated the command decision that ripping them up, and flushing them down the toilet instead, was the way to go.

When Trump’s wet dream is compared to this vintage political poster, centering on the strongman whose speechifying Trump allegedly admires so much, you’ll note that he in a very similar fashion, also knows how to use the symbolism of a flag as a rallying point, which is why Trump decided to try and cosplay him for real:

Man, the role models these people choose to emulate and philosophically align themselves with, huh? It’s almost enough to give one a moment of serious pause in regards to the contemplation of the celestial creators alleged master plan. Speaking of mythical gods, does anybody else find it strange, that despite supposedly having Jesus on their side, conservatives have an almost pathological need to amplify their straw strongmen as the ultimate last word in Ubermensch?

This paradox aside, I’d like to point out that while it’s relatively easy to equate the bad guys from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, to today’s GQP, there are some key differences to be sure, as you’d expect. The ungodly atrocities of the NAZI regime in relation to its doctors performing abominable medical experiments upon the unwilling, the infirm, and the imprisoned, directly led to the formulation of the Nuremberg Code in August of 1947, as a consequential warning that hopefully, will never require enaction.

Despite their prominence, conservatives somehow missed its intent during the high school History class discussion they slept through, and are now (ironically) mutilating the Code into what it was never intended to be, in order to rationalize their demonization of modern-day vaccines.

And as you’ve come to expect, there’s a meme (or two) for that:

Boy, sucks to be this person. But the question of why this post was labeled false must be asked, if only to settle my own curiosity, and fortunately, Facebook does tell us why this assertion found itself tagged:

As a public service for those of you unfamiliar with the intended purpose of the Code in relation to the practice of sound medical ethics, it dictates ten key factors in regards to medical experimentation involving human test subjects, and they are as follows:

(1) The voluntary consent of the subject is unconditionally essential.

(2) The end goal of the experiment should be undertaken for the good of society, and only if the desired benefit is unprocurable by other methods, and its implementation must not be random, or unnecessary in nature.

(3) The experiment should be based on the results of prior animal experimentation and knowledge of the issue under study, so that the projected outcome will justify the necessity of said experiment.(4) The experiment should be composed in a manner designed to avoid all unnecessary injuries, be they physical or psychological.

(5) No experiment should be conducted where there is an expectation that be death or disabling injury will transpire, save for those experiments where the physicians involved willingly serve as subjects themselves.

(6) The degree of risk to be taken should never exceed that determined by the humanitarian importance of the problem to be solved by the experiment.

 (7) Proper preparations should be made and adequate facilities provided, to shield the investigational subject against even remote possibilities of injury, disability, or death.

(8) The experiment should be conducted only by scientifically qualified persons, imparting a high degree of both aptitude and care. throughout all stages of the experiment.

(9) Regardless of the stage of said experiment, the subject retains the right to end their participation if they have reached their physical or mental limit.

(10) It is imperative that if at any point, the scientist in charge comes to believe that continuing with the experiment may imminently result in the injury or death of the test subject, they must in good faith, be prepared to terminate the experiment.

Seems pretty cut and dried, does it not?

And no matter how you wish to interpret these standards, nowhere within, does any of it apply to vaccines, or the act of vaccination, both of which require VOLUNTARY participation. Despite the fear-mongering bonfires being currently stoked by the GQP, no one in America at least, is being forced against their will to be vaccinated. If your job demands that you get vaccinated for the collective safety of your co-workers or clients or face dismissal, you can still quit, and walk away.

That’s not “being forced”, that’s just Capitalism in action. If my memory serves me correctly, conservatives have a saying that they’re quite fond of condescending tossing out whenever they hear an overworked and underappreciated employee, complaining about wanting either a living wage or improved workplace conditions; “You can always get another job”. In retrospect, that’s a valid point, So maybe, just maybe, they should follow their own unsolicited advice for once, get that new job, and then just shut the f**k up, so the rest of us can have a blissful moment of peace and whining-free quiet.

That’s a nice thought, isn’t it? To go one full day, heck, one full hour, without hearing the ill-informed babbling of some YouTube Constitutional scholar condescendingly telling us all about what the clearly defined statutes intended to say, versus what they actually do? Case in point, this declaration warning Police, Schools, or “any” Governmental / Health entity that coerced or forced vaccinations violate the Code, and therefore, are liable to being prosecuted as “War Crimes”:

This is both hilariously wrong, and metaphorically correct. While forcing someone against their will to undergo a medical regimen is indeed, a violation of their Human Rights, no one in America has been subjected to any such action in regards to vaccinations, and never will be. In addition, in order for anyone to be prosecuted for violations of the Code, regardless of whether t’s an individual or a collective, there must be an actual war occurring at the time that the violations took place.

For clarity’s sake, let me just call attention to the reality that just because Conservatives regard everything they don’t understand or appreciate as a war of some sort, it still doesn’t make it so. Vaccinations are voluntary, and being dismissed from a job because you’re scientifically ignorant and/or selfish, doesn’t violate the Code on any level, save for the one that is implied in regards to your interactions with Humanity.

To wit; Police enforce the laws, and have qualified immunity for doing so. in most states. Schools do not vaccinate as part of their chartered duties either, but considering how conservatives regard teachers as everything from pedophiles to radical Leftists intent on radicalizing their children by teaching them science and cultural respect, it’s not that hard to see how that f**ked up idea found itself a comfortable home inside that vacuous void between their ears.

And when it comes to governmental or public health-related agencies, I for one, have never been witness to agents of either, snatching people off of the street and sticking a needle in their arms, but maybe that’s just the nanobots that the CIA slipped into my Apple Jacks this morning, talking.

An interesting question does arise though from reading May’s declarative threat, and it is this: when at the urging of then-President Donald Trump, heavily armed federal law enforcement officers dressed in military-style camouflage, forced protestors in Portland into unmarked vans, without first either identifying themselves or explaining why these persons were being detained, did she ever post anything about that?

Of course not, because if there’s one thing that conservatives truly love, it’s hypocrisy, so long as it’s not their own being called out, that is. So, until such time I hear of a vaccination-related grab and stab, May is more than cordially invited to go and finish that tin-foil-based fashion line she’s been working on since late 2016.

Most certainly, there is more than enough going on in the world today for a perpetual sense of fear to be justified, but it always seems that Conservatives pick the wrong things to be obsessively trepidant over as consistently as I choose the perfect loaf of French bread at Albertsons. Don’t laugh. My bread selection game is strong.

This state of mind that Conservatives wallow in 24/7, is nothing new, and the inclusion of vaccines as a threat to all they cherish, is no more than the latest bogeyman they’ve recently fallen in lust with. As a person who’s spent most of his adult life watching the GQP vacillate between playing both aggressive victimizer and undeserved victim, none of this vindictive vitriol shocks me any longer

But it is a refreshing change of pace, to see them adding new nemeses.to a classic gambit, wherein they deal from the bottom of the deck, shifting responsibility for the carnage they cause due to their ignorant selfishness, onto those others who are doing everything they can, to save these jackasses from no less than themselves. But that’s their special skillset- when in doubt, just subcontract the blame out:

Yup. If there’s any better person to talk about the injustice of “Vaxed Privilege“, (whatever the f**k that is) adversely affecting the GQP’s base of mayonnaise messiahs, it’s most definitely our resident Captain of the Vanilla Vanguard and perpetual poster boy for White Aryan Privilege, Mr. Ken Cykala.

Oddly, while Cykala has expressed grave concerns in the past about the damage African-Americans do when they’re allowed to think that they have the same constitutional rights as him, he sees no issue whatsoever with freely allowing possibly infected people to risk making his fellow Americans sick, if it gets in the way of acquiring their daily dose of curly fries at Chick-fil-A.

Well, not all Americans of course. Just the ones who are slightly darker than him, and who aren’t regulars at one of his lit-by-torches book club meetings that for some reason, are usually held on a stranger’s front lawn at three o’clock in the morning.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding. None of us, even for a second, would ever seriously believe that this bloviating bigot can actually read, much less be entrusted to oversee an open flame, regardless of whether it’s a cookout, or a “get out of our neighborhood” soiree.

All jokes based on credible evidence provided by Cykala himself aside, let’s remember who Cykala really is in my opinion, shall we? A pathetically paranoid shell of a human being, who, with no due respect, sees false-flag operations everywhere he looks, and treats the truth of things very much in the same way that Tommy Wiseau treats film-making, as this delusional posting of his easily proves:

Absurd, isn’t it, how Cykala truly believes, that the very same Government who can’t win the “War” on education, poverty, drugs, and if you trust FOX news, Christmas- somehow would be able to pull this fascist action off without so much as a hiccup?

 But then again, since he also puts full stock in the fictions that the 2020 election was “stolen”, that the pandemic was a scam ,and that African-Americans murder Whites at a rate of, [and I swear to God he once posted this] 81%, maybe I should cut him some slack for his stereotypical display of dumbf**kery..

I know I’ve made a lot of jokes regarding the depth of Cykala’s density in the past, but as time goes on, I’m starting to become more confident in my belief that if it ever were requested of him to undergo a blood test, he’d probably ask for the time off to study for it. Fortunately for Cykala though, he won’t be alone in regards to his continuing effort to willingly humiliate himself online, as travel buddies seemingly abound within the asylum that is the Conservative universe:

We’ve all heard the phrase that “Misery loves company, but I always assumed it was referring to the social status of the clinically depressed, rather than the intellect of the wretchedly paranoid. After all, it’s one thing to label a company “woke”, due to the fact that it seems to care not only about the planet, but the people living on it as well, but to apply that same cynicism to a non-sentient convenience of modern society, is quite literally, nothing short of insane.

Granted, while this is a classic example of Conservative distrust thinly masquerading as political commentary, it is most definitely on brand for someone who deep down, considers this dystopian outcome a definitive certainty in the near future. For the record, private companies such as Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and YouTube are not subject to the First Amendment, and never have been, nor will they ever be.

So, f**k your feelings, and get over it, you candy-assed pu**ies.

As you might expect the conservative movement tends to ignore this fact, yet still carries their false cause banner as if it didn’t exist. In their incredibly insular world, all roads lead to cabals, all persons are suspect, and nothing, including formerly loyal household appliances, can be trusted with any degree of certitude:

At first glance, the one thing that jumped out at me, other than the sheer absurdity of this metaphorical scenario that is, was the assertion that the supposed anti-gay slur isn’t the problem, it’s the apparently woke fridge’s logical reaction to it. I can’t believe that I even have to say this, but if an otherwise inanimate ice-box thinks you’re homophobic to the point where it reveals its societal sensitivity, odds are pretty good that you are indeed, on some level, a truly terrible person.

Obviously, I’m well aware that this posting was intended to be interpreted as nothing more than a joke, lame as it is, as no rational person would ever place any stock in it. However, as we’ve seen throughout this screed, the applicational use of rational thought to a conservative, is akin to the self-control I wouldn’t show if I ever found myself locked inside the factory that produces Ding Dongs and Sno-balls.

I once openly asked the allegorical question of just where these morons came from, hoping that some external force could be blamed for their collective devotion to the lowest depths of abominable ignorance and inhumanity, but unfortunately, I eventually had to make peace with the terrifying fact that the call was coming from inside the metaphorical house, and any hope of being rescued by the babysitter, was gone.

in the movies, the evil within usually finds itself vanquished by the utilization of fire, bullets, magical incantations, holy water, or the intervention of my personal favorite, lazy-ass writing, but eventually Good prevails. Well, until the inevitable sequels arrive, keeping in mind that the “Friday the 13th” franchise has made 13 follow-ups to the original story of a mask-wielding psycho hacking up camp counselors as if he were a chef at Benihana’s, and in a plot twist no one could have predicted, one of them takes place in outer space.  

And no, I’m not making that up.

Freaking. Outer. Space. And what is the story about?  Well…it centers on our favorite summer camp malcontent Jason, who after having been cryogenically frozen for 445 years, is discovered by a group of students who (naturally) take him into space, where he thaws out, and immediately picks up the threads of his former career, by stalking and killing the crew of the spaceship that were nice enough to offer him a trip that currently, would bankrupt you and I.

Did I mention by the way, that all of this takes place in the year 2455, and as a story, it’s still a far more cohesively plausible than half the stuff that these failed lobotomy candidates can come up with? Welcome to modern-day America my friends, and experience its new normal, where fantastical delusion gets accorded the airtime equality of concrete reality.

And we have no one to blame for this current miasma of mental acuity, but ourselves. Why, you ask? Because of some collectively held and wholly misguided principle that every voice needs to be heard.

Let me clarify that statement, if I may. While everyone has the right to say whatever they want, that doesn’t give them the licensed authority to knowingly inflict pain upon the innocent, as conservatives are apt to do. Just as how actions have consequences when they cross an ethical line, the essence of Free Speech does as well, a factor of risk that as a writer, I challenge almost every time I write a new piece.

Irrespective of whomever was standing on the allegorical soapbox, be it friend or foe, I would be the first one to step up and defend their right to use it, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t also be the first one in line to savagely mock=k whatever it is they’re saying, either. That’s the price of truly Free Speech, and it applies to everyone, regardless of their financial status or social influence.

If anyone I’ve ever mentioned within these literary diversions of mine ever decides to read what I’ve assessed about them, currently or in the future, the odds are fairly slim that anything that I’ve said will cause them to have a moment of self-reflection, and that’s fine. In fact, its been my experience that it only galvanizes them to become even more extreme, if anything, and that’s ok too, as they’re not the ones I’m trying to reach with my pixilated presentations.

No, the ones I’m trying to enlighten in my own snarktastic way, are the ones straddling the fence, who are contemplating what side to pick. As with most things, there’s pros and cons to both, but speaking for myself, I prefer to be on the side that at it’s worst, receives the descriptive of “means well” when their actions are enunciated to others outside of the tribe.

Let us not forget for one second, whether it be borne of convenience or charity, that these people are PROUD to be hateful, ignorant, slavish disciples of a political movement that considers kindness a weakness, and diversity, a credible threat. Keep in mind, none of the postings that I share come from fake profile mining, nor any other form of subterfuge- these individuals wear their hate with pride, mask their fear with anger, and claim that their beliefs of what should be Trump [pun intended] what is.

Nearly eighteen years ago, I started writing my screeds on a social media platform known as MySpace, and at last count, the archive of what I’ve written thus far, wherein I’ve covered topics ranging from Art to Pop Culture, to Politics, has resulted in 160 stand-alone pieces, totaling in a word count that back in 2017, was the equivalent of my having written five full length novels. Damn, I really am a chatterbox.

However, I don’t do this for money. I don’t do it for the infamy that inevitably comes with each new take on life as I see it, although that part is fun at times, I do it because I can, and I do it because I must. And between you and me, I’m just getting warmed up.

Time to end this discussion for now, I think. But before I go, I’d like to give you a taste of what will be coming up next, as I continue my spelunking in the caverns of the conservative cravens who cry foul every time they’re held to account:For the life of me, I cannot fathom just exactly we think these people are a gaggle of inbred, racist, Islamophobic, uneducated dipsticks, can you? A mystery for the ages, I guess, one which I will do my best to try and solve, come the next magnum opus. Until then, I leave you with this piece of writing advice that I try to follow as religiously as possible, courtesy of the late and great, Kurt Vonnegut, who advised;

“Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.”

In closing, I do hope that I’ve made you and the cockroaches happy.

“The main thing that I learned about conspiracy theory, is that conspiracy theorists believe in a conspiracy because that is more comforting. The truth of the world is that it is actually chaotic. The truth is that it is not The Illuminati, or The Jewish Banking Conspiracy, or the Gray Alien Theory. The truth is far more frightening – Nobody is in control. The world is rudderless.” -Alan Moore